The Weekly Hyrule News
by BatNeko
Summary: What would you do if suddenly all the old stories and legends started walking the streets at night? Well, here's hoping you have friends as good as Link's. Complete!
1. Secret Lesbian Tryst!

**The Weekly Hyrule News**

by BatNeko (who has a semi-unhealthy obsession with the cross-dressing princess)

_In a modern version of Hyrule, Link and Zelda are attending high school. Zelda is hounded by the press, and Link has an adorable crush on her. But when he meets and befriends a guy named Sheik, things get a little bit...complicated._

**Chapter 1**. Princess Zelda's Secret Lesbian Tryst!

"Hey, check it out," Kafei said, sitting down with a magazine and a tray of food. "'Princess Zelda's Secret Lesbian Tryst.'"

"Secret lesbian tryst?" Ralph repeated. "Ooh, let me see, let me _see_!"

Kafei started to pass the magazine over, but a hand reached across the table and snatched it away.

"Hey!"

Link scanned the page thoughtfully, face a mask of calm. "Secret lesbian tryst? Please. This is a slumber party."

"Well, at least there's a picture of Zelda in skimpy pajamas."

"Hmm," Link frowned at the picture. "I don't think that's Zelda. I think they stuck her head on someone else's body."

"Aw _man_. Who do you think it is?"

Link tilted his head to one side. "I'm not sure... I've seen those cow print pants somewhere before..."

"Can I look now?" Ralph whined.

"Fine. Baby." Link handed it over.

His eyes gobbled up the picture greedily. "Malon," he said firmly. "That's Malon's body. I'd know those curves anywhere."

"You know _everyone's _curves, Ralph." Kafei rolled his eyes.

He grinned. "What can I say? I'm a connoisseur of the female form."

"You need a hobby."

"That _is _my hobby."

"A _better _hobby."

zzz

"Hey Zelda," Anju said, sitting down with a magazine and a tray of food. "You're in the news again."

Malon sniffed. "Please Anju, don't call that rag _news_. It barely qualifies as _writing_."

"Sorry..."

"Don't apologize," Zelda said, smiling. "Malon's just mad 'cause they put my head on her body."

"I step out on the porch for _ten seconds_!"

"Deep cleansing breath, Malon."

Malon took several slow breaths, then calmly snatched the magazine away from Anju and tore it in half.

"Hey! I payed for that!"

Zelda laughed. "Come on you guys, it's not that big a deal. Nobody's going to believe that."

"_You've _been dealing with this your entire _life_, _we _only have to because _you_-" She stopped, realizing how that sounded. "I- I'm sorry Zel, I didn't mean that."

"Yes you did," Zelda smiled. "But it's okay. I know how it must be for you guys. I mean, like you said, I've had to put up with the reporters following me around my entire life." She looked down at her food. "You'd think I would be used to it by now..."

"Zel..."

zzz

"Link. Liiiiink. Link!" He was staring across the cafeteria, at a familiar head of sunshine-colored hair. Kafei waved his hand in front of his friend's face. "Link! Dude! You're drooling."

That did it. Link's hand snapped to his mouth guiltily. "I- I am not!"

Kafei laughed, Ralph glared. "I swear man, one of these days I am going to physically drag you over there and force you to talk to her."

"I talk to her!"

"In class, about class. That's no fun!"

"Well what am I supposed to say?" Link snapped. "'Hi I'm Link we have History together and I want to be your boytoy?'"

"You should _totally _say that."

"I will _pay you_ to say that."

"Shut up."

"Seriously though, you can't just stalk her forever."

"I am not stalking her. I just...think she's hot. You do too!"

"We think she's hot because she _is _hot. But _we _don't make sure to sit behind her in every class we have with her so we can stare without her noticing."

Link paused. "That obvious huh?"

"Yes."

"Well...hell. Um. So. Kafei. You and Anju officially a couple now?"

"Yeah, I think so." Kafei grinned. "She's awesome."

"Aww, so sweet I think I'm going into insulin shock." Ralph rolled his eyes. "You two are pathetic. We're teenagers! We're supposed to be having random sex with lots of slutty girls! Don't you watch movies?"

"Not the same movies you're watching, apparently," Kafei said.

"You know Ralph, one of these days you're going to fall head over heels for a girl, make a fool of yourself, and I am going to _laugh_."

"You mean the way you have?"

"Can we drop that already?"

"Never!"

"Listen, you-"

"So you guys doing anything tonight?"

The other two boys stopped and looked at Kafei. "What?"

"You doing anything tonight?"

"No."

"Am I ever?"

"Why?"

Kafei grinned. "I have a _really _good idea..."

zzz

Later, after class, Malon was still ranting.

"I just can't believe they stuck _your _head on _my _awesome rack."

"Hey," Zelda bopped her friend on the head with a book. "My rack is _plenty _awesome."

"Yeah, but _you _had the good sense to stay inside. Plus, you were wearing flannel."

"I like flannel..."

"But red plaid? You are _not _a logger Zel."

Two boys walked past the girls, having what looked like an argument in harsh whispers. Zelda watched them head on down the hall, ignoring Malon.

"You need some PJs like mine, with pants that you can wear to school if you feel like it. I mean, I have no idea how that came into style, but I'm not complaining. You look best in pink and blue, maybe lavender. We should get you something in... Zel? Are you listening to me?"

"Mnn?"

Malon followed Zelda's gaze, then grinned. "Ohhhh... I see. So the princess _isn't _gay."

Zelda flushed. "Quiet, you."

"No, no, this is cool." She pursed her lips thoughtfully. "So, you're looking at Link, right? 'Cause Anju and Cremia both already like Kafei, and you _know _how much I hate love triangles."

"No, I don't like Kafei. I mean, I like him fine, but I don't _like _like him."

"So it's Link then?"

Zelda's blush deepened.

Malon laughed. "You're so cute, you know that Zelda? That's why you should totally go hit on Link!"

"I couldn't do that! I barely know him! I mean, we've only talked in class..."

"But?"

"But..." Zelda sighed resignedly. "He's cute, and he's smart, and he's funny, and he's so _sweet_, and he opens doors for girls, and you _know _he's the chivalrous type, like, he'd come to your rescue and stuff, and I know it's silly but I find that attractive in a guy..."

Malon laughed. "I know what you mean. I'm still waiting for my knight in shining armor, you know."

"I know." She peered around Malon's shoulder, but Link and Kafei were gone. "I wouldn't call it a crush, exactly. I just...find him attractive."

"So _talk _to him."

"But what would I say?"

Malon shook her head. "How should I know? Just be yourself!"

Zelda stared at the corner Link had disappeared around. "But I can only be myself when-" She stopped.

"When what?" Malon asked.

"Umm..."

She frowned. "When _what_, Zelda?"

The bell rang and Zelda breathed a sigh of relief. "Come on, we've got Math."

zzz

"Kafei, this is a _really _bad idea," Link said, glaring.

He, Kafei, and Ralph were sitting in Kafei's van, across the street from a brightly lit bar. Kafei's plan seemed to consist only fo a goal: getting into that bar.

"Why?" Kafei asked. "This is the perfect plan!"

"We are _going _to get caught," Link told him through gritted teeth. "We don't look anywhere near twenty-one-"

"Bull shit!"

"And only Ralph is even eighteen!"

"Heh, yeah. I rock."

"Shut up Ralph."

"Eat me."

Kafei rolled his eyes. "Grow up you guys. No, really. We want to pass for drinking age, remember?"

"This was your idea!"

Ralph peered out the window at the bar. "Why this bar anyway? I mean, it's, like, clean and pretty-looking, but why else?"

"The most important factor is, of course, that it is really far away from all of our houses. Not that it really matters with Link, but me and you might run into someone we know, or someone who knows our parents. Which would be bad."

"Hey," Link said. "I may not have parents, but there are still people I can get in trouble with."

"Another bonus," Kafei continued, ignoring him, "is that it looks like a good place to pick up chicks. Everybody who's going in there is either alone or with a friend."

"You have a _girlfriend _Kafei."

"You don't! And I really want to see Ralph make a fool of himself out of love."

"It'll never happen," Ralph laughed. "I am the player of players."

Link stared thoughtfully at the bar. There was something off about it, something that was eluding him. It was obvious, he knew, but he just couldn't _see _it.

"You're a _dork_,Ralph. You couldn't play a player piano."

Something about the people standing outside, or maybe the _way _they were standing...

"That didn't even make sense!"

Or who they were standing _with_...

Link snorted, trying to hold in a laugh. The other two boys turned and looked at him. "Uh, nothing." He coughed. "Um, let's go."

Kafei blinked. "Wait, you want to now?"

"Yeah. So?"

He looked at the other boy for a moment before saying, "_Why_?"

"I, uh, saw a cute girl. So are we going or what?"

"Yeah, of course!"

They piled out of the van and ran across the street. They only had to stand in line for a few minutes before a big group left and they were all gestured inside. Not one ID was flashed.

The three boys stood just inside the door for several seconds before anyone spoke. Plenty of time for Kafei and Ralph to come to the same realization Link had in the van.

"Link," Kafei said.

"Yes?" Link replied, fighting a smile.

"This is a gay bar."

"You noticed."

"Time to go." He turned and headed for the door, but Link grabbed the back of his shirt and dragged him back.

"This was your idea. Not gonna back out now, are you?"

"Of course I am!" He checked himself and lowered his voice. "Link, this is a _gay bar_. We can't just _stay_."

"Why not? We both know you wanted to come more for the beer than the chicks."

Kafei glared at him. "You're loving this aren't you?"

Link grinned. "Very much so, yes."

"Ralph," Kafei looked at the other boy pleadingly. "You don't want to stay, do you?"

Ralph was staring at something across the room. "Wha?"

"Ralph, come on, tell me you want to leave."

He blinked a couple of times and turned back to his friends. "Um... Actually I think I wanna stay for a bit."

"Ralph! What the hell!"

"Dude, one word." He pointed, and the other two followed his finger. "Lesbians."

All three boys stared for a moment.

"I'm gonna, uh, go find us a booth," Kafei said.

"I'll get drinks," Link offered.

"I'll try not to drool."

"You do that, Ralph."

Link made his way to the bar, trying not to look as uncomfortable as he felt. He'd been in bars before, both with and without his friends, his foster parents for half of his sixth grade year had even _owned _a bar, but he'd never been so afraid of being caught before. He actually had something to lose this time.

There was a crowd of people, hanging around and chatting up the bartender. Instinctively, Link hung back and waited for a lull.

"You're straight, aren't you?" a voice said.

He whirled around and faced the speaker, who smiled at him. It was a young guy, no older than Link, he thought, but a good half a head shorter. Sheikah, and far prettier than anyone with a Y chromosome ought to be. His pale blonde hair fell across one ruby-colored eye and- wait- was he wearing mascara?

"Um, yeah," Link said. "That obvious?"

"Not really, you're pretty enough to be gay."

"Gee, thanks."

The guy laughed. "It was a joke! Lighten up! I'm trying to help you here."

Link frowned suspiciously. "How so?"

"You want to get a drink right?"

"Three, actually."

"Okay then. See, you're staying away from the bar, waiting your turn." The guy grabbed Link's elbow and started dragging him forward. "In a straight bar, that would be a good idea, because the bartender would be giving more attention to the hot girls than you." He grinned up at Link. "But you're in a _gay _bar."

"Okay, no offense little, um, Sheikah guy, but I don't feel comfortable trying to attract the attention of a most-likely-gay bartender."

The little Sheikah guy shrugged. "I'll do it then. Four beers?"

"Three and a coke, Kafei's driving."

"Ah, of course. How responsible."

"Responsible nothing, I'm trying to punish him."

The guy laughed, and Link was somewhat started to notice that is was a really _nice _laugh. "My name's Sheik, by the way."

"I'm Link."

They shook hands, and Link gave Sheik some money for drinks.

"Watch my technique now," Sheik said over his shoulder. He sidled up to the bar and leaned against it casually, pushing his shoulders back and shifting his weight so that his slim frame curved aesthetically. He stood there for several seconds, just looking hot, until the bartender glanced in his direction. And stopped. Sheik smiled then and said something, Link couldn't hear what, but the bartender came right over. Sheik smiled some more, looked up through half-lidded eyes, and was back with the drinks within seconds.

"Well? How was that?"

Link stared. "That was... That... How did you _do _that?"

Sheik grinned, flashing very white teeth. "Technique!"

"That looked familiar actually." Link took two of the beers to free Sheik's hands. "Like I'd seen it somewhere before...or something like it."

"Well that's an easy answer. It's the same thing girls do. Just, like, stand there and let their body get the attention for them."

"Oh yeah, that makes sense. I probably see it at school every-" he snapped his mouth shut.

"School, huh?" Sheik said, grinning again.

"I meant, um, college."

"Of course you did."

"I... Oh shut up, you're no older than I am."

"True," Sheik agreed cheerfully. "I've been coming here about once a week for a while though. It's like a mini-vacation from the stresses of daily life."

"A bar?"

"Well, it happened to be convenient. I'm not, like, an alcoholic or anything."

"Of course you're not."

"Quiet, you."

Link realized that he was grinning. He _liked _this guy. "Do you want to come sit with me and my friends?"

Sheik smiled back. "Sure. But only if you tell them I picked you up at the bar."

"I would have done that anyway."

Link headed the way Kafei and Ralph had gone, and found them seated at a booth near the back. He enjoyed the stunned-but-trying-not-to-look-stunned expressions on their faces when he introduced Sheik as "the hot blond who picked me up," but neither he nor Sheik could keep from laughing long enough for the other two to try to make polite introductions.

Within a few minutes, all four boys were happily chatting away about school, homework, girls (Sheik had a lot of female friends, so he was able to provide useful advice). Before half an hour had passed, Link realized he wanted to keep in touch with this guy.

An opportunity to do so presented itself when a little song that completely disagreed with the bar's ambient music began to play. It was a pretty song; soft, like a lullaby. But when Sheik heard it he nearly jumped out of his seat.

"Crap!" he exclaimed, wriggling around in his seat and digging in his back pocket. "Crap crap crap!" Eventually he pulled out a cell phone.

It was pink.

Sheik squinted at the tiny screen in panic for a moment, then sighed. "Thank god, it's just a text message. I thought I was busted there for a sec."

Kafei cocked his head. "Uh...Shiek? About your phone..."

He looked up. "Huh?"

"It's, well... It's a little... Ralph, could you handle this one for me?"

"It's pink man! Your cell phone is frickin' pink!"

"Oh yeah, right." Sheik looked down at it. "That's not my fault, honest. I got this phone for Christmas."

"Your parents bought you a pink phone?"

"Yes?"

"Cool. My parents won't even buy me satellite internet."

Without warning, Link snatched the phone from Sheik's hands and began pressing buttons.

"Hey! What are you doing?"

"Adding myself to your Contacts."

"Oh. Okay."

Link frowned at the pink sliver of technology. "Why don't you have anyone else's number in here?"

Sheik rubbed his arm awkwardly. "I don't really like to keep other people's numbers in my phone. I'm only supposed to use it for emergencies, and I keep it turned off most of the time, but I'm always afraid someone is going to steal it and prank call all my friends. Or worse."

"That's called paranoia, Sheik." Ralph drained the last of his beer. "It's normally a side-effect of pot, not alcohol."

Link shrugged and punched in the number anyway. "You can always remove it later."

"Thanks... Can I have my phone back now."

"Yep." Link tossed it to him. "Word of advice though? They have those, like, skins. So you can make it not pink."

"I'll look into that." Sheik turned it off and shoved the phone back in his pocket.

"I vote for snake scales!" Ralph announced suddenly. "Or possibly camo. Yeah...orange camo..."

Kafei sighed. "Okay, I think Ralph's had enough."

"Bull shit! You don'... don'... Don' know anything!" He swayed in his seat. "Oh, wait, yeah. Never mind."

Link rolled his eyes. "I think it's time to go."

Kafei looked at his watch. "Good idea. It's almost two! Sheik, you need a ride anywhere?"

Sheik blinked. "You mean it?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Um, okay, yeah. That would be great." He smiled. "I live in Castle Heights."

"That gated community?"

"That's where Princess Zelda lives!" Link exclaimed.

Everyone looked at him.

"Um...Well, it _is_..." He blushed.

"You...know Princess Zelda?" Sheik asked.

"Know her?" Ralph laughed. "Link wants to bone her!"

"I do not!" Link exclaimed. "I mean...I find her attractive, that's all..." Hew silently cursed his blond's complection and tendency to blush.

"No, really," Ralph said. "The man's obsessed. It's be cute if it wasn't so pathetic."

"Shut up, Ralph. You're drunk."

"That doesn't make it not true."

"Come on," Kafei grabbed Ralph's arm and pulled him out of the booth. "We can tease Link about his hopeless crush on the princess later, right now we need to get out of here before someone notices we've got an underage drunk on our hands."

Ralph squinted at the bar. "Issat a guy or a girl? Cause, they're _really _hot."

"Guy," Sheik said, taking Ralph's other arm. "And he's taken. See the huge guy next to him in the leather pants?"

"Heh. Leather pants. Link has leather-"

"Okay, let's go!" Link shoved the three of them forward. "Much as I'm not looking forward to returning to my cold empty house, I'm also not looking forward to having Ralph reveal the contents of my closet. Move it!"

The four boys stumbled out the side entrance, laughing. Only Ralph seemed to by suffering any ill-effects from the booze, which somehow made his predicament that much funnier.

"Maybe we should dump him at your place, Link," Kafei said as he unlocked the van. "Since you don't have parents to disapprove."

"I don't have parents, but I also don't have a patience to put up with drunk Ralph here. And I would be the one to have to clean up after him. Not going to happen."

Sheik slid into the back seat beside Link. "You don't have parents?"

"Nah. Mom died when I was born, and I don't know who my father was. I'm a foster kid." He shrugged. "It's always been that way. I don't really mind."

"So why do you live on your own? Are you eighteen?"

"Not for a couple months. My guardian, Mr. Deku, pulled some strings to let me live in this little house that he owns and go to school. Since his regular house is a good half an hour outside of town."

"That's really nice of him."

Link shrugged. "He's got about half a dozen other kids up there. I'm not sure he even remembers I exist most of the time."

Sheik was quiet for a moment. "Would you freak if I hugged you?"

"A little bit, probably. But that's because of the beer."

"Okay, just checking. Offer stands."

"I'll keep that in mind."

Kafei was on the road now, heading in the direction of the gated community.

"Hey Sheik," Kafei turned in his seat. "Am I taking you to the gate or what?"

"Oh, no, that's not a good idea. I kind of climbed over the wall. I'll give you directions."

Ralph was digging around in the pile of papers beneath his seat (Kafei wasn't much for keeping his van clean). "I jus' remembered," he said. "We shoulda been looking at that bar for one a' these girls!" He withdrew a magazine triumphantly.

"Kafei," Link frowned, "you keep porn in your car?"

"No! It's today's issue of the Weekly Hyrule News."

"Princess Zelda's Secret Lesbian Tryst?" Sheik said.

"Yeah, did you read that?"

"I didn't _read _it. One of my friends was talking about it. No one actually _believes _that...do they?"

"You'd be surprised," Kafei sighed. "I mean, we go to school with Zelda so we know how silly it is, but there are people out there who are just...dumb as hell. Dumb. As. Hell."

"You wanna see my favorite part of this magazine?" Link snatched it away from Ralph. Right here, first page." He pointed to a small text box. "'Weekly Hyrule News articles are drawn from different sources and most are fictitious. Weekly Hyrule News uses invented names in many of its stories, except in cases where public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental. The reader should suspend belief for the sake of enjoyment.'"

Sheik laughed. "No way, it does _not _say that."

"It totally does, look for yourself."

Sheik did, and laughed even harder. "So this thing doesn't even _pretend _to be real?"

"Nope. Unfortunately, not too many people know the disclaimer is there."

"That's a shame. It's good to know that the magazine-maker-guys don't _really _expect anyone to believe this stuff."

Castle Heights turned out to be only a few blocks away from the bar, a fact which Ralph found hilarious. They left Sheik on the curb and drove off, shouting goodbyes and bad "your mama" jokes (that was Ralph). As they turned the corner, Link thought he saw Sheik pull that disturbingly pink phone out of his pocket.

"You know what?" Ralph said. "Are we sure that Sheik guy is a guy?"

"Um, yeah," Kafei said. "Why wouldn't he be?"

"I dunno. He's, like...really pretty. I mean really really pretty. Like girl-pretty."

"He's a _guy _Ralph. That's the beer talking."

"I'm serious! He had a face like a girl!"

"Actually, I noticed that too." Link leaned forward, between the front seats. "I think he was wearing mascara."

"Maybe that was all," Kafei said. "I didn't notice anything though."

"No, Ralph's right. Sheik has a face like a girl. Girl-face."

"Girl-face!"

"You're _both _drunk!"

"Hey! You're missing my house!"

Kafei screeched over to the curb and Link climbed out. "You're just mad because you had a good time at a gay bar."

"No, I'm _mad _because you're both _dorks_. And because you wouldn't let me have a beer."

"I'll drive next time, okay?"

"Okay. See you Monday!"

He drove off and Link was left alone. Again. He unlocked the door and headed inside, wondering if it was even worth it to go upstairs. There was a couch right there...

And a light blinking on the answering machine.

Nobody _ever _called Link, especially not this late. He pushed the button curiously.

"Hey, this is Sheik! I'm calling you from the curb as I watch you drive away because I'm a creepy stalker. Seriously though, I wanted to give you my cell number. I keep it turned off most of the time, but you can always leave me a message or text me or something."

Link grinned and pulled a scrap of paper out of the side table drawer to write down the number. He may have been alone, single, and parentless, but at least he'd made an androgynous new friend.

That thought was a lot more comforting than it should have been...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Notes From The Author

First chapter! Just introducing all the characters and whatnot. The plot is still mostly undeveloped, so I'm not sure how long it'll be until the next chapter. Anyway, enjoy!

EDIT: Re-read this on my computer and realized how many typos there were. Ugh. I _think _I got most of them now... It's, like, twelve-thirty at night though, so I'm not at my best.


	2. Basketball Player Sells Sole!

Chapter 2. Basketball Player Sells Sole: Wins Championship, But Loses Shoe Contract!

In a world between worlds, the land where nightmares and dreams are born (and sometimes come to die), a shadow was awakened by a dark voice.

The voice beckoned the shadow, asked it to come to his world and help him to defeat someone the voice thought might become troublesome.

The shadow ignored the voice and tried to go back to sleep.

The voice reminded the shadow how often others of its race had performed the same service, for him and others like him.

The shadow reminded the voice how often others of its race had _died _while performing that service.

The voice explained his situation, that his enemies had enjoyed peace and prosperity for centuries, while the owner of the voice did not even have a body. He had been all but forgotten, and only remembered as a legend. The voice wanted to remind his enemies what fear was. But two of his enemies had great power, greater than they realized, and they had just made a connection with one another. The voice did not want this to happen, so he bid the shadow to take the form of the more troublesome of the two and destroy him before he could cause a problem.

The shadow told the voice to do something quite painful, and most likely physically impossible.

So the voice wrenched the shadow from the world between worlds, and deposited it firmly in the world of the voice's origin.

The shadow swore silently for a moment, then went in search of this "troublesome" young man.

zzz

Link woke up on the couch, with a headache and only a vague memory of how he'd gotten there. There was the bar, and Sheik, and that pink phone...

And the message on the answering machine. He looked to see if there was another, but no such luck. It made sense, it was only ten in the morning, but still... He'd been hoping.

Link sighed and shoved himself off the couch. He was awake, so he might as well get up and out of last night's clothes. Ugh, they stunk of cigarettes.

Shedding clothes as he walked, Link headed for the bathroom. That was one of the few benefits of living alone; no one to complain when you walked around naked. Also, no one to care when you decided it was too dark and spooky upstairs, and just crashed on the couch.

That happened more often than Link's spine would like.

He stepped into the shower while the water was still cold, to jolt himself awake. Oh yeah, that was a hangover. He knew some stuff to kill it though, which he intended to do just as soon as the cool water stopped feeling so good...

It was mornings like this that Link was glad he didn't have a job. Sure, money would be nice, but sleeping in and having nothing to do all day was nice too. Choices, choices.

And then the phone rang.

Link spent approximately one-tenth of a second debating whether or not to grab a towel, then decided, "screw it," and ran for the phone.

"Hello?" he said, trying not to sound breathless.

"Link? It's, um, Sheik. From the bar?"

"I remember you Sheik," He grinned foolishly. "Hard to forget that bubblegum phone of yours."

"Hey, _shut up_. It was a _gift_."

"I know, I know," Link laughed. He was distantly aware of a spreading puddle of water and suds on the floor. "So what's up?"

"Nothing. I'm bored. I was wondering if you were doing anything."

"Well, I was in the shower, but me and Ralph and Kefei play basketball in the afternoon. You wanna come?"

Sheik was silent.

"Sheik?"

"What? Um, basketball. Yes. Okay."

"Are you all right?"

"Fine! Um, so, where and when?"

"The court at the easternmost side of the park, one o'clock. Um, the little park, not the one where all the rich people walk jog. You know which one I mean? I can't remember the name."

"Sure, yeah. That's Kakariko Park, by the way."

"Good to know." He poked at the carpet with his toe, and water welled up. "Hey Sheik, I'm sorry but I gotta go. I left the water running, _and _I think I've saturated this square of carpet. I'll see you this afternoon?"

Sheik paused for a second before answering. "Um, yeah. Afternoon. Yeah."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Fine! You go, uh, do...whatever."

"Okay... Bye."

"Bye..."

Link headed back upstairs, humming Bon Jovi.

zzz

Zelda stared at her phone for a long moment. This could be bad. There were tons of TV movies and episodes of Law and Order about people who'd led double lives and gotten caught. It was never good. But it wasn't like she was going to hurt anyone. Okay, it _was _kind of awkward being friends with a guy she wanted to do carnal things to, especially now that she knew he really was as nice and funny as he seemed, but it wasn't like she was going to hit on him while Sheik. As funny as it would be to see his reaction...

In fact, it was probably best if she didn't change their school relationship at all. As much as she wanted to, it would just be too confusing. She could get to know him as Sheik, maybe dig for some information, then claim Sheik was moving away and invite him to a movie as Zelda! It was the perfect plan!

Yeah, the perfect _crazy stalker _plan.

Zelda sighed and flopped back on her bed. "I have issues..."

zzz

One o'clock rolled around eventually, not soon enough in Link's opinion. He'd spent the rest of the morning sitting around, watching TV, and trying to remember the rest of the lyrics to "Lay Your Hands On Me." Time well spent indeed.

Kafei and Ralph were already there when he arrived, since they had a shorter distance to walk (and Kafei had probably driven, the lazy bastard). They were practicing free throws. They needed to.

"Hey guys!"

"Hey Link."

"Mrrgh," Kafei muttered.

"Feeling all right Ralph?" Link grinned.

"Eat me."

"It's your own fault you know."

"It was cheap, dammit! How was I supposed to know it was strong?"

"There are these things called 'labels?' They have a lot of information about the product they're stuck on."

"Shut up."

"Hey," Kafei said impatiently. "Are we gonna play or what?"

"Oh," Link glanced around. "Uh, well..."

"He invited Sheik."

Both boys turned and looked at Ralph in surprise.

"W- what?" Link said.

"Well you _did_. You keep looking around like you're expecting someone. And Link, no offense but you don't have many friends. As of last night, it's me, Kafei, and Sheik."

Link sighed. "All right, fine, yes, I invited Sheik. You got a problem with that?"

"Nah, Sheik seemed cool. Besides, it'll be nice to finally be able to play two-on-two again. Stupid Mikau and his 'dreams.'"

"The album drops next month, right?"

"Yuh-huh."

"You gonna buy it?"

"Oh _hell_ yeah."

Link stripped down to a t-shirt and shorts, thankful it was warm for spring. He nabbed the ball away from Kafei with practiced ease, and lobbed it casually at the basket.

"Swish."

"Quit showin' off," Kafei retrieved the ball from where it had bounced. "Not all of use made the varsity team our sophomore year."

"Yeah," Link sighed. "And you guys didn't almost get held back because of it."

"Hey man, your grades slipped because you _let_ them, not because of basketball."

"Well, basketball didn't help."

Just then a small figure appeared from behind a stand of trees. Dark skin, blonde hair, and, Like realized, just a trifle on the hippy side.

"Sheik!" he greeted the other boy cheerfully.

"Hey guys," Sheik said, smiling. "Am I late?"

Ralph shrugged. "I don't have a watch. You play much?"

"Well…no, actually. Only in P.E."

"Good. You're with Link." He took the ball from Kafei and tossed it to Sheik. "We might actually stand a chance this time."

Sheik looked down at the ball, then up at Link. "I'm your handicap?"

Link shrugged, grinning. "You got a problem with that?"

"As long as no one aims for my head, no."

"You're no fun."

zzz

The shadow watched the four young people from its hiding place among the trees. The tall blond one was his target, but the other three were interesting as well. All of them had a touch of destiny about them, all of them were young and strong, and the smallest one, unless the shadow was much mistaken, was actually female. The disguise was quite good, it would fool anyone whose body was grounded in the mortal world, but the shadow saw through means other than retinas, rods, and optical nerves.

The touch of destiny was brightest on the shadow's target, shining like a beacon for all who could sense such things. The other two boys had only a faint touch, but enough that they could prove meddlesome to the dark voice, and the girl in disguise was somehow blocking her touch. There was a faint shimmer, beneath the spell, and the shadow thought that without it she would shine even brighter than its target.

But now…what to do? The shadow didn't want to hurt any of these people. Why would it? It didn't even know them. In fact, they seemed nice! And so young…

But in his current form, the shadow was at the mercy of the dark voice. It was a being of magic and darkness, and to someone who had mastered both those things, it was but a puppet. The dark voice had already demonstrated how well it could control the shadow by bringing it to this plane. But it didn't want to follow the voice's orders. If only it could-

Wait. That was it! The shadow let out a silent crow of triumph. That was one problem solved, and one question answered. Now it just needed to wait for the right moment.

And this was not it.

The shadow decided to explore the town, to prepare for the next phase of its plan.

zzz

Link blinked, looking at the trees.

"Hey! Get your head in the game!"

"Did you guys see something?"

"What?"

"Over there." He pointed. "Something moving."

They all crowded around and looked.

"I don't see anything," Ralph said.

"Well it's not there now, but it was a second ago. It was like…a shadow, moving by itself."

"That's crazy. You're crazy."

"Maybe it was a bird's shadow," Sheik suggested.

Link shook his head. "Too big and too dark. It would have to be one _hell_ of a bird."

"A kite?"

"Do you see any kites around here?"

"I'm just tossing out ideas."

"I know, sorry."

"My idea is that Link is crazy." Ralph swatted him on the back of the head. "Come on, while we're young!"

He shook his head, but returned to the game. "Must've been my imagination."

"Or you're going blind."

"Good, just what I need." He rolled his eyes.

"Maybe it'll get you pity dates."

"I've never had trouble getting dates, Ralph." He kicked a loose piece of asphalt. "I can just never seem to get the girl I want…"

"Bitch later, play now."

Kafei threw the ball at Ralph's head.

The rest of the weekend passed uneventfully. The four boys hung out for the rest of Saturday, and devoted most of Sunday to sleeping in and homework. Since it started pouring down rain around noon, this wasn't difficult.

The rain didn't stop until late that night, and the sun rose Monday morning on a city full of puddles and sidewalk-worms.

Kafei, as usual, gave Link a ride to school. Link's house was just a bit too far from the school for him to be able to walk, and it was only a couple streets out of Kafei's way.

As they hopped out of the van and headed across the nearly-flooded parking lot, neither boy noticed the black shadow that slipped from under one of the tires and darted ahead of them, vanishing into a puddle.

A puddle which, moments later, Link hopped over.

Something struck him as odd as he crossed the last stretch of blacktop, but Link couldn't put his finger on it. It was as though something was missing, something that he never paid much attention to but which made a noticeable difference now that it was gone.

He shook his head and put it down to the early hour, not even looking at his reflection in the slass door of the school.

Perhaps if he had, he would have noticed the black-clad young man now standing in the middle of the parking lot, where no one had stood before.

The shadow leaned over and examined his new reflection in a puddle. Not bad, not bad at all. Young and strong, good-looking in an unthreatening kind of way. The shadow would have almost called the face "pretty," if it didn't top such a lithe masculine body. This was the type of body lonely housewives paid hundreds of dollars to clean out their pools in nothing but a thong.

Lonely housewives. The shadow remembered lonely housewives. Husbands too, it- or rather, _he_- wasn't picky. Gender didn't mean much to you when your natural form was without reproductive organs. The fun organs.

The shadow found himself smiling, and decided he liked the smile as well. Yes, this form would do just fine.

Of course, the entire point of taking this form was that he would know the original owner's strengths and weaknesses and be able to use them against him. The shadow did a quick mental checklist, decided the young man would be just fine on his own, and headed out of the parking lot for the big wide world beyond.

The dark voice had left instructions in the shadows mind, of what he wanted it to do. As he walked, the shadow found those instructions, examined them, and sent an answer to the dark voice.

No.

Then he sealed his mind off from the voice's commands and burst out laughing.

That was one strength that all mortals shared, that they took for granted, and that they most often forgot they had. Free will. No one could make a mortal do anything they didn't want to do. Sure they could force them physically sometimes, but for the most part, you just couldn't boss a mortal around. Teenagers were even better since along with free will they had a natural resistance to mind control. Their brains were half mush anyway, and the other half wouldn't listen to anybody.

The shadow was free now, truly free. He couldn't go back home, not until the voice was dealt with, but he could hang around this plane and live it up for a while.

He stopped walking outside a small café-like place with darkened windows and a Help Wanted sign in the window. He'd seen a number of attractive young people there the previous afternoon, so it looked like as good a place as any to seek employment.

After all, when your number one goal in life is to have fun, what better place to work than an ice cream store where you had to sing every time you got a tip?

Back at the high school, Link got a sudden chill down his spine, and couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN: HA! How's THAT for productive! Two updates in two days!

And what's this?Voices, shadows, Ralph being observent, and even a little bit of foreshadowing? What happened to the high school fluff piece?

Can I help it if I have an addiction to plot?

Yay for Dark Link! Oh, and if you couldn't figure out that's who that is, I will hit you.


	3. Real Life Drunken Master!

Chapter 3. Real-Life "Drunken Master" Bests Tea Kwon Do Champion!

"Five weeks," Kafei announced. "It has been five weeks since we went to a bar."

Link rolled his eyes. "We're _teenagers_. We're not _supposed_ to go to bars every weekend."

"That's not the point and you know it."

"Since when do you have a point? Besides," he glanced around the crowded cafeteria, "should we really be talking about this here?"

"It's lunch. Everyone's talking, no one's listening."

"Ah, youth," Ralph murmured.

"My point," Kafei emphasized the word with a spork-jab in Link's direction, "is that you promised to be the designated driver next time, and it's been five weeks and there hasn't been a next time!"

"All right, all right, sheesh." He rolled his eyes. "So where do you want to go? I'm assuming a not-gay bar."

"Not-gay bar would be nice," Kafei admitted. "Although meeting Sheik made up for it last time."

"It's a funny old world, ain't it?"

"Shut up, Ralph."

"Why do you want to get drunk anyway?" Link asked. "You're just going to wake up with a hangover and a lot of memories you wish you didn't have."

"I'm bringing my camera," Ralph added cheerfully. "So they'll be memories you can _never_ forget."

"Not to mention the fact that I don't have a car."

Kafei dug into his back pocket and tossed Link a ring of keys. "So you'll take mine."

"Wait, you want to do this _tonight_? Kafei, it's Wednesday."

"So?"

"So we have school tomorrow."

"So?"

"So…I won't be drinking, what do I care? Let's do it."

"Cool. I'll call Sheik and see if he's up for it."

"Isn't he always?" Kafei's cell phone was one of the skinny flip-types. No camera, but it could play more games than Ralph's N-Gage. He punched in the code for Shiek's phone (it was still pink) and shushed his friends so he could listen.

From somewhere across the cafeteria, Link heard a sound. A melody, soft, like a lullaby. Then a girl's voice squeaked in surprise.

"That's weird," Kafei said. "It's ringing. Sheik _never_ has his phone on, especially not at school."

"Maybe he's expecting a call from someone else?"

"Maybe. He's not picking up."

The lullaby stopped.

"Hey, he hung up!" Kafei frowned at the phone. "What was that about?"

"I'll bet he didn't even know he had it on."

"Well why wouldn't he answer?"

Ralph shrugged. "He doesn't like you?"

Kafei threw a tater tot at him.

Link was staring across the lunchroom. That was Sheik's ringtone, he was sure of it. What were the odds of someone having that same ringtone and having their phone go off at the same moment Kafei called Shiek? Not very high, that was for sure. But Link couldn't just go over there and start asking people if they'd stolen his friend's phone, that was crazy. Besides… Zelda was sitting over there. He didn't want to make a fool of himself in front of her.

Oh well. He could always ask Shiek about it later.

Kafei tried to call again after school, and this time Sheik picked up. Kafei said his voice sounded weird, like he was trying to be quiet without sounding like he was trying to be quiet, but Ralph told him he was a dork and the whole thing degenerated into a game of arm-punching.

That evening Link picked up Sheik at the corner Kefei had dropped him off at, that first night. He found himself reminiscing a lot as the night progressed. It wasn't as though anything special had happened. Over the last month, Sheik had simply become part of the gang. They hung out, they played basketball, they watched movies, they talked. Sometimes it was all four of them, sometimes one or more had somewhere else to be or homework to do, but it didn't matter. They were friends, all of them.

So why was it that whenever both Ralph and Kafei were occupied, and it was going to be just Link and Sheik, Link felt just a little bit…relieved? It was almost as though he preferred to spend time with Sheik when the other two weren't around. But that was silly, they were his friends, he liked spending time with them. It was just that spending time with Sheik was…different somehow. He couldn't put his finger on it.

Sheik, though Link didn't know it, was having a similar problem. Kafei and Ralph were great guys, and he had a lot of fun with them, but they were simply friends; Link was more. Or, at least, Sheik would have _liked_ for him to be more. He wasn't stupid, he wouldn't risk the friendship, but sometimes it was hard to hang out and act as though he didn't have these feelings.

Sheik decided to deal with the stress by getting hammered. No, it _wasn't_ a good idea, but he didn't _care_, dammit.

Link didn't notice at first, how much Sheik was drinking. Last time they had all limited themselves to a beer or two, trying to remain lucid. Sheik clearly had other ideas. And since Ralph wasn't one to turn down a challenge, real or imagined, he decided to match the smaller boy drink for drink.

A few hours of this and Link announced that they needed to go home, _now_.

"I don't know what the hell got into you two!" Link shouted, surprised at his own tone. He was clutching the steering wheel so hard his knuckles had turned white. "I mean, I expect Ralph to make dumb mistakes, but not to intentionally drink himself into a stupor! And Sheik? Honestly, what the hell! I thought better of you than that!"

"'M sorry," Shiek mumbled. "I jus' wanted ta not feel so bad for a while…"

Link felt himself melt a bit. "If you're feeling bad we can talk about it."

"Nope. Nope nope nope. No talkin' 'bout it."

"But Sheik-"

"Nope!" He slumped back in his seat and pouted. It was strangely adorable.

Link sighed. "How you doin' Kafei?"

"Hell of a lot better than those two." He twisted in his seat to look back. "I think Ralph passed out."

"Wonderful." He glared at the road for a bit, then sighed again. "I'm sorry Kafei. You wanted to have a good time tonight and now…"

"It's not your fault. Besides, I did have a good time. Up until now anyway."

"Yeah, well… I kind of hate to ask, but-"

"You want me to walk Sheik home?"

Link nodded. "I don't think he'll make it by himself."

"No prob. Where's that wall he climbs over?"

Link stayed in the car with the unconscious Ralph while Kafei helped sneak Sheik back over the wall and into his neighborhood. "Where's your house?" he asked. "Is it far?"

"Mnm," Sheik said. He listed dangerously to one side, and Kafei grabbed his shoulders.

"Hey, watch it! I do _not_ want to explain to your parents how you got so wasted. Especially since I'm guessing you snuck out."

Shiek leaned his head against Kafei's shoulder.

"Oh come on, don't pass out on me. I've got to get you home or Link will _kill_ me. The guy's crazy about you, you know. Take a bullet for you, no question."

"Link…" Sheik murmured.

"Yeah, Link, the guy who will be _murdering_ me if I don't get you home safe."

"…ove…you…Link…"

Kafei leaned a bit closer. "What was that?"

"I love you, Link," he said, without a trace of slur. Then he wrapped his arm around Kafei's neck and kissed him soundly on the mouth.

Kafei promptly dropped the other boy on the sidewalk and backed away, rubbing his mouth with the back of his hand. "I'm not gonna hit you, because you're smashed, but- dammit- you can find your own way home!"

When he got back to the van Kafei had managed to compose his features into an expressionless mask. This was so different from his normal expression, that Link immediately knew something was wrong.

"What happened?"

"Nothing."

"That's a filthy lie. Tell me what happened."

"It was nothing, okay?" He slumped down in his seat. "Really it's…it's no big deal. I probably overreacted a bit anyway."

"Did you get in a fight?"

"Not exactly…" He ran his fingers through his hair and tried to think of a way to explain it, without really giving anything away. "It's just, Sheik's drunk right? He did something, in his drunken state, that sort of…that I didn't like."

"What?"

"I'm not gonna _tell_ you, Sheik wouldn't want me to."

"Well did he say something?"

"Sort of. I don't know if he meant it though." He thought about that, tugging on his lower lip. "Sure seemed like he did…"

"And you're not going to tell me?"

"Not on your life."

"Aw come on!"

"No. Now let's get Ralph home before he decides to sing 'Louie, Louie.' Again."

It wasn't until he got home that Link realized he'd completely forgotten to ask Sheik about his phone. Oh well.

Kafei seemed oddly subdued the next day. He had a whispered conversation with Anju between first and second period, the type where they both glanced over at the subject of their conversation (Link) and then acted like nothing had happened. When lunch rolled around, he had traded his calm for determination.

"Link, I think you should go on a date."

Link blinked at him. "Whazza?"

"Anju has a friend named Cremia, you've probably seen her around."

"Sure, but-"

"She's cute, don't you think?"

"Oh yeah, very, but-"

"It's not healthy to keep pining after someone that you never intend to make a move on."

"But-"

"So you're taking Cremia to Cold Stone on Friday."

Link looked at him for a bit, to make sure he was done talking, then voiced his objections. "I barely know the girl, Kafei."

"So you'll get to know her over ice cream."

"You _know_ I like someone else."

"You've never given _her_ any sign of that. And like I said, it's not healthy. Unless you're planning on asking Zelda out today, you're going out with Cremia."

"Zelda's not here today," Link muttered.

"It's settled then."

"Why are you so interested in my love life all of a sudden?"

Kafei blinked. Clearly, he hadn't been expecting that line of attack. "Uh, well, I just think it'd do you some good, you know? Get out, see a girl. Knock you out of this slump."

"I'm not in a slump."

"You haven't been on a date all year!"

"I just got tired of the type of girls I'd been seeing."

Ralph raised his head up from the table. "All right, first of all, stop talking so loud. Second, Link's got rights. He doesn't have to see this girl if he doesn't wanna. And he clearly doesn't wanna. Oh, and Link? What was _wrong_ with the type of girl you were seeing? They seemed nice to me. A little bit on the slutty side, but what's wrong with that?"

Link shook his head. "Not everyone likes sluts you know. It just got kind of old. I mean, once they found out I live alone all they wanted was to spend the night or use my house for a party. I didn't mind the spending the night so much, but when I realized I'd slept with more girls than either of you two _combined_, I sort of started hating myself."

"You hated yourself because you got a lot of action?"

"I hated myself because I never wanted to be the type of guy who just uses girls for sex. Come on Ralph, even you're not that much of an ass."

"No," he admitted, "I'm not. I like sex, sure, but I know it's not the only thing that matters. Sometimes the warm fuzzies are just as nice as afterglow." He paused for a minute. "But if you ever tell anyone I said that, I will deny it up and down _and_ start a rumor that you've got a meth lab in your basement."

Link raised his right hand solemnly. "Upon my honor."

"Good. Now let me sleep." He buried his face in his arms.

Kafei ate in silence for a moment, seeming to think about what Ralph had said. "You know, Cremia's not like those other girls you went out with."

"Kafei…"

"What harm can one date do? I really think you'd like her."

Link sighed. "You're not going to give this up, are you?"

"I really think it's important that you go out with a girl."

"That's _weird_."

"I don't care."

They stared each other down.

"Fine," Link stabbed a piece of what he was pretty sure was chicken. "I haven't been to Cold Stone in a while anyway."

"Great! I'll go tell Anju!" He jumped up from the table and ran off.

"Ralph?" Link said.

"Mnngh."

"Do you have your phone with you?"

"Backpack. Outside pocket.

"Thanks." Link found it and punched in Sheik's number. It rang a few times, longer than Link usually let phones ring, then he heard a beep and Sheik's voice.

"'Lo?"

"Hey Shiek? How ya feeling?"

"How do you think? Ugh, I can't even remember how I got home."

"Serves you right."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Call me to lecture?"

"No, actually. I need your help…"

Across the room, Kafei was proudly detailing to his girlfriend how he had talked Link into the blind date. Technically it wasn't "blind," since Link knew Cremia from class, but there wasn't a better term for it.

Malon listened without a word to his exaggerated tale of verbal prowess, and was even kind enough to wait until he'd left to snort derisively.

"This is a bad idea Anju."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean you know Cremia likes Kafei."

"I know…but I don't want her to know that I know. And besides, Link's really nice. Maybe if she goes out with him, she'll get over Kafei."

"You don't really believe that."

She sighed. "I _want_ to believe it…but no." She poked half-heartedly at her sandwich. "What about you, Malon? Would you go out with Link?"

"Maybe, if I didn't know that Zelda has a thing for him."

Anju gasped. "Oh no! Really? Ah, what am I going to do?"

"Calm down, An, you didn't know. She never says anything about it."

"But- but what am I going to do?"

Malon stifled the urge to laugh. "You don't have to do anything! From Kafei's description, Link doesn't want anything to do with this. One date won't hurt anybody. It might even motivate Zel to make a move."

"Well… That would be good…"

"You see? You're helping!"

"I'm helping!" She stopped and thought about that for a second. "Wait, no I'm not."

"All right, no you're not. But…let's just, like, not tell Zelda about it. Does that work?"

"That works," Anju agreed with a sigh. "Man, I am glad she's home sick today."

"Ten to one she's hungover."

"What?" Anju exclaimed. "What do you mean? Hungover? Zelda?"

"Yeah," Malon tossed her hair and tried to look nonchalant. "You must have noticed how she's been all ditching us lately."

"She's been busy with homework…"

"She doesn't have a class without you me or Maren in it, and _we_ haven't been busy with homework. Besides, she's smart. Smarter than me."

"She can't be if she's _hungover_."

"Hey now, you don't have to be stupid to get drunk. Well, a little stupid, yes, but she could have been stupid _temporarily_."

"I don't know why you think just because she's been busy she's been drinking."

"Well, I don't think that's _all_ she's been doing. I've just noticed some things. Like yesterday when her phone went off at lunch and she all panicked and wouldn't tell us who called her."

"Maybe she has a secret boyfriend."

"Maybe. Or maybe it was one of her drinking buddies."

Anju stared at her for a moment, eyes just a little bit wider than normal. "Malon… Have you actually tried to imagine Zelda with _drinking buddies_?"

"Well, no."

"Do. Just…get an image in your head."

Malon closed her eyes and imagined. She snorted. Then burst out laughing. "Okay, okay, so Zelda's not the type to go out and get smashed with a bunch of truckers. But you never know! She seems down sometimes. Lonely."

"She's got us."

"I know that, but does she?"

zzz

Time moved in odd jumps and skips on Friday. Link's classes would drag on like they normally did, but every time he remembered his "date" after school the day just didn't seem long enough.

Much too soon, school was over. He avoided Kafei and walked home, deciding he would rather get the extra exercise than put up with his so-called "friend's" relationship advice. He didn't get much of a reprieve though, because Kafei showed up at his door at four-thirty, to "help him get ready."

This seemed to consist of vetoing every shirt Link put on, and singing Cremia's praises.

"You're making most of this stuff up, aren't you?" Link grumbled at one point.

"No! Well…maybe exaggerating a bit…" He stood up and dusted off his knees. "Come on, let's go."

"But there's still like ten min-"

"We're _going_."

Ralph dumped Link off at the corner, ordered him to be polite, and sped off. Link sighed and headed over to the main entrance to wait. He didn't know what had gotten into Kafei, but he wasn't going to put up with it more than he had to.

Cremia showed up a few minutes later, and immediately Link started feeling bad about what he planned to do. She was a nice girl, quite pretty, and didn't deserve to be ditched. She also looked about as uncomfortable as Link felt.

"Um, hi," she said with a little smile.

"Hi," Link replied. "So, uh, shall we?"

"Sure."

Link held the door open for her automatically, and they got in line for ice cream.

If you've never been to a Cold Stone Creamery, allow me to give some background info. They describe themselves as "The Ultimate Ice Cream Experience _™_," and do their best to make the restaurants fancy and unique. Rather than "Small, Medium, and Large," they have "Like It, Love It, and Gotta Have It." They serve a number of complicated and unusual products, most of which have names that are a pun of some kind.

The employees are required to sing whenever someone leaves a tip of a dollar or more.

It was a popular spot, for anyone with some time to kill, and it helped that the ice cream was pretty damn good, but at that moment Link would have given a limb to be anywhere else.

There were two women working behind the counter, one teenager with a bored expression and blonde pigtails, and an older woman who could have been anywhere in her twenties or thirties. The younger one took their orders with a snap of gum and a flip of pigtail, then went to work like a pro. It wasn't until he got to the register that Link realized he didn't have enough cash to cover both of them.

The pigtailed girl, her nametag read "Tatl," rolled unusually bright yellow eyes as he stared at his wallet in horror. "I don't care if you don't tip, ya know," she said.

Link bit his lip and turned to Cremia. "Uh, I'm sorry but I don't have-"

"It's okay," she interrupted, smiling with what looked like relief. "I'd rather go Dutch anyway."

"Please don't tip," Tatl said as she took the money. She sounded slightly desperate.

The older woman tossed an M&M at her from the other end of the counter. "Stop saying that to people."

"Get that crackhead goth boy back in here and I won't!" She shook her head, pigtails bouncing. "Why he enjoys making a fool of himself so much I will never understand."

"All right, one; he's not a crackhead, two; he's not goth, and three; neither will I. But he's coming back tomorrow so just put up with it for the rest of the day."

"All I know is, you'd better hire someone else, and soon! Me and Tael are only doing this as a favor to you."

"I know, I know, you remind me enough. The ad is still running and I'll buy a new Help Wanted sign as soon as Dark promises not to make this one into a paper airplane." She smiled apologetically at Link and Cremia. "Sorry about that. You kids enjoy your ice cream."

"We will," Link and Cremia chorused.

As they walked back to the table, Link said, "Did we just answer her in unison?"

"I think so... I was getting a very 'kindergarten teacher' vibe from her."

"Me too. Weird."

They sat down and began working on their ice cream and attempting to make conversation. It was pretty obvious that neither wanted to be there, but they didn't want to come right out and say it.

So Link was intensely relived when Sheik showed up and plunked himself down at their table.

"Heya," he greeted them cheerfully. "Workin' on your girlish figures?"

"Hi Sheik," Link said, trying not to sound too happy to see him. "Um, this is Cremia. Cremia, this is my friend Sheik."

"Nice to meet you," Sheik said. "Those are _really_ cute earrings, did you make them yourself?"

"Yes!" Cremia said, pleasantly surprised. "I got the beads at this little store downtown, and the wire is a colored paperclip."

"I _thought_ that's what it was! You don't normally find that bright yellow in professional jewelry, but it goes really well with your hair."

Link allowed himself a small sigh and sank back in his seat, letting the "girl talk" wash over him. He honestly hadn't expected it to work so well, or so quickly, but for once he was grateful for his friend's femininity.

After Link was sure Cremia was no longer going to care if he left at all, Link took his now-empty ice cream bowl and headed for the trash. He was about to make a ninja-like exit, when he remembered something.

The older woman was at the register now, the blonde girl with the bright yellow eyes having vanished into the back room. Her nametag read "Manager: Navi," and her blue eyes were equally bright.

"Excuse me, Ma'am?"

She gave him an open, welcoming smile; the type that many people in the service industry have learned how to fake. "Yes, how can I help you?"

"Well, I heard you talking earlier, about needing help?"

"Oh!" her smile turned genuine. "Yes, we're hiring. Do you want an application?"

"Please."

She dug one out from under the counter and passed it over. "You can fill it out now, if you want."

Link couldn't help but grin. "Kinda desperate?"

"Kinda," she admitted. "You?"

"Kinda. Do you have a pen?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Sorry about the story moving so fast. I would have spent more time on the "getting to know you" part, but really, all the fun stuff doesn't start happening until later. Plus, I couldn't think of what to write. It would have just been more of the same.

I think I owe an apology for this chapter, especially about Kafei. He seems to jump all over the place, huh? And as for the drunken kiss thing... I just thought it was funny. ;

Next chapter! Link gets a job and a crazy coworker! More plot begins to develop! And "The Weekly Hyrule News" makes another appeareance! Well, maybe. I have't written it yet, but I think I should probably start mentioneing that thing again. It has nothing to do with the story at all, but I like making up those crazy headlines for the chapter titles.

It's 2:20 AM and I'm almost coherant. Go me!


	4. Race of Tiny People!

Chapter 4. Race of Tiny People – Invisible to Adults!

"Why is it called an 'audition?'" Sheik asked. He, Link, and Ralph were lying in the grass near the basketball courts in Kakariko Park. "What makes it different form an interview?"

"I have no idea," Link admitted. "Because of the singing, I guess."

"Have you ever sung before?"

"Um… Does 'Happy Birthday' count?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Then yes. Many times."

"_I_ just can't figure out why they're so desperate. Seems like that would be a cool place to work."

"It was, once," Ralph said. "Then they hired a new manager. Total jackass. It was his fault they'd been having employment troubles, and even though he got fired, there's still nobody who wants to work there."

"How do you know so much about it?"

"The jerk manager was my uncle."

"Ah."

Link brushed a bug away from his nose. "The _new_-new manager, Navi, seems nice."

"Hope so, for your sake."

"Shut up." He yawned and stretched. "I gotta admit, I'll miss having nothing to do all weekend. At least the place doesn't open until noon."

"Yeah, what's up with that?"

"Well…who's gonna eat ice cream before noon?"

Sheik tugged thoughtfully at some grass. "I would…"

"That is because you are a woman," Ralph said, in an oddly empirical tone.

Sheik coughed suddenly. "Wha- what? I am not! What are you- What- Why-"

Ralph laughed. "Calm down man, it was a _joke_."

"I- I knew that…"

Ralph pushed himself up on his elbows. "Aw, he's blushing."

"Go to hell."

"You are _insanely_ cute, do you know that?" He threw a leaf at Link. "Link! Isn't Sheik insanely cute?"

"Frikkin' adorable," Link agreed. He sounded half-asleep.

Sheik blushed even harder. "You guys are ridiculously secure in your own masculinity."

"This is true," Ralph grinned.

"Actually," Link said, "that reminds me. I've sort of been wondering, Sheik… Why are you so paranoid all the time?"

"Mm, a few reasons." He ruffled his hair. "I've had more than my share of stalkers, for one thing. And once my cell phone got stolen and my friends all got crank calls and pestered and stuff."

"Go back to the stalkers." Link sat up. "I want names and addresses."

Sheik grinned. "Come on, I don't know-"

"You think I'm kidding? Give me ten minutes to go get my bat and call a cab."

Sheik shook his head. "I am not going to be a participant to vandalism."

"I wouldn't be using the bat on their _property_."

"Unless you consider someone's face their property," Ralph added cheerfully.

"Well it doesn't matter anyway because I don't know where any of them live any more. And the only one I would want you to beat up is in juvie."

"Do tell," Ralph smirked.

"Well…he was an ex…"

"Now I _have_ to kill him."

"Link!"

"You trusted him enough to go out with him and he _stalked_ you? I need more than a bat for this. Ralph, go home and get a butcher knife from your mom."

"Yeah, sure," he crossed his arms behind his head and closed his eyes. "I'll get right on that."

Sheik was laughing nervously, "Come on you guys… He's already in juvie, isn't that enough?"

"He hurt you," Link said firmly. "It'll never be enough."

They looked at each other over Ralph's head.

"Link, I…"

"Tell me more about this guy."

Sheik lowered himself back down on the grass. "Well, uh, he seemed nice at first, good-looking, popular, all that, but…it turned out he was only dating me for- I mean, he was just using me."

"Sex?" Ralph asked, not bothering to open his eyes.

Sheik felt his cheeks flush. "Well, that too, but mostly he just wanted to be seen with me."

"You're popular, huh?"

"You could say that."

"How you find out he was a dickwad?"

"I don't even remember any more. It was more than a year ago. I guess it was just…little things. He let the façade slip, something like that. We got in a fight and broke up. Next day he's calling me, begging me to forgive him. I'm not _that_ stupid, so I hung up on him. But he kept calling. Soon he was showing up at my house, camping in the backyard. I still have _no_ idea how he got past the guards…"

"You mean the rent-a-cops at the front gate?"

"Uh, yeah, them."

"I doubt it would be to hard to get past 'em."

"Have you actually _tried_?"

"Well…no. Okay, good point."

"So anyways…after he'd become enough of a nuisance my…mom called the cops. They gave him a warning, he came back, we called he cops again. Finally we pressed charges and he got locked up. Although, that may have been for the carjacking too…"

"Carjacking?"

"When they got his fingerprints after the first arrest, they found that they matched those found inside a stolen car that had gone off the highway, like, months earlier."

"So he was a bad guy through and through, not just an obsessed stalker."

Sheik sighed. "Seems that way. I sure know how to pick 'em, huh?"

"Well, next time you like a guy, try to picture him getting beat upside the head with a baseball bat. You know, test how feasible it is."

Sheik thought about that for a second, then turned his head toward Ralph. "Isn't this weirding you out at all?"

"What?"

"Talking to, you know, me, a guy, about my ex-boyfriend."

"Not really." Ralph stared up at the sky in silence for a moment, then punched the air triumphantly. "Ha! Take that, other people's expectations!"

"Ralph's a misogynist, not a homophobe," Link said, he lay back down. "And I like to think I'm neither. Though your story _did_ give me some 'overprotective big brother' urges."

"I like those urges," Ralph said. "They make me threaten to beat up people I don't even _know_!"

"That would be where the 'overprotective' part comes in," Sheik agreed with a smirk. He closed his eyes. "Seems like I've always got people trying to protect me. But really, I like you guys better than…other people."

"Other people?" Link asked.

"Mm. There's always people around me, wanting to protect me. They want to know everything I do, every minute of every day."

"That seems a bit extreme."

"I'm rich as hell."

"Ah."

"That's why I started going to that bar, you know? No one knew I was doing it, no one who was there knew who I was. It was like I could only be myself…when nobody knew myself. Which is terrible grammar, but you know what I mean."

"Yeah…"

"And now I have you guys! Nobody knows about you, so you're basically like the bar. Only cooler. And you smell better. Most of the time."

"Nobody knows about us?" Link pushed himself up again.

"Nope, nobody. In fact, no one has the slightest clue where I am right now."

"Won't you get in trouble when you get back?"

"Nah, my mom's used to it by now. It's been like a month. Hey, um, this is all sappy and gay but," he smiled, "you guys…mean a lot to me, ya know? You're the best friends I've ever had."

"Aww," Ralph rolled over and wrapped and arm around Sheik's midsection. "We love you too, man!"

Sheik laughed and tried to shove Ralph off of him. He almost didn't hear Link's soft words.

"Yeah…we really do."

zzz

There was a gaggle of females inside when Link got to Cold Stone, all gathered around the register. He tried peering over them, to see if he could spot Navi, but all he saw was a head of short black hair. Not her.

"Link!" He turned to see Navi coming out of a small door tucked behind a corner. She smiled, those curiously bright eyes glowing even brighter. "You're right on time. Come on in."

"Thanks Ma'am."

"It's just Navi." She shook her head. "I'm older than I look, I'll admit, but that doesn't mean I like to be reminded of it."

Given that Navi had that ageless quality that only movie stars seem to possess, Link wondered what she was talking about.

The small door led to a small room, with what looked like a card table and four chairs set up inside it. There were a couple of stacks of paper on the table, very neat, and two filing cabinets in one corner. It looked like the type of room that you would expect to be messy, or at least cluttered, but someone with an ordered mind had been inhabiting it too long; keeping it from its natural state. The only thing that seemed at all out of place was a complicated-looking paper airplane, made out of a plastic "Help Wanted" sign, sitting atop one of the cabinets.

"Have a seat," she gestured to a chair, facing the doorway, and took the one closet to it herself. Her back was to the door, but she didn't seem to mind. Link wondered about that. Most bosses followed the rules of Sun Tzu, whether they realized it or not.

Navi took a piece of paper from the top of the closest stack and scanned it perfunctorily. "So you have no previous job experience."

"Um, no. But I'm willing to work hard!"

Navi chuckled. "Don't worry, once you get the hang of it, this stuff isn't hard at all. You have your Food Handler's permit?"

"Yes. I got extra credit for getting it in my civics class last year."

"Handy. It says here that you used to play on your school's basketball team?"

"Yes, but I let it get in the way of my grades, so my guardian and I decided it would be better if I gave it up."

Her eyebrows rose microscopically. "Gaurdian?"

"Yes Ma- uh, yes. I'm a foster kid."

"Not likely to move soon, are you?"

"No, not likely. They don't like to move kids as old as I am. More damage to the grades, and the psyche. Besides, my guardian keeps kids as long as the state will let him."

"That's good. You're just interested in weekend work?"

"Yes."

"Well…we could use all the help we can get. On weekends it's just me and Dark, and I need a break too, _dammit_." She paused. "Er, sorry. So, uh, can you sing?"

"I can try."

"Good enough. Why don't you-"

"Navi!" a voice exclaimed from outside the door. It popped open and head of black hair popped in. "We got a problem! There was this lady, like, forties or fifties or something, and-"

"You didn't try to hit on her, did you?" Navi said, the dismay plain in her voice. She was still looking at Link's application, refusing to even turn to face the speaker.

"No!" the boy exclaimed, sounding insulted that she would even ask. "Well, not yet anyway."

"Dark…"

"She had nice shoulders, okay?"

"According to you, everyone had something 'nice' about them."

"That's because everyone _does_."

He caught sight of Link then, and his eyes widened. "Wuh-oh."

"Something wrong?" Navi asked, eyes still firmly on the relative sanity of the piece of paper.

Link and the black-haired boy surveyed each other without a word. Link's first thought when he saw him was 'goth,' but a second look disproved that. The boy _did_ have black hair, but it appeared to be natural. His eyes were red too, but again, it looked natural. And he _was_ dressed all in black, but it seemed to be a style choice, rather than a cultural thing. Black jeans and a black polo shirt with a skull over the heart. There were more skulls dangling from his ears, and one had been doodled on his left wrist. That one had a bow on it though, and what looked like a speech bubble coming from its mouth and extending onto the back of the boy's hand.

He was, Link realized, fairly good-looking, from an aesthetic standpoint, but Link just couldn't bring himself to call the boy "handsome." He was a shade too far to the pretty side, especially with those thick black eyelashes (no mascara needed there), and there was just something about him…as though the face was too familiar for Link to truly appreciate its good points. But Link had never seen this guy before in his life, had he? He liked to think he would have remembered red eyes and black hair, and a complexion that a polite person would have called "olive," but to Link just looked gray.

Noticing that nobody had spoken in a while, Navi finally turned in her seat and face the other boy. "Dark, what could be so important that…you…left…" She trailed off, looked hard at the boy, Dark, then turned and looked at Link. Then she looked at Dark again. Then back at Link. Then she blinked several times.

Then she said a word in a language Link didn't understand, but from the tone could only be an expletive.

"I was so hoping…" then she sighed resignedly. "Dark, what did you come back here for?"

"Huh?" He withdrew his gaze from Link. "Oh! Right! This lady, she had one of those little dogs, right? The punt-dogs? Like that famous skank carries in her purse, only fluffier and not a rat? Anyway, it got its little head stuck between the register and the toppings case."

Navi shook her head. "If it could get its head _in_ there, it can get it out. Get some dish soap to make it slippery. And don't let the dog lick any of the soap! The gods know we do _not_ need to get sued by some old broad who decides to hold us responsible if her purse rat gets sick."

"Right away, Boss," Dark snapped her a quick salute, gave one last glance at Link, and disappeared.

Navi turned back and laid the application on the table. "That walking maelstrom was Dark. You'll be working with him, once you're all trained up."

"Wait…so I got the job?"

Navi laughed, though there was no humor in it. "Yeah, you got the job. And frankly… No, it's not worth it. You got the job, that's enough. Can you start tomorrow?"

"Sure."

"Okay, show up at eleven o'clock." She got up and neatly snatched something out of the file cabinet, without even having to look. "Employee handbook. Dress code, rules, it's all in there. I need to go hurt Dark until he starts giving answers I like. I suggest you leave before I do."

Link gulped. "There won't be any hurting of…other employees, will there?"

"Do you know Dark?"

"No Ma'am, never seen him before in my life. I think." He added that last on almost without realizing it.

"You think," Navi repeated. "Oh, that _is_ a good one."

"Are you all right Ma'am?"

"Stop calling me 'ma'am,' first of all. And second…" she sighed again. "Yes, it's fine, it's nothing to do with- well, no, it sort of is, but it's not your fault, that's the important bit. Just…show up tomorrow at eleven." She forced a smile. "Don't worry about it, okay? You seem like you worry about too much as it is."

"I do?"

"'Fraid so. Honestly, who says 'ma'am' anymore?"

"Er, right, sorry about that."

She laughed, and it didn't seem forced this time. "Go on home, read the handbook, get some sleep. And I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay. Thanks. Thanks a lot."

zzz

Saturday evening, time for the weekly check-in. It wasn't scheduled or anything, more like tradition, but Link found it comforting. Plus, Mr. Deku was getting on in years, and the half-dozen foster kids who lived with him were all young enough to be wildy unpredictable. Link figured it couldn't hurt to follow the rules, even the self-imposed ones.

He called a little after eight, when he knew they would be finished with dinner, but not yet getting ready for bed. He had the usual "How's-school-what-have-you-been-up-to-lately" conversation with Mr. Deku, then the phone was passed off to Saria.

Over the last few years, she's become Link's confidante, almost a therapist at times. It probably wasn't good for him to be telling a little girl all the sordid details if his life, but dammit, he had to tell someone. Besides, she was almost thirteen. She'd probably seen worse on television.

And it wasn't like this week's news was too shocking. He told her about Kafei acting weird and the date, the audition and crackhead goth boy, then she asked about Sheik.

"Oh! He told me today about this crazy ex-boyfriend he had! Apparently the guy turned into a stalker or something after they broke up. And he stole a car!"

"Sheik?"

"No, the ex."

"Wow, poor Sheik."

"No kidding. I wish he'd told me the ex's name, or where the juvenile hall was, or something. I'd get me a bat or a pipe and…eergh!"

Saria laughed. "Sounds like somebody's jealous."

"Jealous! What?" Link felt his pulse speed up, for no reason he could think of. "Wh- why would you think that? I'm not jealous!"

"All right Link, sheesh, it was a joke."

"It's just, he's my friend! Why would I be jealous?"

"You tell me."

"I'm not jealous."

"If you say so."

"I only want to hurt the guy because he hurt Sheik!"

"_Your_ Sheik."

"Damn right my Sheik! I- Hey!"

Saria laughed and Link glared at the phone.

"Quit it!"

"You've got to admit, Link, this guy means a lot to you."

"He's my _friend_. My _best_ friend, I think. He means as much to me as…as _you_ do."

"Would you beat up someone for stalking me?"

"Hell, I'd beat someone up if they just _looked_ like they might stalk you."

Saria laughed again. "That's good to know. I should get off now. Mido's doing the 'wrap it up' gesture."

"Oh, okay. Good night."

"You too."

She hung up.

Link put the phone back in its cradle and leaned his head back, staring at the ceiling. It always seemed so quiet after those conversations. He fiddled with the remote, thinking about turning on the TV, but he already knew nothing good was on.

"Jealous," he murmured. "That's...Saria's crazy. I'm not...Why would I be..." He shook his head firmly and shoved his thoughts behind a door marked "Do Not Open." They wouldn't be alone.

He looked at the remote one last time, then tossed it on the couch and headed for bed. Navi had said to get some sleep, and he had the sinking feeling he was going to need it.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Well, everyone asked for fluff after the last chapter, and I did my best to oblige. I'm afraid that's going to be as far as it goes for a while, fluff-wise. Pure male-bonding. Pfft, yeah right. You're not fooling anyone Link!

I find it interesting that Ralph, despite being the goof, is the most well-adjusted member of our little group. Link's all lonely (and he has a few other issues that I'm not addressing yet), Kafei's a maddler, and Sheik... Well, Shiek's just mad in the head. Ralph has no issues whatsoever. Yet. Mwahahaha!

No, no, I jest. I hate angst. Drama, yes. Angst, no. There's a difference!

And yay! Dark's finally here! I love him so much, and I intend to make sure you all love him too. I think he has a really good philosophy when it comes to dating. "Everyone has something nice about them." Be it hands, eyes, or secondary sexual organs. You just have to look. And believe me, Dark _enjoys_ the looking.

Mwahahahahahahahahaha!

Oh yeah, almost forgot, guess who Sheik/Zelda's ex-boyfriend is! The title is a hint. I'll probably divulge the name later. Maybe. I might just forget this conversation ever happened. It's not really plot-relevant. A lot of this stuff isn't, actually. We've got a good three, maybe four more chapters of setting up before things start happening. And boy, do they ever happen!

Heheh. Coeds.


	5. Sorcerous Sorority Sisters!

Chapter 5. "Sorcerous Sorority Sisters!"

It was midnight. The windows had been covered with cloth, and the only light came from seven black candles, placed in a circle.

"Are you ready, Kotake?"

"Always, Koume."

The sisters joined hands and began to chant.

"Oh Ganondorf, last great king of the Gerudo, King of Evil, Ruler of Shadows, we call out to you in your distant prison. Rise, Ganondorf, rise and-"

The shrill ringing of the telephone interrupted them, and Koume swore. "Dammit, who would be calling at this hour?"

Kotake flicked on the lights. "Probably Nabs. You know how she gets in trouble on her nights off."

"That girl… If I hadn't recruited her I'd kill her."

"Hey, look on the bright side! At least this didn't happen when we were trying to do the ceremony for _reals_."

Koume shook her head and grabbed the phone. "Delta Delta Delta, can I help ya help ya help ya?"

zzz

Link was understandably nervous when he arrived at Cold Stone Creamery the next day. The door was opened for him by the "crackhead goth" from the day before.

"Welcome, fresh meat!" he greeted Link.

"Er, hi."

"I'm Dark," he stuck his hand out to be shook. Link noticed he'd painted his fingernails black, but it was chipping off.

"I'm Link. Um…"

"No, Dark isn't my real name. No, I'm not going to tell you what is."

"Duly noted," Link replied.

Dark led him t the back room, giving a little tour as he did.. "This is the counter," he pointed. "That's the register, that's where the customers sit, that's where that dog's head got stuck, that's-"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure I know all that already."

"Good for you." He cocked his head and the skulls dangling from his earlobes clacked against the tiny handcuffs hanging from the tips. "You look tired."

"I haven't been getting much sleep lately."

"School or romance?"

"I…" Link paused, and blinked. "I don't know."

"Neither maybe?"

"I honestly have no idea. I lay awake at night and…and I don't know why." He was starting to feel slightly shaken. "That's bad, isn't it?"

"Nah, it just happens sometimes. Insomnia's a bitch. Now me, I'm nocturnal, so I got an excuse. I listen to a lot of late-night radio." He grinned, flashing sharp incisors. "Did you know Princess Zelda was kidnapped years ago, and the girl we all think is the princess is really a guy in drag?"

Link burst out laughing. "Where'd you hear _that_ one?"

"Late-night radio!"

"Dark," Navi emerged from the back, carrying an apron. "Stop corrupting the new employee."

"I didn't do nothin'!"

"Good. Don't." She handed the apron to Link. "And don't hit on him either. That would be weird."

"I won't," he rolled his eyes. "I have _some_ limits."

"Sometimes I wonder."

Link wasn't sure if he should be insulted or not, so he just kept quiet.

"All right!" Navi clapped her hands together. "It's time to learn. Dark, pay attention, I'm going to quiz you afterward."

"Why me?" he wailed.

"Because I'm still mad at you. Link, come here and let me show you how to use these paddles."

"Paddles," Link repeated.

Dark grinned. "I know, that's what I thought the first time she said it to me."

"I wasn't thinking anything!"

"Suuuure…"

"You- You're-" he turned to Navi. "Is he always like this?"

She shrugged. "You get used to it."

"Oh boy…"

The rest of the day went fairly smoothly. The work wasn't hard, and once Link realized Dark treated everyone pretty much the same it was easy to put up with the teasing. He seemed to be one of those people who saw everyone as either a potential friend or a potential lover. It was oddly refreshing.

Navi left barely an hour after they opened, saying something about getting while the getting was good. Link chose not to wonder about that.

During a lull, he decided to try to get to know his coworker better.

"So, uh, you got any hobbies?"

Dark looked up from drawing in coconut shavings. "Well, I haven't been around too long, but I like reading. And I mentioned the late-night radio. Oh! And video games. I like those crazy Japanese RPGs. You know, where the guys look like girls and the girls look like whores?"

"Those games always make me uncomfortable," Link admitted.

"What do you do?"

"School, mostly. I hang out with my friends a lot, play basketball."

"School. Bah. Who needs it?"

"Did you drop out?"

Dark blinked.

"I mean, uh, not to pry or anything…"

"I kind of don't have an explanation for that…" Dark rubbed the back of his neck. "Um… It's a little complicated."

"Sorry. Just forget I asked."

They stood around in silence for a moment.

"I'm bored," Dark announced. "Want to see how many of these little sample spoons I can fit up my nose?"

"Yes," Link said. "Yes I do."

By the end of the day he had decided that this might have actually been a good idea.

zzz

Time passed, as it always does. Anju managed to convince Kafei that forcing his friends to go out with random girls was not the best way to protect them. Sheik bought a skin for his cell phone, orange camo. Link got used to having something to do every weekend, and even got to like it. Sure, the singing was embarrassing, especially when his friends showed up and requested their favorites, but the money and Dark's contagious good spirits made it worth it.

One thing bothered Link. It seemed like people did a lot of double takes between him and Dark when they worked together. Sheik, Ralph, and Kafei stared at the two of them for a good ten seconds each before they recovered the power of speech. He just couldn't figure it out.

There was something odd about the other employees too. Navi, the pigtailed girl Tatl, and her brother Tael, all seemed to share a secret. Dark was constantly hinting at something, which made Link think he was in on it, but not a part of it. Of course, he had secrets of his own. It was an ice cream shop, it wasn't supposed to have this much intrigue!

But Link refused to get involved, and the others didn't try to draw him in.

After two months, he and all his friends were happily settled into their new routines.

But things were changing, even if they didn't notice it. The crime rate was going up, and people were disappearing. Especially at night, and in areas of low population. The late night radio Dark so adored was featuring more and more stories of ghouls and ghosties and long legged beasties and things that go bump in the night.

Even worse, in the minds of Link and his friends, prom was approaching.

"There's still like two months!" Kafei wailed. It was Saturday afternoon, and he, Ralph, and Shiek were heading to Cold Stone to visit Link at work. "Anju wants to go shopping this weekend. This weekend! She knows enough not to make me look at dresses with her, but she want me to have a matching outfit."

Ralph laughed. "That is so cute! You're whipped!"

"I am not!" Kafei bristled.

"You are! You're her lapdog!"

"At least I have a girl to go with."

"Bah," Ralph waved a hand. "Me and Link will go stag."

"You're going?" Shiek asked. "Even without dates?"

"Link will want to. He'd never admit it, but he likes things like that. Dances and school events. I think he kind of likes dressing up too." Ralph laughed. "I remember last Halloween, he spent nearly two hours getting ready. And we all we were doing was running around and making fun of middle school kids. Did some trick-or-treating too. It was cool."

"I miss trick-or-treating," Sheik admitted. "And I like dressing up too."

"I bet you clean up real good. Hey!" He grinned. "Why don't you come with us?"

"To prom?"

They both ignored the strangled sound Kafei made.

"Sure! We'd have to fill out one of those 'guest' forms they have in the office, but it'd be fun!"

"I don't know…" Sheik rubbed his arm, the little gesture he did when he was nervous. "My friends from school kind of want me to go with them…"

"Oh, right," Ralph smacked himself in the forehead. "Duh, I should have thought of that. Never mind."

"Sorry… I do want to go with you guys. My female friends will be all wrapped up in dating and drama… Have you ever noticed, at every school dance, someone always cries?"

"Really?"

"Maybe you have to hang out with girls to notice, but it's true. The evening always ends in tears for _someone_. Always."

"Makes me glad I'm a guy."

Sheik laughed awkwardly. "Yeah…"

"What about a date?" Kafei asked suddenly. "Wouldn't you rather go with someone, Sheik?"

"Er, I thought about it…" He rubbed his arm some more. "There is someone… But I can't. it would be too much trouble."

"Boo," Ralph shoved Sheik's shoulder. "Go for it Shiek! Ask the guy out!"

"I can't!"

"Do you think he likes you back?"

"I _know_ he does, but he's shy…" He shrugged. "This whole thing has gotten too confusing as it is. If he makes a move, I'll say yes, but until then…"

"Wimp."

"Screw you."

"We're here," Kafei announced.

"Yay, ice cream!"

They entered to find only three other people seated at the small tables, and two more at the cash register. Link was occupied with those two, so Dark was the one who greeted them.

"What up, Link's bitches?" he said cheerfully. "Come to harass him?"

"What else?" Kafei shrugged.

"Buy something or I stab you with a frozen banana."

"You say that every time. I'm still not convinced you _have_ a frozen banana."

"I could get one!"

Sheik elbowed Kafei aside and got Dark's attention. "I want that Black Forest thing. With no mushed up brownie."

"Aw, but it's not the Black Forest thing without the mushed up brownie!"

"Well that's what I want."

"_Fine_, be that way." He glanced down the counter and saw that Link's customers were finishing up and heading for their seats. A slow wicked grin spread across his face.

"So…Sheik, right?" He leaned against the counter.

"Yes…" he frowned a bit. "What?"

"Well, I was just wondering, pretty thing like you, what are you doing hanging around with these losers?"

"What?" Sheik blinked.

"What are you doing tonight?"

He blinked again. "I… What?"

An arm darted out, quick as a snake, grabbed hold of Sheik's chin and pulled him close. "Shall I spell it for you?" Dark's eyes were gleaming mischievously. "Such a pretty little-"

_-Thwack-_

"Oy!" Link raised his remaining paddle, ready to throw it as he had the first one. "Get your _damn_ hands off him!"

Dark burst out laughing. "Oh man, you're ready to kill me! That was _so_ worth it!"

Sheik wiped his chin on his sleeve. "Eww, your hands are all latex-y."

"What just happened?" Kafei asked.

"I'm a dick!" Dark said cheerfully.

"You sure are!" Link retrieved his paddle from the floor and hit Dark with it again. "What do you think you're doing, hitting on my friends?"

"Wanted to see how you'd react." He shrugged, still grinning. "Didn't expect violence, but that was awesome."

"That overprotective big brother instinct again," Kafei said," right?"

"Right," Link muttered. "Dark, go away before I hurt you some more."

"Roger that!" he saluted and scampered off to the back room.

"I swear, I'm gonna kill that guy someday…"

Dark, meanwhile, was getting more bowls from the back. They didn't really need tham, but it was something to do.

"Hey!"

Dark jumped and but his lip to keep from yelping. "Hey yourself." He glanced back toward the doorway and leaned in. "What are you doing here? Especially like that?"

"I can see better this way. Speaking of, did you know that pretty fella you were flirting with is positively _wrapped_ in magic?"

"Oh sure. I saw her once when I was in my natural form."

"Her?"

"Yup, her. I'm not sure if Link knows, but he sure is protective."

"Is that why you did it?"

"Nope. Just felt like it. So why _are_ you here?"

"Oh, I was just in the neighborhood. Decided to check in. Be careful going home tonight, I saw one in daylight today."

"Only one?"

"Yeah, and it was just a miniblin."

"Those things never last long, especially not alone. No worries."

"Be careful all the same. You know what'll happen if you have to revert."

"I know, I know. I know better than you." He glanced back. "I'd better go. Next time you wanna check in, do it in your other form!"

She laughed, a tinkling sound. "Link's gonna find out sooner or later. About you too."

"I'd prefer later rather than sooner. He's gonna be so _pissed_…"

"Good luck."

Back out in the front, Link had served his friends and was refusing to sing for them. "Look, I'll give you extra sprinkles or something but I am _not_ singing."

"Aw come on!" Ralph said. "Do the, um, the one to the tune of 'happy birthday.'"

"No."

"Yeah, don't do that one," Kafei said. "Do the one with the clapping."

"No!"

Sheik spoke through a mouthful of chocolate. "I like the one that you do when the tip is five dollars."

"You only gave me three!"

"I know, but I like that one."

"I like that one too," Dark said, emerging from the back. "But we have rules about these things."

"Boo."

He nudged Link aside with his hip and leaned over the cash register. "Gimme a kiss and we'll call it even."

Sheik promptly smacked him on the side of the head. "Knock it off, Link's gonna kill you."

Dark glanced at Link, who did, in fact, have murder in his eyes. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I have no designs on any of your friends." He paused. "Except possibly the redhead." He pointed at Ralph. "If anyone can turn you, it's me."

"Give it your best shot," Ralph grinned. "I am all about the ladies."

"We'll see."

"You are all insane," Kafei declared, "and I am going to sit down."

"You're no fun."

A couple of girls came in the door then, and Dark went to work his charms on them.

"That guy is going to get a face full of mace one of these days," Sheik said. "And it'll be a shame, because he doesn't deserve any worse than pepper spray."

"I'm buying you pepper spray," Link said.

"I won't say no."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

It's short, I know, but I'm kind of stuck. I need to introduce some more people and set the scene a bit more before I can start laying on the action. I think I can do it in just one more chapter. We'll see...

I take only partial credit for Koume and Kotake as sorority girls. My brother suggested the sorority thing, I just made it specifically those two. Oh, and guess who "Nabs" is.

I like Dark. I like him a lot. I hope I made his personality clear, since he's a main character now.

Anyways... Yeah. Enjoy.


	6. Sewer Gator Saves First Grader!

Chapter 6. Sewer Gator Saves First Grader

It was three o'clock in the morning. Only the nocturnal and the insomniacs were about, and all of them were staying indoors. It had become a good idea, as of late. Even those who didn't read the paper and see the statistics knew that Something Bad was lurking in the darkness.

They didn't share this knowledge with the daywalkers. They didn't see the need. If someone who wasn't used to living in shadow turned down the wrong alley and was devoured by something half-formed, that was _their_ problem.

At least, that was what most of the callers to "The Sage Spirit Show" seemed to think. The current caller was ranting about something he'd seen the previous night.

"Flying about on broomsticks they were! Like it weren't no thing!"

"Were they women?" Sage asked. She always treated her callers with the utmost respect, asking intelligent questions and never challenging their claims.

"Yes, well, sort of. Girls. In them little shirts and pants that barely cover their…them."

"Teenagers?"

"Looked like college girls. Twins no less!"

"Well that _is_ interesting," Sage practically purred.

"That's not even the amazin' part! As I was watchin' 'em, one of 'em's hair burst into flame!"

"Wow!"

"An' the other sort of crystallized, like ice."

"Yikes. I just hopes these girls are on our side."

Dark, lying upside-down on his couch, grinned. He liked Sage Spirit, thought she would be fun to party with. His company for the evening had left some time ago, it had been an amicable parting, so now it was just him and the radio.

The tiny apartment had come cheap, since the landlady liked him, but he still only made enough to afford the radio, a second-hand couch, and the bed that was no more than a metal frame with a mattress on it. He didn't mind poverty, there were other ways to get what you wanted, but he didn't like the silence. No matter how many people he brought back to that place, they always left, and then he was alone.

Sometimes Dark wanted to kill Link just for sticking him with this particular weakness.

"This is Sage Spirit, coming at you from the witching hour. Things look to be getting pretty hairy out there, so keep your guard up. You never know when the monsters are going to start crawling out of the woodwork."

"I give it about two weeks," Dark said aloud. "Before the big ones start crawling anyway."

zzz

Monday dawned with a cloud-filled sky and a sharp wind that chilled to the bone. Any negative feelings Link and Ralph had about the weather were quickly squashed however, by the faint note of panic in Kafei's voice as he told them about his weekend.

"Did you know?" he asked, hissing the question. "Did you?"

"Did we know what?" Link asked, trying to hide his amusement.

"It's _themed_. Prom is _themed_." There was white visible all around his eyes, and he looked like he might snap and start shooting at any moment. "I wouldn't have minded, you know, a tux, but- but- _this_?"

"What is it?"

He glanced around the hallway nervously, then gestured for his friends to lean in close. "She got me a Keaton Mask."

There was a moment of silence.

"A…what?" Link asked.

"You know," Ralph said, "a mask that looks like a Keaton. Those little foxy demon spirits? The theme of prom is, like, legends and old stuff."

"You _knew_?!" Kafei exclaimed.

"It's not like they've been keeping it a secret! It's on all the posters."

"You could have warned me!"

"And missed your reaction?" Ralph grinned. "Blasphemy."

Kafei groaned and buried his face in his hands. "You should see the rest of the outfit she got me. It's…with these shorts…and…grarg."

"I'm going as a wizard."

The other two glanced at Ralph in surprise. "You already have an outfit picked out?" Link asked.

"I wouldn't normally, but I saw a picture of this dude in a book and he looked really cool, so I just decided to go as him."

"Oh…" Link frowned as a realization struck him. "I guess this means I'll actually have to put some _thought_ into what I'm wearing then."

"'Fraid so."

He sighed. "At least I get to be creative."

"You know what," Kafei said suddenly, snapping out of his gloom. "You should go as the Hero of Time."

"The who?"

"You've heard it. Traveled through time, defeated big spooky guy, saved the world."

"Oh sure, yeah. But…would I need, like, armor or something?"

"No. I saw a picture of an old woodcut of him on the internet the other day. He kind of dressed like a fairy."

There was a moment of silence.

"Not _that_ kind of fairy," Kafei rolled his eyes. "He wore green."

"Ah. Well, maybe. I do like green."

"Plus, you know…" his tone dropped conspiratorially. "He saved the princess."

"Lots of guys in stories saved princesses. It's practically a prerequisite for being a hero."

"I know," he grinned and pointed his thumb down the hall. "But he saved _the_ princess."

Link and Ralph followed Kafei's gesture, to where the princess herself was being interrogated by a so-called "friend."

"And just _where_ were you all weekend young lady?" Malon demanded, sound for all the world as though she was serious.

"I was busy," Zelda said simply.

"All weekend?"

"Yes."

"And last weekend too?"

"Yes…"

"Busy with what then?"

"Things."

"Things?"

"Yes, things." She shut her locker firmly, signifying the end of that train of conversation. "Now, have we decided what we're doing for prom?"

"You're asking Link."

Zelda promptly tripped over her feet. "What?"

"You," Malon poked her in the chest, "are asking Link to prom."

"No, I'm not."

"Zel, you are going to prom with Link if I have to knock you out and play ventriloquist."

"You- you can't do that!"

"Watch me."

They stared each other down, ignoring the glances from their fellow students and the occasional teacher. Zelda broke first.

"All right, you win. I was planning on talking to him soon anyway. Just…let me do it in my own time, okay?"

Malon grinned the grin of the victorious. "Okay!"

"Can I go to class now?"

"Hey, it's your country, you can do what you want."

Zelda rolled her eyes, shouldered her backpack, and tried to ignore the three pairs of male eyes that followed her down the hall.

zzz

Somewhere far away, but similar to high school in many of its aspects, a young man sat down at a table and glared through pale bangs at the person opposite him.

"College girl, eh?" he said, nodding at her shirt.

"Maybe," the woman replied.

"Drop out?"

"_No_."

"What do you want from me?"

The woman tossed her hair. "Rumor has it you used to date the princess."

"Rumor nothing, that's a matter of public record." He gestured at the gray walls around them. "What do you think got me thrown in here?"

"The newspaper said you stole a car. Not to mention the stalking."

"So you _have_ done some research."

"I'd like to know more."

"About carjacking?"

"About the princess." She glared at him. "You're doing this on purpose."

"Yes."

"Look," the woman leaned over, giving him an ample eyeful, "you're mad at the princess for putting you in here right?"

"You could say that..."

"So then you should have no problem telling me about her. Her secrets, her strengths, her _weaknesses_…"

The young man raised his eyebrows in pretend shock. "Why miss, you're not asking me to help you commit treason are you?"

The woman gave a glance at the security camera before answering, "Of course not. There's no crime in wanting to know more about our country's princess, is there?"

"No. No there isn't." The young man leaned back and grinned. "So miss…Koume, was it?"

"That's right."

"What do you want to know?"

zzz

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Stop by Cold Stone to get some ice cream and visit with Dark. After all, his friends did it all the time when _he_ was working. But Link had forgotten to take into account the fact that _he_ worked there. And that Navi had the amazing ability to yell at people until they did what she wanted.

So that's how Link wound up behind the counter, apronclad and be-gloved, working.

"Cheer up!" Dark said. "You're getting paid."

"But I can't work weekdays too! I have homework! And a life!" He paused. "Well, not so much the last one, but I'd _like_ to have a life."

"It's just for today. Tatl's being Tatl again, and she dragged Tael with her."

"Oooookay." He looked around. "But no one's even _here_."

Dark shrugged. "It's Monday, what do you- Ooh! Redhead!"

Link rolled his eyes. "Why are you getting excited over that? I thought you would do anything with a pulse."

"Probably," Dark admitted. "But I meant _your_ redhead."

"I don't have a- Oh. You mean Ralph."

The bells tied to the door jingled and Ralph and Sheik ignored the plastic ribbon meant to keep them in line and headed straight for their friend. "Link, what are you doing working? It's Monday."

Link just groaned.

"Navi roped him into it," Dark answered for him. "She's good at that."

"Are you gonna sing for us?"

Link's only response was an upraised finger.

The bells jingled again and two girls entered.

Link whipped his hand behind his back, Dark slipped on his "winning smile," and Sheik squeaked with fright.

"Holy crap!" Malon exclaimed. "Link, I didn't know you had a brother!"

"What?" Link said.

Dark shoved him aside and fixed Malon with his best seduction grin. "What can I get for you sweetheart?"

"You can not call me sweetheart, that would be nice."

The grin widened. "Spunk. I _love_ spunk."

"I don't date outside my species."

Much to everyone's surprise, Dark burst out laughing. "I can respect that! Not my personal philosophy, but worthy of respect all the same." He eyed her up and down. "Let me guess, for you one 'Nights in White Chocolate,' Like It size. And for your friend, one 'Our Strawberry Blonde,' also Like It."

Both girls gaped at him. "H- how did you do that?"

"One part practice, one part instinctual knowledge of the Hylian psyche." He whipped out his paddles and got to work. "You know Link then?"

"I'm right here you know," Link said.

"We go to school with him, and Anju here is dating his friend Kafei."

"Ah yes, the bluenette. I detected a distinct air of 'taken' about him." He flashed a smile at Anju. "He's a lucky man."

Anju blushed, and Malon elbowed her in the side. "Anju!"

"I'm sorry, I just… He sounded like he _meant_ it."

"I did!"

"You'd be surprised," Ralph said. "I think Dark means _everything_ he says. Even the outrageous flirting."

"I do!"

Malon shook her head. "I'll believe it when I see it." For the first time, she noticed Shiek, trying to hide behind Ralph without _looking_ like he was trying to hide behind Ralph. "Hi, do I know you?"

"Um!" Sheik struggled with panic for a moment. "No, um, I'm Sheik."

"Friend of ours," Ralph said. "He and Link are practically joined at the hip when they're not at school. We're expecting the wedding invitations any day now."

"Th- that's not true!" Shiek exclaimed.

"Lick me," Link glared.

"I'll leave that up to Sheik."

Sheik squeaked again.

Malon had cocked her head and was looking at him curiously. "You know, there's something _familiar_ about you. Are you sure we haven't met before?"

"Um, pretty sure. Although, I mean, we're the same age, so we must travel in the same circles."

"That's true. What school do you-"

"Order up!" Dark announced.

The girls took their ice cream and headed to a table, the conversation successfully redirected.

"What was that about Sheik?" Link asked. "I've never seen you so nervous."

"It's been a long day… Can I get that Black Forest thing?"

"With no brownie?"

"Please."

"I'll ring you up," Dark attacked the buttons on the cash register with practiced enmity.

"Ralph? You want something?"

"I dunno. Shiek, can I have some of yours?"

"'Course."

"I'm good then."

Sheik had his wallet out to pay when the bells jingled once more and Navi stomped in, dragging Tatl by her wrist. "And if you _ever_ run off like that again I will _personally_ make sure you _never_ find work in this town again. _Ever_."

"All right, all right, I'm sorry! Will you let go of me, that hurts!"

Navi practically threw the girl past the counter and shoved her into the back room. "Link!" they heard her shout. "Get out of here before I change my mind!"

"You heard the lady." Link pulled his apron off over his head and hopped over the little door at the end of the counter. "Come on guys!"

"Hey, wait up!" Shiek grabbed his ice cream and spoons and followed the other two out the door, leaving his wallet on the counter.

"Ah, Sheik!" Dark grabbed the wallet and chased after them, but the three boys were long gone. He sighed and returned to his post, picking up Link's apron off the floor and hanging it up on the way.

Almost automatically, he opened the little black wallet to look at Sheik's ID.

And slowly, helplessly, he began to laugh.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Gods DAMN that was short. And it took me a week. What the hell, Bats?

But there are two important plot things here! Possibly three. Or...four? I dunno. You figure it out.

You know? I think this chapter is actually really bad. It was written in bits and pieces, with the express purpose of forward plot motion. I like the ending, and I like some of the back-and-forth, but as a chapter this sucks.

Enjoy it anyway, if you can.

Oh, and the sewer gator title has absolutely nothing to do with anything. At all.

Ah! Almost forgot! I drew a chart thing of the good guys and posted it on my DeviantArt account. Go check it out!


	7. Long Kept Secret Takes on Life!

Chapter 7. Long-Kept Secret Takes on Life of its Own!

There is something about most high schools that projects an air of Misery. Not quite on the level of middle schools, but bad enough. This is a place where young people are forced to while away the best years of their lives, studying things they don't care about and will never use. The memory of a thousand failed tests, bad breakups, and general malaise permeate the walls.

Most young people approach a high school with no small amount of trepidation, a fact which Anju had seen herself many times. She worked in the office first period, so was the receptacle of excuses and sick notes, late arrivals and bad forgeries. So when she heard the voice, echoing down the hall, it was all she could do not to run out there and find out who could be so cheerful on a Tuesday morning. Cheerful enough to do a decent imitation of the BeeGees.

"_Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,  
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.  
Music loud and women warm.  
I've been kicked around since I was born.  
And now it's all right, it's okay  
And you may look the other way.  
We can try to understand  
The New York Times' effect on man_…"

Anju jumped back and yelped as a person dressed all in black skidded in front of the window and struck a disco pose.

"_Whether you're a brother  
Or whether you're a mother,  
You're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.  
Feel the city breakin'  
And ev'rybody shakin'  
And we're stayin' alive, stayin' alive.  
Ah, ha, ha, ha,  
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive.  
Ah, ha, ha, ha,  
Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive_."

The person collapsed on the counter, gasping for breath. "Hoo man, that's hard. I need more practice." He looked up at Anju through black bangs and grinned. "Not bad though, right?"

"Um, no, not bad. Who are-" she stopped, realizing she'd seen that face before. She'd seen it doubled even. "It's you! Link's brother! From Cold Stone!"

"Sure, why not?" he straightened up and dug into the pocket of his black hoodie. "I figured this would be the best place to bring this, since I doubt someone like me would be allowed anywhere near her house."

"Well, maybe if you wore fewer chains…and some color."

"Blasphemy! Here," he produced a small black wallet and handed it over. "I can trust you to return that, right? Anju wasn't it?"

"Oh, you remembered! And, you were Dark right?"

"Right!" He grinned at her again.

"Um," she gestured with the wallet. "Where did you find this?"

"At work. She- uh, she left it."

Anju opened it and took a look. "Oh! This is Zelda's! She's a friend of mine, I can give it to myself."

"Right on! I'll leave it in your capable hands then." He flashed her one last smile. "That's a pretty top, by the way. Really brings out your complexion."

Anju found herself blushing furiously. "Th- thank you!"

"_Well now, I get low and I get high  
And if I can't get either I really try.  
Got the wings of heaven on my shoes  
I'm a dancin' man and I just can't lose_."

zzz

Zelda was, naturally, extremely grateful to get her wallet back. But when she found out where Anju had gotten it, or rather who she had gotten it _from_, the color drained from her face and she made a noise that could be best described as "eep."

"Zel? What's wrong?"

"I… Nothing. Something." She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. I knew it was only a matter of time."

"You gonna tell us?" Malon asked.

"After I tell someone else." She smiled wanly. "If I call you in tears at three in the morning, just let me ramble okay?"

"What are friends for?"

zzz

Link's phone rang mere seconds after he got home. Since there were only three people who might call him, and the other two were driving away in Kafei's van, he answered with, "Hi Sheik."

"Hey Link."

"You okay? You sound down."

"Yeah, I'm… No. Look, can you meet me at the park at about six?"

"Sure, but-"

"I'll see you there." He hung up.

Link stared at the phone, completely lost. Sheik had never done that before, never treated him like that. Something had to be wrong.

He considered calling Kafei or Ralph and asking if they had any ideas, but if Sheik wouldn't tell _Link_ it was unlikely he would have told anyone else.

And that worried him.

The rest of the afternoon seemed to last decades. Link had been having trouble sleeping again, so his attempts at doing homework quickly degenerated into spacing out. Link wasn't much for thinking about his own feelings, but he was aware they existed. He could feel…something, pressing at the edges of his mind, barely held at bay. It was similar to when you're just getting a cold, and you're not sick _yet_ but you know you're going to be and it's going to _suck_.

At five o'clock he decided to just go to the park and wait for Sheik. Of course, he had to get ready first, and as soon as he looked in a mirror he started noticing a hundred little things that needed adjustment. So in the end he had to run to make it in time.

Sheik wasn't at the head of the path that was the official "entrance" to Kakariko Park. There wasn't a wall or anything, so Link had no idea why the park needed an entrance, but it was the usual meeting place. Sheik not being there was odd, but Link decided to go and check the basketball court where they usually played, just in case.

It was getting dark early. There were only a few clouds, but they seemed to be gathering with the specific intention of blocking out he last few rays on the sun before it slipped under the horizon.

Link wondered why his thoughts had turned so poetic all of a sudden, but wrote it off as too much Shakespeare in English class.

Sheik wasn't at the basketball courts either, and it was getting darker by the second. Link turned back and sent up a mental prayer that Sheik was waiting for him. His heart was pounding all of a sudden, and the shadows of the trees looked oddly foreboding. Something was _wrong_, he could feel it. It was just like the dreams he'd been having lately, with the evil presence and the fire and ice and darkness consuming the earth. He'd looked up the imagery online at school when he was supposed to be working on a paper, but he found it hard to believe his subconscious could see the future. Especially when Zelda kept popping in at the end. The explanation was probably less new age and more Freudian.

Link wondered what Old Siggy would have to say about the fact that that shadow looked like a skull-shaped spider.

Something clutched at his pant leg and he shook it off absently, but a couple steps later something else did the same. Link figured it was a branch or a bush and ignored it. Then he felt something grab at his other leg, then his thigh, and finally his shoulder.

There were _not_ that many bushes on the path.

Link looked down.

And screamed.

Half a dozen enormous orange eyes looked up at him from the fuzzy black balls that clung to his clothes. He panicked, shaking his limbs frantically and brushing at his legs. When the last of the creepy little things let go and melted back into the shadows he took off running down the path.

The initial "fight or flight" response carried him nearly two hundred yards before he remembered what he was doing in the park in the first place. He slowed for a second, worrying about Sheik and trying to find a logical explanation for those things, then a giant purple flower sprung up from the side of the path and tried to take a bite out of him.

Mmm, adrenaline.

He was close to the entrance when he heard a clatter and a shout from beyond the path. Without a thought, he shifted his destination to the owner of that voice.

There, something breaking up the shadows. And women's voices, hissing at each other.

"…doing here?"

"…don't know, but we can't…"

"…leave him for the…"

"Oh _hell_ no!"

That last voice, Link _knew_ that voice! "Sheik!" he shouted.

"Link!" he heard his friend shout back. Link dodged around a final tree and saw Sheik and three women standing near a jungle gym, the shadows boiling around them. All three were young, collage age, and one was wearing what looked like a sorority jacket. They had dyed red hair, and were pretty in a conformist sort of way, but from the way they were standing, and the way Sheik was crouched defensively in front of them, Link knew they were bad news.

"Get out of here you idiot!" Shiek shouted. "They're crazy!"

"Grab him!" one of the women shouted.

The shadows behind Link took on physical form, long spiky vines that whipped out and grabbed his arms and legs with clawed appendages.

"Shit!" he exclaimed. "What the hell is going on?"

"I told you we could speed it up if we found the right place!" the shortest of the women exclaimed. "You owe me a pedicure!"

"We agreed manicure!" the first one snapped back. "And I don't see what's so 'right' about this place."

"Plants, hon. Plants have tons of natural energy, we just needed to turn it to our purposes. The twins are going to be so happy!" She smirked. "I'll be they reward me."

"_Reward_ you? Sweetheart, the best we can hope for is to not be made slaves when the king returns."

"Hey! I'm sure he'll need, like, duchesses or whatever."

The third girl rolled her eyes and summoned up more vines to grab Sheik. He was pulled back to a few yards from Link, and the both of them started struggling futilely.

Meanwhile, the bottle-redheads were still arguing. "Have you done any research on this guy _at all_?" the taller one said. "It's all divide and conquer, no mention of any friends or underlings. You know, that didn't get killed."

"If you don't want him back, why are you helping?"

"I never said I didn't want him back. I just don't have any illusions about what'll happen to us afterward."

"We'll be killed?"

"No, we'll be left to our own devices. The twins might get some recognition, but the rest of us are, like, unnamed soldier guys. Nobody cares about us."

"_I_ care about us."

The third girl finally interrupted. "Hey, don't we have a job to do here?"

"Oh yeah, planting that thingie." The short girl glanced around thoughtfully. "You think there's enough energy here to support it?"

"Close enough. And it'll finish off the witnesses." She jerked her thumb at Link and Sheik.

"Hey!" Link exclaimed. "What the hell are you talking about? What do you want with us?"

"We don't want anything with you," the responsible girl said. "You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time." She shrugged. "Sorry boys. It's Game Over."

"Fuck that!" Sheik said.

"You can't do this to us!" Link added.

"I'm afraid we can. Elana?"

"Right, Sam!" the short girl said.

"Lynna, you shield it until we get away."

"Right!" the tall one said.

The one named Elana almost skipped over to the jungle gym and climbed up on top of it with all the ease of someone who had never stopped playing on them. She pulled something out of the pocket of her short jacket and dropped it in the center of the bars.

Link thought he saw an object fall to the earth, hitting the sand with more force than something so small should have.

"Run!" Elana shouted, leaping off the jungle gym and landing easily on her feet.

"Sheik," Link muttered. "I'm starting to think these girls aren't your typical co-eds."

"What was your first clue?"

The girl named Sam was chanting under her breath, while Lynna was weaving strange patterns in the air with her hands.

"I think it was all the black magic," he said.

Sheik laughed weakly. "Oh man, we're gonna die."

"Not if I can help it."

Sheik tugged at one of the vines. "And how do you plan on helping it?"

"I'll think of something. Damn, I wish I smoked."

"Why? Want an excuse to ask for a last cigarette?"

"No," he shook his leg to shift a vine that was getting a little too friendly. "It's just that if I had a lighter I could burn these things off."

"Burn…Oh, _oh_! Oh gods, I am so stupid!"

"What-"

"After the girls leave."

"Oh, right."

Sam seemed to have finished her chanting, and was backing quickly away from the jungle gym. "Got it Lynna?"

"Got it."

"Okay then. Run!"

All three girls turned and booked it into the trees. Seconds after they vanished, the ground rumbled, and the sand under the jungle gym began shifting and bulging.

"Uh, Sheik, if you're gonna do something do it now."

"I know, I know." He moved his arms as best he could with the vines pulling at him, then drove one hand to the ground and shouted, "Din's Fire!"

A wall of flame burst from his hand and spread in a circle all around him, almost singing Link. "Yeow! Watch it!"

"Sorry." Sheik rose to his feet and dusted the charred remains of vines off his shoulders. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Can you get these things off me?" A green tendril emerged from a large bulge in the sad. "Um, _now_?"

"Hold still." He grabbed hold of one of the vines with both hands and muttered a sharp command. The vine sizzled in his grip, retreating before it could be burnt through. The other three took the hint, and Link found himself suddenly free.

"Great," Link sighed. "Now what do we do about _that_?"

It was emerging from the ground at a frightening pace, definitely plant-like in nature, but bristling with tentacles and claws and spiked petals. The colors were the type that are only found on exotic flowers and poisonous animals, and somehow Link was reminded more of the latter when he looked at it. It was so big now that it was struggling against the metal bars of the jungle gym, and it seemed to be winning.

"Well we certainly can't _leave_ it," Sheik said. "_Kids_ come here."

"I know. Can you do a fire thing big enough to stop it?"

"I don't know. I've never had to do it more than once in a row. It takes a lot of energy."

"Well…" Link surveyed the plant-thing quickly. "If it has a core, could you burn the core?"

"I think so. But I'd have to be close.""

A part of the jungle gym snapped and broke, and one of the plant-thing's clawed tendrils snaked free.

"I'll just have to play distraction then," Link grinned. He grabbed a stick off the ground and charged toward the swelling plant, shouting something unintelligible.

"Link!" Sheik exclaimed, then chased after him.

The lone free tendril whipped around and struck at Link. He tried to block it with his stick, but the bladed end sliced through it without even losing momentum. He took the remaining half and smacked the flat part aside, ducking and rolling to get closer.

"You run around behind it!" he shouted back at Sheik.

"If you die, I'll fucking kill you!" Sheik replied.

"Same to you!"

Another bar snapped off the jungle gym, and one of the legs popped out of the ground, bringing a hefty chunk of cement with it. Three more bladed tendrils and a spike-edged petal were now loose, and focusing on Link.

He tossed the useless stick at the plant, the dodged back and started gathering rocks. It rustled and clawed at him, but he managed to stay out of reach.

Sheik was now out of sight on the other side of the plant, but the jungle gym was straining and snapping all over the place, and Link was running out of rocks. Worse, the plant seemed to be getting smarter. Instead of just thrashing about wildly, it was following his movements, and not attacking outright until he let his guard down. Link was actually starting to fear for his life…

When he heard Sheik scream.

Afterward, Link could never properly explain what happened next. Sure, he knew what he _did_, but it was like he was on autopilot. Acting without thinking, knowing just what to do without knowing _how_ he knew. It was like some bizarre racial memory took over and turned him into a stereotypical white knight, charging into battle.

Of course, the white knight didn't usually end up wrapped in tentacles. Well, okay, once, but Ralph swore that wasn't the movie he'd meant to rent.

Link squirmed around in the vines' grasp to make sure Sheik was okay, then set himself to the task of getting free. With just a little straining of his shoulder sockets, he pulled one arm free and started beating at the non-pointy parts of the vines. He almost didn't notice that the plant was pulling him closer and closer to its center. Not until the petals spread open, and something the look suspiciously like a mouth opened wide.

"_No_!" Sheik screamed, really _screamed_, and threw himself at the acid-trip-colored flytrap. "Din's Fire!"

It burst forth with a "_fwoom_" straight out of the action movie, instantly charring the main part of the flower, and scorching everything else. A wave of hot air hit Link, and he hit the ground hard as the vines holding him lost their support.

He ripped off just enough of the tendrils to permit movement, and stumbled over to where he'd last seen Sheik. He was slumped against a bowed and blackened part of the jungle gym, panting.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah. Let's get-"

Something clattered from behind them, and Link turned to see a giant spider with a skull on its back crawling from behind a tree. A few yards away half a dozen little imp-things with sharp sticks were converging, and there was a noise beyond that sounded distinctly like giant footsteps.

"Let's get the _hell_ out of here."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Well, I promised you action and here it is. The first boss battle! Recognize all the monsters I mentioned?

The three evil sorority girls (who probably won't be back) were named after some of my readers. You know who you are. No favoritism, they were just the ones I knew how to get in touch with. They probably won't be back. Maybe as redshirts.

About the beginning, Dark was totally imitating John Travolta. I originally imagined that scene as a comic, but it would be hard to do since it's mostly walking. Still, I hope you can picture it.

Are you mad at me for putting off Zelda's coming clean? Sorry, but that's just the way it worked out. Don't worry, she's not going to chicken out. She won't have much choice... #_cough#_

Anyway, hope you liked this one. Even if I do think I suck at fight scenes.

Who caught the hentai reference?


	8. Your Doctor Could Be An Alien!

Chapter 8. Your Doctor Could Be An Alien!

If you've ever been a teenager, you know a little about insomnia. School, work, friends, relationship issues, it all adds up until sleep is a distant memory.

Have you ever gone several days without a good night's sleep? Have you ever been chased, tied up, beaten, and then forced to walk what feels like miles on a grand total of four and a half hours of sleep? After that much excitement and that little rest, the body reaches a state best compared to being under the influence of some kind of illegal substance. In this state, comprehension shuts down, vision blurs, coordination goes out the window, and rational thought is about as possible as suddenly mastering tae kwon do. In short, you are so tired things don't even make _sense_ any more.

Link and Sheik were in this state as they walked through Link's front door.

They flopped down on the couch almost in unison, leaning their heads on the back.

"So you wanna stay here tonight?" Link asked. "Avoid explaining how your clothes got smoke stained? Until tomorrow anyway."

"Yeah, thanks." Sheik sighed. "My parents are gonna…I dunno. Something."

"Be mad?" Link suggested.

"Pro'lly."

They sat in silence for a minute, staring blankly at the ceiling.

"I was gonna say something," Link said. "But I lost it."

"I hate that."

"Yeah…"

Another silence.

"Hey, Link?"

"Mmnm?"

"You know…back there…for a second I- I was really scared."

Link rolled his head over and looked at Sheik. "Of what?"

Sheik shrugged. "I thought that… I thought I was gonna…"

"Die?"

"_Lose_ you." He rolled his head over too, and Link realized their faces were very close together. "Link…you're my best friend. If you died… I- I just don't know what I'd do."

Link blinked slowly. "I'm not gonna die Sheik."

"You promise?" His eyes were very bright.

He leaned his head a bit closer. "Only if you promise too."

"What am I promising?"

"That you won't go anywhere. Ever. That you… That we… You know."

"Yeah, I know." He smiled. "I promise Link. I promise."

"Good. I promise too."

And then it was the most natural thing in the world to close the gap between them. Their lips met, pressed, parted. Link slid an arm around Sheik's waist as Sheik twined his fingers in Link's hair. Warm bodies, the press of flesh, a tangle of tongues.

And then Link's eyes opened wide and he found himself at the far end of the couch, without even knowing how he'd gotten there. "Oh my gods!" he exclaimed, hands flying to his mouth.

Sheik stared at him for a couple seconds before what had happened registered. He blinked, and his mouth dropped open. "Oh…oh shit. Dammit, Link, I am _so_ sorry."

"Oh gods oh gods oh gods…" Link moaned, burying his face in his hands.

"I'm sorry Link, that- that was way out of line. I never should have- I'm so sorry!"

"Why?" Link muttered. "Why did this have to happen? Things were going so _well_ and now this…"

"I'm sorry. Link, I'm sorry. I'm so so-"

"Stop apologizing!" He raised his head up to shout. "Just- just stop, dammit. This is my fault too."

"You? But Link, I-"

"I kissed you too!"

The silence that followed was the most uncomfortable Link and Sheik had ever shared.

"We…we can just forget about this," Sheik said after a moment, looking down at his hands. "It doesn't have to mean anything."

"But it did…" Link muttered. "And you know it."

Sheik twisted his fingers until they hurt. "Link I… I know how _I_ feel, but you-"

"Feel the same way. And I don't know why!" He shoved his hands through his hair and leaned his head back. "It doesn't make any sense. At first I thought it was just 'cause you're my friend and I'm so lonely and I was, like, projecting on you or something. But every day it got stronger and stronger until this… And you're a guy! A guy, dammit! I'm not- At least I don't think- I mean I _know_ I like girls. I never thought, never even _considered_, it never even crossed my mind that…"

He groaned and switched positions again, slumping over the arm of the couch. "I guess… I guess the best way to explain it is it's like people who fall in love over the internet. They've never met, never even seen pictures of each other, but they love each other all the same. There's a physical aspect too, because they're only human, but more than anything they're in love with who the other person _is_, not what they look like, or their gender or anything. Does that make any sense at all?"

Sheik was blinking at Link with the look of one who didn't know whether to be happy or sad, and had instead opted for shock. "Did you…did you just say…love?"

Link blinked too. "Um…no?"

"Link-"

"Just forget it."

"Link, listen to me."

"I can't- I don't know- I just…"

"I'm sorry."

"I told you to stop apologizing!"

"No, not for that." Sheik stood up and took a few steps away. "For…everything else. For everything that's happened between us since the day we met."

"Sheik… No, don't say that."

"But I am! Link, I- I don't know how I can expect you to forgive me, or even understand, but…" He gestured desperately. "You saw tonight, that I can do magic."

"Yes, but so can lots of people. I mean, no one I've ever _met_, but I've heard of people who still do it. And you're a Sheikah so I kind of assumed…"

"That's the thing… I'm not a Sheikah. I'm not gay. I'm not even a _guy_. Link…I'm so sorry."

He put his hand to his chest and took another step back, then started to glow. There was a bright flash of light, so bright that Link had to shield his abused eyeballs. When it faded he blinked back tears and looked at Sheik.

Princess Zelda looked back at him.

Link's mouth dropped open, but no sound came out. He realized he was pointing accusatorily at her, and that probably wasn't the best way to react to finding the girl of your dreams in your living room, but he couldn't seem to stop.

Zelda meanwhile, was involved in panic-induced babbling. "Impa taught me most of the magic, including how to turn myself into a different person, she meant for me to do it if I ever needed to hide or something, but I don't think she meant for me to use it to hide from the _press_, and when I met you in that bar and I told you it was like a vacation for me? That was true. 'Cause it just gets really old knowing that everything I do might get printed up in a magazine with my head Photoshopped onto Malon's body. Fuck, who am I kidding? Those magazines use _MS Paint_. And nobody cares what _Sheik_ does, Sheik is just some guy. Sheik's not a princess. Sheik's about as not-Zelda as it's possible to be. Different gender, different race. I just wanted to be a background character for a while, you know? I never expected to make friends and really _good_ friends too, and oh gods Kafei and Ralph are going to be _so pissed off_ when they find out. I am so so _so_ sorry about all of this. Link, I've liked you for the longest time, and at first I didn't think about what it might mean, becoming your friend as Sheik. I decided I wouldn't complicate things and stay away from you as Zelda but I fell for you more and more so I knew I had to tell you the truth eventually but I was so scared because I knew it would hurt you and hurting you is the _last_ thing I want, but honestly I never never expected to fall in love with you 'cause, well, that would just be stupid wouldn't it? Falling in love while you were pretending to be someone you're not. But it just happened and it got so out of hand and I am so so sorry and I know you can never forgive me but-"

"Zelda."

She stopped.

"Did you just say…love?"

"Um…no?"

They looked at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing.

"C'mere," Link patted the spot next to him on the couch, and Zelda sat nervously.

"I'm not going to pretend this isn't crazy as hell," Link said. "But, well, you know how I feel about you. Both of you. Ralph's teased me about it enough."

"Yeah…"

"And I've gotta admit, this makes things simpler. At least I don't have to question my sexuality."

Zelda giggled. "Yeah… Although really Link, you might-"

"So what now?" he said quickly.

She blinked. "Um…I was hoping you might have an idea."

"Not a single one."

"Oh."

They sat in silence. Then Zelda leaned her head against Link's shoulder.

"Umm…"

"Is this okay?"

"I- Yeah." After a moment's pause, he shifted and put his arm around her shoulders. "Is _this_ okay?"

"_Oh_ yeah…"

They looked at each other.

"Are we idiots?" Link asked.

"I think so, yeah."

"Can I say something sappy?"

"Sure."

"We… We can be idiots together?"

Zelda looked at him, and his hopeful puppy-dog expression. "You have to ask?"

It took just a little shifting of weight and a hand on his knee for leverage to press her mouth against Link's. He stiffened for a moment, then melted into it.

"You know," he said when she pulled back. "I think you might be the man in our relationship."

"Do you mind?"

"I honestly don't know." He slid his hand along her cheek and leaned down for another kiss. "But this feels pretty good."

"Good."

zzz

There was some kind of obscenely loud noise coming from somewhere. Link's brain was far too sleep-fogged to figure out what it was, or where he was, or what the warm thing lying on him was, but that noise was enough to force his eyelids open and make him take a look at the world.

Living room. Sunlight. Morning? Car horn?

"Shit!" Link leapt to his feet, dislodging the warm thing that he had still failed to identify, and charging straight out the front door to the end of the driveway where Kafei waited in his van.

He pulled the passenger door open and slumped against it, panting. "Woah," Kafei said. "You look awful. Isn't that what you were wearing yesterday? And you're all dirty and rumpled."

"Yeah, um, I know." He patted his hair to see how bad his bedhead was. Felt pretty bad. "It's a long story, but can you give me five, maybe ten minutes?"

"We're going to be late. Just grab a clean shirt and a comb and…let's…" He was staring beyond Link, at the front door.

Link turned and saw Zelda standing there, leaning half out and looking as dirty and rumpled as he felt. She was blinking at them vaguely, apparently still mostly asleep.

"Give me details and you can have _twenty_ minutes," Kafei said.

"Um, yeah, sure." Link made a hasty retreat, pulling Zelda back indoors behind him.

Twenty minutes later, Army-showered and both dressed in Link's clothes, he and Zelda climbed into the back of Kafei's van.

"Sorry about that," Link said.

"Yes, sorry," Zelda added. "And thanks."

"Hey, no problem." He glanced back at her. "You can trust me by the way."

"I know. I mean, because you're Link's friend and all," she amended quickly.

"Umm, are you wearing Link's shirt?"

"His pants too." There was a pause. "What? I couldn't just wear _my_ clothes! They were all dirty and charred."

"Charred?"

"Long story, don't ask. Besides," she grinned, "I think I look better in this shirt then Link ever did."

"That's because you've only done three of the buttons," Link smirked back at her.

"That too."

When they were a couple blocks from the school Zelda asked Kafei to pull over. "There might be paparazzi watching for me, and I don't want to get either of you mixed up in that."

"Why would there be paparazzi at the school?" Kafei asked. "I thought they weren't even allowed on the grounds."

"They're not, but there're these newfangled inventions called 'zoom lenses.'"

"Har har."

"Sorry." She rubbed her arm nervously. "The thing is, I didn't tell Impa, my guardian, where I was going to be last night, so she might have been looking for me. And if one of the photographers who hangs around my neighborhood noticed that they could be lying in wait."

"You make it sound like they're predators or something."

"They are." She shrugged. "But I don't care. It's their job." She pulled open the van door and slid out onto the sidewalk. "I'll call you later Link?"

"Yeah. See you."

Kafei pulled away from the curb in complete silence. Link waited.

"Well?" Kafei said after a moment.

"Well what?"

"Well what was the princess doing at your house! She spent the _night_, Link. Don't think I couldn't tell."

"Kafei…"

"I mean, I knew you had a crush on her, but _wow_. That sad puppy dog thing you've got going must work better than I thought."

"I- Wait, what?"

"And I laughed when Ralph said girls dig pretty guys. I laughed!"

"I'm _what_?"

"So spill man! Tell me everything!"

"You- What- You… There's nothing to tell."

"Come on, don't be like that."

"I'm serious Kafei." Link sighed. "Nothing happened. We met in the park, there was some craziness with college girls and tentacles, then we fell asleep on my couch."

Kafei blinked. "College girls and tentacles? Have you been renting movies with Ralph again?"

"_No_. Look, it- it was really complicated and confusing there for a while, but nothing like what your imagining happened."

"Well…you fell asleep on your couch?"

"Yeah."

"Both of you?"

"Yeah."

"That's something, isn't it?"

"I guess."

"And you _do_ have that crush on her."

"It's…a bit more than a crush. At least I think so…"

"Ohmigosh!" Kafei laughed. "You're blushing! You're actually blushing!"

"Hey, _shut up_."

"Good one Link."

"I'm still only half-awake." Link leaned back in his seat and ruffled his hair. "You know, I don't care what you think. Half of it I don't understand, and the other half isn't even my secret to tell. So you draw your own conclusions. Whatever."

"Can I tell Ralph my conclusions?"

"Whatever."

"If you fall asleep during math class I'm drawing on you."

"Fair enough."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Once again, the chapter title doesn't mean a damn thing. It was, however, a real article in the Weekly World News a couple weeks ago.

This chapter seems really short when I proof-read it, but in a way I've been writing it for _months_. That first bit with Link and Sheik smooching has been written almost as long as the first chapter. The only other future scenes I have written are the end of the next chapter, the beginning of the one after that, and a bit of funny dialogue about anime and The Lord of the Rings that won't come up for many _many_ chapters. WOW this fic is unorganized.

Anyway, there it is, Sheik/Zelda's revalation. Who else will she tell? Can Kafei really be trusted? How long until Link has a breakdown? What's an Army-shower?

To answer a few questions: Link is NOT gay, he likes girls plenty. And somebody wondered about Anju and Dark. Yeah...no. I'm not going to go breaking up a canon couple. Dark's just a perpetual flirt, Anju knows he doesn't mean anything by it. Oh, and the hentai reference in the last chapter was the bit about the white knight and the tentacles. Which is a movie I would totally watch.

I can't think of any other questions... If there's something you didn't understand, and that I won't have to reveal plot details to clarify, ask it in your review.

Oh, and an Army shower is just a really really fast shower. Like, less than five minutes. My dad used to use that term, but I don't know if it's accepted wide-use slang.

Hope you liked the chapter!


	9. Groundhog Falls in Love With Shadow!

Chapter 9. Groundhog Falls in Love With Shadow: Town Faces Eternal Winter!

"Wow, Zel, you look awful," Malon said.

"Thanks," Zelda muttered.

"Miss Impa called me last night you know."

Zelda paused, just for a moment, before answering. "Did she say why?"

"She wanted to know if I knew where you were."

"O-oh…"

"I didn't."

"I know…"

"You're wearing a guy's shirt. And guy's pants too, unless I miss my guess."

"Would it have been better if I wore the same stuff I wore yesterday?"

Malon pumped her fist in the air. "Yes! I knew it! You scored last night!"

"I didn't, actually."

Malon froze in mid-pump. "Then what happened?"

"Got attacked by crazy chicks and was too tired and beat up to go home."

Malon blinked. "Attacked? Crazy chicks? Zel-"

"Malon, how much do you know about magic?"

"Umm…just that nobody really does it anymore. Except you. You can do that thing where you heat up everyone's coffee."

"Yes, well, magic can do a lot more than heat up coffee. It can, for example, summon up giant carnivorous plants."

"Eep."

"Or…" she sighed. "Or it can turn a princess into a guy."

"A… _What_?"

The warning bell rang for first period, and Malon grabbed Zelda's belt loop. "You are not going anywhere until you explain yourself, young lady."

"We're going to be late." Zelda pried at her friend's fingers. "I'll write it down for you, okay? It'll look like I'm taking notes."

"Well…okay." She let go. "But you had better actually do it! I will kick that skinny blonde ass of yours."

"I'm not _skinny_." Zelda rolled her eyes. "But yeah, you could probably take me."

"Damn straight. Now let's get to class."

Malon, in her triumphant haze, didn't even notice the look that was exchanged between Zelda and Link as they passed in the hallway. Even if she had, she probably wouldn't have known what to make of it, since neither of the participants knew themselves.

zzz

Lunchtime was awkward for Link. Kafei kept making teasing remarks, Ralph kept demanding an explanation, and Link kept grunting in response. When it was over, Link shuffled off toward class with nary a rude gesture, no matter how much Kafei deserved it.

"Hey!" a hand grabbed his shoulder, and he turned to see Ralph frowning at him. "What's your deal today?"

"It's nothing, okay?"

"It's _not_ nothing, that's obvious." He fidgeted for a moment. "Look Link…you know you can tell me anything, right? I mean, _anything_. It's cool. It…wouldn't make me think differently of you…"

"What are you talking about?"

"Nothing, I guess." He let go of Link's shoulder and gave him a half-grin. "Come on, you stayed up all night looking at porn, didn't you?"

Link laughed. "No, Ralph, nothing like that. It's just…"

"What?"

"Look, half of it I don't understand, and the other half I have no right to tell you. Let's just say I had a long night, Kafei is a dick, and leave it at that."

"All right." Ralph socked him on the shoulder. "You _can_ tell me anything though."

"I know, I know. Go to class."

zzz

After school Link did his homework, went straight to bed, and wound up staring at the ceiling all night.

Meanwhile, across town, Zelda did the same, but for very different reasons.

zzz

It wasn't until Friday that they managed to get a moment together. Zelda hijacked him in the hallway and told him to wait for Sheik after school. Link tried to protest, he felt weird about seeing Sheik when he knew he wasn't real, but Zelda would have none of it.

"Come on, Link. Just because my face has changed, doesn't mean _I_ have."

"But you're," he gestured helplessly. "You know."

"A girl?" she teased.

"Yeah…"

"Well…If you just want to stay friends, I can handle that."

He shook his head and brushed a strand of hair off her cheek. "I'd like to be friends _too_, if you know what I mean."

"I do."

"But…this is still so weird. Can we take it slow?"

"Of course. After school I'll come over, and we'll just do what you and Sheik used to do."

zzz

An hour after school, Link lay in his bed, panting. "That is _not_ what Sheik and I used to do."

Zelda cuddled up against him and purred. "Maybe it should have."

Link started stroking her shoulder without even noticing. "I'm going to have to avoid Ralph for a while."

"Oh? Has he got those crazy 'you got laid' senses?"

"Yeah. It can be really annoying."

"Malon's like that too. It's a little bit spooky. I have _no_ idea how she does it."

"Mm…" He buried his face in her hair. "'M gonna fall asleep."

"That's okay. I could use a nap myself."

"Mm…"

"Hey Link?"

"Hm?"

"I… I love you."

Link yawned. "I love you too, Sheik."

He then drifted off to sleep, leaving Zelda blinking and confused.

zzz

Saturday morning, Link woke feeling both better and worse than he had in a long time. One question had been answered, one problem solved, but he couldn't shake the feeling that he was forgetting something. That he had left something unfinished. The unsolved mystery of the girls in the park didn't help either. If that wasn't enough, Zelda had been acting weird when she left Friday evening. It seemed like she had wanted to ask him something, but kept losing her nerve. Link wrote it off as yet another unfathomable "female thing."

It had been a busy week, and Link was hoping for a normal day at work. Sure, Dark was bound to be his crazy self, but at least he was _always_ crazy.

Of course, crazy people can never be depended on to not suddenly go over the top. As Link approached the building he thought he saw Dark cleaning the tables. Then he realized he wasn't holding a rag. Then he realized he was dodging around the tables.

Then he recognized the arm motions and head pounding of a full-on air guitar session.

He ran the rest of the way.

Link opened the door and was immediately blasted by pounding bass and familiar guitar riffs. He slammed the door shut behind him, and made a beeline for the radio.

"What do you think you're doing?" he shouted over the music.

"What's it look like?" Dark shouted back, cheerfully. He was holding an ice cream paddle in lieu of the neck of a guitar, and seemed to be really getting into it.

"Everyone can see you!"

"Don't care!" He grinned and waggled his hips.

Link finally got to the radio and turned down the volume. "You're going to be the death of me," he muttered.

"Not if I can help it!" Dark replied, still grinning. "I'd rather die."

"That's…sweet. I guess…"

"Ooh, ohh, here it comes!" Dark leapt on top of the closest table just in time to sing along with the opening lines of the song.

"_Back in black!_

_I hit the sack,_

_It's been too long,_

_I'm glad to be back_!"

"You're crazy! And- Are you wearing girl's pants?"

"No such thing, my friend. Pants are unisex."

"There's a _rose_ on your ass."

Dark wiggled the offending body part. "Starin' at my ass Link? That's sexual harassment."

"Okay, _ew_? No offense Dark but _no_, just no."

"Hey, that reminds me." He hopped off the table and tossed Link the paddle. "Where were you on Tuesday night?"

Link swallowed hard. "Um, what do you mean?"

"I mean just what I said. Tuesday night. Where were you? What did you do?"

"I…I was at home, mostly."

"Mostly," Dark repeated. He opened the little door at the end of the counter and gestured for Link to go ahead of him.

"Yeah…" Link set the paddle on the counter and went on past into the back room. "I also met Sheik at the park."

Dark sighed. "That's what I thought. Oh well, nothing I could have done to stop it. Are you okay?"

"Yes…Why wouldn't I be?"

"Playing dumb time is over! You and Sheik barbecued a giant plant. I don't know if it was _the_ Kalle Demos, but it was definitely at least a distant cousin."

"But-" Link gaped at him. "How?"

"How do I know?" Dark shrugged. "I'm not sure of that myself. I can't use my old senses at all, not if I want to keep my mind my own, but _your_ senses are actually quite good. It took some work to get used to them, but it's better than nothing. Little bit of training and you could be a first-rate monster hunter."

"My…senses? Monster hunter? Dark, I don't know what-"

"I know! I know, and that makes this that much harder." He leaned against the wall and sighed. "As soon as I knew you were in the park that night, I knew it was the beginning of the end. Is there a history of nervous breakdowns in your family?"

"I don't know," Link answered, honestly.

"Well, keep your fingers crossed, 'cause it's only gonna get worse after this." He took a deep breath, then stood face-to-face with Link. "How often do you look in mirrors, Link?"

"Um, maybe once or twice a day?"

"Still, you should be familiar with your own face."

"My own…" He looked at Dark. Dark looked back. Funny, Link had never noticed before that they were exactly the same height. Exactly. To the centimeter. They had the same haircut too. Exactly. And his eyes, though red, were so familiar. The shape of his face, nose, brow. Exactly the same as…

"I've painted and pierced it," Dark said, gesturing with black nails to the half-dozen pieces of jewelry in his ear. "But it's still yours."

Link swayed, the strength suddenly gone from his legs. Dark grabbed his arm, keeping him upright, and helped him to a chair.

"Monsters, magic, giant plants, and now…this? Dark," Link looked up at him. "What are you?"

"Have you studied your legends, Link?" Dark asked.

"I looked some up online, to get costume ideas for prom." Link slumped over in the chair, staring at the floor between his feet. "Why?"

"A few of my kind might have been mentioned. We're… Well, we don't have a name for ourselves, but I guess you would call us beings of shadow."

"Beings of shadow," Link repeated dully.

"Although that's not quite right either, since there are lots of different shadow beings. Some are mere animals, some are as advanced as you are. But my kind, from the world between worlds, are more like shapeshifters. We take on the forms of others to gain their strengths."

"I think I do remember something like that in a couple of the stories. The hero had to fight his shadow."

"Right. I'm guessing the guys from those stories actually _wanted_ to help the bad guy. Either that or his powers have weakened. All I know for sure is that this guy, whoever he is, seemed to think I would do what he said just because he said it."

"What…what did he say?"

"He wanted me to kill you, Link."

Link gulped.

"Relax!" He raised his hands. "I'm not going to! I didn't want to at first because I'm not a killer, and _now_ I know I'd rather die then hurt you. I love you."

Link blinked.

"Man," Dark added quickly. "I love you _man_. Purely platonic and brotherly. I'm not even sure I'm capable of the other kind, since shadows don't mate that way."

"Oooookay… But, why?"

"Why do I love you, or why did the bad guy send me after you?"

"Uh, both, I guess."

"Link, you don't give yourself enough credit! You have the makings of a hero, and a great one at that. You're brave, trustworthy, honest, loyal. You've got natural strength and agility. All that, and you're dead sexy! You wouldn't hesitate if someone was in trouble. Even if it was someone you'd never met. Even if it was someone you didn't _like_. You would give up your life if it meant saving just one other person. That's just who you are."

"Was…was that why you love me, or why the bad guy sent you after me?"

"Oh. Huh. Both, I guess."

Link pulled at his bangs. "So…somebody wants to kill me because I'm a good person?"

"Oh, no. Not quite. It's because you could stop him."

"I couldn't even stop Kafei from dragging me to that bar."

"Oh, you could have if you wanted to. It's just that Kafei's your friend, and making him happy is more important to you than your dislike of bars."

"I…okay. That's creepy, stop doing that."

Dark laughed. "I can't help it! When I copied your body, I copied your personality too. It's basically like I've known you your whole life, but have no memory of what you've done."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I know, sorry." He shrugged. "Look at it this way, you have an annoying brother to be embarrassed of."

Link blinked. He sunk down in his chair. "B…brother?"

"Cousin maybe?"

"Cousin." He nodded slowly. "I think I can handle cousin."

"All right then."

"So…let me get this straight. You're a shadow, who was sent to kill me, but you changed your mind, and now you love me and we work together?"

"Something like that. Except I didn't change my mind, I _never_ wanted to kill you. This bad guy, I don't know his name or anything about him, but he has powers over darkness. As long as I was in my natural form, he could force me to do whatever he wanted. That's why I had to copy you one hundred percent. As long as I'm wholly and completely mortal, he can't tell me what to do. He can't even _find_ me…that easily."

"Is he the one telling those girls what to do?"

"Girls?"

"College girls. They were in the park. They called up that giant plant. They said something about a king, but I don't think they meant the king of Hyrule."

"A king, huh? I think I might know who that is, but I don't want to jump to conclusions." He winced. "Plus, if I'm right, it's worst-case-scenario time."

"And I'm supposed to stop this guy?" Link's voice had risen about an octave.

"He thinks you can, that doesn't mean you'll have to. And even if you do, you won't be alone."

"Let me guess, you?"

"I'll have you know I've gotten pretty good at beating on monsters."

"You have? How?"

"You didn't think that giant flower was the first one, did you? They've been popping up at night for weeks now. I didn't expect major developments this soon, but those girls must've been speeding the process. No worries, I'll do some digging."

"Why? Why are you getting so involved in this? You say _I_ don't have to, but…"

"You don't. I don't either. I'm getting involved because _someone_ has to. This bad guy can't be allowed to do…whatever it is he's trying to do. And since I'm one of the only people who knows about it, I figure I should do my part."

"And this isn't just an excuse to beat on things with a bat?"

"I use a board with nails in it!"

"Of course you do." Link leaned back in his chair and laughed helplessly. "This…this is insane. Bad guys and shadows and monsters and… I can't handle this, Dark! I've felt on the verge of a breakdown all week, longer even. I can't…"

"It's okay." Dark got down on one knee, eye level. "It's okay Link. You don't have to worry about it."

"I don't? How can you say that! Someone wants to kill me! Someone with followers, and power. Someone who could order a- a shadow-creature around?"

"There's nothing you can do about it now. Just take it easy. Breathe."

"I don't want to fight anybody! I don't want to die!"

"Link-"

"And _you_, don't get me started on you. Not even human, stealing my face."

"I know, I'm sorry, but-"

"Why? Why _me_? Why _now_? Just _why_?" He blinked, and realized he was crying. "Oh…oh shit."

"I'm going to hug you now Link," Dark said. "I want you to not hit me, and remember that I'm kind of sort of related to you."

"Kay…" He couldn't help automatically stiffening as Dark wrapped his arms around his shoulders, but soon relaxed into it. The part of him that had been raised to shun affection and all things feminine kept trying to make him move away, but Dark's words were echoing in his mind. Love. Brother. Words he'd never had directed at him before. It hurt. It always hurt, knowing he would never have a typical family, or even any pieces of one, but being tempted like this was somehow worse. Dark already thought of Link as a brother, it would be so easy to just accept that and be happy. Too easy. Could he really trust Dark? Let his guard down?

The truth was though, Link's guard had been dropped the moment Dark touched him. They'd been working together for months now, and Link considered him a friend. More than once, he'd gone to him for advice. Dark was the very definition of straightforward. He meant what he said, and he said what he meant, and he had never, technically, lied to Link.

Link heard a voice begin to speak, and realized belatedly it was his own.

"My mother," he said, shakily, "died when I was born. It doesn't happen often anymore, what with modern medicine and all, but it does happen. I didn't know, for the longest time, what had happened, why I didn't have parents. I've always been passed from foster home to foster home. Sometimes I was only in one place for a month, sometimes a full year, never more. Not until Mr. Deku. He was the one who helped me do some digging. Find out what happened.

"They think she was homeless, or maybe an illegal immigrant, because she didn't have any medical or dental records. No fingerprints on file. Nothing. I don't even know her name. She showed up at the hospital, delirious, babbling, feverish. She said my father was a cop, and that he was dead. She gave me my name, then slipped into a coma and died within hours. They said it was an infection, but I don't think they tried very hard to figure it out. She was already dead, there was nothing they could do.

"I tried looking for my father too, finding out which cops had died in the months before I was born, but there were too many, more than I thought there'd be. It's a dangerous line of work I guess. None of them looked like me. None of them were even blonde. For all I know my mother was lying anyway, hoping for better treatment. If she really was homeless, it was probably a good idea.

"They think she was only twenty years old."

He pulled back from Dark and looked him in the eyes. "Do you have family?"

"Yes. Like I said, shadows don't mate the way humans do, but I have...I guess you would call them siblings. Family."

"Then you don't know what it's like not to have it. To be alone. To have no one that you can really call your own. I have friends, I have foster siblings, but it's not the same. There is no one, no one, who is really mine. My blood. My family. So if you say you want to be my brother…then Dark…_you had better damn well mean it_!"

Dark looked at Link, every trace of the perpetual flirt gone from his expression. Link could feel himself shuddering with the effort of holding back tears, so he hardly reacted when Dark took him by the shoulders and kissed him full on the mouth.

There was nothing sexual in it. In fact, the first thing that popped into Link's head was _The Godfather_, the most guy movie of all time. This was a "you're-my-brother-and-I-love-you-now-shut-up" kiss, nothing more. And though it didn't really seem fair to compare them, since they meant such very different things, Link couldn't help but think that it was even better than that first kiss with Sheik.

"I will buy you presents for your birthday and Christmas," Dark said. "I will be a shoulder to cry on when you don't want anyone to know you want to cry. I will give you advice, both solicited and un, on whatever topic I feel you need help with. And I will tease you _mercilessly_ about your choice in clothing. Will that do?"

"Yeah," he smiled. "Yeah, that'll do just fine. Now come on," he grabbed his apron from the hook and whapped Dark on the head with it, "we've got ice cream to scoop."

"All right, all right, but answer me one thing first." That familier grin spread across his face. "Did you or did you not get _laid_ last night?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

I am faced with a choice. I can either laugh maniacally and leave you to draw your own conclusions, or I can try to explain some things. I think I'm going to opt for neither. The next chapter will explain all of Dark's reasoning, and just how much he knows, and just how much he's keeping from Link. Oh, and Link? In case you can't tell, the boy is rather high-strung. He barely had a handle on his life _without_ the monsters and the cross-dressing, so now he's about one good shock away from a nervous breeakdown. Knowing me, guess how long it'll be before that shock comes?

Also, on the re-read I noticed that this is really choppy at the beginning. I've _got_ to stop skipping ahead and writing parts that come later.


	10. Man Paralyzed With Joy!

Chapter 10. Man Paralyzed With Joy!

"Sing with me, Link!" Dark said cheerfully, cranking up the radio.

"No."

"Come oooooon."

"I'm still mad at you for kissing me."

"Can I help it if I'm affectionate? Besides, you didn't mind at first."

"I was in shock! If you want to be my brother, you can't do that sort of thing." Link winced. "It's incest and it's _icky_."

"You're no fun."

"I don't even know this song."

"Well it's almost over, maybe you'll know the next one. You're a good singer, ya know?"

Link rolled his eyes. "I am not."

"You are! I know you are, 'cause I am, and even if we don't sound exactly alike, 'cause we have different ways of speaking, we still sound similar and I am a good singer! Because!" He paused for a moment, catching his breath, then perked up suddenly. "Idea!"

He dashed into the back room, and reappeared a moment later carrying a CD case. "You know these songs."

"I do?" He looked closer at it. "Hey, I have that- That's my CD isn't it?"

"Yes. But I didn't steal it! You left it here last week."

"You could have just returned it to me."

"I could have, but then I wouldn't be able to do this." He slid the CD in the slot and shuffled through the numbers. "Ah! Number three!"

"Number…" Link's eyes widened. "No… Oh no. Dark, no!"

"Sing with me, or I tell all your friends you cried."

Link gulped.

"_Tommy used to work on the docks. Union's been on strike. He's down on his luck...it's tough, so tough_…"

Link sighed and took the next lines. "_Gina works the diner all day. Working for her man, she brings home her pay. For love_…"

"_For love_…" Dark looped his arm through Link's. "_We've got to hold on to what we've got_."

"'_Cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not_.

"_We've got each other and that's a lot, for love_…"

"_We'll give it a shot_!"

They sang the chorus together. "_Oh, we're half way there. Woah, livin' on a prayer! Take my hand and we'll make it I swear! Wooo-ah! Livin' on a prayer_!"

"_Tommy got his six string in hock_."

"_Now he's holding in what he used to make it talk, so tough, it's tough_…"

The bells tied to the door jingled. Link froze automatically, but Dark let go of him and started dancing around the tables.

"_Gina dreams of running away. When she cries in the night Tommy whispers, baby it's okay, someday_."

"Aren't you supposed to be closing?"

Dark glanced over his shoulder, saw Navi standing in the doorway, and went on dancing.

"_We've got to hold on to what we've got. 'Cause it doesn't make a difference if we make it or not. We've got each other and that's a lot, for love… We'll give it a shot_!"

"Dark! Shut up!" Link shouted.

"Make me!" he returned cheerfully.

Link turned pleading eyes on his boss. "Navi?"

"Go for it."

He promptly tackled his double to the ground.

Navi watched them wrestle around for a bit, then shook her head and went into the back. It was hardly the first time Dark had driven Link to violence, and she doubted it would be the last, but she knew it was good-natured. Like…sibling rivalry.

She had to choke back a laugh at that thought.

Back in front, the two boys were winding down. Well, to be more specific, Link had twisted Dark's arm behind his back, and was holding him down.

"Say uncle!"

"Never!"

"Say you won't make me sing any more!"

"Lick me!"

"Hey, that's my thing!"

Dark wrenched his arm free and flipped over, knocking Link off his back and pinning him under his shoulder. "What's mine is yours, brother," he grinned.

"Cousin."

He blinked. "What?"

"Too many people know that I don't have any family for that brother thing to work." Link started slowly working his arm down Dark's back, to his secret weakness. "So we tell people you're my cousin."

"Oh. I guess that makes sense. You'll have to tell your friends the truth, but those girls from the other da- WAH!" He squirmed and tried to crawl away as Link dug his fingers into his side. "Ack! Pppth! Stoppit!"

"Ha, it works!" He grinned and grabbed Dark's shirt with one hand, keeping the other where it was. "Copied my body, copied my ticklish spots."

"You- you bastard! Ack!" He gave up and collapsed on the floor, laughing helplessly.

Finally, Link relented. He tore his apron off and dropped it on his prone double. "See you tomorrow," he said cheerfully, pausing to retrieve his CD and practically skipping out the door.

Navi emerged from the back room and looked down at Dark, still sprawled on the floor. "You two seem to be getting along."

Dark grinned up at her. "I told him! He had a panic attack."

"So…went better than you expected then?"

"Much!"

zzz

"The Sage Spirit Show" finished on Saturdays at two AM. Sage Spirit herself usually left the station about fifteen minutes after, where she was greeted by at least a dozen fans and crazies who wanted her autograph. That took another fifteen minutes. So it was at 2:33 that she watched the last of her fans drive off into the night, sighed, and started walking.

She was young, barely drinking age, and sexy more than pretty. She had the traditional striking Gerudo features, long red hair and warm brown skin, with the kind of figure that that had gotten her race stereotyped as sluts in the past. Dark remembered those rumors. He also remembered that they weren't true. You couldn't judge an entire race by the actions of a few of its members. It was just as true for whatever the hell he was as it was for the Gerudo.

He watched her from the shadows at the edge of the parking lot. He'd found out, quite by accident, that she lived in a house on the edge of the nearby college campus. She normally got a ride from a friend, but that friend had been busy lately.

"Miss Spirit?" he said as she drew closer.

She jumped with surprise and peered into the shadows. Right, he'd forgotten he would be hard to see, dressed in all black as he was.

"Sorry," he stepped into the light of the streetlamp and smiled as disarmingly as he was able. "Didn't mean to surprise you. I'm a fan."

She was staring at him with an odd mixture of shock and…recognition? "Who… _What_ are you?"

He suppressed his fanboy instinct at hearing her voice in real life and just laughed. "Oh wow! You're the first human to know I'm not one!"

"Your eyes glow in the dark."

"Do they?" He frowned. "I probably should have known that. Oh well."

"It wasn't just that," she admitted. "You blended into the shadows too naturally, and I've never seen a human with such long incisors."

"Ah, those I _did_ know about. I think they give me a roguish air. Attract goth girls too."

"That's…great." She tossed her long ponytail and put her hands on her hips, shifting her shoulder so her purse wouldn't slip down. "Are you going to answer my question?"

"Oh yeah. Your people don't have a name for mine, but I guess I could be called a shadow. That seems easiest. I'm a shapeshifter."

"Oh. That explains part of it anyway."

"Which part?"

She raised one eyebrow and avoided the question. "Did you want something?"

"Oh yeah." He darted back and grabbed a battered black backpack from where he'd stashed it behind a van. "Miss Spirit, given the nature of your program, I'm sure you know about the things that go bump in the night?"

"And the things that go crunch, crash, and smash," she nodded. "What's your point?"

"I want to walk you home."

She blinked. "I'm quite capable of taking care of myself."

"Oh, I don't doubt it! It's just, I've been doing some digging…and it seems your school is positively overrun with the crashes and smashes."

"Yeah…I'd noticed that myself. They leave me alone, for the most part." She cracked a smile. "Maybe they're fans of the show?"

"Nah, they're not that smart. Seriously though, I…would feel better if you would let me walk you home." He glared at her. "And don't let this happen again! Find a ride, or get a bodyguard. Something!"

She laughed. "What are you, my mother?"

"Heh…" He ruffled his hair. "Sorry. Like I said, I'm a fan. So…can I?"

"Sure, why not? What do they call you?"

"Dark."

She snorted. "Creative."

He shrugged. "I like it. Been long enough that I don't think I'd respond to anything else. Besides," he grinned. "You know that rule where you never pass a bar with your name on it?"

"Sure."

"Do you have any idea how many goth clubs in this town have the word 'dark' in their title?"

Sage Spirit laughed. "Right on. And since you're being my white knight, I might as well tell you." She smiled, a predatory gleam in her eyes. "My name is Nabooru."

"Well Nabooru," he pulled a crowbar from his backpack and held it out to her. "Shall we?"

"Let's," she purred.

zzz

It was nearly four AM when Dark left the sorority house to head on home. "Sage Spirit" had autographed his thigh, that signature had gotten smudged by later…activities, and life was good.

The streets looked empty, but Dark knew they weren't. Creatures lurked in the shadows and alleys, creatures that would sooner eat him then recognize him. Which was, of course, why he was carrying a backpack full of melee weapons.

Still, life was good. Life could hardly not be good when you were wearing your favorite radio star's-

"Dark?"

He stopped and turned. He'd thought that everyone who knew his name and might be awake at this hour would also have enough sense to stay indoors. Then he saw who it was.

"Ooooohh," he half-moaned. "The girl who told me off. Malon right?"

"Right." She was standing at the back door of a small grocery store, carrying a broom in one hand and her purse in the other. "What the hell are you doing out here? It's like four in the morning." Her eyes narrowed. "Did you run out on a girl?"

"No! Not exactly… She knew I was leaving, she even kissed me goodbye… And hey! What are _you_ doing out here this late?"

"Getting off work," she gestured at the building behind her. "We were doing inventory and it ran late."

He just looked at her.

"And then there was a poker game," she admitted. A little grin spread across her face. "I cleaned house."

"You go girl," Dark laughed.

"Never say that again."

"Yes'm." He glanced around. "Uh, how are you getting home?"

"Oh, I just figured I'd walk. It's only about six blocks."

"Ooooohh," he moaned again. "You are lucky I'm here."

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm walking you home." He nodded at her hand. "Bring the broom."

"Hell no!" She gripped the broom in two hands. "I don't trust you."

"What, because I hit on you once, or because I dress like a walking Hot Topic ad? If it's the former you've got the wrong opinion of me. And if it's the latter, you're racist." He paused. "Well, not that Hot Topic is a race, but you know what I mean. Just because I like wristbands and fishnet doesn't mean I would _molest_ you or anything."

"All right, all right." She let the broom drop to her side. "You just strike me as…kind of a player, okay?"

"As the great Bon Jovi once said, 'I just wanna live while I'm alive.' But I would never mislead anyone, or hurt anyone." He shrugged. "I'm a slut, not a jerk."

"And you want to walk me home…why?"

"Ah. That." He glanced down the street, at a particularly black patch of shadow, then stepped closer to Malon. "Have you ever been out this late before?"

"Well, not alone."

"Recently?"

"No…"

"Yeah, you wouldn't know then. For the last couple months there have been…things around after dark." He frowned down the street again. "They never used to be so bold, not the smarter ones anyway. I would have expected a few Chus, and Skulltulas of course, but I saw a Moblin last night. A Moblin! Last time this happened, they avoided populated areas."

Malon stared at him blankly. "I have no idea what any of that meant."

"_Monsters_, Malon." His face was grim enough that she didn't question him. "Everything you've heard about in the old legends, and a lot of stuff you haven't. It's walking the streets now, and it wants to kill and eat you. Hopefully in that order."

"What…" her eyes widened. "But, but we would have heard something! The authorities-"

"You humans are very good at not seeing what you don't want to."

"'Us' humans?"

"Oops…"

Malon glared. "I _wondered_ why your eyes glowed in the dark."

"I need sunglasses…"

"Right, because wearing sunglasses at night would make you look soooo human."

"Now that song's gonna be in my head. Thanks."

"Dark!"

"Okay, okay. The short answer is, I'm a shadow. A kind of shapeshifter. I sort of…borrowed Link's face."

"That explains that then. I _thought_ I'd heard once that he didn't have any family."

"So…you mad?"

"That you lied? 'Course not. You don't just go around telling people, hey, I'm a doppelganger thing! That's just begging to be lynched."

Dark paled. "They don't still lynch people, do they?"

Malon laughed. "Of course they don't! Geez, where are you from?" She paused. "Where _are_ you from?"

"We call it the world between worlds. Same place fairies hang out when they're not here. I think monsters come from there too, but they don't have physical form. They're just…a force. Kinda. I dunno."

Malon shook her head. "I still can't believe this. I mean, monsters? This is real life, not some legend."

"Hey, the legends were real life once too."

She looked at him. "You're kidding…"

"Nope! They may have been distorted over time, but most of the old stories and stuff really happened. One of my people even took on the Hero of Time! Got his ass handed to him."

"Is that something you should be bragging abou-"

Dark's ears twitched and he shushed her quickly. "Watch out," he whispered. "Here, get back." He pushed Malon back toward the wall and pointed toward the shadows he'd been watching. "There, you see that?"

She squinted, and sure enough there was something moving. It looked almost like a person, but it was too tall, and the head was wrong, and it moved oddly; hunched, with short legs. And as her eyes adjusted to the dark, Malon realized…it was purple.

"What…the _hell_ is that thing?"

"Bokoblin," Dark said, voice barely above a murmur. "Fairly intelligent, can be tough to beat. Especially if they gang up on you. They don't travel in packs or anything, but where you find one you usually find others. And not just Bokoblins either."

"Oh shit," Malon breathed. "Shit shit shit… It's all true then?"

"Every word."

"_Shit_."

"Well put."

"What do we do?"

"Running comes to mind."

"But…" she gestured helplessly toward the monster. "My house is…"

"That way? Crap." He shrugged his backpack off one shoulder and started digging in it. "Well, I still vote for running."

"Past it? But- but won't it attack? Chase us?"

"Yes. That's why you bring you broom, and I bring…" he yanked something out of the bag, "this!"

It was a board, broken at one end, with about half a dozen rusty nails hammered through the other.

"Please tell me you haven't named it," Malon pleaded.

"Not yet, but that's a good idea!"

She groaned.

"Chill out, Red. We can totally handle this. Totally." He glanced at the Bokoblin, and winced when he saw it too was now armed. "Okay, here's the plan. We run like crazy, and if it catches up to us, we wail on it."

"That's the plan?"

"That the plan."

"Do we have a plan B?"

"I'll come up with one when the time comes. You ready?"

Malon sighed. "Okay, but for the record; this is a terrible idea and I don't like you very much right now."

"Duly noted. Run!"

They ran.

The Bokoblin noticed them almost immediately and started running itself, to meet them. Dark glanced once at Malon, then raised his board in both hands and charged. The Bokoblin met him halfway, swinging at his torso with what appeared to be the back bumper of a car. Dark dodged it easily, whanged it on the back of its head with the flat side of the board, and ran back to where Malon stood, in shock.

"Come on! While it's stunned!" He grabbed her hand and they ran once more.

Unfortunately, the commotion must have drawn some attention, because three more Bokoblins swarmed out of a gap between two buildings just ahead of Dark and Malon. They gave up on the sidewalk then and just ran down the middle of the street.

"This way!" Malon pointed, and they veered down and alley.

Something skritched above them, and Dark hauled Malon backwards just in time to stop the massive spider from landing on her head.

"Wha- what?" she gasped.

"Skulltula," Dark said shortly. "Exactly what it looks like."

"But giant spiders are scientifically impossible!"

"Tell _it_ that!" Dark swung his board at the reaching spider legs, backing up further. "Okay, it's go time."

"What? It's not go time! Why is it go time?"

Dark let go of her arm and ran at the Skulltula, swiping with the nails and jumping back from its clawed legs. It kept trying to circle around and latch onto the closest body part with its creepy spider mouth-parts, which Dark most definitely did _not_ want to happen. He didn't know if Skulltula's were poisonous the way real spiders were, but he couldn't think of a reason why they _wouldn't_ be.

He jumped over one outstretched leg and skirted another, finally getting out of the creature's line of sight. It started scuttling to the side, so Dark planted his feet and drove the dangerous end of the board into the Skulltula's head with all his strength.

It collapsed with a small screech, hitting the pavement hard and twitching unpleasantly. Dark planted his foot against the Skulltula's side and pulled his board free, shaking clear goo off the nails. He backed away just as the giant arachnid exploded into smoke.

"Dark look out!" Malon screamed.

He whirled around, but was a second too late as Malon's broom swung past him and caught the giant creature on the chin. It reeled back and roared, so Malon clocked it again. It stumbled this time, and she took that opportunity to give it a series of quick raps on either side of its head. As soon as it hit the ground she grabbed the board from a stunned Dark and copied the move he'd done on the Skulltula.

She backed away, panting, and handed the board back. "The _fuck_ was that thing?"

"Moblin," Dark said simply. "They're…tough."

Malon kept her eyes on the fallen Moblin until it burst into curls of smoke, the way the spider had. "I- is it dead?"

"Yup. They all explode like that when they die. It's how you know they're not of this world."

"I _killed_ it."

"You sure did! I've never seen someone-" Something grunted from around the corner of the building. "Crap." He glanced around quickly. "We have to go this way to get to your house?"

"Yes… Oh no, are there more of them?"

"Sounds like it. We still have a ways to go?"

"About three blocks."

"Okay, hold on." He crept to the end of the alley, and sloooooowly peered around the corner.

There was another grunt.

"Fuck! Run!"

Another of the pig-faced giants roared after Dark as he ran. This time Malon didn't wait for him to grab her, she just started running and expected him to catch up. After all, she knew from gym class that Link could outrun her without even trying. One of the few downsides to having her figure.

"I think your house is a bust," Dark shouted as, sure enough, he came up behind her. "But I have an idea! This way!"

They turned down a side street, ducked down an alley, avoided a big pack of what looked like dog skeletons, and finally made it to the main avenue of the city.

Dark slowed down, and grinned weakly at Malon. "Made it. Paradise."

Malon gasped for breath for a moment, following Dark into the parking lot of "paradise." "D- Denny's?" she finally managed to say.

"We can hide out here until dawn."

"_Denny's_?"

"I'm gonna get you some pancakes. You've earned it."

"O- okay…"

There were four booths occupied, and a couple of tables too. Malon stared around her in awe. Everywhere she looked, there were people dressed like Dark. Sure, some had more or less black, more or less lace, more or less PVC, but they all looked like they got the same catologues.

"Goths," Dark said, pointing to one table, "poser goths," another, "punks," a third, "and the rest are assorted misfits."

"What- what are they all doing here? It's the middle of the night!"

"These are the children of the night. You don't normally find _quite_ so many here, but with the monsters and all…" He shrugged. "They're seeking refuge, just like us."

A girl with dyed-black hair and eyeliner smudged artfully around her eyes approached them. She was wearing what Malon recognized as standard gothwear, but it was all white instead of black. "Dark!" she greeted him with a grin.

"Ashei!" he replied with equal enthusiasm. He hugged the girl tightly. "How's my favorite ivory goth?"

"Same-old, same-old. How's my favorite garage-sale punk?"

"Out of breath and jonesing for some sausage."

"Was that innuendo?"

"From _me_?" he exclaimed in mock offense. "I am shocked you would suggest such a thing. Shocked!"

She laughed. "Who's your friend?"

"Oh, right. Ashei, this is Malon. I have been assured that she has no interest in me, now or ever. Malon, this is Ashei. She's a…friend."

"By 'friend' he means we've done it once, and sometimes bump'n'grind at clubs." She stuck her hand out. "You don't know what you're missing."

Malon shook it apprehensively. "Thanks, but I think I'll pass all the same. I'm a bit of a prude."

"That's cool too. Hey," she jerked her thumb over her shoulder, at the booth Dark had labeled "goths." "You want to join us?"

"No, that's okay," Dark said. "I have some 'splainin' to do."

"Damn straight," Malon said.

"All right. Well, I can help if it's about," she glanced around, "you know."

"Oh, Malon's already been inducted into the 'you know' club." He put an arm around her shoulders and grinned. "Clubbed a Moblin to death!"

"No way! You really did? All by yourself?"

"Um, yes," she shrugged, trying to look modest. "I think I was running on adrenaline."

"That happens," Ashei agreed. "Oh!" she noticed a server coming towards them. "I'll let you two be then. Come over and talk with us if you want to later. Oh, and Dark, just one question."

"Yeah?"

"Are you wearing a bra?"

"Am I?" He pulled out his shirt and peered down it. "So I am. How about that."

"Anyone I know?"

"Not personally." He grinned. "But you may have heard of her."

"Oh yeah? Well give me a name."

"Sage Spirit."

Ashei promptly screamed like a twelve-year-old girl at a boy band concert. The woman who'd been trying to help Malon and Dark rolled her eyes and leaned against her podium. Apparently the night shift was used to this.

"Tell me _everything_!" Ashei demanded. "Is she hot? She has to be hot."

"Oh yes, hot as the surface of the sun. She's a Gerudo too." He waggled his eyebrows.

"Ooooooh! You lucky _bastard_!"

"She goes to your school you know."

"_What_?" Ashei screeched. "She's in _college_?"

"Yeah! In a sorority. Umm… Which Greek letter looks like a triangle?"

"Delta. Wait, she's a triple-D, isn't she?"

"I'm going to go ahead and assume you _don't_ mean cup size."

"No," Ashei waved her hand. "It's a sorority. Delta Delta Delta. About half the Gerudo at school are sisters. They used to be pretty nice, ditzes but friendly, you know? Lately they've gotten…odd."

Dark frowned. "Odd how?"

"I don't know how to describe it. More…secretive, close-knit. They seem the same in class, but they're always busy." She shrugged. "I can't really explain it, but it seems _sinister_ somehow. Like they're doing something they know is wrong, and they're loving it."

"Nabooru didn't seem like that at all." His frown deepened. "I _did_ notice an abundance of black candles in the living room. And there was something off about the whole building. It didn't feel safe somehow. I thought it was just because it was 'no boys allowed,' but what if…"

Their eyes met.

"You don't think?"

"Nabooru's not mixed up in it, whatever it is, but… Yeah. I'm going to have to do some digging. Some _more_ digging."

"Shit." Ashei shook her head. "Makes me glad I'm transferring next week."

"Oh, already? I'll miss you girl."

"Yeah, you too."

They hugged again, and Ashei punched Dark on the shoulder. "You take care of yourself. I mean, really."

"I will. You do too, okay?"

"I always do."

She headed back to her booth, white heels clicking on the linoleum. Dark finally turned to the server.

"Sorry about that," he flashed her one of his trademark smiles.

"No problem," she gave him a long-suffering smile in return. "Right this way."

Once Malon and Dark were seated and menu'd, Malon started in. "Okay, first and most important, what the _hell_?"

"That's a pretty vague question."

"You _know_ what I mean."

"Okay, okay." He played with a corner of his menu for a moment. "Well…the monsters. They're not…natural. No a part of this world. They're sort of like a symptom, you know? To let you know that something is wrong? Whenever someone starts fucking around with forbidden magic, you get monsters."

"Forbidden magic? Forbidden how?"

"Your basic evil stuff. Mass destruction, raising the dead, making living things dead, bringing people out of the Twilight Realm or between worlds. Oh, and turning living things into other things. You can turn yourself into whatever the hell you want, but once you try, say, turning someone into stone? BAM, monsters."

"Geez…" Malon began shredding a napkin nervously. "So if anyone does any of those things…you get this?"

"What? No, no, not like this! Stuff like this only happens when someone is doing something really bad and really big. One statue that used to be a person would only bring up, say, a couple of naknaks."

"Naknaks?"

"Sorry, Miniblins. I just like calling them that. Oh! And there are some places that have monsters because bad things _used_ to happen there. Like you'll often get Poes or Redeads in a cemetery. Old prisons? Stalfos. And those tiny Stalfos. And ghost rats. Basically anything skeletal or undead."

Malon stared at him, mouth open. He reached across the table and tapped it closed.

She swatted his hand away and glared. "Anything else?"

"Only that I think something _really_ bad is going down now. I mentioned earlier that the monsters usually avoid populated areas? When they don't, it's a problem. I think… I've been seeing signs… And if the Gerudo are involved…" He slumped forward and rubbed the back of his neck.

"Dark?"

"The truth is…I know what's going on. It's obvious. Especially since I still hear his voice every once in a while." He smiled weakly. "He's…not happy with me."

"Who?"

"Him." His voice had dropped to just above a whisper. "I didn't know it was him at first, since he only had a little of his power back. But it is him. It couldn't be anyone else." He gripped the menu so hard that the laminated pages bent. "The evil king. Ganondorf."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Annnnnnnd the bad guy has a name. I mean, I think it was pretty obvious, but now it's been confirmed. That's important somehow.

I could have written more for this chapter, but it was already longer then most of the stuuf I'd been posting, and I thought that was a good stopping place, so here ya go.

If I wasn't going for a theme with the chapter titles, I would have called this one "Malon and Dark's Big Adventure." Except it wasn't as big as I'd have liked it to be. Too bad. I'm nto good at writing battles, so they get repeptitive REAL fast. And besides, in real life? You run.

Denny's at four AM is awesome. Trust me. Oh, and Dark doesn't really shop at Hot Topic, he can't afford it. Ashei (from Twilight Princess. She had those shadows under her eyes so I made her a goth) was closer to the mark when she called him a "garage sale punk."

And once again, I must apologize to Bon Jovi. Can you tell I like 80's music?


	11. End of the World Imminent!

**11. End of the World Imminent!**

Malon stared at Dark. There were nearly twenty people in the Denny's, it was well-lit and warm, but she suddenly felt cold and alone. "Ganondorf?" she asked, keeping her voice low. "You don't really mean…"

"The one and only." He glared at his menu. "Why couldn't Link be drinking age? I really need to drown my sorrows."

"Dark, you…you said you heard his voice?"

"He's the one who brought me here. He wanted me to kill Link."

"_Link_? But what did Link ever do to him?"

"Nothing. It's what he _could_ do. Whenever Ganondorf tries to come back, the gods grant the power to stop him to someone. A hero." He shrugged. "That's Link."

"Does Link know?"

"Not all of it. He's…high strung. I wouldn't want to shock him into a coma or something."

"That wouldn't happen. Link's tougher then you think."

"No." Dark shock his head. "He's _exactly_ as tough as I think. This is his body, remember? I know him. Better than anyone. Better than himself, probably. There's something…something bothering him. Something that he's going to have to address, and soon. I don't know what it is, because he doesn't. But once he figures it out and deals with it, he'll be fine. I'm sure of it."

"Is it…because he has no family?"

"Could be. I don't know." He squared his shoulders. "But _I'm_ his family now. I'll be that for… as long as I can."

Malon looked at him, her eyes knowing. "And how long do you think you can?"

"I don't know," he said softly. "When I took Link's form, I knew it was only a matter of time. I disobeyed _Ganondorf_. The man himself. So it's only a matter of time before…" He shook his head and smiled. "But it's okay! I'm okay! I mean, I don't _want_ to die, obviously, but… I just want to live while I'm alive."

Malon started to reach across the table toward him. "Dark…"

"You kids ready to order?"

They both looked up, startled. A new server smiled obliviously down at them.

"Yes!" Dark said, a perky mask sliding over his features. "Malon, you ready?"

"Oh," she glanced down at her menu. "I guess so."

Dark rattled off his order, no sign of anything at all wrong. Malon was a bit more halting with hers, but the server didn't seem to notice.

As soon as she was gone, Dark went back to looking serious. "You believe me, don't you?"

Malon nodded. "I believe you're telling the truth. It's just…Ganondorf. I mean, he's- he's _Ganondorf_! He's _legendary_! I always knew he was real, but in the same way I know the first King of Hyrule was real. I never thought he would affect my life in any way, and now…"

"Are you scared?"

"Of course I'm fucking scared! Why wouldn't I be?" She shoved her bangs out of her eyes and let out a heavy breath. "There's nothing I can do about it now though, so I guess I'll just enjoy my pancakes. Whenever they come."

Dark grinned. "That's the spirit!"

"I'm not going to work tomorrow."

"I don't think anyone would expect you to."

They sat in silence for a while. One of the other tables started laughing at something, and someone at the punk booth was demonstrating his cell phone's ringtones. It wasn't until the server came back with their food that Dark attempted conversation again.

"How's school?" he said simply.

Malon blinked. "What?"

"School," he shrugged awkwardly. "Anything interesting happen lately?"

She cocked her head and looked at him suspiciously. "Why?"

"Just trying to make conversation." He stopped. "Unless, there's something you think I _should_ know…"

She stabbed a piece of pancake with about twice the amount of force necessary. "Zelda," she hissed, "is _insane_."

"Ahhh, that."

"Yes, _that_." She growled. "She told me in a _note_, can you believe that? I'm her friend, or so I thought, and she tells me that she's completely taken leave of her senses in a _note_."

"Did she _say_ she'd completely taken leave of her senses?"

"Well, no, she just explained about the magical cross-dressing and making friends with Link and stuff. But you've got to admit that's pretty damn crazy!" Malon frowned. "Wait, how do _you_ know about it?"

"Easy, I saw her once before I took this form." He tapped the corner of his eye. "Shadows don't have eyeballs, so we see differently. I could tell that 'Sheik' wasn't wearing her real face, even though even a powerful magic-user wouldn't be able to, because I could _see_ the spell. For lack of a better term."

"So you knew the entire time that she wasn't really a guy?"

"Yup!" he grinned. "And you have no idea how much fun it was to mess with Link about it."

Malon smiled at that. "Poor Link. He must be so confused."

"Did Zelda tell him yet?"

"Oh, something you _didn't_ know. Yeah, she told him last week. After you found her wallet, I guess."

"Ah, that makes sense. She probably thought I would tattle on her."

"Would you?"

"Pfft. Of course not. I don't like lying, but I don't go around revealing other people's secrets."

"You don't like lying?"

"I don't see the point. I'll skirt around an issue if I don't think a person needs to know it, but I don't like to say things that plain aren't true." He shoved an entire sausage in his mouth and spoke around it. "Don' see the point, ya know?"

"I guess…"

"D'you lie much?"

"Only to my father. My business is none of his." She made a huffing noise. "He can barely take care of himself anyway, I don't need him trying to take care of me too."

Dark blinked. "Oooookay. I guess everyone has their problems." He stabbed another sausage. "So whatcha gonna do about Zelda being crazy?"

Malon shrugged. "I don't know yet. I haven't spoken to her since I read the note. I guess I just don't know what to say… Other then 'Are you _insane_?' Which I'm pretty sure she is." She poked at her own food. "We're all going to die, aren't we?"

"Remember when I said I don't like to lie?"

"Yeah…"

"Well I don't like to depress people either, so I'm just not gonna answer that question."

"Joy."

Dark slapped the table firmly. "I know it seems bleak, but don't give up hope! You took down a Moblin single-handed! I've been beating on monsters for _months_! And now that I know who might be behind all this, I can…well I can find out more, can't I? And if Link really is the destined hero, he'll be brought into all this whether he wants it or not. I know he and Zelda-slash-Sheik already took down a giant plant of some kind." He waggled his finger at Malon. "You mark my words. By this time next week, Link will be bashing monsters with the best of them."

Malon smiled. "And Zelda?"

"Either fighting or kidnapped."

"Well then," she raised her mug of coffee. "Shall we drink on that?"

"Why not?" He picked up his glass. "To Link, the hapless hero."

"And Zelda, the cross-dressing princess."

They clinked glasses, and burst out laughing.

zzz

The sky started turning gray at about five-thirty, but Dark didn't declare it light enough to be safe until six. Malon didn't argue.

"Want me to walk you home?"

"Sure."

She was jumpy and skittish as they walked, though it was only a few blocks. Dark refrained from laughing, but Malon could tell he thought it was funny. When they were about halfway there, he slipped his arm through hers and pulled her close.

"Hey now-"

"Relax," he smiled at her. "No means no, right?"

"Right," she agreed, relieved.

"I _am_ going to flirt with you, because I can't seem to stop myself, but it doesn't mean anything as far as you're concerned. Just pretend I'm gay."

She raised one eyebrow. "You serious?"

"Sure. I like boys, and you're off-limits. So why not?"

Malon laughed. "Okay then, you're Link's gay goth cousin."

"Right!"

"Oh, that reminds me." She sagged against his shoulder and pouted. "Zelda's going to want to go to prom with Link now, I know it."

"Is that bad?"

"Not really, but now I have to-" She stopped. She looked at Dark.

She grinned.

zzz

Link arrived at work on Sunday to find Dark curled up on one of the tables.

"Oy," he poked his shoulder. "Dark? Daaa-aark?"

"Mnfrgle?" Dark said.

"Wake up!"

"Mnn… No."

"Dark, do you even know where you are?"

"Umm…" His eyes fluttered open. "Link? Then… Oh yeah, Cold stone." He closed his eyes again. "Wh'time issit?"

"Eleven-thirty, we open in half an hour."

"Kay… Jus' drag me into the back then."

"Dark, _why_ are you sleeping here?"

"Didn' get home last night. Whoo, I sound drunk huh?"

"Little bit."

"Mngh." He shoved himself upright and sung his legs off the table. "I'm okay, really, I've functioned on less rest then this. I just need to snap out of the sleep-fog." He stretched, back popping unpleasantly. "Your joints do this in the morning too?"

"You _know_ they do."

"Hey Link?"

"What?"

"What would you do if I died?"

"I'd punch you in the face."

Dark smiled a little. "I'm serious."

Link regarded him for a moment, then dropped his eyes to the floor. "I don't know," he admitted softly.

"That's okay. I'll just try to stay alive then."

"You had better!" He put his arm around Dark to support him, and started leading him back behind the counter. "Come on, you get started opening and I'll make a Starbucks run. What do you like?"

"The redheaded barista with the glasses."

Link laughed. "To _drink_."

"Anything that _doesn't_ taste like coffee. Fill it full of cream and caramel syrup."

"Can do. Hey Dark?"

"Mm?"

"Are you wearing a bra?"

zzz

"Morning, Nabs," one of her sisters greeted her. About half a dozen girls were crowded in the kitchen. Making coffee and soup and whatever was appropriate for how long they'd been awake, respectively.

"Hey," Nabooru yawned.

"You're up late. Later then usual I mean."

She grinned. "Let's just say I had a good night."

"Ooooh, do tell."

"Not cradle-robbing again, are you?" a voice asked. Nabooru turned and saw Koume standing in the doorway. She strode past the other girls and commandeered the coffee machine.

"No more then you," Nabooru shot back. "Anyway, I'm pretty sure this guy was older then he looked."

"Pretty sure," Koume sniffed.

"Okay, all due respect to a big sister? But you can't judge me on this! You and Kotake double-teamed a sixteen-year old!"

"We never _double-teamed_ him. We just misled him about how many of us there were."

Nabooru rolled her eyes. "He was a good kid, you know? He didn't deserve to be messed with."

"It was just a bit of fun."

"That's what you said about all the black candles." She shot a glance in the direction of the living room. "You know, I think maybe you should stop messing with that stuff."

Nabooru froze. The other girls looked at each other, then began nonchalantly clearing the room. "You think that, do you?" Koume said lightly.

"Well, yeah. Do you have any idea how many calls I've been getting about giant spiders and plants and monsters walking the streets? Last night this…I mean, one of my fans insisted on walking me home."

"And did you see anything?"

"Yes, a few things. My listeners aren't crazy you know. Not all of them anyway. This guy… let's just say I have reason to believe his information was first-hand."

"Do you now?" Koume put down her cup and smoothed back her hair. "I've avoided talking about this with you up until now, Nabs, because I know where your sympathies lie, but you need to remember what you are."

"A Delta?"

"No." She turned, and her hair burst into flames. "A Gerudo."

zzz

Malon didn't talk to Zelda until Tuesday, and then her first words were, "You're insane, but we can get you the help you need."

Zelda laughed, relieved. "I know what I did was sort of…"

"Insane?"

"Yeah… But I'm not doing it any more, am I?"

"Are you?"

"Well…"

"Zelda!"

"Just to hide from the press!" She flinched back. "I'm not…well, Ralph and Kafei still don't know. But I haven't figured out a good way to tell them."

"Word of advice?" Malon leaned against her locker and smiled wryly. "Don't do it in a note."

"Heh, okay."

zzz

Link arrived home Friday afternoon to find Zelda sprawled out across his couch. He blinked. "Uh, how did you get in here?"

"Aren't you happy to see me?" she grinned.

"Sure, but seriously, the door was locked."

"Magic."

"Oh yeah." She pulled her legs in and Link sat down. "So, um, it's good to see you."

"Yeah…" she shoved herself half-upright. "Link, are you okay?"

"Yeah. I've just been feeling weird lately." He took Zelda's feet and pulled them onto his lap. "Something's been niggling at me for a long time now. Since about the time I met you, er, Sheik."

"Niggling?" Zelda repeated, smirking.

"I'm a dork, we've established that."

She laughed. "True. But I like ya anyway."

"Hmm."

Zelda frowned at him. "Hey," she poked him in the stomach with her toe. "You wanna do something? Go somewhere?"

Link snorted. "We can't, remember? You don't want to be seen with me."

"Hey! That's not it at all! I just don't want the press following you too."

"They won't," Link rolled his eyes. "Nobody cares about me."

"I do."

He snorted again. "Right. Which is why you lied to me for three months."

"Link!" She swung her legs off the couch and sat up completely. "How can you _say_ that? You _know_ I care about you! You know I'm sorry about that!"

"You still _did_ it."

"I didn't mean for it to happen!"

"You said you liked me before, and you _knew_ I liked you. You could have said something, anything. You could have just never called me! Hell, you spoke to me first in that bar! Remember? I do…"

"I…I…" she bit her lip. "I know it was stupid, but I just wanted to talk to you, spend some time with you. Where you wouldn't be intimidated by who I am."

"So instead you decided to screw with my head. Great choice, _princess_."

Zelda stood up and glared down at him. "Do _not_ call me princess. And do not patronize me. I know I made a mistake, lots of them. But can't we just move past all that?"

"Don't you think I want to?" Link lurched to his feet. "Don't you think I want to just be happy with you? But I'm not! I can't- I don't know- Every time I think about Sheik… He was my best friend Zelda, I've never cared about anyone as much as I did about him. And now I find out he wasn't real! What do you expect me to do?"

"But he _was_ real Link, he was me! Just think of it as…Sheik was a mask I wore. I was still myself, I just _looked_ different."

"And that bothers me too! The way you looked back then, I- I don't-" He grabbed at his hair with both hands and pulled. "I can't think! I can't figure this out! I- I'm panicky, scared. It's like there's this wall in my mind that I can't break through! And I'm not sure if I _want_ to!"

Zelda put her hand tentatively on his shoulder. "Can't we work through whatever it is together? I…I love you Link."

"Well I'm not sure if I love you," Link said softly.

The words seemed to echo through the small house.

It was a lie and they both knew it, but it was the kind of lie that can't be unsaid. Zelda pulled her hand back from his shoulder, clutching it to her chest as if it hurt. She nodded slowly, stepping back.

"Okay," she said, voice already thick with tears. "If that's really the way you feel… I'll- I'll just go."

She headed for the back door, leaving Link, immobile, in the middle of the living room. She glanced back, once.

"Goodbye Link."

He still didn't move.

It was a full five minutes after he heard the back door close that Link sunk back down on to the couch and buried his face in his hands.

He didn't sleep at all that night. Sure, he made an effort, but after five hours of lying in bed and staring at the ceiling, he accepted the fact that it wasn't coming. So he curled up on the couch and watched late-night movies until the sun rose, at which point he started watching early-morning talk shows.

Some part of him knew he was being stupid, knew that going catatonic like this wasn't solving anything, but he couldn't seem to snap out of it. At one point someone on the television mentioned it was ten-thirty, and Link found himself on his feet and walking upstairs without even thinking.

He was dressed and ready for work even faster than normal, and still had more time then he wanted to sit around. His eyes drifted toward the phone…

No.

But there _was_ someone who deserved to be brought up to date.

He picked up the receiver and dialed from memory. After a couple of rings a small voice said, "Hello?"

"Hey, Tido. It's Link."

"Hi Link! How are you?"

"Eh…not so great. Is Saria there?"

"Yeah, she's right here. Hold on."

There was some whispering and shuffling, then a new voice. "Hi Link. Are you okay?"

"No. Not at all. Can you clear the room?"

"Sure. Oy!" she shouted away from the phone. "Everybody out!"

A couple of people shouted back, but apparently they left, because Saria put the phone back to her mouth after only a moment. "Okay. What's the problem?"

"Well…you remember my friend Sheik?"

It took nearly twenty minutes to tell the whole story. It was simpler then it had seemed at the time, but Link's fumbling and confused attempts to explain his feelings during all of it took up a lot of time. When he finally got to the end, Link extracted a promise from her not to tell anyone, then waited.

"Okay, wow," Saria said. "First of all? Bad Link, _bad_. Zelda didn't deserve that. You've done some crazy shit yourself you know."

"I know, and I regret it, but I still can't figure out _why_ I did it."

"I think…I think I might have an idea. I've sort of wondered about this for a while now…since your freshman year and that TA you had in History."

"What? He was cool. What about him?"

"Yeah, cool… Link, I want you to do something for me. It'll seem weird, but just do it, okay?"

"What is it?"

"I'm going to list off celebrities, and you tell me which one you'd rather sleep with."

"Saria!"

"_Trust_ me, okay? And don't think before you answer, just say the first person that pops into your head."

"This is really weird…"

"I said it would be. Are you ready?"

Link sighed and leaned against the arm of the couch. "All right. Shoot."

"Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt?"

"Angeline Jolie, duh. Why would I want to-"

"No color commentary, just names."

"Fine, fine."

"Cameron Diaz or Justin Timberlake?"

"Cameron Diaz."

"Jennifer Lopez or Ben Affleck?"

"Jennifer Lopez."

"Posh Spice or David Beckham?"

"Posh Spice."

"Halle Barry or Pierce Brosnan?"

"Halle Barry."

"Tom Cruise or Katie Holmes?"

"Katie Holmes."

"Demi Moore or Ashton Kutcher?"

"Ashton Kutch-" Link froze. His heart was suddenly hammering against his ribcage, and he seemed to have forgotten how to breathe. He could still hear his own voice, saying that name. One moment, one and a half words, three syllables, and his life was ruined.

"Ahh," he heard Saria say, but it seemed distant. "And there we have it. I'm sorry I had to break it to you like that, but it was the only way I could think of doing it that you wouldn't be able to fight against. And to be fair, Demi Moore is _awfully_ old. And Ashton is hot! It makes sense for you to pick him over her, even if you are only a little bit bi. Truth is though, Link, I'd say you're pretty close to fifty-fifty. You may not have realized it, but it was pretty obvious to everyone else that you were falling for Sheik. Not to mention your _enormous_ crush on that History TA. 'He was cool.' Pfft."

Link pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it, disbelieving. This…wasn't happened. This wasn't true. He wasn't- He couldn't be-

Could he?

"It's not a big deal you know," Saria said. Her voice was faint, but he could still hear it. "Being bisexual sounds like a pretty good deal to me. You don't have to limit yourself to just one gender. I'm pretty sure that I only like guys so far, but I plan on doing my share of experimenting in college. Don't want to miss out on anything by being close-minded, you know? And look at it this way, you still like girls! You're not gay, just bi. And, yes, you will probably face your share of prejudice, but I know your friends will be okay with it. They were friends with Sheik when they thought he was gay, right? So…really, it's okay Link. Link? Are you still there?"

Link placed the phone carefully back in the cradle, staring at it as though afraid it would bite. It started ringing just a few seconds after he hung it up, but he made no move to pick it up. He found himself counting the rings, as something to do instead of think. It didn't stop until twenty-three.

When it stopped, he turned his head slowly and looked back at the TV. A perkily smiling news anchor was just introducing the perkily smiling weatherman. He was hotter then she was, Link heard a small voice in his mind state.

He was too. Even if his teeth were artificially white and his tan was obviously fake.

The wall in Link's mind had dissolved, but all those thoughts he'd been holding back hadn't crashed down. Instead they slid smoothly to where they belonged. Suddenly, everything clicked into place. His feelings for Sheik, that History TA, why he liked Pirates of the Carribean so much.

And even if it wasn't a crash, even if he had, in a way, known it all along, that didn't mean he wasn't scared out of his godsdamn mind.

He looked, still detached, at his shaking hands, and felt a laugh bubbling up inside him. Oh good, hysteria, that was _just_ what he needed right now.

"-the time is now eleven-fifteen, and it's a beautiful Saturday morning here in Ordon City. We-"

Link turned off the TV. Eleven-fifteen. It took fifteen to twenty minutes to walk to Cold Stone, and Dark almost always got there before him.

Dark. Link's mind fixated on that thought. Dark cared about him, even said he loved him. And Dark was, technically, bisexual. Dark would know what to do.

Link grabbed his wallet and his keys, locking up automatically as he went out.

Dark would know what to do. He _had_ to.

Because if he didn't, Link was going to break down and cry.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

I am seriously tempted to laugh maniacally here. Writing the beginnings of a nervous breakdown is just so much _fun_. Not to mention the whole Link-is-bi thing. That's right, I said it, it's canon, Link is bi.

Mwahahahahahahaha!

Oh come on, you can't say you didn't see this coming. Link's been at _least_ a one on the Kinsey scale (look it up) in just about every story I've written. He just knows about it this time, is all.

This chapter and the next one are a bit of a cathartic experience for me. See, when I first realized I was bi I went through basically the same thing Link is going through now. Complete unadulterated PANIC. Pretty much everyone does this when they first realize they aren't the sexual norm. Be it gay, bi, trans, whatever. You still wind up shaking and terrified and feeling alone. You don't know what to do, who to tell, if you can tell _anyone_. And when you _do_ tell people you automatically think they're going to react in the worst possible way. As of today, my mom is still the only one in my family that knows I'm bi (okay, I think my brother knows too, but I haven't officially _told_ him. He's just smart). So if the limited-first-person-Link parts seem a little incoherent, it's on purpose.

Another thing to note for this chapter. Dark is marked for death. I know, it's sad, but it's true. He was sent to Hyrule to fight Link. You don't think Ganondorf is going to let him get away without doing it, do you? I won't say whether Dark is actually going to die, but he's marked for it.

Oh, and I probably owe you an apology for the choppy bits at the beginning, but I needed to touch on one or two things before moving on. I also skipped over an entire week of school. Probably bad but I don't think anything important happened.

As of the end of this chapter, we are embarking on what will probably be the longest day, chapter-wise, in the whole story. A LOT of stuff is goiong to happen. A lot of questions will be answered, and even more raised, and I'd like to thank you in advance for putting up with it. It's not the beginning of the end (you should be able to tell by now when the climax is going to happen) but it IS kind of like the mini-boss for the whole fic. Sort of. Ah, you know what I mean.

Man, long note.


	12. Technological Marvels!

**12. Technological Marvels from the Animal Kingdom!**

The radio was blaring once again as Link walked through the door of the ice cream parlor. Dark wasn't doing air guitar this time, thankfully, but he was bobbing his head in time to the music as he refilled napkin dispensers.

"Why did I have to miss the 80's?" he asked over his shoulder. "I think I would have liked it. All the good music seems to have come from then anyway."

"Yeah, but the fashion sucked," Link said with a little smile. "You'd look pretty silly with foot-high hair. Well, I would."

"Ah, but that was in style in the 80's. No one would think you looked silly. No one who mattered anyway." He finally put the dispenser back on the table and turned to face Link. "Woah. You look like shit. Did you get any sleep last night?"

"No, not really. I, um." He held his hands out, still shaking, and shrugged helplessly. "I think I need your help."

"Yeah, yeah, okay." Dark put his arm around Link to lead him into the back, and Link found himself leaning into it.

"I'm a moron," he said. "A complete and utter _moron_."

"I'll reserve judgment of that after you tell me what's going on." He grinned cheerfully. "And I'm sure, whatever it is, we can fix it."

Link laughed weakly. "No…I think this is one of those things that can't be 'fixed.'"

"Ooookay… Well we can make it better at least, right?"

"One part, maybe."

Dark directed him to a chair in the back room, and pulled another from the corner for himself. Link grabbed his apron from the hook automatically, but clutched it in his hands instead of putting it on.

"All right," Dark said. "Talk."

Link took a deep shuddering breath and let it out slowly before he began. It didn't help. "I guess the first thing you should know is…I've been going out with Zelda. Well, sort of going out. We mostly just hang out together and we had sex once, but I- I love her, ya know?"

"Right on," Dark said.

"You…don't seem surprised."

"Well, I knew you liked her."

"Right, okay, um. But the thing is…yesterday we- we got in a fight. Sort of a fight. It was really just me being a jerk because I couldn't deal with some stuff." He laughed a little, wryly. "Some stuff I'm _still_ not dealing with. But I said some things… Some really bad things. Things that weren't true. Things I shouldn't have said. And I don't know… I mean, what can I _say_? How can I possibly…"

"What did you say?"

"I- I told her I didn't know if I loved her."

Dark slapped him across the face.

Link blinked, stunned. "Ow," he said after a moment.

"You fucking moron!" Dark barked.

"_Ow_," Link repeated, then added, "You _slapped_ me."

"And I'll do it again if you don't shut up."

Link snapped his mouth shut.

"Now you listen and listen good. When you love someone, you're supposed to want to make them _happy_. You don't tell them you don't know if you love them. You just _don't_! First because it's not true, and second because it would hurt them! That's just _stupid_!"

"I- I know, but I wasn't thinking. At all. I haven't been thinking for _weeks_, ever since I found out about…" He bit his lip. "I think I just wanted to push her away, because she made me question things that I didn't want to question."

"Sometimes it's good to question things, especially things about ourselves. If I went around not asking questions, one of us would be dead by now. And besides," he shoved a finger in Link's face, "you're probably the only person around who _hasn't_ questioned your sexuality."

Link goggled. "But- How did you-"

"What did I _just_ say?" He grabbed the apron out of Link's hands. "Give me that. No work for you today."

"What?" Link said, surprising himself by forming a whole word.

"You are going to go and make up with your girlfriend. Go to her house, play Peter Gabriel, whatever it takes. Apologize for what you did, and tell her why you did it."

"But…why did I do it?"

"Because you're a fucking moron!" He grabbed the shoulder of Link's shirt and yanked him to his feet. "Come on, out the door."

"But- but what about Navi?"

"What _about_ Navi? She trusts us. I'll be fine one day by myself, and she doesn't need to know."

"But-"

"Why are you still here?"

Link tried to think of a good answer for that, but Dark took advantage of his hesitation and shoved him out the door, closing it firmly and glaring through the glass until Link started walking.

He didn't look back, but Link could feel Dark's eyes on him until he turned a corner a block away and was out of sight. It wasn't the help he'd been expecting, but Dark was probably right. Zelda didn't deserve to be miserable, so he should make up to her as soon as possible.

Of course, the gated community she lived in was more than halfway across town, which gave Link a lot of time to think. More than he wanted, but less than he needed. He got lost, once or twice. He knew vaguely where he was going, but things looked different on foot. For a while he tried to guess how many miles it was, but math had never been his strong suit. All he knew was that it took nearly two hours, and he was tired and sweaty and _still_ had no idea what he was going to say when he got there.

The wall that Zelda (or Sheik) usually climbed over was in a far corner, and, due to the slope of the land, shorter then any other section of wall. Link considered actually going to the gate and asking to be let in, but decided it would be worse if they sent a message to Zelda and she told them no.

Her house wasn't hard to find. Only a couple blocks from Link's entrance point, it was the only one with a white van parked across the street and people in dark suits standing beside the door. Along with all that, Link recognized the window with a little porch under it from the tabloids.

There wasn't anything for it. He turned up the walkway and went straight to the front door.

The people in dark suits moved in before he took one step onto the porch.

"Can we help you?" the beefier one said.

"I'm here to see Zelda. I'm…a friend, sort of. My name is Link." He was surprised by how steady his voice sounded.

"Is she expecting you?" the man asked.

"No. Well, maybe. I'm here to apologize."

The two men exchanged a glance, then the one who hadn't spoken turned away and muttered into his collar.

"High tech," Link commented, before he could stop himself.

"It makes our job easier," the beefy guy said. He had relaxed somewhat now, apparently not seeing Link as a threat. "You know, normally the guard at the gate radios ahead."

"Ah. Well. About that…"

"She'll talk to him," the slimmer man said, turning back to him. "She wants us out of the way."

"Right." They stepped around Link and split up, each going to an opposite corner of the house, leaving him alone.

Link gulped and stepped up to the door. It opened before he could knock.

Zelda glared at him from the doorway. Her eyes were red-rimmed and her hair was still shower-damp. She wasn't wearing any makeup, and she had on the same clothes as yesterday.

Link took a moment to be proud of the fact that he found her just as beautiful this was as he did when she was put together, but then she opened her mouth.

"Well?" she snapped.

His mind went blank. He knew what he wanted to say, but he didn't know how to say it. And he certainly didn't want to say it here, in the open, where the nice men with the radios could probably still hear every word.

"Can- can I come in?"

"No." She leaned against the doorframe. "You said you were here to apologize. You'd better have a damn good explanation."

"I do. I mean, I think I do. I mean, it seems good to me, but that's because I'm so abso-fucking-lutely terrified that I…I mean I can't…I mean." He took a deep breath. "This…this is hard. I don't know how to explain it really, because it's still so weird to me, and I'm so _scared_. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life. Maybe when that giant plant in the park grabbed you, but not when it grabbed me."

Now that he'd started, Link didn't seem to be able to stop. The words flowed out of his mouth, tumbling over themselves, not even bothering to pause for thought. "I keep- I keep imagining the worst possible reactions form everyone. Kafei, for sure, and Ralph. I know, I _know_, that they're my friends and it won't matter to them, but I still can't help thinking… I mean they're all I've got, you know? Especially if you don't forgive me because, hell why _would_ you? _I_ wouldn't forgive me. But…"

He gestured helplessly, eyes focused on the hollow of Zelda's throat, unable to look her in the eyes. "I haven't been thinking! I think about it now and it's like, _gods_ why didn't I _notice_? I knew, some part of me always knew. I mean, Orlando Bloom… And even before him! Leonardo DiCaprio! I was fourteen and I must have seen Titanic, what nine times? And I told people it was just the special effects and that girl. But I don't even remember the girl's _name_, and my favorite scene was always Jack in that tux. And I just ignored it! I knew, but it didn't connect. It's like there was this wall that I could see through but couldn't break. And then Sheik… Why didn't I see it? Everyone else saw it. Hell, even _Saria_ saw it and she's thirteen!

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I said. It wasn't true, I do love you. Zelda I love you more then anything. But I fell in love with you while I thought you were a guy. I could try to tell myself that I sensed somehow that you were really a girl, but it's not true. _Every single part of me_ believed that Sheik was a guy, and I fell for him. And I keep trying to remind myself that it's not a big deal, that I like girls just as much as I like guys, a little more even, I think. But the fact remains that I _do_ like guys. I'm bisexual. And I don't know what to do!" He looked at Zelda finally, eyes brimming with tears. "Oh gods, Zel, I just don't know what to do!"

She moved forward just in time to catch him as his knees gave out. "Link," she murmured. "It's okay, baby, It's gonna be okay."

Link wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay, baby." She pulled him upright and looped her arm under his shoulders. "Come on, let's go inside."

"Kay…"

She led him through the door and toward a staircase at the back of the room. Some distant part of Link reminded him that this was his first time in Zelda's house, and he should at least look around, but every other part was too busy trying to keep him from completely breaking down to pay attention.

"Your highness?"

"Oh, Impa." Zelda stopped, and Link raised his head enough to see a tall muscular Sheikah woman coming out of what looked like the kitchen.

"Is this him?" she said, nodding at Link. She looked like she wanted to be mad, or at least curt, but was having trouble.

"This is Link, yeah," Zelda said. "We're going up to my room. We, uh, probably won't be down for a while."

She frowned a bit, but nodded. "It's none of my business but…what happened?"

Zelda glanced at Link. "Is it okay?" He nodded, little more than a listless bob of the head, and she turned back to Impa. "Link just realized he's bi."

Impa blinked, taken aback. "Oh. My. Well. Do you want me to make some tea?"

Zelda smiled gratefully. "That would be great, thanks. Heavy cream and light sugar for Link, if you don't mind."

"Of course not. Just one thing though?" She leaned down and tilted Link's head up, looking him in the eyes. "It is _okay_. You are who you are, and there's _nothing_ wrong with that."

And with that she went back into the kitchen and pulled down a kettle.

"Oh," Link said, blinking. "Um."

"That was Impa," Zelda said, with a little grin. "She's been taking care of me since I was little. She's really smart."

"Okay," Link said, still slightly in shock.

"My room is upstairs, come on."

"Okay."

The trip upstairs was more difficult than it should have been, since Link appeared to have lost most of the use of his legs. Zelda didn't say a word about it, murmuring meaningless things like "It's okay" and "I'm right here." It helped, somehow.

Her room was huge, at least twice the size of Link's, but surprisingly normal beside that. Pictures of her friends and an Indi-go-gos poster graced the wall next to her bed, and there were piles of clothes at strategic points across the floor. Under different circumstances, Link would have made a joke, but he was still trying to figure out if he wanted to cry or scream. So far crying was in the lead, possibly with a side order of curling up in a fetal position and repeating the Bene Gesserit litany.

Zelda sat him on her bed, trying futilely to smooth out the quilt on top. "Just take it easy, Link," she said. "It's okay."

"_How_ is it okay?" Link heard himself say. "How is anything _ever_ going to be okay _ever_ again?" The fog was starting to clear and the fear was back, sharp and cold.

"Well, in a way, nothing's different. I mean, you've always been this way. But at least now you _know_, you're not in denial."

"But it was better before! Sure I was confused and depressed, but at least I wasn't so _scared_."

Zelda blinked. "You were depressed?"

"_Gods_, yes." He was waving his hands awkwardly. "I always knew something was different about me, keeping me apart from other people, but I thought it was just that I don't have a family. And don't get me wrong, I'm still depressed about that, but now I know it was more then that. It has a _name_ now."

"That's better, isn't it?"

Link grinned wryly. "You'd think that, wouldn't you?"

"You know it won't matter to anyone who really cares about you." She shrugged. "It doesn't matter to me. Hell, I kind of expected this."

"Because I fell in love with Sheik?"

"Because you fell in love with Sheik, yes." She kicked her feet, like a little girl. "I guess I should apologize for that again. But…maybe it's a good thing? If I hadn't masqueraded as Sheik…"

"If you hadn't masqueraded as Sheik, I would still be straight," Link snapped. He clapped his hand over his mouth, then ran it up into his hair. "No, no, dammit that's not true. I've always been bi, and I would have realized it eventually no matter what you did. What anyone did. I'm sorry. I keep trying to blame someone when it's no one's fault."

Zelda put her arm around him and pulled his head down to rest on her shoulder. "That's natural. You're scared, you want to run…metaphorically."

"You sound like you've done this before."

"Weeeeell…" she shrugged one shoulder. "You're not the first person to come out to me."

Link snorted. "You've got to be kidding me."

"You remember that gay bar I used to hang out in? At least once a week somebody would wind up in a dark corner in tears because they were scared of what they were. I've got this annoying maternal instinct that makes me want to make crying people stop crying, so I wound up talking a lot of them down."

"And…what did you tell them? What- what do I do?"

"You don't have to do _anything_, Link. That's the most important part right now. You don't have to do a single thing until you're ready."

"I…I don't?"

"Nope. Just take your time, get used to the idea. No sense expecting other people to be okay with you if you aren't."

"That makes sense… But…"

"You're still scared, I know." She rubbed his back. "That's _fine_. And to be perfectly honest, you're probably not going to stop being scared for a long time. Every time you tell someone, there's a risk that they'll react badly. Even if you know them well, even if they're your friend, you just never know. But you have to trust your judgment and be prepared to smack them up some if they do turn out to be a jerk."

Link wrapped his arms around her waist and buried his face in her neck once more. He could feel the tears burning behind his eyelids, and his throat was tight. "You…you still… I mean, you don't care, right?"

"Sweetheart, I _said_ I don't care. I really don't. I love you for who you are, and this is a part of it."

"But…you're not disappointed? I mean, I like guys."

"But you like girls _too_. Besides, I would be a guy for you."

Link sniffled, and managed a smile. "Can you do that? With magic?"

"There's no permanent magical gender-swapping spell, much as some people would like one. I was talking about surgery."

Link almost laughed at that. "You'd really get testosterone injections and chest surgery and all that…for me?"

"I really would."

That did it. A sob escaped from Link's throat and suddenly he was clutching at Zelda's shirt, bawling his eyes out.

Growing up, moving from house to house, Link had learned to hold back the tears. Pretend everything was all right when it wasn't, get up and do what he was told, even he was "told" with a fist. They could hear him at night, he'd learned that quickly, so there was never a time when he could let go. By the time he reached high school, this was so deeply ingrained in him that he didn't think he could cry if he tried.

He was wrong.

Things got fuzzy after that. He thought he heard Impa at the door at one point, and Zelda talking to her, but she didn't come in and Zelda didn't move. Eventually he got lightheaded, and then he couldn't remember any more. Passed out or fell asleep, it was all the same to him at that point.

He woke to soft light and the smell of Zelda's shampoo. It took a minute to remember where he was, and then his stomach sank as he remembered the rest of the day.

He sat up and groaned. The light didn't seem so soft now, and that pounding in his head wasn't helping.

"Oh, you're awake!" Zelda was sitting at her desk across the room, reading a familiar black-and-white magazine. "Are you okay?"

"Headache," he said. "And my eyes feel like they've been sanded. But I think I'm okay, you know, with stuff. Not completely okay, but I won't be breaking down again. Probably." He paused. "I appear to still be rambling, but at least I can recognize it now."

Zelda laughed. "That's some improvement." She put the magazine down and came across the room. She'd cleaned up and changed, and Link couldn't help but feel grubby beside her.

"I love you," he blurted out. "Did I say that yet?"

"Yes." Zelda sat down beside him on the bed and kissed his temple. "But it's always nice to hear. I love you too."

"Dark said I was a fucking moron. He said to tell you that too."

"Dark's very observant. But I'm one too, so I think we match."

"I don't, um," he gestured vaguely with one hand. "I don't think I deserve you."

"Well it's up to me to decide that, isn't it." There was no question in it.

"I guess but, I- I want you to be happy. And I can't promise I won't do any other dumbass stuff and make you cry. 'Cause I'm pretty sure I'm just a dumbass."

"Again, so am I. Besides, you'll grow out of it. I like to think we both will."

"Here's hoping."

"Hey," she patted his knee. "You want me to go get some tea? There should still be a pot from when Impa made it, but I'll have to heat it up."

"Sure, uh, what time is it?"

"Almost five."

"Five?" He looked around wildly. "You're kidding me! I've been asleep for- for- hell, I can't do math right now, a long time!"

Zelda laughed again. "It's no big deal. You didn't sleep last night, did you?"

"Well, no… Have you been here this whole time?"

"Actually, I was asleep beside you until about an hour ago. I had insomnia too."

"Oh…sorry about that."

She shrugged. "It's over, we've made up. All that's left is the make-up sex." She stopped. "I mean, if you want to…"

"Zelda, I'm a seventeen year old guy."

She snickered. "Right, silly me. I'll be right back. Heavy cream, light sugar, right?"

He blinked. "What?"

"In your _tea_."

"I know. I mean, I know! Geez, I didn't mean…" He pointed an accusatory finger. "You're teasing me."

"Sorry," she grinned. "You're just so _cute_ when you're flustered."

"What I _meant_, was how do you know what I like in my tea?"

"Ralph told me."

"Oh… How does _Ralph_ know?"

She stopped. "You know, I don't know. He seems to know a lot of little things like that."

"I've noticed that too." He ruffled his hair. "Huh."

"I'll be right back, okay?"

"Okay."

Link pulled his knees up to his chest and stared around him. His eyes focused on the poster next to the bed.

"Hey Mikau," he said. "You're moving up in the world, huh? I guess I am too, in a way. I just slept in Princess Zelda's bed." He stared at his toes, noticing for the first time that someone had taken his shoes off. "I got your album. It's good stuff. Me and the guys are real proud of you. The whole school is. That's probably why Zelda has your poster." He picked at a fuzzball on the quilt. "Did you ever notice anything about me? Do you think anyone else did? Now that I think about it, some things…"

He froze.

"Kafei," he growled. "That _bastard_."

Zelda chose that moment to reappear with two mugs. "Something wrong?" she asked, handing him one.

"Kafei!" he repeated. "That bastard!"

"Wherefore?"

"Don't you remember? When he set me up with Cremia?" He clenched his hands around the mug. "He kept saying it was 'important' that I go out with a girl. He knew. He knew! And he was trying to _fix_ me. That _bastard_!"

"Are you sure?" She sat down and put her mug on the dresser. "I don't think that's what he wanted."

"Why else would he do it? He's _always_ been uncomfortable with stuff like this. He doesn't mind if someone's gay, but he just hates it when things _change_. It's like he wants life to be one of those teen movies, where everyone parties on the weekends and the smart girl's always hot and everyone finds true love in the end."

"At least that last one seems to be coming true."

"Yeah, well, except for Ralph."

"Pfft. We all know Ralph's gonna fall head over heels in love on of these days. And then we're all gonna make fun of him for at least a week straight."

Link stared at her for a moment. "Gods, I love you."

She laughed. "I love you too. And I'm counting on that to keep you from hitting me."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…I think the real reason Kafei set you up on that date was to remind _me_ that you were straight. Sheik that is."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because I maybe kind of told him that I loved you."

"What?"

"And I might have confused him for you and kind of…kissed him."

"_WHAT_?"

zzz

"Hey, sis?"

Koume looked up from her red chalk drawing on the floor. "Hm?"

"I've been thinking, about something Nabs said."

She stood up and dusted her hands off, leaving pink powder on her jeans. "You're not thinking of quitting are you? We've gone too far to go back now."

"No, no, nothing like that," she laughed. "I'm as dedicated to bringing back the king as you are, you know that. I was just thing about…well…that guy we dated."

"Oh yeah, the minor. What about him?"

"Do you remember what attracted us to him?"

She shrugged. "He was hot."

"So are lots of guys. Why him? He was practically a _kid_."

"Hey, he was sixteen. Physically an adult. _You_ remember."

"Oh, sure. But think about it, Koume, really _think_." She fingered one of the black candles. "There was something about him that reminded me of…of what we're trying to do here."

"He was hardly anything like _Ganondorf_."

"No, no, I was thinking just the opposite in fact."

"The opposite of…" her eyes widened. "You don't think- No way!"

"Well I hope not, but it's possible. You remember when we first contacted Ganondorf, a few months ago? He said he was sending a shadow to deal with someone who might cause trouble later. We thought he meant the princess, but since nothing's happened to her, maybe it was the other."

"But the shadow betrayed him, he said so. He said he would deal with him personally."

"Him, Koume." Kotake put the candle down, firmly. "You know how shadows work. They take the form of their target. And Ganondorf said _him_."

"But you don't _really_ think our old statutory-rape victim could be the destined hero, do you? That's just too bizarre. Almost contrived!"

"I don't want it to be true, but the more I think about it the more it makes sense. He's about the same age as the princess you know. They might go to the same school."

Koume gulped. "If he really is the hero, and if the princess finds out…"

"Which she will."

"Well. Crap."

"I don't know for _sure_, though. I just think we should prepare for the possibility."

"I'll admit, this makes it seem more…real." She tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "I don't know, Kotake. Do you think you could kill someone you slept with?"

"To revive the king? No question."

Her sister grinned. "We're in agreement then."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Okay! Link has stablized, he and Zelda have made up, a few questions have been answered, and a few more raised. Next chapter...ACTION!

Oh, and if you know what the Bene Gesserit litany is, you're cool. If you have ever actually found yourself repeating it in times of stress, you're a nerd. Kudos!


	13. Literal Hell Night!

**Chapter 13. Literal Hell Night!**

There was barely a sliver of the sun visible on the horizon, and that was disappearing fast. Link forced his eyes down, to much closer scenery, and nervously surveyed Zelda's backyard.

"This is a terrible idea."

Zelda stepped up behind him. "Come on, I do it like once a week."

"But there're guards! And, we're like, on the second floor!"

"I repeat, once a week."

"And…they really don't notice it?"

"Nope."

"But these guys are trained, um, guys. How do you sneak past them?"

"Easy. Come here."

"Umm…" He moved closer to her. "Like this?"

"Put your arms around my waist."

He did.

"Now hold on tight."

There was a swirl of wind and a green glow, then Link felt his feet lifted off the ground. He bit back a yelp and squeezed Zelda's middle, then the scenery blurred and suddenly they were standing by the wall.

Link stumbled backward, almost bringing both of them to the ground. "Woah!" he heard himself exclaim. "What was that?"

"Farore's Wind," Zelda said with a slightly smug grin. "Pre-set teleport spell."

"Cool," was all Link could think of to say.

"It can be." She started for the wall, then stopped. "Umm…listen Link. I know this might be hard for you but, um, well…"

"You want to turn into Sheik?"

"I won't if you're not comfortable with it!" she said quickly. "I just, you know, don't want attention…"

Link smiled. "Sucks being famous, don't it?"

"A bit," she smiled back, a bit sheepishly. "But you know, I don't think I'd trade it. It just comes with the territory. This is who I am."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way," he grinned.

"So you don't mind then?"

"As long as you don't want to fool around while you look like Sheik. That's…still too much for me to handle."

"Of course not."

She raised her hand, there was a flash of light, and Sheik stood in her place.

Link cocked his head. "So do I think of you as he or she now?"

"Oh. Huh." Sheik shrugged. "I guess I never thought of it. Go with he, for conveniences' sake."

"Roger that. Shall we?"

"Let's."

Sheik took a running start and scrambled halfway up to grab the top and swing his leg over. Link looked up at him, then got all the way up with one hop.

"Show off."

They both hit the grass on the other side and took off at a quick pace. It wasn't that they were in a hurry, just that both had a healthy fear of Impa. The woman looked like she ate nails for breakfast.

"We just going to my place?" Link asked. "'Cause that's gonna take a while. I don't know how many miles it is but it took me like three hours to get here from Cold Stone."

"Hmm…" Sheik frowned at the sky. "It'll be dark by then."

"Very. The days are getting longer, but twilight still doesn't last very long."

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter. It's getting warmer too."

"Yeah, that's good. I hate my coat."

"If this keeps up we'll be able to put all our winter clothes in storage by next week."

"I already got rid of most of mine. It doesn't fit anyway."

They walked in silence for a moment.

"So, uh, this is awkward," Link said.

Sheik laughed sheepishly. "Yeah… I'm-"

"If you say 'I'm sorry,' I will punch you in the face."

Sheik smirked. "Wouldn't hit a girl, would you?"

"Consider it a gesture of affection. Took me almost two years to be comfortable enough with Kafei to sock him."

Sheik laughed. "Guys are so weird."

"Bah, you like us."

"I really do."

And just like that, things were back to normal. They talked about friends, school, TV; the usual stuff. And even though there were subjects that they avoided, like gender issues and celebrity gossip, the miles passed quickly and pleasantly.

"Oh, I noticed that Indi-Go-Gos poster in you room."

"Oh yeah?" Sheik grinned. "They're really good. Sort of…alterna-pop."

"I think Mikau would take offense to that."

"Oh, that's right! He was part of your little gang! What happened there?"

"Nothing _happened_ really. The four of us were sort of…friends out of convenience. I mean, I wouldn't trade them for anything, but in the beginning we only hung out together because no one else would hang out with us."

"I don't remember any of you _ever_ being unpopular."

"Kafei's sort of high-strung, you may have noticed."

"A bit." Sheik rolled his eyes.

"I was a loner back then, I didn't trust anyone. Mikau was one of the only Zora kids in school, and certainly the only one so obsessed with music. And Ralph… I don't really get Ralph."

"What's to get? He's pretty straightforward. He hangs out with you and Kafei because he likes you."

"That could be it." Link shrugged. "Anyway, like I was saying, it wasn't that anything happened. Mikau finally found some other people who shared his interests, they formed a band, started playing in clubs, and suddenly, BAM. Record deal and he's famous."

"Not _that_ famous. Not yet. But he will be." Sheik grinned again. "It's just so cool thinking I went to school with someone who's going to be famous."

Link stared at him pointedly. "Sheik…are you forgetting your alter-ego?"

Sheik laughed nervously. "I know, I know, but it's not like I'm famous on my own merit. I was _born_ famous. I haven't done a damn thing to make me worthy of this attention, except be the daughter of the king."

"Hey, you're plenty worthy! You're smart, and funny, and beautiful, and you can do magic, and, um, that's all really trite but it's _true_!"

"Trite, yes." Sheik smiled softly. "But don't stop talking."

"Actually," Link said suddenly, ears perking up, "there's something I've been wanting to ask you for a while now. The other you."

"Oh? What?"

"Well, uh, this is just out of curiosity mind, but…how does the, um, succession work? Like, if you're married when your father retires, would your husband become king?"

Sheik smirked. "Just out of curiosity?"

"Just out of curiosity."

"Well, to satisfy your curiosity, it sort of depends on how my father ends his reign. If he were to die unexpectedly right now, I would automatically become queen, because I'm next in line for the throne. If I were married and he died, then yes, my husband would become king. But he could easily turn the crown over to me."

"Good to know."

"Just curiosity?"

"You're not going to get me to admit otherwise."

"Maybe not, but I can still try."

"So what if your dad just retires, like your grandfather?"

"That's much simpler, since he'd just hand the crown directly to me. No muss, no fuss."

"And…that's what you want? To be queen?"

"It's what I was raised for." Sheik shrugged. "I'm not saying I like having my whole life planned out for me, but it's nice knowing I can impose my opinions on the country someday, and there's not a damn thing anyone can do abut it."

Link laughed.

"You want to know my secret plan?"

"Sure."

"After I've been queen for, oh, a long time, thirty or forty years, when I've only got a few more years left before I pass the buck to my own children, I'm just going to go _nuts_."

"How nuts?"

"I'm going to make all the laws that my father isn't going to make, because he's afraid of public outcry. You know, legalize gay marriage, legalize pot, tear up the city planning guidelines."

Link blinked at that last one. "City planning?"

"I want to kill suburbs. All suburbs. And neighborhoods like mine."

"The gated community?"

"Yes! That's a terrible setup. McMansions as far as the eye can see, one center street so traffic gets funneled, cul-de-sacs branching off everywhere, no sidewalks, shallow gutters, no parks or stores. It's zoning at its worst."

"I…I guess I've never thought about that kind of thing."

"Now your neighborhood," Sheik jabbed Link in the arm. "Your neighborhood is great. Within walking distance of the park _and_ downtown. A little grocery barely two blocks away. You could even walk to school, though it would take a while."

"I do, sometimes, when Kafei is being bitchy."

"That's what's nice about this city. It's _old_. It was built up, over decades and centuries, from a little farm community. I just wish other cities could be like Ordon."

Sheik shook his head, glaring at the thin strip of pavement they now walked on. "Every year we construct the equivalent of dozens of cities, but the pieces don't add up to anything memorable or of lasting value. The result doesn't look like a place, doesn't act like a place, doesn't _feel_ like a place. It feels like what it is: an uncoordinated agglomeration of standardized single-use zones with little pedestrian life and even less civic identification, connected only by an overtaxed network of roadways. And maybe the most regrettable fact of all is that exactly the same ingredients – the houses, shops, offices, civic buildings, and roads – could instead have been assembled as new neighborhoods and cities. Countless residents of unincorporated counties could be citizens of real towns, with the real quality of life and community involvement that places like that, like this, provide."

Link stared at Sheik for a long moment. "I only understood, like, half of that, but I am now even more grateful that there is almost _no_ chance of me ever becoming king."

"Hey, Prince Consort has to know about this stuff too."

"Damn, looks like I'll have to go to college after all."

The sun was gone by the time they reached downtown, and the moon hung bright and full just above the skyline. There was no one around, and the streetlights were completely ineffectual in dispelling the creeping dark.

Link was getting that weird feeling again. That "something's wrong" feeling. And he was starting to think he wasn't the only one. Sheik was walking closer to him, their hands brushing with almost every step. And they were looking for something, anything, to distract them from the empty streets.

"Hey," Sheik said, suddenly. "A candle."

Link stopped. "What?"

"There," Sheik touched his hand and pointed. "A black candle on the curb."

"Huh." Link went over and peered at it. "It's been lit. Melted all over the sidewalk. How weird."

"You think maybe someone died in an accident here?"

"Oh, that must be it. Man…now I'm sad."

"Sor-"

"Punch in the face," Link warned.

Sheik choked back a laugh. "_Damn_ we have an unhealthy relationship."

"You're a cross-dressing princess and I'm an insecure bisexual orphan. I think all things considered, we're fine."

Sheik laughed out loud that time. "Point. Let's go."

They'd barely made it a block before Link noticed something else.

"Some kid must have left their chalk out."

"Hm?"

"Red chalk." Link picked it up and twirled it between his fingers.

Sheik squinted at the sidewalk. "I don't see any drawings."

"Me neither. Maybe- Wait." He glanced both ways, then ran out into the middle of the street.

"Link! What are you doing?"

"Here! There's a red line here. Couple of them actually. And…" The feeling was back, big time. "Is this…Old Hylian?"

"Link? Get out of the road." Sheik looked around, nervously. "I've got a bad feeling."

"Yeah… So do I…" Link dropped the chalk, backed onto the sidewalk, and grabbed Sheik's hand. "Let's get out of here, okay?"

"Okay." Sheik gripped Link's hand gratefully and they started walking again, faster. Keeping their eyes firmly forward, neither noticed when they stepped over another red chalk line.

Nor did they notice when, exactly, the sky began to fill with thick gray clouds. Or when the moon took on that unusual orange cast. In fact, all of the sky seemed to have an odd orange-gray tinge to it when they finally looked up.

"Link… How far are we from your house?"

"I- I'm not sure. I don't normally walk this way. It can't be far."

"It's just… I've seen sky like that before."

"Me too. A few summers back. When there were all those…"

"Fires."

They looked at each other.

"It can't be my neighborhood," Link said quickly. "We're too close. We would see more then just this weird sky."

"You're right, of course, it's just… Something's wrong. I can tell. I've been having these dreams lately and-"

"Dreams? Like, about fire and darkness and the end of the world?"

"Yes! How did you-"

The looks turned into stares.

"Oh hell," Sheik said. "I do not believe this. I do not _fucking_ believe this. Why now? Why me? Why _us_?"

"Sheik?"

"Link, I sure as hell hope you don't have any more issues that need addressing any time soon."

"Not any time soon, no."

"Good. No time to be emo when you're saving the world."

"_What_?"

Before Sheik could answer something crunched ahead of them.

It was, or rather, had been, a car. A large green _something_ was standing on the hood, which was now so much scrap metal. The thing stepped off the wreckage, surprisingly smoothly for how it was built, and ripped the bumper off with one hand.

Then it turned and sniffed the air with a blunt piglike snout. Small ears near the top of its head perked up, and beady eyes moved slowly across the street.

Sheik tugged at Link's hand. "You know what might be a good idea?"

"Running?"

"Exactly."

The green thing gave chase, grunting and growling, but they lost it after a couple blocks.

Of course, that was when they ran into three smaller purple things, each wielding a makeshift weapon of their own.

"What the hell?" Link panted, as they ducked down an alley. "This is just like that time in the park!"

"D'you think it's those girls again?"

"I don't know! Dark said some stuff. I can't remember, dammit, I was in the middle of a panic attack. We've just gotta find somewhere safe. That or a way to fight back."

"I can't use much magic, it takes a lot out of me and with the disguise and the teleport earlier..."

"'S'okay. We just- Here!"

There was a fire escape attached to the building beside them. Link grabbed the ladder and started to pull it down, but two fuzzy spiders the size of dogs leapt down from the platform and he just barely pulled his arms back in time.

"Okay, _not_ here."

The spiders followed them, jumping higher then something so large should be allowed to jump, and driving them to run again.

Link started chanting curse words under his breath. "What the _hell_ is going on?" he snapped at the night in general.

"Dark magic," Sheik hissed. "This explains that nervous twitchy feeling I've had lately. Dammit, why didn't I _notice_?"

"I didn't notice either."

"Yeah, but _you've_ been in the middle of a nervous breakdown. I'm _supposed_ to notice this kind of thing. It's practically my fucking family _legacy_."

"This isn't really the best time to beat yourself up, ya know?"

"I know, I know! I just- Fuck!"

More of the purple creatures were pouring onto the street from an empty garage, armed with car parts and street signs and the occasional parking meter.

Sheik swallowed hard. "Should we…spilt up?"

"Did you hit your head back there? I am _not_ leaving you alone."

"But you can run faster then I can. And I can do magic."

"I thought you said you were drained."

"I was hoping you'd forgotten that."

"No such luck, sweetheart. You and me are in this together until whatever end may come."

"In that case, let's _both_ run."

"Roger that!"

They grabbed hands again and ran in the direction of the most light. This proved to be the main avenue of the city, which was just as deserted as the back streets they'd been running through.

"I thought…nobody knew about…the monsters and shit …" Link panted.

"Subconscious," Sheik replied, gasping out the word. "They don't know…_why_ they're scared… they just are…"

"Hey…maybe I'm not as high-strung as I thought… Jus' reacting to the bad vibes. Subconsciously."

"Could be. No idea." Sheik glanced around. "We can get to your house from here, right?"

"We can get closer." Link pulled Sheik along. "This way."

They walked along the sidewalk, taking comfort in the glaring yellow light of the streetlamps. There were scrapes and thumps and the odd crunch, in place of the usual car noises, but Sheik just squeezed Link's hand tighter with every sound, and Link didn't say a word when his fingers started to go numb.

They were going to make it. All they had to do was follow this road and go down one slightly smaller street, then they could lock themselves up in Link's house and hide until morning. Granted they were still quite some distance away, seemed to have gotten even farther away since the last time Link had tried to estimate, but they were _going_ to make it. They had to. Because the alternative…

The pavement shook slightly, this time without an accompanying thud. Sheik squeezed a little more, and Link squeezed back.

"It'll be okay," Link heard himself say, voice echoing strangely off the tall buildings around them.

Sheik smiled gratefully. "I know. I've got a hero to protect me."

"You mean me?" Link snorted. "I don't even have a weapon."

"So we'll grab your bat when we get to your place."

"You know, I think I left that at work."

"Oh. Uh. Maybe we can find some rocks?"

The ground shook again, stronger this time, and it lasted longer. Sheik and Link wound up grabbing at each other's arms to stay upright.

"Earthquake?"

"Here?"

"But-" Something landed behind them. It didn't sound heavy, but it _clanked_. They turned nervously.

A six-foot-tall bipedal lizard stood on the sidewalk, hissing at them. It had mismatched bits of metal, including what looked like a couple of trashcan lids and the wheel well of a VW Beetle, strapped all over its body like armor, and the dented remains of the hood of the Beetle on its head.

The lizard swished its tail so they could see that it was bladed like an axe, then crouched down in preparation.

No words were needed. Link and Sheik both took off running, their most primal survival instincts telling them to _move_. The lizard chased after, hissing and making unpleasant gnashing noises. Its claws clicked on the cement with every step, the sound changing as they turned into an alley and down the street on the other side. A couple of those purple things saw them, but kept their distance, and some small creatures were making "nak nanak" sounds and keeping just out of sight in the shadows.

Link grabbed the closest part of Sheik's anatomy he could find and steered them both down another small alley. It was dark and he tripped over something he hoped was just a pile of trash, before running headlong into a brick wall.

Sheik tugged him back, holding him upright as he tried to clear the stars from his eyes. And then _click_, _click_, _click_. _Hissssss_…

Sheik's breathing sounded ragged, and Link wasn't even sure he _was_ breathing. The lizard walked slowly into the mouth of the alley, its head up, scenting its prey.

It hit Link, then, that this was it. They were trapped, his ears were ringing, and Sheik's heartbeat was fluttering against his shoulder like butterfly wings. And there was nothing he could do, noting that would save them both.

But – maybe – he could save Sheik.

He shoved himself away and stood his ground on wobbly legs. Somehow the lizard seemed to sense that its prey was going to put up a fight now, because it flexed the long claws on its hands and hissed something that sounded like a challenge.

Link shifted his weight automatically, preparing to meet whatever the lizard brought. It shifted too, half-crouching and bursting down the alley with a speed something so awkward-looking should not have been able to produce.

Link heard Sheik scream his name, but ignored it. He ran too, aware he was listing to one side but unable to fix it. The lizard raised one claw and Link ducked down, planning on tackling it like a scaly lethal version of the dummies in gym.

"_Welcome to Hyrule motherfucker_!"

The battle cry, which would not have sounded out of place at a LAN party, came from behind the lizard and was punctuated by a sharp crack that could only be the lizard's skull.

It hit the ground hard; limbs flopping unnaturally. The shadowed figure which had issued the battle cry straddled the body and kicked off the makeshift helmet before pounding on the scaled skull with a rectangular object.

Lik stood in the middle of the alley, still woozy from the brick wall and distantly aware that what was running down his forehead was probably not sweat. There was something familiar about that figure, and that voice, and the absolutely ridiculous thing they had said.

His mouth made the connection before his brain did. "Dark?" he asked, more waiting for confirmation than anything else.

"Hey Link," Dark stepped off the lizard and nudged it with his foot. It burst into thick curls of smoke, that faded almost instantly, leaving only a pile of metal as evidence it had ever existed.

Sheik was next to Link now, having started moving as soon as Link had stopped. "Hi Dark," he said.

"'Sup, princess?"

Sheik shook his head and sighed. "What _really_ worries me is that I was _expecting_ that to happen."

"It's a funny old world, innit?" Dark grinned. "You can collapse now, by the way," he nodded at Link.

"Oh good." He did.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Sorry this one took so long to get done. It's short too. But it exists, and that's what's important, right?

In reference to the title, this night is going to last at least two more chapters. Think of it as a dungeon. Which dungeon? Well, the chalk color ought to be a clue...

I've been having computer issues, but I actually had a proofreader for this chapter, so there shouldn't be any errors. I say "shouldn't" because, you know, to err is human.

I might owe you an apology for Sheik/Zelda's suburbia rant. Blame it on all the textbooks I've had to read lately. Stupid crazy hippie school...

Wow, I'm incoherant today.

Oh! For the record, you know how they say you can't "store up" sleep? Well that is a damn lie. Damn lie!


	14. Haunted Suit of Armor!

**Chapter 14. Haunted Suit of Armor Searches Eternally for Oil Can!**

Link was sitting curled up on the ground with his head on his knees, wondering vaguely how hard it would be to get blood out of his jeans. His forehead and nose were still stinging, but the dizziness had subsided and his legs felt like they could support him again. Sheik had one of his hands and was rubbing it comfortingly with his thumb while he explained to Dark what had happened to them.

"And then that lizard thing, I heard it hit the pavement but I don't know where it jumped down from. What was that thing? It seemed familiar."

"Lizalfos," Dark said. "Tough bastards, sometimes travel in pairs. You guys were lucky."

"Yeah, well, that thing showed up," he gestured with his free hand to the mouth of the alley, "and we knew we couldn't fight back so we just ran for it, you know. Ducked into this alley, didn't know it was a dead end, you know the rest."

"But how did Link get hurt?" He swung his back pack off his shoulder and started rifling through it. "I've got some bactine in here somewhere."

"Oh, uh," Sheik glanced at Link. "Well that's, uh…"

Link sighed and lifted his head up. "I ran into the wall okay?"

"Pfft, I've done that." Dark waved a hand dismissively. "I don't know if it's genetic, or just easy. A-ha!" He produced a brown plastic bottle and a bag of cotton makeup applicators. "First aid! Care to do the honors, princess?"

"Sure," Sheik said, wincing slightly. "But can you stop calling me that?"

"Girl, you _better_ have told Link who you are by now."

"I did! Weeks ago! You- That's not the point." Sheik snatched the bottle away from Dark and unscrewed the cap. "Anyway, you can't judge me, you're a whore."

"Sure, if you want to get _technical_. But at least I'm honest about it."

"Not about everything," Link muttered.

Dark snorted. "Right, because announcing to people that I'm a shadow thingie is such a good idea."

"Shadow thingie?" Sheik dabbed at the scrape on Link's forehead with a sponge. "Is that why your eyes glow in the dark?"

"Dammit, why is everyone so smart lately?"

"Why aren't you surprised?" Link asked Sheik, wincing away from his ministrations. "I was surprised."

"You were in denial," Dark said. "That seems to be a theme with you lately."

"Shut up."

Dark thought about it. "I don't know how!"

Sheik choked back a laugh. "The thing is, I had suspicions about Dark for a while now. I mean, there was _no way_ someone who looked that much like you would just show up randomly. It just doesn't happen."

"It could!" Dark protested.

"No it couldn't. Not in real life."

"Yeah well…everyone else seemed to accept it."

"Most people think you're Link's cousin. The few who know he doesn't have any family just can't bring themselves to ask you what you are. It's not exactly a polite question."

"Huh. You think this'll hurt my chances of getting in Ralph's pants?"

"Considering you have no chance to begin with? No."

"Right on."

Sheik finished cleaning Link's forehead and handed the supplies back to Dark. Link let his head drop back on his knees. "So what about you? Why are you out here? You're not…" His eyes narrowed. "You're not _involved_ in this, are you?"

"No! Well," Dark fiddled with his backpack, "not by choice…"

"Meaning what exactly?"

"I was brought here, sort of like the monsters. Only not." Dark grinned sheepishly. "I'm kind of an assassin."

Sheik's hand began creeping along the ground, searching for a rock. "I don't like what I'm hearing Dark…"

"Erk." Dark waved his hands frantically. "I know it sounds bad! But I'm not gonna hurt anybody! Honest! I may have been _sent_ here to kill Link, but that doesn't mean I _want_ to!"

Sheik paused to assimilate this information.

"So…the both of you working at Cold Stone?"

"Coincidence or fate, take your pick."

"And becoming friends the way you have?"

Dark shrugged. "I like him."

Link raised his head. "'S'okay, Sheik. I trust him."

"You do?" Dark exclaimed, clasping his hands in front of him.

"With my life, not my stuff. Give me my bat back."

"Darn." Dark dug into his backpack and pulled out an aluminum bat. "How'd you know I had it?"

"I left it at work, and your backpack clanks. Give."

Dark handed it over obligingly, then sat back and surveyed their little group. "So Link's got his bat, I've got Excaliboard-"

"Excaliboard?" Link drawled.

"Why am I not surprised?" Sheik laughed.

"I think it's clever."

"You would." Link pushed himself to his feet, swaying slightly. "We should get moving."

"Right." Dark got up too, swinging his backpack over his shoulder.

"Hey!" Sheik scrambled up after them. "So Tweedledee and Tweedledum get melee weapons while Alice has to fend for himself?"

"'Looking Glass' reference. Nice." Dark grinned.

"Thank you." Sheik said primly. "Now give me a weapon."

Dark shifted the contents of his bag and pulled out a pipe, thin and about two feet long. "Will this do?"

"Nicely." Shiek took it and swung it experimentally. "Very nicely."

"Can we _go_?" Link said. "I'm not looking forward to running into another of those lizard things."

"Lizalfos."

"Don't care, not gonna remember."

"Fair enough. Let's-" He stopped. "Hey, where are we going anyway?"

"My house," Link said. "It's…umm… Ah hell, we got even farther away."

"I know where it is," Dark said. "We'll be fine."

They started walking, Dark glancing around the corner before letting the other two leave the alley. They kept their weapons in plain view, but it seemed Dark's destruction of the Lizalfo had scared away the other monsters, for now. But there were still skitterings in the shadows, and the occasional skull-marked spider clinging to a wall.

And once again, they found themselves in need of a distraction. Just something to take their minds off the possible death and dismemberment lurking around every corner.

"You know what would make that bat like ten times more badass?" Sheik said, startling the other two with the sound of his voice.

"No," Dark said, apparently taking him seriously. "What?"

"If it was bent, you know, like that bat from that anime?"

"Which anime?"

"The crazy one."

"That doesn't narrow it down a lot."

"You know! With the kid with the bat who may have been a mass hallucination but he killed a lot of people!"

"Oh, _oh_! Yeah! The crazy one! Where everyone's crazy!"

"Yeah!"

"Yeah, that _would_ be more badass."

Link shook his head. "The really sad thing is that I'm having no trouble whatsoever following this conversation."

"That is because you are a smartie!" Dark pinched his double's cheek and pulled. "Yes you are! Yes you are a little smartie!"

"Ow! Quit it, that hurts." He tugged his head away and brandished the bat. "Don't make me go all Samwise Gamgee on your ass."

"Oh, that was the _best part_ of that movie." Dark grinned at the memory. "Sam was so my hero. In fact, I think when this is all over, I'm gonna reward myself by watching all three of those movies in a row. Extended version. With ice cream."

"You're gonna validate your existence by watching _The Lord of the Rings_?" Sheik looked at him sideways. "I figured you more for a 'gonna get laid' type."

"Pssh. I get laid all the time! The point of 'when this is all over' declarations is to do something you wouldn't normally do. No sense validating my existence by doing something I do every day anyway."

"I don't want to know," Link said firmly.

"Oddly enough, I do." Sheik pushed his bangs out of his eyes and looked at Dark thoughtfully. "I think it's because he looks like a goth version of you. You're hot, goth boys are hot, so that makes him, like doubly hot!"

"Kick-ass," Dark flashed a metal sign. "All I need are some glasses and I could implode people with my sexiness."

"Glasses?" Link said.

"Yeah! Haven't you ever noticed how hot people in glasses are even hotter than they would be without them?"

"I guess I never thought about it."

"Well, picture your little she-male here with glasses. The cute ones with the black frames."

Link thought about that for a moment. His eyes widened. "Holy crap."

"You see?"

Link turned to Sheik. "We're dressing you as a librarian next Halloween."

"Only if I get to dress you up as Legolas. Reowr."

"I am _so_ down with that, you don't even know."

"Ooh, speaking of that," Dark grinned again, flashing fang. "I was just thinking, if you could do anyone from Lord of the Rings, and I mean anyone, who would it be?"

"Huh, that's a thinker." Sheik scratched his head with the pipe. "I'm really not sure. I like both Legolas and Aragorn. I mean, they're both smokin' hot, but they're smokin' hot in different ways. Legolas is all blonde and beautiful and probably flexible as hell, but Aragorn is all rugged and manly and heroic. Heroes do it for me for some reason."

"Understandable," Dark nodded. "As for me, I think I'd do that hobbit who sang in the third movie. You know. The cuter one."

"Yeah. I think that was Merry, but I could be wrong. I have no idea."

"Yeah, well I'd love to get my hands on him. He just looked so sad when he was singing, 'S'like I want to cuddle him and make it all better, and then onto the mad sexings! Plus, he could really _sing_."

"Oh I know! That scene was so _sweet_! When the crazy king guy was telling him to sing I was worried because I thought he'd be bad at it and I'd have to sit through it, and then he was good!"

"What about you, Link?" Dark poked him with the non-nailed end of his 2x4. "Anyone from _Lord of the Rings_, anyone at all."

Link said nothing, just stared at the sidewalk and hunched his shoulders a bit.

"It's okay if it's Legolas," Sheik said.

"Good," Link muttered. "Because it's Legolas."

"Mm, Link and Legolas. I smell fanfiction!"

"Shut up Dark."

"You know, I keep trying and I just can't get the hang of it."

Link opened his mouth to make a cutting reply, but the ground shook and nearly knocked him off his feet before he got a chance.

"What _is_ that?" Link exclaimed.

"Nothing good," Dark shook his head. "Are there many earthquakes around here?"

"None," Sheik shook his head. "We're nowhere near a fault line."

"Well then somebody's fucking around with dark magic. _Again_." He swung his board at a shadow.

"And making the ground shake?" Sheik thought for a moment. "That's gotta be some magic."

"You'd know, princess."

"Quiet, you."

The ground shook again, and there was an unpleasant creaking sound from one of the nearby buildings. They scrabbled for each other's hands, then started walking quicker.

"Where did all the monsters go?" Link asked, voice hushed.

"They're hiding," Dark answered, in the same tone. "They do that for a bit when one of their stronger numbers gets taken out."

"How long is a bit?"

"I'm sort of surprised we haven't gotten attacked already."

"Great." He scanned the shadows quickly. "Should we run?"

Dark shook his head. "Save our strength for when we really need it." He glanced at Link. "How's your head?"

"Hurts."

"Any double-vision? Dizziness?"

"No… Why?"

"Concussions are bad."

"Oh. Yeah."

"Did you know you have pink on you?"

"Huh?"

He pointed at Link's leg. "On your pants. Pink."

Link looked down, twisting around until he saw it. "Oh yeah! Must be from that chalk earlier."

Dark's ears perked up. "Chalk?"

"Yeah, red chalk. Some kid must have been drawing…in the road…" He frowned. "Which doesn't make sense, really. And it was all these weird symbols and…" He smacked himself in the forehead. "What am I thinking? Dark magic?"

"Dark magic," Dark sighed. "And guess what red signifies."

"Um…"

"Think about it, it's not hard."

Link looked up at the orange sky, then the worried look on both his friends' faces. "Aw hell, it's fire isn't it? Red means fire."

"Burn, baby, burn."

Link elbowed him in the ribs.

And the Bokoblins took that as a cue to attack.

They ran, at first, just out of instinct, but the creatures kept up easily. More of them poured out of a side street up ahead, and Link held out his arm to stop the other two.

"We fight," he said simply.

The next few minutes were confused and scary, with purple claws grabbing at their clothes and blunt weapons swinging wildly. Link wound up back-to-back with Sheik, while Dark dodged around the edges of the crowd of monsters, halving their numbers by himself.

"Aim for the head!" Dark shouted. "They go down quicker."

"They're too tall!" Sheik growled. "I'm five-fucking-four!"

"Then go for the knees," Link said. "Get them lower, let me finish them off."

Most of the Bokoblins were armed with car parts or uprooted street signs, anything they could pick up. Even so, they lacked the coordination and teamwork to get past Link's bat. It wasn't glamorous or impressive, but it kept them from getting closer. He was surprised, the first time he swung hard enough to hear cracking bones, but there was no time to question the morality of the situation.

And then, without warning, it was over. The last of the creatures fell backward as Sheik's pipe connected with its kneecap, and Link swung his bat like a golf club. Once, twice, and the skull split. He backed away, eyes moving quickly over the empty streets, but no more foes rose to meet them.

There was a clatter of metal as Sheik dropped his pipe. "Oh gods…"

Link flung his bat aside and turned to wrap Sheik in his arms. "It's okay," he murmured. "It's over."

"I know, I know, but..."

"It's okay."

"Blood, blood, they _bled_ on me Link."

Link stiffened. "Sheik…"

"I heard… And I broke… And I _felt_…"

"We- we have to keep moving."

"I know…" He stepped back and rubbed his face. "I'm okay, it's just…" He looked at Link. "You…why aren't you upset?"

"I don't know. I guess I just feel like, it was them or us. I'll admit, I didn't _enjoy_ it, but…I wanted to protect you. Both of you." He glanced back. "Dark?"

Dark shrugged. "I've been doing this for weeks. I'm good. Seriously though, we should move."

"Right." Link grabbed his bat and handed Sheik his pipe. "You gonna be all right?"

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm… Yeah."

Link opened his mouth as though he wanted to say something else, but just shook his head and took Sheik's hand.

Dark took the lead, glaring about him with those glowing red eyes. The monsters didn't all get the hint, but they didn't try anything as a group.

They were heading for a street that Link said was a straight shot to his house, but somehow they got lost along the way.

"I don't understand," Link said. "I've been through this neighborhood a thousand times, but…this isn't part of it. This is- Where _is_ this? Downtown?"

"Looks that way," Dark agreed. "Just a couple streets over from where I found you guys."

"But we _must_ have gone farther than that!"

"We _did_. I'm guessing…magic."

"Summoning," Sheik agreed. "That's what the chalk must have been about. Whoever is behind this isolated a section of the city. When we got to the edge, we must have just been brought back to the beginning."

"That- That's _bullshit_!"

"Magic is cheating," Sheik shrugged. "I'm good at it, and I admit that."

"So what's going to happen? Are we just _trapped_ here?"

"Um, not forever. Just until…well, until whatever they're summoning gets summoned."

"So what are they summoning?"

"Well…judging by the color of the chalk…"

"Fire?"

"Fire."

"Burn burn like a wicker cabinet." Dark said cheerfully.

"Dark, I swear to Din I will hit you with this bat."

Dark started laughing, then inhaled sharply and froze. His eyes widened, and the glow shrunk to pinpoints of light.

"Dark?"

"Hide," Dark whispered, terrified. "Oh gods, _hide_!" Before they could move he grabbed Link and Sheik by their closest body parts and dragged them into an alley. The giant spider that had made itself at home there tried to make trouble, but Link silenced it with a couple of well-placed blows. He had to, Dark had plastered himself to the wall and was staring at the sky in horror.

"Shit," he said under his breath. "He's close, so close. How can he be so close?"

"Dark, what's wrong?"

"I can feel him, his voice. Ganondorf."

Sheik gasped and pressed himself in beside Dark. "He's _here_?"

"No, he's not even in this world, but his voice… He's extending his influence. Somehow, someone… He's helping them, talking to them." He squeezed his eyes shut. "Not yet, oh please gods, not yet, don't let him find me yet, not yet."

A voice rang out over the dark rooftops, and Link found himself squished in between his friends. It was a female voice, youngish, and sounded upbeat. It was answered from another direction by an almost identical voice. They both laughed.

"Shit," Dark and Link said in unison. Sheik shot them a Look, then all three of them looked up as a figure swooped overhead.

Female, shapely, with pigtails and a broomstick clamped between her thighs. She paused just on the edge of their sight and called out to someone.

"See anything?"

The someone called back, but they couldn't understand her.

"Well keep looking! Those purple bastards didn't just kill _themselves_!"

Then she flew away. Link, Dark, and Sheik gave a collective sigh of relief and stepped away from the wall.

"So they know we're here," Sheik said. "I guess there's no point in sneaking around any more."

"I'd still prefer to sneak," Link said. "I mean, they know _someone's_ here, but they don't know who or how many."

"Good point."

"I wasn't looking," Dark said. Every trace of the fear that had gripped him earlier was gone. "Was it a college girl?"

"Yes," Link said.

"Could have been," Sheik amended. "It was hard to tell."

"Right," Link agreed. "Could have been."

Dark cocked his head and looked at Link, then nodded. "Let's go."

"Where?" Link gestured around them. "We're trapped!"

"Only until they summon this bitch, right? So we go to where they're doing the summoning, bust some heads, and break the spell. Right?" Dark looked at the other two. "Right?"

They just shook their heads. "You're not allowed to make the plans any more," Link said.

"So what's _your_ idea?"

"We get as close as we can to my house, and when the spell breaks we run like crazy."

"I like that plan better," Shiek agreed.

"_Fine_. You and your survival instincts."

They started walking again, staying close and keeping their eyes open for red chalk or black candles. The monsters were as restless as ever, but they tried to avoid killing too many or attracting too much attention. Link had seen what Zelda could do with magic, and he hated to think what "forbidden" spells might be.

"Does anybody know what time it is?" Sheik asked suddenly.

Dark shrugged. "I don't know how to set my watch."

Link rolled his eyes. "Please tell me you didn't buy it just because it glowed blue."

"Of course not! I bought it because it glowed _pink_."

"Naturally. Do you have your cell phone, Sheik?"

He smacked his forehead. "Yes, yes I do. Why didn't I think of that?" He pulled it out of his pocked and turned it on. "One… one-twenty? Damn."

"AM?" Dark exclaimed.

"No, Dark, PM. It's afternoon."

"No need to get snarky…"

"I'm tired and I'm scared and you're a dink."

"Fine, be that way. But remember, if it weren't for me you guys would be unarmed and probably dead." Dark stopped, as the others' faces grew grim. "I- I didn't mean that. We're gonna be fine."

"Yeah," Link said firmly. "We are."

Nobody wanted to know how much time had passed when they got to what seemed to be the edge of the summoning area. It was about five blocks away from Link's house, and the thickly chalked lines were giving off the same aura as police caution tape.

"_Why_ did we not notice this before?" Link demanded.

"I think we were being chased by those naknak things," Sheik said. "And it wasn't this powerful before. Must be getting close to the end."

"Good, then we won't have to hide that long."

There was a small alley between a couple of shops, containing a few plastic trash cans and a broken neon sign. Dark gave one of the cans an exploratory kick, and something hissed form behind it. He glanced at Link, then kicked it over.

Something that looked like a giant centipede made of lava crawled out into the alley and hissed at them, mouth-parts clicking threateningly.

"What's this one called, Dark?" Sheik whispered.

"No clue," he admitted. "I know I _should_ know, but I don't."

"How do we kill it?"

"Umm…"

The centipede reared back and hissed again, and Link promptly smacked it in the face. It rolled up in a ball and he kicked it into the back of the alley.

"Dark," Link said. "You mind?"

"Nope." Dark strode into the alley and finished the insect off with one blow. "Okay, now with the hiding?"

"Yeah, but I want to see what happens when-"

"Over there!" a woman's voice shouted.

"Shit!" Link exclaimed. He grabbed Sheik and dived behind the trash cans.

Two women on broomsticks swooped down out of the sky and landed on the ground. They were Gerudos, dressed identically in tank tops and jeans, with their hair in pigtails. Link started cursing softly under his breath as soon as he saw them.

"See anything?" one said.

"No, but I did a second ago. They have to be here somewhere."

"So what, do we just start blowing shit up?"

"Nah, that'll take too long. We'll just send the knight over here."

The first girl laughed. "Oh, perfect! I was hoping we'd get to use that."

They hopped on their brooms and circled up into the air. Just above the roof level, the second one put her fingers to her mouth and whistled sharply. Then they both flew off, laughing merrily.

Sheik sighed with relief and pried Link's fingers off his arm. Link was still cursing, biting off the syllables and all but growling.

"What's wrong?" Sheik asked.

"Koume and Kotake," Link said. "I thought it was one of them before, but I hoped I was wrong. I can't _believe_ this!"

"What?" Sheik exclaimed. "You _know_ them?"

He winced, real pain on his face. "Worse. I slept with them."

"_WHAT_?"

Dark fell to his knees beside them. "_Both_ of them?" he said, seemingly impressed.

"Not helping," Link snapped.

"Explain," Sheik said through gritted teeth. "Now."

"L- look," he raised his hands in surrender. "It was before I even met you. I mean, I guess maybe we'd talked in class, I don't remember. I…I wasn't in a great place then. I went out with a lot of girls, a lot of…well…Dark?"

"Sluts."

"Thank you, Dark."

"No problem."

"I'm not proud of what I did," Link said. "Especially not now that I know those two are evil, but… it happened, and I'm not going to lie."

"But _why_?" Sheik exclaimed. "Why do it at all? I mean- When was this?"

"About a year ago…"

"A _year_?"

"I know! I know, okay? It was dumb, it was wrong, I would never do it again. But at the time… I mean it was so _easy_. These girls, they all wanted to use me in their own ways, and I didn't mind being used. At least I wasn't alone most of the time."

"And those two?" Sheik gestured at the sky.

"I guess I should have known they…weren't quite right. Big into their heritage, which isn't a bad thing, but they were _really_ interested in…umm…the Gerudo kings."

"By which you mean Ganondorf?"

"They never said the name but…yes."

"And you went out with them anyway? _Both_ of them?"

"That part wasn't my fault! They, um, they liked messing with my head. I don't think they knew I knew there was two of them. But, well…nobody's _that_ identical."

Dark was grinning helplessly. "I'm sorry man, but _twins_? I am so frickin' proud of you."

Link glared at him. "_Really_ not helping." He turned to Sheik, who was still smoldering. "It's in the past, okay? I regret it, a lot."

"You'd damn well better. And _please_ tell me you got tested."

"Of course! I'm not that dumb."

"Could've fooled me."

-_clank_-

They froze.

-_clank_-

"What was that?" Dark whispered.

-_clank_-

"I don't know," Link whispered back. "Sounds metal."

-_clank_-

-_clank_-

-_clank_-

"It's getting closer," Sheik said. "Should we run?"

"No, not yet."

-_clank_-

-_clank_-

Link narrowed his eyes. "I'm going to look."

"Link!"

He shook off Sheik's hands and scrambled out from behind the garbage cans. A large figure was walking slowly down the center of the road, metal boots clanking on the pavement. It was encased in black armor with gold detailing, a rich red cape hanging from its shoulders. In one hand, effortlessly, it carried a sword longer than Link was tall.

Link stood on the side of the road, ignoring the hissing whispers from the alley. The figure, the knight, turned its head and looked at him, its helmet scraping.

"Hi there," Link called. "Looking for me?"

The knight moved its sword to two hands, crouched down and charged.

It was slow and unwieldy, so Link stood his ground. And when the knight got close and raised its enormous sword, he dodged behind it and swung for its head.

The helmet clanged and the knight stumbled, so Link grabbed its cape with one hand and pulled it back. It tripped, but didn't fall, and swung its sword in a wide arc that Link had to skip away from. The knight had fully recovered its balance now, but Link had seen something under the cape. He kept moving, staying just out of reach, and the knight kept swinging. It wasn't good, he realized. It didn't seem to even be aware of what was going on, just that it was supposed to attack.

Dark and Sheik were staring, slack-jawed, from the mouth of the alley. Link thought about telling them to stay put, but they seemed to have grasped the concept without him.

He tried grabbing the knight's cape again, getting a handful of fabric and planting his foot in the knight's back. He was surprised to discover that it wasn't metal underneath, but fabric and flesh, and the knight took advantage of that moment of weakness to break free and regain control. It was even more out of control now, stumbling and clanking and missing badly. Link gave it a good crack to the hands and the sword went flying.

"Dark!" he shouted.

"On it!"

Dark let go of Sheik and flew out of the alley, grabbing the sword and dragging it as best he could. The knight tried to run after him, but Link got behind it and gave it another hit to the helmet. It cried out, the voice sounding shocked and small inside the armor. Dark froze when he heard it, and dropped the sword.

Before the knight could overtake him, Link kicked it in the small of its back, and it finally went clattering to the ground. He swung back, preparing to finish it off, when Dark tackled him.

"Dark! Ow, what the hell?"

"It's human!" he exclaimed.

"What?"

"That knight, didn't you hear?" He climbed off of Link. "It's human! A woman!"

"_What_?"

They knelt on either side of the knight and leaned over its face. "Heeeeey," Dark said. "You in there?"

The knight didn't say a word. Link and Dark glanced at each other, then took ahold of the helmet and pulled.

A long red ponytail, olive toned skin, aquiline nose, and a completely stoned expression.

"Nabooru?" Link and Dark exclaimed in unison.

Sheik dropped to his knees next to Nabooru's head. "Link," he said simply.

"I didn't sleep with her!" Link proclaimed quickly.

"I did," Dark said. "A lot."

"Well, that's something." Sheik placed a hand on Nabooru's head. "She's been brainwashed."

"Can you break it?"

"Easily." Sheik glared at Link. "You sure you want me to?"

"We were just friends!"

"If you're lying-"

"'You'll kill me, I know."

Sheik positioned his hands carefully on her temples and closed his eyes. "This'll be simple," he said. "There's no subtlety to it at all, they just turned her into a robot." His frowned for a moment, then both he and Nabooru's eyes flew open.

Nabooru's eyes closed again immediately, and she moaned. "Where am I…" She blinked a couple of times. "What…"

"Are you okay, Nabs?" Link said.

She squinted at him. "It's you…" She turned her head. "Both of you." She looked up. "You, I don't know."

"Sheik," Sheik said curtly. "I'm dating Link."

Link squeaked.

"Well." She pushed herself upright, wincing. "That explains a lot."

He squeaked again.

Nabooru looked around her expectantly. "So, anyone want to tell me what the hell is going on?"

"Girl," Dark shook his head, "we wish we could."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN

Whew! Long one! This has been...hard. Very. Eurgh. Took too long too. Ooooooooooo. So, um, what to say? Well, in case you were wondering, Dark did NOT break the forth wall there. With the Link and Legolas fanfiction (yes, I know it exists, no, I don't want to read it). He will write it later, in bits and pieces on bar napkins, which will be stolen and read aloud by whoever he happens to be drinking with at the time. They will be passed around from person to person, night after night, until someone finally collects as many napkins as are left, as well as the stuff that wasn't written down, and put it all together and publish it online. Where it will inspire a thousand wet dreams and masturbation sessions. Dark has a vivid imagination.

That scene? Where they're walking and talking about movies and shit? That's been written for MONTHS. I love silly dialogue like that. But you probably knew that by now.

Oh! Important note! I will be at Sakura Con in Seattle, April 6th through 8th, dressed as either Zelda, modern Zelda, bunny Link, Rin from Inuyasha, or Liam from Gaiaonline... Wow, I'm a nerd. Anyways, give me hugs if you see me.

Oh yeah, props to Wolf for naming Excaliboard!


	15. Urban Birds Calls Mimic Cell Phones!

**Chapter 15. Urban Birds Calls Mimic Cell Phone Ringtones!**

Link, Sheik, Dark and Nabooru gathered in the small alley to rest and regroup. It took a full ten minutes to get Nabs out of the armor, then they tossed it into a corner and ignored it.

"What do you remember?" Link asked.

Nabooru shook her head. "Not a lot. Koume and Kotake asked me a bunch of questions, shouted at me, then it all goes black. I can't even remember what, if anything, I said."

"So they don't know about Dark?"

"Oh they know about Dark," She rolled her eyes at him. "If he is what I think he is, the last king must have told them."

"And what do you think I am?" Dark asked cautiously.

"A dead shadow walking."

"Sounds about right."

"Well do you know what they're trying to summon?" Link asked, trying to steer the conversation back on topic.

But Nabs shook her head again. "I don't remember anything since the morning after I met your double here."

"Ooh," Dark winced. "That was a week ago."

"A _week_? Oh gods, my show!" Nabs turned to Dark desperately "You're a fan! Why didn't you know something was wrong?"

"The station said you were on vacation! Some woman named 'Syrup' was covering for you."

"That old bat! She doesn't know a Moblin from a mouse."

"She seemed to be doing all right." Nabs shot Dark a Look. "Couldn't hold a candle to you of course!" he amended quickly.

Nabs sighed. "Well, at least I know my job is safe. One of the twins must have called in for me. Now I've just got to hide out somewhere until this is over. One way or another."

"Do you know a safe place?"

"Sure," Nabs grinned. "I've got friends in low places. I'll be fine." She glanced up at the sky. "Provided I can make it through tonight."

"You sure you have no idea what's going on?"

"The twins seem fond of the classics. And since their ultimate goal is to bring back the last king, they'll probably be practicing with some of his old associates."

"So…what, are we talking other dead guys?" Link frowned.

"Of course not, don't you know your legends? Ganondorf never trusted humans, except for his own people. They'll be summoning _monsters_."

"But there are already monsters everywhere!"

"_Big_ monsters."

"Shit," Sheik muttered, the first word he'd said in a while. "Red chalk. Volvagia."

"The lava dragon?" Link exclaimed.

"Oh so you _do_ know a bit." Nabs smiled.

"A bit," Link admitted. "I guess I never tried to apply it to real-world situations."

"Well start trying. And you," Nabs turned to Sheik. "Why are you pouting?"

"I am _not_ pouting," Sheik said. "This is how my lower lip expresses displeasure."

"Well do it later."

"Don't tell me what to do," Sheik snapped. "I have had a long night, and I just found out my boyfriend has slept with more woman than I've even _met_."

"I wouldn't go that far…" Link muttered.

"Including the two girls who are trying to bring about the end of the world as we know it." Dark opened his mouth, and Sheik grabbed a handful of his shirt. "If you say, 'and I feel fine,' I will personally see to it that you are never able to perform sexually again."

Dark gulped. "Duly noted."

Nabooru cocked her head and looked at Sheik. "You…don't trust me, do you?"

"To be honest, you haven't given me a reason to." Shiek glared at her. "All I know about you is that you slept with Dark, and you're friends with those crazy girls. Not exactly a glowing recommendation."

"Hey!" Dark exclaimed. "I do have _some_ standards!"

"Link trusts me," Nabooru said.

"Link's judgment has proven extremely lacking. Hell, he trusted _me_, and I turned him bi."

"That's not true!" Link exclaimed. "I thought we agreed it's not your fault."

"_You_ agreed; I still have some self-flagellating to do."

Nabs put her hand on Dark's shoulder and pushed herself to her feet. "Well you kids have fun arguing about things that don't have anything to do with our current situation. I'm gonna look and see if I'm right about where we are."

"Where we are?" Link repeated. "We're downtown."

"Not what I meant. You guys said you were trapped here? It just looped around?"

"Yeah, it was _weird_."

"Well I think I know why."

"Ooh!" Dark waved his had in the air. "I know! I know!"

"Yes Dark?" she smiled.

"Magic!"

"Correct! Very good. If I'm right, it's a sort of complicated spell that turns a selected area into a dungeon."

There was a long silence.

"A…dungeon?" Sheik said.

"Like with cells and torture racks?" Link added.

"No, not like that. It just seals off a certain area and pulls in a lot of monsters. Back in the day they were used to protect powerful objects, or keeps people prisoner. Once they're set up you can get in easily enough, but you can't get out unless you know exactly where the set exit is."

"Crap, that could take days." Link gestured with one hand. "How do we like...turn it off?"

Nabooru winced.

"We _can_ turn it off, right?"

"Sort of…" Nabs pulled her ponytail over her shoulder and fidgeted with it. "I, uh, I mentioned that dungeons are usually used to protect things?"

"Yeah…"

"Well, they accomplish that by tying whatever it is to…umm, to the life force of a creature."

They all stared at her. "I don't think this one is protecting anything, obviously, but the spell itself will still basically be anchored to…the biggest and baddest mythological motherfuck Koume and Kotake could summon."

"Oh _good_," Sheik snapped. "So the only way to get out of here is either wander around the edge for nine thousand hours, or kill a giant fucking dragon."

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Perfect." Sheik got to his feet and dusted off his knees. "Well, let's head off to our deaths then."

"Sheik, calm down." Link grabbed the hem of his shirt. "This isn't that bad."

"Explain how it's not bad!"

"Well, umm, there are four of us now. And we have weapons! And Nabooru's giant sword!"

"If you can lift that thing, be my guest." Nabooru waved at it. "My arms still feel like spaghetti."

"We'll be fine," Link said. "If nothing else, we can break into a building and hide until cops show up or something."

"The cops won't come," Dark said.

The other three looked at him. "What do you mean?" Link asked. "Monsters are attacking people!"

"Yes, I know, but they won't come until the worst is over." Dark shrugged. "I don't know why. Could be magic, could be they're just chicken, but I've called them half a dozen times myself, and they _never_ show up in time to help."

"Magic," Nabs said. "Messing with phones line is easy enough."

"So phones don't work?" Sheik said. "Not even cell phones?"

"No, calls just don't make it to the police until most of the magic is gone."

"I'm trying it." Sheik pulled out his phone and dialed. Then dialed again. And a third time. "Work, dammit!"

"It's not going to."

Sheik glared at Nabooru. "You know a lot about this."

"You do a radio show like mine and you just pick this stuff up."

"Right."

"It's true! I'm not involved with this!" Nabs turned pleading eyes on Link. "Tell him."

"I'm in deep enough as it is," Link sighed. But he stood up and put his hand on Sheik's shoulder. "Nabs is good people, okay? She helped me realize what a dumbass I was being back when I was being a dumbass."

Sheik looked at her. "Really?"

"I found him eating cold pizza at 3 AM in the triple-D house. I asked him what he was doing, he told me, and I did my best to explain why it was stupid. Took a few weeks for it to really sink in though."

"I've never claimed to be smart," Link muttered.

"And you're really not in league with those girls?"

"If I was, would they have brainwashed me and stuck me in that armor?"

"Good point… Sorry then, Nabooru."

"No problem, little guy. Now I'm going to go check out this border thing."

They followed her like ducklings to the red chalk line on the street.

"There's Old Hylian here," she said. "I only know a little. Something about… I think that word is light?"

"Yup," Dark said. "It says, 'Avert thy eyes oh spirit of the land, for what we do is not concerned with the light.'"

Everyone stared at him.

"What? I'm like five hundred years old, you think I don't speak Old Hylian?"

"You're five hundred?" Link exclaimed.

"Something like that, I think. Not sure."

"I… I think I need to sit down." Link stumbled back toward the alley.

"So what does it mean?" Sheik asked.

"Pretty standard component of most dark magic," Dark shrugged. "Keeping the local guardian spirit from getting too nosy. I think spirits nowadays are pretty hands-off though."

"Do they even still exist?"

"You can't kill things like that. They'll be there, looking out for you, whether you acknowledge them or not."

"That's either inspiring or creepy."

"Both?" Dark suggested.

"Neither," Nabooru said. "It's just a fact. Dark, help me translate the rest of this."

"Kay." They both bent over the road, leaving Sheik to comfort his boyfriend.

"Too much for one night?" Sheik asked, sliding down to sit next to Link.

"Something like that," Link agreed. "Are you still mad at me?"

"Nah, not really. I remembered some bad choices I've made. Probably just as many as you have."

"Yeah, but did any of your ex's turn out to be evil?"

"Does stealing a car and stalking me count as evil?"

"I…don't know?"

"You want to know the weirdest part?" Sheik snorted. "I asked him once why he went out with me, if he never liked me for me, and you know what he said?"

"What?"

Sheik put on a smug sort of expression and deepened his voice. "'Power. What else is there?'"

Link stared. "He…really said that?"

"Yup." Sheik shook his head. "Crazy bastard."

"No kidding."

They stared up at the sky, stars obscured by a layer of thick gray clouds. The orange glow seemed to be getting brighter, especially to the west. Nabooru and Dark were on their knees now, poking the chalk with Dark's board.

"Any luck?" Link called.

"I think I can get out!" Nabs exclaimed. "Because I was technically part of Koume and Kotake's team when they set this up. But you guys can't…"

Link and Sheik exchanged a glance, then both got to their feet. "So leave then," Link said simply.

"But what about you guys?"

"We'll be okay," Sheik said. "There's more to us then you think."

"You still don't trust me?"

"Well…I don't _dis_trust you. It's just…" Sheik looked at Link helplessly.

"It's all really complicated, Nabs." Link smiled apologetically. "But I do think it would be better if you got out of here and got to safety. When it's all over, all of it, come and find us and we'll explain everything. But until then, you need to hide. Koume and Kotake will be looking for you, after all."

"That's true." Nabs sighed. "I feel really awful abandoning you guys like this."

Sheik perked up. "Will it make you feel better if we call for help?"

"Help?" Nabs repeated.

"Help?" Link repeated. "What do you mean?"

Sheik brandished his cell phone and grinned. "I'm gonna call Kafei."

"_Kafei_? Are you crazy? The guy can barely handle the turning of the seasons, how do you think he'll react to monsters?"

"I intend to find that out." Sheik chuckled.

"You…you're evil."

"Evil is such a strong word…"

Link shook his head. "I've got to admit, I'm kind of curious myself."

Dark tossed an arm around Link's shoulders and leaned on him. "Kafei is the blue-haired one, right? The tight-assed one?"

"That's him. Get off me."

"Nuh-uh, I need you to comfort me since Nabooru's leaving."

"Comfort yourself. Get off!"

"Make me!"

They started struggling and wrestling, and soon Link was being dragged around the sidewalk in a headlock.

Nabooru laughed and shook her head. "They really get along, huh?"

"Yeah. It's funny how fast it happened, but then…I guess me and Link were like that after just one night."

Nabooru raised an eyebrow. "One night, huh?"

"Not like _that_," Sheik rolled his eyes. "I just mean how we became friends."

"Sure, whatever you say kiddo." Nabs patted him on the head. "Hey! Link! Dark!"

They looked up, mid-struggle.

"I'll see you guys in a few weeks, okay?"

Dark dropped Link abruptly and ran over. "You take care!" he said seriously. "I only get five channels on my TV, so I count on your show for late-night entertainment."

"I'll be fine. You take care too."

"I…" Dark glanced back at Link, being helped back up by Sheik. "I'll do my best."

"All right then." Nabs clapped her hands, spun on her heel, and faced the chalk line. "Let's see what happens."

Nabs raised her foot.

Everyone held their breath.

And stepped across without a hitch.

"Ha! Woo!" Nabooru pumped her fist in the air. "Something good came of being brainwashed! Take _that_, forces of evil!"

"That was too easy!" Dark exclaimed.

"It's magic, dope. It works like magic."

"Well I'm trying it." Dark glared at the line for a moment, then took a step.

And vanished.

There was complete silence for nearly a full minute.

"D- Dark?" Link said.

"Holy crap," Nabooru breathed.

"Dark?" Link said again.

Sheik grabbed his hand. "Come on," he said. "He'll probably be heading toward us from the other side."

"Dark?"

"So long, Nabooru," Sheik waved. "Be careful."

"Yeah… You guys too." Nabs turned, reluctantly, and started walking.

Sheik dragged Link back to the alley to collect their weapons and Dark's backpack, then shoved him onto the sidewalk and they headed down the street.

"Dark just…vanished," Link said, staring at his feet. "He was there, and then…"

"It's okay, Link. That's how the spell works."

"Could we have followed him?"

"I don't know. He didn't come right back, so…"

"Something must have happened." Link looked up. "Something's happened!"

"I know, I know! That's why we're going!" Sheik looked back at Link, and noticed him staring at the sky. "What…"

Link pointed.

The dull orange glow from before was gone now. Bright cherry-red light was coming from somewhere up ahead, reflecting off the clouds and making the whole sky red as blood.

"Well hell," Sheik muttered. He turned back to Link. "So…what do we do?"

"You're asking me?"

"_I_ don't have any ideas."

Link stared at the red light for a long moment, then pulled Dark's backpack up on his shoulders. "We can't hide. We can't just wait for this to blow over. Dark was sent here to kill me, the people behind this used to date me. Something's going on, Sheik, and it involves me. Whether I like it or not."

"I'm glad you made that decision, Link," Sheik said softly. "And just for the record, it involves me too."

"You sure?"

"Of course. You don't think you and I meeting was a coincidence, do you?"

"I don't know, wasn't it?"

"Nothing that's happened for a long time was coincidence. This is all _meant_ to happen."

"What, destiny?"

"I'm afraid so." Sheik sighed. "I always knew that people in my family are prone to attacks of destiny, but I never thought it'd happen to me."

"You're the princess, so I understand that much. But what's special about me?"

"You?" Sheik smiled. "You're Link; isn't that enough?"

Link laughed. "You're such a dork. You could just say you don't know."

"Aww, but my answer was better."

"Still a dork."

They started walking again, side by side, heading for the brightest source of light. The buildings got larger as they moved along, and the sidewalks narrower. Link knew the neighborhood, vaguely, but had never had a reason to go there. It was all warehouses and factories.

And soon, the monsters came back. Small ones at first, spiders and the little imps. But soon the ones Dark had called Bokoblins were sowing up again. Link and Sheik compromised when it came to fight or flight, and usually just knocked the monsters down and ran for it.

As they got closer to the light new monsters appeared. Strange ones, with fire on their heads or backs, and giant lizards that exploded when they died. The flying flaming skulls gave Link and Sheik a good fright when they first appeared, and something that looked like a bat on fire prompted a ten-minute lecture from Sheik on why the media had bats all wrong.

Finally, they came to a place where the light was so bright it was almost like daytime. They hung back in an alley and Link peered around the corner to asses the situation. Somehow he was not surprised to find the street crawling with more of those giant lizards, and bats clinging to all the walls.

"It's not good," Link whispered. "A regular gauntlet."

"Can you at least see where the light is coming from?"

"Yeah. It's the old fruit packing plant. It's been closed for longer then I've lived here."

"Five years," Sheik agreed. "I don't know if anyone ever bought it, but I'm pretty sure it's empty."

"Well the light is coming from the roof." Link squinted. "And I think the walls are cracking."

"What?" Sheik leaned around him and looked for himself. "Oh wow, that's not good." He looked up at Link. "Are we sure this is a good idea?"

"Of course it's not a good idea. But we're doing it anyway." Link pulled his bat out of the backpack. "Ready?"

"Ready."

They charged.

They were able to beat a path through the first few yards without too much trouble, but that drew the attention of the rest of the monsters. At first it was just like every other time they'd been ganged up on, but these guys just _kept on coming_.

"There's no way we're going unnoticed here!" Sheik shouted.

"So we might as well call for backup!"

They fought their way to a wall and Sheik backed up against it and pulled out his phone. "You sure you can hold them off?"

Link flashed him a quick grin. "I've had all night to practice."

Sheik smiled back at him and dialed quickly. It was now well past two in the morning, and he knew Kafei wouldn't be awake. But he also knew how easy the blue-haired boy was to manipulate, and was already rehearsing the conversation in his head.

The monsters closed in quickly. Perhaps, any other time, this would have been a problem. But Link had been fighting monsters at least six consecutive hours now, and it was starting to feel commonplace. Tomorrow, maybe, he would think back on it and realize how truly fucked up it all was, but for now he was swinging his bat and killing monsters like it was what he'd been born for.

Behind him, he heard Sheik's half of the conversation. "Ralph? I was trying to call Kafei. Oh. But what are you doing there at two in the morning? Well, that's what you get for shopping at Ikea."

"Sheik…" Link said.

"Oh, right. Ralph, you and Kefei need to…uh, come and pick us up. No we did not get arrested! We're downtown, near the old fruit-packing plant. Does Kafei know where that is? Good, get your asses over here. And- Wait, does your dad have a gun? Does Kafei's? Nevermind then, just get over here. No one is getting arrested!"

"Sheik!"

"Hurry!" Shiek hung up and shoved the phone back in his pocket. "Okay, now what?"

"We can't wait for them. We need to go forward." Link glanced back. "Ten bucks on Kafei having a nervous breakdown as soon as he sees one of these purple guys."

"You're on," Sheik grinned.

They went back to fighting. The door to the plant was very close now; close enough that they could see two stone objects on either side that didn't seem to match the rest of the décor. They were short pillars, simply carved, with a perfect sphere perched on top. These too were carved, Link and Sheik noticed as they got closer, with a single line drawn across the front. They looked almost like…

Eyes.

That assessment was confirmed when the eyes opened, turned toward Link and Sheik, and fired lasers from their pupils.

Link shouted and dodged, rolling to the right. A laser followed him, melting a path in the street. He scrambled away as fast as he could, finally reaching safety in the alley next to the building.

It was then that he realized Sheik wasn't with him.

He started to run back into the street but the laser was lying in wait. So he had to settle for peeking around the corner with as little of his face as possible and hissing frantically. "Sheik!"

"Link?" came the faint reply.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Yeah. Now what?"

"Can we go around?"

"This alley dead-ends."

"Mine doesn't."

"Okay. You try and get in the back, I'll…figure something else out."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, just be careful."

"Okay. You, too."

Link examined the alley he was in. It had three different sizes of giant spiders, and something that looked disturbingly like a giant zombified hand lurking at the very back.

Link sighed and gripped his baseball bat.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the building, Sheik was facing pretty much the same thing. No giant hand, but another one of those exploding lizards. They were called Dodongos, he thought he remembered.

He made it through, killing most of the spiders and dodging the Dodongo, and found a small dirty parking lot on the other side. It was lit by two streetlamps and the bright red light that was pouring from the cracks in the wall of the plant. There was a small door with peeling paint, underneath a broken lamp exactly in the middle. It was hanging open.

Sheik approached it warily, pipe held at the ready. He glanced at one of the cracks as he passed, but couldn't see anything beyond the light. Oddly, there was no light behind the door. A little, sure, but it was the plain white of fluorescents, no menacing red. Still, Sheik poked the door open with his pipe instead of getting close.

Nothing happened. The hinges didn't even squeak. Sheik poked his head in and looked around. A small hallway, dusty and dim, with mold on the ceiling and cracks in the walls. These too, were glowing. It seemed the light was coming from the walls themselves, rather then somewhere in the building. If that was so…why was the roof so bright?

Sheik looked up. More cracks. He gulped nervously and tightened his grip on his pipe. It wouldn't help if the building collapsed, of course, but it made him feel better.

There were monsters here too, mostly spiders, with the occasional lava-centipede thrown in The halls were too small for anything else. Once, a dark shadow appeared beneath Sheik, without source that he could see, and he threw himself out of the way just in time as a hand on an impossibly long arm reached down from the ceiling and grabbed at the spot where he'd just stood.

Sheik sat on the floor and stared for a moment, then got up and ran.

The narrow hallways seemed to run the entire perimeter of the huge building, and Sheik finally got tired of running and opened the first door he came to. A big empty room, with peeling paint and even more cracks then the hall. There seemed to be more and more as he got further in. That was worrying.

As Sheik walked across the room, it seemed to get darker. It wasn't that the light got dimmer, but the shadows spread and took over the walls. He ran for the door on the other side, but something hit him in the center on the back and he hit the ground hard.

Sheik felt heat, suffocating and strong, and rolled over quickly. Something was floating above him, something he'd never seen before. It had a head like some kid of tropical bird, but huge, and wearing red robes like some kind of wizard.

It cocked its head down at Sheik, then screeched, spun around, and vanished. Sheik scrambled to his feet and grabbed for the door, but wasn't too surprised to find it locked. There was another screech, and he threw himself to the side as a fireball hit the door. He gulped, realizing how lucky he'd been the first time.

The bird wizard was floating in the middle of the room, but Sheik thought it was low enough that he could hit it. Who'd have thought piñatas would prepare him for battling monsters?

Sheik ran towards it and swung wildly, but it vanished seconds before the pipe would have connected. Sheik looked around frantically, holding onto his pipe like a lifeline, and another screech came from behind him. He spun to see the wizard floating above the door, higher this time. It reared back, another fireball forming at the end of its sleeve. Sheik ran forward this time, zigzagging to make aiming difficult. It worked, the fireball missed by a mile, but the wizard vanished again before Sheik even got close.

Another screech. Sheik tried to dodge, but it wasn't a fireball this time. The bird itself swooped down at Sheik, and he had a split second of staring into those huge inhuman eyes, before something sharp and hard hit his head and the world went black…

zzz

"Ew ew ew EW!" Link chanted, grimacing with disgust. The thing that had looked like a giant zombiefied hand had turned out to be, in fact, a giant zombified hand. This was bad enough by itself, but it had the strange ability to vanish into the shadows and reappear somewhere else. And when Link thought he'd finally destroyed it, it broke into four smaller hands and ran off.

All that, and it _smelled_.

The cracks in the walls were getting bigger. It had been ten, maybe fifteen minutes, and Link could see it. There were more cracks branching out as well. Whatever was going on, it was coming to a head.

He chased one of the little hands into a corner and stomped on it, almost letting out a crow of triumph when it vanished in a puff of smoke. He was so caught up in victory that he didn't hear the clicking behind him until it was almost too late.

Another giant spider, skull-marked and furry-legged, reared up and swiped at Link with one of its legs. He managed to whack it aside with his bat, but was thrown off balance by the sudden attack and stumbled back into the wall.

A disembodied hand grabbed onto his leg and pulled, which was impossible to begin with, never mind that it actually seemed to be winning! He kicked as hard as he could and the hand went flying, but now the spider was right on top of him…

_CLANG_!

"Hi Link!" Ralph grinned down at him, an uprooted stop sign in his hands, dead spider lying at his feet. "Is this a trip or what?"

"Ralph," Link breathed. "That was scary for a second, thanks."

"Hey, no problem. Seriously, that thing went down easy." He rested the stop sign on his shoulder and offered Link a hand up, which Link gratefully accepted.

"Where's Kafei?"

"Dealing with those laser things. Trying to anyway."

They both turned to look as Kafei took a flying leap into the mouth of the alley, melted pavement on his heels.

"Someone else needs to get a car!" Kafei raged. He had a tire iron in one hand and his normally-perfect hair was mussed beyond recognition.

"Are you two all right?" Link asked. "Did you run into much trouble?"

"No, but we ran _over_ some," Ralph grinned. "Kafei went all road warrior on me. It was scary as hell."

"I swear to all the gods, Link," Kafei growled, "if there is _any_ permanent damage to my van… I- I'll- I just can't be responsible for my actions!"

Link just smiled, too happy to see them to be upset. "I'll pay for any repairs, don't worry."

"Oh, well," Kafei calmed down a bit. "I didn't mean… It's okay." He looked around. "So, uh, who broke the universe?"

"A couple of college girls named Koume and Kotake. I, um, sort of know them, but they don't know I know about what they're doing here."

"And what are they doing here?"

"And where's Sheik?" Ralph added.

"We got split up." Link frowned. "He was going to try and get in this building from the back. We need to get around the lasers and go find him."

"Go inside this building?" Ralph repeated. He jerked his thumb at it. "This building right here? The glowy building of death?"

"Yeah. Whatever's going on is going on inside there."

Kafei glared at the red-veined wall beside him. "Of course."

"Are we going to have to redefine our world views?" Ralph asked.

"You just killed a giant spider with a stop sign. You haven't already?"

"Point."

"Where did you get that thing anyway?"

"Took it off a purple thing Kafei ran over."

"Would you consider going 'road warrior' a nervous breakdown?"

"Got a bet going?"

"Naturally."

"I still want to know what the _hell_ these things are," Kafei grunted.

"Monsters."

"I know that! But where did they come from? Why are they here?"

"Short version; a couple of college girls are trying to resurrect Ganondorf."

Kafei blinked. "Oh. Well. There you go then."

"Now come on!" Link started back toward the street, gesturing for the other two to follow him. "We've gotta sneak around the laser eyes, fight our way through another alley, find a door, probably-" He was interrupted by a loud beep. "What was that?"

"Sorry," Ralph waved his hand. "My watch. It beeps on the hour and I don't know how to turn it off."

Link stared at him for a moment. "You know, I'm starting to think you and Dark really _should_ hook up."

"Well, I'll admit I'm curious."

Kafei winced. "Don't go there, please."

Link tried to ignore the sick feeling in his chest at the look on Kafei's face, and focused on Ralph. "So what hour is it?"

"Umm… Three AM."

Something rumbled, deep in the building, and the ground shook in ripples coming out from it. The glowing cracks groaned and stretched, little bits of concrete breaking loose and clattering to the sidewalk.

"The witching hour," Link whispered.

zzz

"Sheik…"

Someone was talking. Someone familiar. Doubly familiar?

"Sheik, wake up sweetheart."

Sheik opened his eyes, but the light stabbed deep into his skull and he shut them again.

"Zelda!" the voice snapped.

Sheik's eyes flew open at the name, and he looked to see a black-haired face looking down at him. A hand was right in front of his nose, the fingers snapping to get his attention, and he focused on it through the fog that seemed to fill his mind.

"Your fingernails are sparkly…" he said vaguely.

"That would be because I painted them," Dark agreed.

Dark. Dark! Sheik frowned, thinking hard. "Not black," he said finally.

Dark laughed, sounding relieved. "I am aware of the existence of other colors. Besides, this shade was called 'Fairy Pretty.' I couldn't resist."

"What happened?" Sheik asked. "There was this thing, and fire, and my head…" Remembering the injury kicked off the pain receptors in his skull, and Sheik had to take a couple seconds to grimace and swear before Dark could help him to his feet.

"It was a Wizrobe," Dark said. "Nasty buggers. You need a long-range weapon to do any kind of damage to them, which you obviously don't have."

"And you do?"

"I stole a bunch of pointy things from monsters on my way here. Just threw those at it. We need to get out of here, Sheik."

"What happened to you?" Sheik demanded, ignoring him. "Why didn't you step back over the line?"

"I _tried_ to; it sent me somewhere completely different. Sheik, we need to _go_."

"Why? What's happening?"

"I don't know for sure, but the building is full of cracks and I smelled sulfur in the hallway."

Sheik's eyes widened. "What time is it?"

"I don't know, I told you I-"

Sheik ignored him and pulled out his phone, for the umpteenth time.

"Three AM."

They locked gazes.

"The witching hour," Dark whispered.

zzz

Outside, Ralph and Kafei tried vainly to hold Link back.

"It's too dangerous!" Ralph pleaded.

"Are you _insane_?" Kafei added.

But Link ignored them. The lasers chased the three of them across the street and onto the far sidewalk, and they made a wide arc to stay out of reach before sprinting into the same ally Sheik had explored such a short time before. The parking lot was in their sights when the ground rumbled, the walls cracked, and the red light burst into full-fledged flame.

They threw themselves to the ground, curling up and covering their necks in well-trained Duck and cover fashion.

The old fruit packing plant was torn apart at the seams as red and yellow and orange and things that couldn't be seen beat at its foundations. There was a roar of a creature that did not belong in this world, and Link looked up in time to see a huge _something_ burst from the center of the inferno and streaked off into the clouded sky.

And above it all, like the melody to some perverted song, the mad laughter of two young women who thought they were doing the right thing.

It took a long time for the light and the noise to settle down, but when there was nothing but the flickering glow of steetlamps and the sound of three boys trying not to scream, they finally raised their heads and took stock.

The building was gone. Rubble and beams and chunks of wall stood out at odd angles, and there was a row of partially-melted lockers standing alone near one side. The center was completely gone, nothing but ash and gravel.

His heart pounding in his ears, Link climbed to his feet. "Sheik?" he said, weak and feeble. He tried again. "Sheik!"

"Oh gods," Link heard Ralph say behind him. "Oh gods, no…"

"Sheik!" Link was panicking now, and he didn't care. "_Sheik_!"

"Link?"

The relief was so strong Link's knees almost gave out. There, on the other side of what had once been a building, two figures emerged from behind a pile of pipes charred ceiling tiles. They'd gotten out, they were safe!

Link didn't even bother to look at the second person. He started running, and was aware of Kafei and Ralph running behind him. He met Sheik next to a mostly-intact door, and they threw themselves into each others arm hard enough to leave bruises.

"Don't you ever, _ever_!" Link demanded, not even sure himself what he was trying to say.

"Never," Sheik agreed. "Never Link, never."

They kissed deeply, all others forgotten. It didn't matter, just then, what Sheik looked like or what gender he was claiming to be, only that he was alive and safe and in Link's arms.

Of course, that feeling only lasted until Ralph, for the first time since Link had known him, snapped.

"What the _hell_ is going on here!" he shouted, glaring at his friends in complete outrage.

"I am only slightly less confused then Ralph," Kafei added, looking distinctly shell-shocked.

Link and Sheik looked at each other for a moment, at a loss, then both turned to Dark.

"Oh no, don't go looking at me." Dark grinned wickedly. "I want to _see_ this."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Woo! A new chapter to kick off your weekend. You may kneel before me.

Yeah. Right.

Anyway, fun chapter. Moved the plot along quite a bit. THINGS are happening. And it looks like Link and Sheik aren't going to be able to keep their secrets much longer. About damn time. Secrets are not healthy.

And because my proofreader was confused, I will explain what was going on with Ralph and Kafei before the phone call. Apparently Kafei bought some furniture at Ikea, and invited Ralph to come over and help put it together. He would have invited Link and Sheik too, but they've been MIA all day. For those of you who don't know, Ikea is a Swedish furniture store where you have to build all the furniture yourself. With an allen wrench. And instructions made entirely of pictures. I imagine they tried building for an hour or two, gave up, played some video games, noticed the time, tried building again, argued, gave up, lost the wrench, found a spare, tried some more, and then Sheik called.

Oh, and I'm sorry I had to kick Nabs out so soon, but she's not a main character and she would have just gotten in the way. Sorry Nabs!


	16. Spontaneous Architectural Combustion!

**Chapter 16. Spontaneous Architectural Combustion!**

Link, Sheik, Ralph, Kafei, and Dark stood in the light of a flickering streetlamp. Ralph was sputtering angrily, Kafei was staring mutely, Link and Sheik were looking at each other guiltily, and Dark was grinning like his favorite show had just come on television and it was a new episode that looked _great_ so far.

And somewhere in the darkness, something that was not a cloud moved among the clouds.

"Um, I can explain," Link said.

"Explain _quickly_," Ralph snapped.

"Look, I- Well, the thing is… Sheik and I kind of… Well, I mean, Sheik's- I… I'm bi."

"_Durhey_," Ralph said. "I've known that since we were freshmen. What I want to know is why you didn't _tell_ us!"

"Wait!" Kafei exclaimed. "You're not surprised?"

"_Hell_ no I'm not surprised. I'm _pissed off_. Link, we are your friends and you are supposed to tell friends things like this!"

Link stared at him. "I… I'm sorry. It's been…complicated lately."

"So you kept it all to yourself?"

"Well…"

"No, wait, you told Dark, didn't you? _Dark_?"

"No! I didn't tell him _anything_ I didn't tell you. Well, one thing, but that was just today."

"Why are you not surprised?" Kafei demanded. "I'm surprised! Well, mostly surprised. I knew Sheik had a thing for Link."

"_Blind_ people knew Sheik had a thing for Link!"

"Really?" Sheik asked.

"_Really_. You were worse than Link when he liked Zelda."

"Zelda!" Kafei exclaimed. Sheik twitched. "I knew something was bothering me about this! Link, what happened to Zelda?"

"Umm…" Link glanced at Sheik. "Nothing?"

"No, I mean, with you and Zelda! She spent the night at your house!"

"Ooh," Link groaned. "I forgot you saw that."

"What?" Ralph exclaimed. "Link, you're two-timing?"

"No! Never! No!"

"Then what's going on?"

There was a moment frozen in time. Link's two best friends were glaring at him, the person he loved was refusing to meet his eyes, and the guy he'd come to think of as almost family was grinning like an idiot. "I…"

"Don't worry about it," Sheik said. "I'll just show them."

Link realized what that meant and put his hand on Sheik's arm. "You don't have to."

"Yes I do. They're my friends too, even if I don't deserve them." He shook off Link's hand. "You might want to stand back."

"You coming clean too?" Ralph said.

"You don't sound surprised."

"I've always known you were keeping something from us. Just couldn't figure out what."

"Yeah." Sheik smiled wryly. "This is the kind of thing that's too weird for anyone without some kind of psychosis to think up."

"You're not crazy, Sheik."

"Yes I am."

"No way."

"I can prove it."

"Oh yeah? Go for it."

Link backed up to stand beside Dark, who was now shaking with silent laughter. Sheik raised his hand in front of his face, light flashed, and Ralph and Kafei winced away. When they looked back, Kafei's mouth dropped open and his eyes bulged, while Ralph just laughed.

"Okay, okay, you win," he gasped. "You're crazy as fuck."

"Told ya." Zelda shrugged sheepishly.

"I'm mad at you."

"You have every right."

"Although actually this explains a lot." He wiped his eyes and poked Kafei in the arm. "Are you having an aneurism?"

"He! Sheik! What? Wh- _How_?"

"Sentences, Kafei. Grammar is your friend."

"Why are you so calm about all of this?" he screeched. "Monsters, explosions, Link, and now Sheik! Sheik is…" He looked at her nervously. "Are you really?"

"Zelda? Yes."

"So…all this time?"

"Yeah…"

"_Why_?"

"Because if Zelda makes even one slip up, the Weekly Hyrule News reports that she's an alien doppelganger. Nobody gives a shit what Sheik does."

"But what about _us_? Why would you lie to us?"

"I didn't mean to! I didn't mean to- to make friends, to lie to anyone. I just didn't know how to tell you the truth…" She rubbed her arm. "I mean, it's not exactly something that comes up in conversation."

"You still lied."

"I did. I lied to you. I lied a lot. About my name, my gender, my family, my school, everything. It was wrong, you deserve better, and I'm sorry."

"Apology accepted," Ralph said. "Mostly because this is funny as hell."

"_How_ can you find this funny?"

He shrugged. "Just do."

"And what's _he_ doing here?" Kafei waved his hand at Dark. He seemed to be on the edge of a panic attack.

"Ah, and the serpent rears its head," Dark said with a little smirk. "You don't like me much, do you?"

"Of course not! You're a- a womanizer!"

Dark blinked. "Wow, that's just not right in _any_ way. I have nothing but respect for women, women are awesome."

Kafei tried to say several things at one, and it came out as a kind of strangled growl.

Ralph shook his head. "You've got to learn, Kafei, that the world doesn't always conform to your standards. Sure, there are a lot of people who think the way you do. But then there are people like Dark, who use blow jobs as currency."

"Man, do _not _try that at 7-11," Dark said. "They have cameras frickin' _everywhere_."

"_Why are you all so calm_!" Kafei screamed. "How can you be making _jokes_? Talking about- Fucking- How- Everything's _wrong_! Everything's _broken_! The universe is fucking on its head and you're making out and turning into princesses and-"

Zelda stepped forward and slapped him across the face. He stumbled backward and she grabbed his arm and held him upright.

"Ow," he said belatedly.

"Better?" she asked.

"Yeah. I think so." He took a deep slow breath. "Thanks."

"No problem. Although, to be fair, I only did it 'cause I knew you wouldn't hit me back."

"Yeah…well…" He took another breath. "Panicking won't solve anything, right?"

"Right."

"Is there, um, anything else I should know? While I don't feel like screaming?"

"Dark's a shadow and I think Link's a destined hero."

He looked over Zelda's shoulder at the two she'd mentioned. "Shadow?" he asked Dark.

"I was sent here by Ganondorf to kill Link," he said, with an apologetic glance at Ralph. "I didn't want to, so I tried to hide. It didn't work."

"But, you're on our side."

"Yes. One hundred percent."

"Okay, that explains some things at least." He straightened up on his own and Zelda let go of his sleeve. "And Link? This hero thing?"

"News to me too," he said. "But I'm dealing with everything one step at a time."

"Okay. Okay. I can handle this. It's like…one of the legends. The legends have decided to not be legends any more." He looked at Zelda. "Does that mean Link's going to have to go dig out the Master Sword from somewhere?"

"Am I?" Link added.

"Probably," Zelda said. "If I can remember where it is."

"I guess I'm gonna have to learn how to use it too."

"What's to learn? It's a sword, you swing it at the things you want to die."

"Uh, speaking of killing things?" Ralph pointed his stop sign at the sky. "There's a…thing. Did you see the thing? It's big and I don't think it's friendly."

"Shit," Zelda muttered. "Forgot about that. Did we ever figure out if it's really Volvagia, or just a relative?"

"No idea," Link said. "Does it matter?"

"Not really, since I have no idea how we're gonna kill it anyway."

"Yeah…" Link rubbed his temples. "Okay, what do we have?"

Zelda looked around. "Five people with blunt weapons, Kafei's van, and I can do fire and a magic shield."

"Okay. Wait. No. There must be… How do we kill a giant lava dragon anyway?"

"Water?" Ralph suggested.

"Water? Water!" His head snapped up. "Fire hydrant!"

"Yes!" Zelda said. "Yes, okay, we have water. I'm not sure if water will hurt it by itself."

"Probably not," Link agreed. "But I have an idea…"

zzz

The sky was becoming distinctly less gray in the east, and the dragon seemed attracted to the light. It twisted and wheeled in the sky, reveling in unaccustomed freedom. It was aware of small creatures running about below it, but they were of no concern.

They were, however, trying to be. A sharp point of light made squiggly lines in the shadows. The dragon lazily headed in that direction, trying not to look too interested, and saw a figure all in black holding a broken 2-by-4 in one hand and a road flare in the other.

As soon as the figure noticed the dragon getting closer, he took off running down a side street. The dragon followed, acting on long-deprived predator instincts, moving lower and lower as the little light died.

The figure kept on running, but it blended into the shadows in a way that the dragon had never seen prey do before. There had been an ally once, a long time ago, but this was different somehow. The dragon dipped even lower, until it was weaving between buildings in the effort to keep up.

Prey was not supposed to be this fast either.

The dragon was now winding between the buildings, its stomach barely missing the ground. The prey was slowing down, and the dragon sped up that much more in anticipation of the kill.

They burst from an alley to a wide street, close to the remains of the building the dragon had emerged from, and the prey suddenly shouted something that didn't sound like the terrified shriek the dragon was expecting.

There was a strange sound, mechanical and annoying. And getting louder. The dragon took its eyes off its prey just in time to see one of those boxy metal contraptions the humans used to get around barreling down the middle of the road at top speed.

The dragon saw one of those very humans leap from inside the contraption, and had just enough time to wonder who was controlling it now, before it crashed into the dragon's head and everything went black.

zzz

"Now!" Link shouted from his hiding place. Zelda and Ralph (who had received a crash course in magical theory just moments before) weaved quick circles with their hands and thrust something invisible at the closest fire hydrant. Water immediately burst from all the spouts, and the two of them made a mad dash to the nearby alley and up the fire escape.

Link took just a second to make sure all four of his friends were safely off the street, then turned his attention to the key element of the plan. That sputtering streetlight. The base was dented and cracked, and it was in danger of toppling over completely. Which was what Link was counting on.

He jammed the end of his bat into the biggest crack and pried at the metal. The wires were already visible inside, and it looked like the monsters had been using if for sharpening their teeth.

The dragon snuffled, not quite a whimper but close, and Link redoubled his efforts. Finally, the metal cracked sharply, and Link gave it one good kick before scrambling for the fire escape.

Slowly, slowly, the streetlamp fell onto the now waterlogged street. The bulb shattered as it hit pavement, and for a long moment the entire street crackled and sparked with electricity. The dragon didn't make much noise, but its body stiffened and shook, and when it collapsed it jumped a few times before vanishing in a puff of smoke that seemed much too small for all the trouble it had caused.

And as the smoke cleared, the clouds broke, and the sun was visible peeking over the horizon.

The sparking stopped after a short while, the power presumably shutting off automatically. Still, Link and the others were careful as they climbed down from the rooftops and fire escapes they'd taken refuge in. They gathered in the street and looked at the dry spot where the dragon had expired.

"Could somebody make a joke about my promiscuity?" Dark asked desperately, after a long silence.

"You don't ever hear 'hung like a dragon,' do you?" Ralph mused.

"Probably just because it's not alliterative," Zelda said. "I mean, an animal that big, you'd just assume."

"You'd _assume_, yes, but aren't gorillas like, really small?"

"True."

They fell silent once again.

"What's the damage, Kafei?" Link asked finally.

"Don't know yet," he replied, voice drenched in bitterness. "I'm afraid to try and start it, but it looks totaled."

"Hey, maybe the accordion hood will be the next big thing?"

"Shut up."

"You did volunteer, remember."

"I did not," Kafei snapped. "My exact words were, 'I'm not letting anybody _else_ do it.'"

"Close enough."

"I'll cover your expenses if it's repairable," Zelda said. "But… I'm not optimistic."

"I know." Kafei sighed. "Poor van. We had some good times. At least she died a hero."

"So hey," Ralph said. "How are we all getting home? Walking?"

"We could call a cab."

"Or we could call one of my bodyguards," Zelda held up her phone. "Impa will kill me, but she'll be glad I called."

"Ambulance," Dark said firmly.

They all turned to him.

"What?" Link exclaimed. "Dark, are you hurt?"

"No, but you are. Both you and Zelda have received head injuries, not to mention Kafei's little dive from a moving vehicle."

"I'm all right," Kafei said. "Just scraped up, no big deal."

"Yeah, and I feel fine," Link said. "No one needs an ambulance."

"Maybe not an ambulance, but you do need to go to the Emergency Room."

"Dark-"

"What if you have a contusion?"

"I don't!"

"But what if!"

"Dammit, Dark, we're fine!"

"I am concerned for your health! Last time I checked that is not a crime!"

Zelda sighed and hit a button on her phone. "Impa? It's me, I'm downtown, you should be able to figure out where. Me and my friends need to go to the Emergency Room."

"We do not!" Link shouted.

"No, we're fine, but better safe than sorry, right? Okay, see you in a few."

"Zelda!" Link exclaimed.

She shook her head. "Dark is right. All five of us are banged up, and we could easily have cracked bones or something. No way of knowing."

"See?" Dark smirked. "Listen to your woman."

There were sirens starting up in the distance, and the high-pitched wail of a fire alarm somewhere nearby.

"Was, uh, that our fault?" Link winced.

"We should get away from here," Dark said. "I'm, um, kind of technically an illegal alien."

"Oh _good_, that's just what we need."

"Hey, I've been planning on getting my citizenship! Provided I live through the next couple weeks anyway. I don't know what the laws are about that stuff though."

"You could probably find it on the internet," Ralph suggested.

"Probably," Dark agreed. "Except that I don't know how to use the internet, and have never even touched a computer. They scare me a bit."

There was a long pause while everyone stared at him, varying levels of shock on their faces.

"You've…never used a computer?" Ralph asked finally.

"Well, I used one at the library one to access their catalog, but does that even count?"

"Not really," Link said. "Guys? Huddle."

Everyone except Dark formed a circle and put their arms on each others shoulders. There were a few moments of frantic whispering, then Ralph popped his head up.

"Dark? If you've never been on the internet, how do you know so much about pop culture?"

"I watch a lot of VH1. Plus, I was here back in the 60's."

The huddle broke, and they all stared at him again.

"The 60's?" Link repeated.

"Yeah. Some hippies were dabbling in magic, and wound up summoning me. I stuck around for about three years."

"You were a hippie?"

"I wouldn't say _I_ was, personally, but I did live with them for almost the entire time I was here."

"That… Wow, that explains a lot, actually."

"Really? How so?"

He was spared having to answer by a sleek black car that pulled around the corner and slid up next to them without even changing speed. The driver's door opened, and Impa climbed out, dressed impeccably in a black suit, business-like in every way except the rage burning in her eyes.

"Get in," she growled. "All of you."

They obeyed without a word, though Dark was staring at Impa with unabashed awe.

It wasn't until they were all crammed into the thin black car that Impa snapped, "What happened?"

Zelda explained as quick as she could, mincing no words and turning to Link only once or twice for confirmation. It seemed wrong somehow, that everything that had happened could be summarized in less than ten minutes, but Impa was the kind of person who inspired efficiency.

When they got to the hospital Impa gave them just one instruction, "Don't talk," then ushered them ahead of her into the waiting room like a pack of ducklings.

Dark was still eyeballing her without a single trace of shame on his face, and only Zelda's elbow in his ribs managed to save him from walking into a wall.

"Don't bother," she said. "It's not worth it, trust me."

"Why, is she taken?"

"Not exactly. I've known her since I was five, and I've never seen her date. Ever."

"So she's probably all pent-up," he grinned.

"No, Dark."

"But-"

"_No_."

He sighed. "Fine. She looks like she could pick me up with one arm anyway."

"She could."

They settled into the uncomfortable plastic chairs while Impa spoke to the nurse behind the counter.

"Does anyone else feel like their entire body is made of soreness?" Link asked, rubbing his neck.

"Yes," Ralph, Kafei, and Zelda replied in unison.

"All right, just checking. Hey, is Impa going to take care of everything for us? Like, keeping it secret and stuff?"

"Most likely," Zelda said. "It's standard operating procedure for situations like this."

"Like what?"

"Like we don't want getting back to the press."

"Oh yeah… The press…"

"Actually, I've come to a decision about the press."

"What's that?"

Zelda settled into the crook of his arm. "Screw 'em."

"Sounds like a good decision to me."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Kind of petered off there at the end, didn't it?

Okay! Many things happened in this chapter! We had a boss fight, all the secrets came out, and we found out when Dark was in Hyrule before. That's right, he was a dirty hippie. Also, the others have agreed that Dark is NEVER to be allowed to learn how to use the internet. Can you imagine what would happen if he was exposed to Myspace? Or -shudder- 4chan?

Next chapter might take a bit, because I'm not 100 sure what's going to happen. Malon and Anju have to be brought up to date, and I've really been wanting to write Dark and Tatl interacting. We'll see.

Hope you liked it, despite the suck.


	17. Child Born with Care and Handling Label!

**Chapter 17. Child Born with 'Care and Handling' Label!**

Monday morning was strange, simply because it was normal. After the events of Saturday (and very early Sunday) it felt like the entire world should have changed. But the sun rose just like every other day, and school started at the same time.

Link had skipped work again on Sunday, in order to catch up with his sleep. Dark, on the other hand, decided to split the difference and sleep at work.

Aside from not having gotten any homework done, the morning passed like any other. By the time lunch rolled around, it was almost like Saturday had never happened.

Link and Kafei were quick to grab their usual table, taking comfort in making things _stay_ normal. However they'd barely been seated sixty seconds before someone plopped down beside Link.

"Hey," Zelda said.

"H…ey…" Link cocked his head. "Zelda? What the hell?"

"What? I'm not allowed to sit with you guys?"

"Well, sure, I mean, that's up to you, but…"

"I told you yesterday, I'm sick of hiding stuff." She gestured at the cafeteria in general. "I'm going out with you, and I'm friends with Kafei and Ralph." She glanced around. "Where is Ralph? In line?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him since this morning."

"Oh well. You guys don't mind, do you?" She looked pointedly at Kafei.

"Of course not," he said. "That would be silly. Besides, if you're sitting with us-"

Anju and Malon suddenly appeared behind his shoulder. "Can we sit here?" Anju asked. Malon was already pulling out a chair.

"Your other friends will want to too," Kafei finished, grinning. "Of course you can, ladies."

"So," Malon said with exaggerated aloofness. "How was your weekend?"

zzz

"Reason number seven!" Dark announced, stabbing at the floor with the mop he was supposed to be using to clean. "It was his idea!"

"That was reason number one _and_ number four," Tatl rolled her eyes. "And it doesn't matter how many reasons you come up with, I'm still mad at you."

"But you have no right! Tael made his own choice!"

"Which he wouldn't have _made_ if you hadn't _offered_."

"Woman, I offer to everyone! They don't all have to take me up on it!"

"He's my _brother_!"

"He's also _hot_!" He waved his arm at her. "_All_ you fairies are! What do you have against imperfections anyway?"

"Is that a rhetorical question?" She snorted. "We can choose how we want to look, why would we want to be less than perfect?"

"Because it makes you look more human? Besides, people have different ideas of perfect. You, for example, fit today's standards of beauty."

"Damn straight."

"What size jeans are those? A one?"

"I think so. Hey, you're good at that."

He shrugged. "Practice. My point is that while modeling agencies would think you're perfect, I do not."

"No?" her voice dropped dangerously.

"Nope. I prefer my women at _least_ a size five. And that's only if they're short." Dark looked down at himself thoughtfully. "Then again, I'm hardly one to talk. I think I've lost about twenty pounds since I got this body."

"I keep telling you, pop rocks aren't food."

"Well they _should_ be."

Tatl snorted. "You're going to die of malnutrition at this rate."

"Hey, as long as I keep dating butch guys who insist on paying for everything, I'll be fine."

"I didn't need to know that."

"But now you do anyway!" He grinned and flashed her a thumbs up.

Tatl ground her perfect teeth for a moment, then pulled her apron off. "I'm going for a coffee run."

"But we open in five minutes."

"You think I don't know that? I need caffeine and sugar if I'm going to put up with you all day. Besides, you know no one ever comes in the first half hour or so."

"All right, all right. Will you get me a muffin?"

"If only because I'm sick of seeing your ribs through all the fishnet you wear."

"Thanks Tatl. You're the best."

"Compared to you anyway." She slung her purse over her shoulder and headed for the door. "I'm still mad at you."

"Yeah yeah yeah…"

She pushed open the door, and started down the little stoop, nearly running smack into Ralph on the bottom step.

"Hi Link's friend," she said, blinking.

"Hi Link's coworker," he replied.

"Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Yes."

"Well, glad that's settled then." She narrowed her eyes. "I'm going for coffee, should I…take my time?"

"Nah, this won't take long."

She raised one eyebrow.

"Think whatever you want," Ralph laughed.

"You want a muffin too?"

"If you're offering."

"All righty then, you boys have fun." She flounced off down the sidewalk, toward the closest Starbucks.

Dark leaned on the mop and watched Ralph cross the room, noting that Ralph was watching him as well. He stopped just out of mop-reach and folded his arms.

"Hi Dark."

"Hi Ralph."

"I like to think that you have enough standards to refuse me if I offer you my body in exchange for information."

"I do. I dislike prostitution in all its forms."

"So how about I just ask questions, and you tell me the answers?"

"You can ask, I won't promise I'll answer." He stuck the mop back in the bucket and wiped his hands on his pants.

"Fair enough."

"Shall we go to the back?"

"Might as well."

Dark led him around the counter and into the little room that Navi used as her office. "Pull up a folding chair." Dark pulled one out from behind the card table and sat on it backwards. "So, what's first?"

"Well, first of all, I guess I want to know…how long do you think you've got to live?"

"Not more than a month," Dark said flatly. "Most likely less."

"That's what I thought." Ralph slumped. "That answers a few of my other questions as well, about Ganon and stuff." He sighed. "In fact, I think that was the only question I have that I don't want Link to know the answer to as well."

"You keep a lot of stuff from him?"

"I keep a lot of stuff from _everyone_. I dunno," he shrugged. "I've always been good at people. Not _with_ people, I know most of them think I'm too forward, and weird; but _reading_ people. I think I…pick up on details that most people miss? Like you." He gestured at him. "I knew you weren't human from the moment I saw you. I figured you were some kind of shapeshifter doppelganger thing, and I was basically right. And everyone else who works here? They're all fairies, aren't they?"

"All three of them, yes," Dark nodded. "You're good."

"I suppose. It's…sort of annoying most of the time. I see things about people that even _they_ don't see. Like Link. When we were freshmen he had the _hugest_ crush on this student teacher for history. Male, I might add. And Link never did realize why he felt that way about the guy. I don't think he ever questioned it. It was like when he was first crushing on Zelda. 'I just think she's cool.' Right." He shook his head. "My friends tease me sometimes because I objectify women. I don't, really. I like looking at them, because every straight male does, but I know better than anyone that every woman is her own person. I just don't bring that up in conversation because my friends would think I was weird. Like everyone else."

"_Everyone's_ weird," Dark said with a little flip of the hand. "From what you've said, you should know that."

"I do. But it's the outside that matters. And even if my outside isn't 100 percent normal, I still don't want my friends to know how much of a freak I am on the inside."

"Ahh," Dark said. "I get it now."

"What?"

"You're insecure."

"Who isn't?"

"Good point, but I meant that's what you're doing here."

"Is it?" Ralph thought for a moment. "Oh. Oh… Sheesh, sorry."

"It's no big deal, everyone needs to vent sometimes, you chose to do it to someone you know probably won't live long enough to tell anyone."

"No! I didn't mean it that way."

"Just a handy bonus?"

"_No_." He shook his head firmly. "Dark, you… You remind me of me."

Dark's eyebrows rose. "Really?"

"Just in the way I think you understand people better than most people."

"I guess so. Most of the humans I've met do seem oddly imperceptive. Maybe it's just because I'm _super_-perceptive."

Ralph chuckled. "Maybe."

"So you came to talk to me, because you had your worldview rather soundly shattered this weekend, and you can't just bury it in denial and repression like your friends. Not to mention the almost dying. Almost dying tends to unsettle people."

"You don't have to tell me, I'm living it." He frowned. "And you aren't. I'm assuming because you've known you're living on borrowed time for weeks now?"

"Months."

"Ah." Ralph frowned just a bit more, and looked Dark up and down. "You know, you don't look exactly like Link. Not anymore."

"I'm assuming you mean _beside_ the hair color."

"Yeah. Do you know how much you weigh?"

"Umm… No. How much does Link weigh?"

"About one-ninety."

"Isn't that a lot?"

"Not really. He's pretty tall, and he works out a lot. At least twice a week in the gym at school."

"Wow. I've never worked out at all. Probably explains why my arms are so squishy compared to Link's."

"That'd do it."

"I do run a lot! And my abs get a lot of use."

"Was that a thinly-veiled reference to your sexual proclivity?"

"It was veiled?"

Ralph laughed. "You're a really good guy, you know that Dark?"

"I try." He smiled. "Feeling better?"

"Much. I just wish… I mean, maybe you could lay low when and if Ganon decides to come looking for you?"

"I'm going to try, believe you me, but I don't have a lot of hope."

"I…" Ralph looked down at his hands. "I don't want you to die."

"That's another thing we agree on." He looked at Ralph for a bit. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"Going to offer me pity sex?"

Ralph snorted, then burst out laughing. "You just don't give up, do you?"

"Most people find tenacity charming."

"Well I like girls."

"Hey, so do I. Not like I expect you to switch teams or anything, that would be silly. I just want to tap that ass. And you can't tell me you're not curious."

"Well…"

"Ha! That's a maybe!"

"That's a 'we'll see.'" Ralph laughed again. "I hadn't thought about it in more than a hypothetical sense before."

"Yeah, reality gets in the way of hypothetical stuff all the time. Darn those laws of physics."

"Not entirely sure what the laws of physics have to do with anal sex, but I know what you mean."

"Really? Man, I don't know what I'm saying half the time. Shouldn't you be in school?"

"Yes."

"Okay, just checking."

zzz

Link got bombarded with questions after lunch, from people who had barely acknowledged his existence last week. They all wanted to know why the princess had suddenly graced him with her presence. Up until then, Link hadn't really believed Zel when she complained about being watched all the time.

He probably owed her an apology.

Luckily, Link had a couple of slightly-unstable friends to help him through it.

"All right people, nothing to see here!" Ralph appeared at his side, wearing a par of cheap sunglasses and scowling almost realistically.

"Move along, move along." Kafei flanked his other side. "There will be plenty of time for questions after class."

"No there won't," Link said. "I'm not answering crap."

"I know, but you don't have to tell _them_ that." He glaced once away from the crowd. "Ralph?"

"What?" Ralph put on his best "innocent" face.

"Where have you been?"

"Oh, you know, around."

"You missed having lunch with Zelda and the girls."

"Oh, I feel bad now."

"You should, it was quite the event."

"No, I meant because that means Malon was the only one there without a paramour."

"You're not considering asking her out, are you?'

"Nah, I'm not her type."

"Don't you mean she's not yours?"

"_Girl_ is my type."

"You stole that line from a movie."

"Guys!" Link exclaimed. "What about class?"

"Oh yeah, whoops." Ralph and Kafei spread out and made a show of escorting Link the ten yards down the hallway to his classroom.

Link rolled his eyes, but couldn't help feeling a teensy bit grateful. "I'll see you guys later."

"See ya. Good luck." Kafei headed off one way, and Ralph started to go the other, but was stopped by a tug at his shirt. He looked down and saw Link pulling a square of paper out of his pocket.

"Either you've been carrying a Cold Stone napkin in your pocket for two weeks, or I know where you went at lunch." Link handed it back to him.

"It's definitely one of those two," Ralph agreed. "So long."

Link just shook his head and smiled.

The rest of the day passed without incident, but there were whispers. Link realized he was probably going to have to live with those whispers for the rest of his life, especially if the succeeded in stopping Ganondorf (not even the imposing Impa could keep _that_ story out of the press). But he could deal with that. It wouldn't be the first time his peers had talked about him behind his back.

He and Zelda met in the hallway at the end of the day. A few words, a quick hug, and they parted ways for their respective rides home.

"You got a letter," Impa said as Zelda slid into the backseat.

"This is unusual?"

"This one is." Impa passed it back before pulling out of the parking lot.

Zelda raised her eyebrows at the address on the envelope, but tore into it immediately.

"'Dear Zelda,'" she read aloud. "'Just thought you'd like to know, some Gerudo slut has been asking questions about you. And I've been answering them. She seems to be involved in some kind of dark magic, though I doubt she's any good at it. Most of it is of a summoning nature, or so I gather from the direction her questions usually take. The only thing I've found of interest is that apparently the "maidens" that so many forbidden spells call for don't actually have to be virgins. Which means you could still be used as a sacrifice despite your…' It degenerates into name-calling there." She scrolled down the page. "Nope nothing else interesting. Not even any new insults. He's slipping."

"Or distracted," Impa muttered. "Doesn't sending you letters violate his restraining order?"

"He's in juvie. What else can we do to him?"

"Point."

"I didn't realized those girls had information about me specifically…although it does make sense that they would want it." She slumped back in the seat and tapped the letter against her chin. "Guess that means we'll have to take counter measures."

"I can set up a perimeter around the house, and you and I should work on some more defensive and healing magics."

"Good idea. Oh! You remember my friend Ralph?"

"Yes."

"He seems to pick up fast on magic. Do you think you could teach him too?"

Impa tilted her sunglasses down and looked at Zelda in the rear-view mirror. "Are you asking me to take time from my job of keeping you alive and well, to teach one of your friends magic?"

"Yes."

"All right, just checking. I'll clear some time this weekend."

"Great!"

"Do you have much homework today? I want to drill you on you self-defense."

"Not much. And I already know what you're going to drill me on. Solar plexus, instep, nose, groin."

"Hmm, so you _do_ listen when I talk."

"There's something else I want to get to work on though."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I have an idea but…do we happen to know exactly where the Master Sword is?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

Ha! Oh man, that was short. Like 99 percent dialogue too. And I keep frgetting to work in a comment about Dark's pink shoes. This was a sort of breather for you guys. A transitional chapter. The next one tosses our poor confused hero head first into action again. ACTION!

Dark has a personality, and interests, beyond sex, but I'm not sure I'm conveying that properly. I'll try to lay off on the manwhore jokes...until Prom Night.

Oh yeah, I'm moving back in with my parents for the summer (much to my own chagrin), so I might be even later then normal on the next one. At least I know exactly what I'm doing. For once.


	18. Bigfoot Tracks Indicate Salsa Lessons!

**Chapter 18. Bigfoot Tracks Indicate Salsa Lessons!**

"Thank you," Link said automatically as he stepped off the bus. The driver muttered something noncommittal in reply and pulled the handle to shut the door. Link stood on the side of the road until the bus was out of sight, then hitched his guitar case higher on his shoulder and set off walking.

It was pretty bare where he'd been let off. A few stands of trees, a farm house or small orchard here and there. But mostly grass and brush and space.

Bit by bit, it gave way to nature. Trees, big ones, became more frequent. The bushes grew thicker, and the grass was completely obscured by fallen leaves and things with flowers. Link was a city boy, he didn't know what any of these plants were called, but there was something peaceful about being surrounded by them. The only sounds were birds and the wind, and the occasional passing car, but those were rare.

Finally, he came to a small path. It wasn't a road, wasn't even a trail, just a place where enough people and vehicles had passed to make a pair of dirt tracks in the foliage. He wouldn't have thought it different from any of the other secluded driveways or hiking trails, except for the low stone blocks on either side of it.

There were leaves on the stones, and moss, but it looked like someone had tried to clean them off at some point. The indentations of old carvings could still be seen, but time and weather had worn away any chance of knowing their meanings.

Link headed down the path.

There were signs of people here too. Candy bar wrappers and a plastic straw. A scrap of lined paper with water-stained words. All Link could make out was a date, November third, and the letters s-h-a-d, but whether that was a name or part of a word he had no idea.

Fifteen minutes of walking brought him to a clearing filled with light and flowers. And, at the back, a huge stone building.

It was square and plain, made of pale stone, and covered in plant growth. There was even a small bush pushing through the stones of the wide steps that led to the entrance. There had once been doors there, Zelda had told him, but they had been removed and put in a museum a long time ago. Link wondered why the doors would be protected and the temple left to rot, but that was bureaucracy for you.

There was a flat round stone in the ground just in front of the temple, but Link couldn't figure out what it was for. It too, had been cleared of plants at some point, but they were growing back.

Apprehensively, Link limbed the steps to the temple. He wasn't sure what he was looking for, but he'd read every legend he could find on the internet when he was supposed to be doing his homework, and Zelda had told him what she knew about the place. Which wasn't much, unfortunately. Apparently the Master Sword moved a lot. There was never any record of who had moved it, but there were powerful magics protecting it, and even the hero who was destined to wield it had to pass a test. Since Link still wasn't convinced he was that hero, he was doubly nervous.

The inside of the temple was one big room; with a simple alter near the back, a few vestigial pillars along the walls, and carvings _everywhere_. Whoever decorated this place had been big on carving.

The wall behind the alter had one of those half-carving half-sculpture things that Link knew he should know the name of, but couldn't be bothered to worry about. It was of the goddesses and the triforce, and near the bottom, a number of figures that were probably meant to be sages or something that was equally important to the artist.

There was no sign of a door, or anything indicating the Master Sword. Not even any carvings that looked like one of the heroes. There were more signs of people though. No garbage, they'd been neat, but he found a pencil, and a rubber band, and in one corner that hadn't been checked properly, a bit of red yarn stuck to the wall with blue painter's tape. It wasn't until he found what looked like a thick paintbrush that Link realized who these people probably were.

Archaeologists.

Well, at least the place hadn't been _completely_ forgotten.

Link went back outside, to see if there was anything he'd missed. He sat down on the flat stone whatever-it-was, and took out the guitar he'd borrowed from Kafei. It had been a long time since he'd played. When Mikau left, he took his guitars with him, and Link couldn't afford one of his own.

He decided to practice the song Zelda had taught him the day before. She didn't explain why, exactly, just that it was important, and might come in handy. He got the feeling she didn't know either. One of those things lost to the mists of time.

It was also her ringtone, for some bizarre reason.

His fingers stumbled over the strings at first. Unfamiliar instrument, unfamiliar notes, but finally one stanza came out absolutely perfect.

And the stone shuddered beneath him.

Link leapt to his feet, grabbing the guitar case and stumbling backward. For the first time, he noticed the faint lines on the stone were a carving of the triforce.

He turned his eyes to the temple, and sure enough, something had changed. The view through the doorway was different somehow, more light, a longer room. And it seemed to almost…flicker slightly. As though it wasn't really there.

Link put the guitar down on the stone, and pried the false back off the case. Kafei hadn't said why he owned a guitar case with a false back, and Link hadn't asked. It was just big enough to hold a short sword and a spare scabbard.

He took the sword and left the rest. There were no people for miles, and Dark had assured him that the monsters still didn't come out in daytime. The image through the doorway grew clearer as he got closer, and it was definitely not the room he'd explored so thoroughly before. He took a steadying breath, and stepped across the threshold.

The room snapped into focus. And…it wasn't a room, exactly. There were walls, Link could feel the "enclosedness" of the space, but he couldn't see them somehow. It wasn't that they were hidden by fog or anything like that, but they were blurry, indistinct. The light was coming from nowhere in particular, filtering down from the ceiling-that-wasn't-a-ceiling. At the far end of the "room" was a short pedestal, with a sword sticking up out of it.

It couldn't be this easy.

He pulled the short sword out of its scabbard. For a moment the voice of Yoda echoed in his head, but, much like Luke, he shook it away. There was danger here, he could feel it.

Somehow, as he walked, the room got darker. The light was still plenty bright around the sword, which didn't seem to be getting any closer for some reason, and Link could still see just fine, but the not-walls were now black instead of gray. And that weird danger-sense he had developed was acting up.

'_Do you fear the darkness, young hero_?' a voice said from nowhere.

Link jumped back and looked around frantically. He saw nothing. Nothing but darkness.

And then a piece of the darkness broke off.

It was shaped like a man, wearing some kind of old-fashioned clothes and a floppy hat, but the shadows clung to him like water, and no details could be seen.

He had a sword though. He very definitely had a sword.

'_Do you fear the darkness_?' the voice said again. It seemed to be coming from the swordsman, but sounded in Link's head without bothering with his ears.

The swordsman raised his sword and moved toward Link, slowly, testing him. He tripped backward, holding the sword awkwardly in front of him. What made him think a sword – any sword – would be any good to him? For Din's sake, he was holding _this_ one like a _baseball bat_!

The swordsman swung at him and Link just barely managed to dodge. This guy had several inches and at least thirty pounds on him. Enough to be worrying, but not enough to give Link a maneuverability advantage. He had experience, a bigger sword, and probably _magic_ on his side. How could Link-

'_Do you fear the darkness_?' Again. '_Do you fear what lurks there_?'

"It's what lurks in the light that I'm afraid of," Link muttered. "The biggest threats hide behind a smile."

The shadowed swordsman laughed. It sounded natural, but had the same weird voice-from-nowhere effect as the words.

He swung at Link again, moving faster, forcing him back. But Link had to move forward. The legends said-

The legends! This was a _test_!

Link had always been good at tests. Pressure seemed to bring out the best in him.

The first thing he did, which he realized he should have done before, was scan the swordsman's stance and the way he held his hands and copy them. The guy seemed to be left-handed too, which made it easier.

The swordsman was close again now, and Link saw him raise the sword. It was coming down toward Link's shoulder, which meant to block his sword had to be – there!

Metal clanged on metal, and the shadows started the melt. For a split second Link thought he saw a pair of wolfish blue eyes and thick blonde hair, then the swordsman melted away too.

Link swallowed hard and started forward. Had he passed the test already?

The shadows faded quickly, leaving the room the same murky gray as before. The sword actually looked closer now, close enough that Link was fairly certain it was, in fact, the Master Sword. He was only about halfway across the room, but nothing had happened yet. The light was bright, the floor was solid, the wind was cool and –

Wind?

"**Do you fear change, young hero?**" This voice seemed to come from everywhere at once, bearing down heavily on Link's ears. The wind blew harder, more harsh, switching directions and pulling at his sword.

He snatched it back and held the sword tight in both hands. The wind moved in front of him, pushing him back.

"**Do you fear change?**"

In front of him, the wind changed, seemed to swirl for a moment, and a figure appeared within it. Another swordsman, this one kept curiously out-of-focus by the wind, like someone viewed through one of those "privacy windows." He looked thin, and short, and was wearing bright green.

His sword was still bigger than Link's though.

He attacked swiftly, and Link had to scramble to remember how to block. The wind stayed at the little guy's back, but other than keeping him blurry it didn't seem to affect him at all. It was almost like this new swordsman was _controlling_ it.

"**Do you fear change?**" he asked, still attacking. "**Do you fear losing your comfortable rhythm? Your pattern? Do you fear not knowing what will happen day after day after day?**"

"Even if I _was_ afraid, it wouldn't matter," Link growled. "Too much has changed already."

He thought he saw the swordsman smile, and in that moment of distraction, Link swung his sword into the heart of the swirl of wind.

The wind scattered and the swordsman vanished with it, but Link thought he'd seen a youthful face and another floppy green hat.

For just that last second, the wind had smelled like salt water.

Link had to fight the urge to run the last hundred yards to the sword, but he knew he wasn't done yet. There was a _point_ to these tests. He had no idea what it was, but there had to be one.

Closer now. Yep, that was the Master Sword all right, no doubt about it. It looked exactly like all the stained glass and engravings on the internet.

"Do you fear the future, young hero?" The voice echoed throughout the room, off walls that only barely seemed to _exist_. It even thrummed in Link's ribs, like standing too close to the speakers at a school dance.

This swordsman appeared from nowhere, just popping up in front of Link while he was recovering from the question.

Link bit back an expletive, and took survey as quick as he could. No flashy tricks here, like the last two. This swordsman was indistinct, but there was nothing obscuring him. He was faded and blurry, like an old photograph. Taller then the last one, shorter then the first one, he was almost _exactly_ Link's height and weight. The floppy hat was still there though, and so was the sword.

He attacked quickly, wildly. There was no time to think, only react. Link was getting good at reacting though.

"Do you fear the future?" the swordsman asked as they exchanged blows. "Do you fear what may come? Do you fear what may not? Young hero, _DO YOU FEAR_?"

"Of _course_ I fear!" Link exclaimed. "Who _wouldn't_ in this situation! But I'm not going to _let_ that fear control me!"

He took control of the battle, swinging his short sword at the blurry swordsman, forcing him back, closer to the Master Sword.

"I fear the darkness, I fear change, I fear my own _thoughts_! I fear every day at school, that I may slip up and do something stupid and make everyone hate me. I fear hurting Zelda, even though a part of me still fears _her_. Princess or cross-dresser, she challenges what I think of myself, what I think the world is supposed to work like. I fear my friends, I fear what Ralph sees in me, I fear what Kafei thinks now that he knows what- who I am. I fear Dark, because of what _he_ is, and because of how much I've come to care about him. But you know what I fear more then all of that? I fear _losing_ them! I fear what will happen if Ganondorf wins. He'll find them and kill them all, and I can't! Let! That! Happen!"

He let his arms fall, and stared, panting, at the blurry swordsman. "So yeah, I'm scared. I'm scared out of my mind. But I'm doing this anyway, because the alternative is worse. And besides," he pushed sweaty bangs out of his eyes and straightened up, "_someone_ has to."

"Well put," the swordsman said, his voice now completely normal, if oddly accented. "_Very_ well put." He cocked his head. "Did you say something about…cross-dressing?"

"The princess, my girlfriend." He shook his head. "It's…sort of complicated."

"I figured it must be." He shrugged. "Well, that's genetics for you."

"Gene-"

"You have passed the trials, young hero." The imperial tone returned to the swordsman's voice, though it stayed at a normal volume. "The Master Sword is yours, as it was once all of ours."

"Yours?" Link repeated. "But-"

"There is one more visitor from the past who wishes to speak with you. He is a hero as well, just as all are who seek to better the world through their actions." The swordsman was fading, but his image sharpened as it did. He tilted his head at Link and smiled softly. "I think you'll want to talk with him too."

He vanished, leaving Link alone.

Except – was it a trick of the light? No, another see-through figure waited, standing just in front of the pedestal that held the Master Sword.

Link approached it cautiously, and as he got closer he saw –

Blonde hair.

Blue eyes.

Nervous smile.

Familiar features.

He'd seen those eyes every day in the mirror, and, more recently, on Dark.

"Hi Dad," Link said simply.

"Hello son," he said.

"You- How are you- I mean, you're dead, right?"

"Yes." He shook his head. "I can't tell you how I got here, but I've been watching over you. I… I'm so proud."

"You've been watching? Then, you know-"

"Everything about you." He smiled. "Like I said, I'm so proud."

"But I've made so many mistakes. I've done so many stupid things… And…I'm, you know, bisexual."

His father laughed. "That? That's nothing. And we've all made mistakes. You're lucky, yours have been small. Your mother and I…" His face grew grim.

"What happened?"

"We were young. We were stupid. Your mother… I've never met anyone so strong. But she wasn't from Hyrule, she was an illegal alien. We'd planned to get married, which would make her a citizen, so she never bothered to do any other paperwork. There was no record of her even _existing_, as far as the Hyrule government knew. And I… I was a cop. Just starting out, only a year on the force. One night, my partner and I stumbled upon a mugging. We chased him, he had friends, they had guns. He'd dropped the purse; we didn't _have_ to chase him, but… I was young, I wanted to bring criminals to justice. I forgot I was living for more then just myself."

He was silent for a long moment.

"No one told your mother. No one knew I was living with her. She found out by going to the station and asking, a week after it happened. I don't think anyone ever found out who she was. I… I didn't even know she was pregnant. _She_ didn't even know.

"It was my apartment, so after I died she had to leave. She was in the country illegally, she had no where to go. Stayed with friends at first, looked for a job. She was so strong, but losing me, and finding out she was going to have to raise a baby alone… It just broke her. She turned everyone away, wound up on the street, trusting no one. I think she was sick, but she couldn't tell. And after you were born she just…gave up. Let herself die. She thought you would be better off with another family, a complete family."

"I wasn't…" Link said softly.

"I know. But it worked out, even if it wasn't the best possible scenario. You're so strong now."

"I'm not! I'm weak, I'm scared. I practically had a nervous breakdown over my own sexuality!"

"I think that's the usual reaction to something like that."

"But… I just wish…"

"I know. I do too. But we can't change the past. Link, my son. Do you know how many kids there are like you, who will never get this chance? Who will never know for sure that their parents loved them?"

"I know…" Link wiped his eyes. "I know, but… I can't help wishing things were different."

"You can't change the past, but it's up to you to build your future. And you can't do that by wishing."

Link sighed. "I know. Thank you Dad."

"Believe me; I'm glad I could do it." He started to fade away, and Link stepped forward.

"Dad? I just have one last question."

"Yes?"

"What- What was your name?"

He smiled, a trifle ironically. "It was Link."

And then he was gone.

Link stared at the spot where he'd stood for a long time. Longer then he should have, probably. Every moment from his childhood, every dream where his father had appeared and taken him away, every story he'd invented about his parents being superheroes or stunt pilots or secret agents. Every time he'd stared at the ceiling in the middle of the night and let the tears run down his cheeks and prayed that no one would hear him.

He wiped his eyes again and sniffed. This wasn't the place. There was no place for self-pity.

He carefully slid the short sword back into the sheath and stepped up to the pedestal. There was only one carving on it, a small triforce around the crevice the Master Sword was stuck in. Link rubbed his hands on his jeans, took a breath, then grabbed hold of the hilt and pulled.

It slid out smoothly, the weight throwing him off-balance for a moment, but nothing he couldn't handle. The blade was bright silver, and the hilt fit perfectly in his grip.

Suddenly, hundreds of hours of playing fantasy RPGs at Ralph's house crashed down at him all at once. He felt like he needed hair cement or a facial scar, NOW.

Maybe one of those floppy green hats would do…

He turned around, and was somehow not surprised to see the weird gray not-room was gone, and he was back in the carving-happy temple.

Outside, the sun had sunk in the sky but it was still hours before dark. The guitar and spare sheath were undisturbed on the flat stone, just as he'd thought. He picked a leaf out of the guitar case and put the short sword in the false back. The Master Sword fit perfectly into the other sheath – it had come from Zelda, after all – but the two of them together wouldn't fit in the guitar case. Oh well. He buckled it across his chest, the weight somehow comforting on his back.

He picked up the guitar case and headed across the clearing. The bus would be coming by again soon, and he wanted to get there quickly so he wouldn't have to wait an hour for the next one. There were things to do, after all. Monsters to stab, worlds to save, princesses to rescue.

He started up the path, singing softly to himself.

"_Estuans interius, ira vehementi. Estuans interius, ira vehementi. Sephiroth, Sephiroth_."

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AN:

I wrote this in one day. The day after I posted the last one, in fact. Told you I knew what I wanted. I like it so much I couldn't wait a full week to post it. Here's hoping it brightens your weeked.

Now about the "test." I hope you all figured out what I was going for there. Should have been fairly obvious. I actually got the idea in the shower. You ever notice you you get a lot of ideas doing stuff like that? Not THAT, just stuff that doesn't require you to think to much. Like, you'll be writing and you'll get up to get a drink and your mind will race ahead and come up with a really good idea? Like that.

The thing with Link's dad came off a little cheesier then I meant it, but I know if _I_ was an omnipotent power it's what_ I_ would want to do. And this is my story, so I kind of AM an omnipotent power in it...

Dude.

So yeah. Chapter! Woo! Next one after this will be another break in the action, the we start the final run. Oh, there WILL be blood.

In Twilight Princess news, dude what the hell is up with Zant? I thought he was cool, then he starts hopping around and making noises like a crazy chicken. Nut job. Ganny's really lowered his standards.

Dude, I need sleep.


	19. I Accidently Dug a Gravity Well!

**Chapter 19. "I Accidently Dug a Gravity Well!"**

"What is it with men and swords?" Malon asked. "Besides the obvious of course."

They were all gathered in Cold Stone Creamery, an hour before it opened. Malon, Link, Dark, Zelda, Kafei, Ralph, and even Anju. It had been decided by a general consensus, that since she was the friend of two of them and the girlfriend of a third, she should be brought up-to-date on the status of monsters and whether they existed.

Link had already regaled them with the tale of his retrieval of the Master Sword, and the other guys had started fighting over it as soon as he whipped it out.

"Swords are cool," Link shrugged. "They're pretty basic weapons, but they can be made decorative, or imposing, or just plain cool."

"Sure, but they're outdated."

"I never took you for a gun-lover, Malon."

"I'm not! I guess I just don't understand _any_ weapons."

"This from the girl who took down a Moblin with a broom!" Dark grinned and wrenched the sword from Kafei's grasp. "Here, give it a swing."

"I- I don't know." She backed away from the proffered weapon. "I mean, it looks heavy. I've got weak little girl arms."

"Yeah, I'm gonna call bullshit on that." He grabbed her wrist and pressed the sword into her hand. "Hold it or it drops on your foot."

She wrapped her fingers around it reluctantly. "You are so weird sometimes."

"Yeah, but that's why everyone loves me." He let go of the sword and stepped back. Malon looked at it, still nervous.

"How do I hold this thing?"

"One hand, like this," Link held his out, demonstrating, and Malon tried to copy.

"Woah," she said, eyes widening. "Damn. I feel like…I need to go hunt down some slimes or something."

"_Exactly_!" Dark crowed.

"Slimes?" Anju asked.

"Video game thing," Zelda said. "Apparently Malon's been keeping secrets."

"Hey, just because I didn't mention that I like video games doesn't mean I was keeping it a secret." Malon jerked her head at the boys. "Not like you and your double life here."

"You're gonna throw that in my face until we die, aren't you?"

"Or until you get some dirt on me too. And good luck finding some."

"Hmph."

"So what happens now?" Anju asked. She'd been keeping mostly silent; assimilating the information she'd been given. "We know what's going on and who's behind it. So…what do we do about it?"

"We probably should do something, huh?" Zelda sighed.

"I've got the sword," Link gestured at it.

"You've got the sword," she agreed. "But what do we do with it? We can't just…lead an attack against the sorority house."

"We could if Nabs was here!" Dark said. "She would know the weaknesses and stuff."

"I just don't think that's a good idea." Zelda shook her head. "We don't know what we're up against with these girls. They've already summoned two legendary creatures, and we know they're in communication with Ganondorf. If we attack them…even with the Master Sword, I don't trust our chances."

"Not to mention the whole, _we're teenagers_ thing," Kafei said dryly.

"There's that, yes."

"_You guys_ are teenagers." Dark took a seat on the table. "I have no idea how old I am. But it's like three hundred at least." He glanced at Ralph. "Teenager at heart though."

"Of course you are." Zelda rolled her eyes.

Ralph laughed. "I believe it. Hell, I'd believe it if he told me he was six at heart."

"Aww," Dark grinned.

"You've been playing with glitter, haven't you?"

Dark looked at his hands. "Maybe."

"That reminds me." Zelda leaned forward. "Nice shoes."

"They're comfy!"

"They're _pink_," Link said.

"That too. What's wrong with pink?"

"I don't know…I just thought it was the exact opposite of black."

"I've worn pink before. One of my skull shirts has pink on it."

"But…shoes?"

"They're Converse!"

Ralph laughed. "You know you're basically gay, right?"

"Yeah. I've accepted that. I'm a gay guy who happens to like pussy as much as he likes cock." He thought about it. "Almost as much. I dunno, I've never been able to make up my mind about that."

"Doesn't seem like the kind of thing you would need to spend too much time on,"

"_You_ might not."

"Can we not talk about Dark's love life for five minutes?" Kafei snapped. "We're supposed to be planning how, like, not to die."

"Kafei has a point," Link admitted. "We don't know what they've got, or when it's all going to go down."

"All we can really do is prepare," Zelda said. "We need to have weapons at all times, just in case. Kafei, how are you doing?"

"Well, I thought about getting a gun, but I'd need parental permission. My parents haven't involved themselves in my life since I was ten, I'm not about to encourage them to start now."

"Fair enough. So…tire iron?"

"And I found a crowbar in the garage."

"What about…transportation?"

"The van is totaled, but you knew that," he grumbled. "I'll have to get a job to get a new one, not to mention how much my insurance has gone up."

"Can't you borrow your mom's car?"

"She uses it. With her clubs and meetings and public service and everything. And my dad's at work all day. I am officially transportationless."

"What about prom?"

"The limo's been booked for weeks." He smiled at Anju, and she smiled back.

"Ralph," Zelda said.

He was staring at Dark, who had his hands clasped between his knees and a carefully blank expression on his face.

"Ralph?"

"Mnn?"

"How are the magic lessons going?"

He wrenched his eyes away and looked at her. "Your bodyguard is scary as all hell," he said, "but she's a good teacher. I can already do fire, and some kind of shield thing. She says next time she'll show me how to do blades."

"The trick is keeping them solid long enough to actually cut something," she suggested.

"I'll keep that in mind."

"Malon?" Zelda turned to her. "Do you have a plan?"

"Do any of us?"

"Well, do you have a weapon?"

"I have a mace."

"I don't know how much good that's going to do against monsters. I mean you'd have to get close to it, and some of them don't even have eyes."

"You weren't listening," Malon smirked. "I don't have mace, I have _A_ mace. You know, big spiked metal ball."

The rest of the group stared at her.

"_Where_ did you get a _mace_?" Link asked, stunned.

"Internet."

"You bought it?"

"I had three hundred dollars that I was planning on spending on prom. But with Ye Olde Legends theme I wound up spending less then fifty on fabric to make my dress. And dinner is being paid for by my date."

"I didn't know you had a date," Zelda sounded just a little bit hurt.

"Just a friend. He doesn't go to our school."

Ralph shot her a look, then went back to staring at Dark.

"What about me?" Anju asked. "What can I do?"

Zelda thought for a moment. "You can be in charge of first aid. Get one of those big-ass kits and keep it with you. Your cell phone too."

"Everyone who has a cell phone, keep it with you and turned on," Link added. "Do you all have each other's numbers?"

"I think so," Anju said. "Link, don't you have one?"

"No. Can't afford it. No one calls me anyway."

"I do!" Zelda protested.

"All right, you do. No one else."

"Well we would if we had a reason," Ralph snapped, eyes still fixed on Dark's hands. "You're with us whenever you're not at work."

"All right, all right."

"Anju, you should have a weapon too," Zelda said. "Just anything you can hit someone with."

"I think I have a really big flashlight."

"That's something."

"You can borrow my tire iron," Kafei offered.

"Okay!"

"Okay," Zelda relaxed. "That's all we can do for now I think."

"What about me?" Dark said.

"What _about_ you? You can look after yourself. Don't you have crazy shadow powers or something?"

"Not really. I couldn't use them if I did."

"What? Why not?"

He shrugged, hands still clamped between his knees. "As long as I stay in a completely human body, Ganondorf can't find me. I'm just one mind among thousands. But if I go to my natural form or try to use my abilities, he'll be able to sense it. I _am_ a creature of darkness after all, and he has control over that."

"Is that why your hands are burned?" Ralph asked softly.

"What?" Link exclaimed. He jumped up and reached for Dark's arm. "What happened?"

"Well, ah…" he grinned sheepishly. "I kind of shouldn't have touched the Master Sword."

Malon was still holding it in her lap, and looked down at it in horror.

"_What_?" Link exclaimed again.

"I'm a creature of darkness!" he said. "The Master Sword is a thing of light! It is specifically designed to hurt things like me."

"But you're not evil!"

"No, I'm not. Darkness isn't always evil, and light isn't always good. But they _are_ opposites, and darkness isn't as…picky as light."

"Picky?"

"Light magic can only be used by people with good intentions. But you humans have a saying about good intentions, don't you?"

"Yes," Link admitted. "And sometimes there are crazy people who think what they're doing is right when no one else would agree."

"Exactly. Dark magic can be used by anybody for anything."

"What's the magic I've been learning?" Ralph asked suddenly.

"It's just magic," Zelda said. "Raw energy. It doesn't have an alignment. Most doesn't."

"Good to know."

"Ganondorf is a master of dark magic," Dark said. "So much so that he can bend creatures of darkness to his will. That's why I'm here in the first place. He asked me to work for him, I said no, he pulled me away from my home and put me here."

"Your home?" Link said. "You've never said…"

"It's hard to explain…" He stared at the floor, thinking. "We don't really have a name for it, no one does. It's not a world like others. It's not a world at all. It's more like…an airport."

"An _airport_?" Link repeated, incredulous.

"Sort of. People travel through it on their way to other places. Sometimes they use it for something, sometimes they work there, but no one actually lives there. Not even my people. We're…not creatures of worlds, really. We're shadows. An interruption of light. No one would believe we could think, be alive, but," he shrugged again, "we are.

"We're not like you, we can't be. We don't have organs or language. Nothing like that. I can't explain it in words, because we don't _have_ words. No names, or anything like that."

"You don't have a name?"

"Nope."

"But…what do you call each other?"

"We don't. We don't have language. We communicate through…I don't know, thoughts or something. Maybe it's light, but the world between worlds doesn't have light. It doesn't have anything solid worlds do."

"How do you live?"

"We just do. We just are. We travel a lot, sure. Going to other worlds. This world is known as the Light World to others, did you know that?"

"Then is there a Dark World?"

"Yep. But there's lots more then those two. Like- You remember the Hero of Light?"

"Oh yeah, sure. His legend had a lot to do with the Twilight Realm."

"Right. And there's others too. Worlds a lot like this one, just with different governments or history or dominant species. This world is probably one of the most diverse around. Of course, with inbreeding you'll all soon be the same race anyway." He glanced around the room. "You guys are mostly Hylians, right?"

"I've got a lot of human in me," Ralph said.

"I'm part Sheikah," Kafei added smugly.

"You are?" Link said. "I didn't know that."

"Hadn't you ever wondered why I have red eyes?"

"You have red eyes?"

"I have red eyes," Dark said.

"But you're a shadow…thing." Kafei frowned. "You really don't have a name? For your race or anything?"

"Nope. If you were to try and translate it to words it would just mean… 'us.'"

"And when you're trying to address someone?"

"'Hey you.'"

"Weird."

"Maybe to you, but to me it's weird trying to filter my thoughts through language. It's so much easier when you can just _think_ and everyone knows what you mean."

"I guess that explains why you talk so much."

"No, that's just me." He flashed a grin. "Don't go judging the whole race by my bad example. All my siblings are much more reserved then I am."

"You have siblings?" Kafei exclaimed, horrified.

"Six of them."

"_Six_?"

"How many brothers and how many sisters?" Ralph asked, smiling.

"Neither…or both. We're asexual."

"Now _that_ explains a lot." Ralph laughed.

"So you're not really a guy?" Kafei asked.

"Sort of… I've been both, when I lived with the hippies? And I prefer being a guy. Since my natural form doesn't have reproductive organs, or anything solid, that's as close as I can get."

"But- but- How do you, you know? Make more shadows?"

"When one shadow dies, it sort of…splits off into a bunch of new shadows. Like we don't really die, we just…break."

"That's weird."

"That's the way it is."

Kafei shook his head and slumped against the table. "The world isn't the way I thought it was."

"Nope."

He took a couple of deep breaths. "Everyone else is fine with this? No one freaking out?"

"Not really," Ralph was still grinning.

"I kind of knew most of this already," Malon admitted.

"Ditto," Zelda said. "Been researching the legends like crazy lately."

"Waaaaaay too much freaky stuff has been happening lately," Link said. "I'm just riding it."

"All right then. Okay." Kafei took another deep breath. "I'm gonna got get Dark some burn cream. Maybe scream a little."

"Have fun."

"Could you get me some aspirin too?" Dark asked. "Like, a lot. It didn't hurt at first but now my arms up to my elbows are throbbing."

"Yeah, sure." He shoved his chair back and headed out the door.

"Wait!" Anju jumped up. "Sorry guys, it's just- You know."

"He shouldn't be alone," Ralph agreed.

"Right," she ran after him.

"Is he going to be okay?" Dark asked. "I don't like to break people."

"You do it a lot," Link said.

"I don't try! I just don't think before I speak. Or…ever. Or…" He stopped. "Again, don't judge the entire race on me. I'm dumb as hell."

"You should work on that."

He smiled weakly. "If I have time."

"Are you okay?"

"No." He held his hands up, so they could see the blisters on his palms. "Anyone know what I'm supposed to do for this?"

"Yes," Malon pushed her chair back. "Do you have a sink in the back?"

"Yeah."

"Come on then."

"Do you have butter?" Ralph asked.

"I don't know, maybe. I put all kinds of stuff in Navi's minifridge."

"We'll look."

Malon handed the Master Sword back to Link, and they all trooped off to the back room.

Zelda took the sword from him and held it up, examining it carefully. "It looks so… real."

"I know what you mean."

"Do you think it's going to be enough?"

"I don't know… All this destiny stuff, it's confusing the hell out of me. But if it's destiny, then it's supposed to happen, right?"

"Right."

"So all I have to do is try my best, and it will all work out."

"I think you'll have to try pretty damn hard."

"I intend to."

"Then…that's all we can do."

She leaned against his shoulder and they stared at nothing.

"Kafei has a point," Link said. "The world…isn't supposed to be like this. People from the past shouldn't be allowed to be called up by stupid college girls and threaten the world."

"That's why we're doing what we're doing. To stop that from happening."

"I guess you're right. But if you don't mind, I'll just say I'm doing this because I don't want anyone to die."

"That works too."

The bell on the front door jingled and Navi came in, looking pissed off as usual.

"We don't open for twenty minutes," Link said quickly.

"I know." She nodded at Zelda. "Your Highness."

"Hi."

"Where's Dark?"

"In the back," Link jerked his head toward the doorway. "He, um, burned his hands."

Navi's stern demeanor melted a little. "What happened?"

"Well, this." He gestured toward the Master Sword.

Navi's bright eyes widened."Is that-"

"Yes."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"But we hid it so _well_!"

"We?" Zelda repeated.

Navi stood very still for a moment. "I gotta go!" she exclaimed, and took off out the door.

Dark and the other two returned from the back room, Dark with a damp paper towel wrapped around each hand.

"Did I hear Navi?" he asked, nervous.

"Yeah, but she ran off when she saw the sword."

"Got to report to the powers that be, probably."

"What _is_ Navi? I know she's not human, but I've never been able to figure out what she _is_."

"Eh," Dark shrugged. "That's not up to me to tell you. I'm sure she'll let you know in her own time."

"Oh well. I think I've had my fill of weirdness for one day. Let's just be normal for a while." He smirked. "As normal as you _can_ be anyway."

"Fair enough." Dark agreed. He held up his hands. "I'm not sure how much good I'll be when it comes to working."

"Oh, right, well…"

"I'll call Tael."

"Okay. As long as you promise not to flirt too much."

"I promise nothing!"

Zelda kissed Link's cheek and grabbed her purse. "We'll let you guys get started then."

"Take care," he said seriously.

"You too," she nodded.

She, Ralph and Malon made their goodbyes and headed out.

"You think Kafei's really going to come back with burn cream?" Dark asked.

"Who knows?"

"I like him you know. I don't think he likes me much, but I like him. I like all your friends."

"They're good guys," Link agreed.

"You have good taste. Well," he gave a little half smile, "in friends at least."

"Where do I have _bad_ taste?"

"Oh, you know…" He was grinning.

"No! No I don't! Explain yourself!"

"It's just…"

"What?"

"A _polo_ shirt, Link?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"It's a polo shirt!"

"This from a man in pink shoes!"

"I like my pink shoes! Besides, I'm basically gay, I'm allowed to challenge gender roles."

"You're not challenging crap, you just look like a goth clown."

"You take that back!"

"Make me!"

Dark made a fist and pulled it back, then swore and cradled it to his chest. "No fair! I'm injured."

Link laughed. "I was wondering if that would work, and it did."

Dark grumbled and adjusted his paper towel.

"Hey Dark?"

"Mm."

"There's something I've been wondering."

"What?"

"Have you ever thought about getting in contact with your old friends? The hippies?"

Dark stared down at his hand for a moment, and when he spoke it was in a soft voice. "I... thought about it. I actually went to the library and tried to look them up just a couple days after I got here. But when I found out what happened to a couple of them...I couldn't keep looking."

"Why? What happened?"

"The two I was closest with, Forest and Ocean. They died. Twenty years ago. In a car accident. They had a son and he died too, just a couple years later." He rubbed the non-burned portion of his hand. "You humans, mortals. You die so easily, so soon. I've lived for a long long time, I literally have no idea how long. And all the friends I've ever had outside of my own family have died. And it hurts. Every single time."

Link stood there, thinking. Finally he just put his hand on Dark's shoulder.

"I don't know what happens to people after they die," Link said. "But...I saw my father's ghost yesterday."

Dark looked at him in surprise. "You didn't tell the others."

"It was private. But I... I wanted you to know. Because it means that a part of us does go on after we die. And you will see all your friends again some day." He smiled wryly. "Even if it takes you longer then other people."

"Yeah..." He looked away, then put his hand lightly on top of Link's. "You remember that too, okay?"

"I will."

The door dinged again and Kafei and Anju came in. "I got bagels too," Kafei said. "You look like you weigh about twenty pounds less then Link. That can't be healthy."

Dark brightened up. "Aren't you sweet!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody else left?"

"Navi showed up," Link said. "Scared everyone away."

"She'll do that. We'll see you guys later then."

"Later."

"Bye!" Dark waved. He dug into the bag. "Oooh, asiago cheese!"

"And burn cream."

"And lox!"

"And bandages."

"I _think _bagels take precedence over my health," Dark huffed.

Link laughed helplessly. "If you say so."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

A Note About Race:

WHN takes place in the future of Hyrule. All the races, including the Rito, exist. Ordon City (not actually the same place from Twilight Princess, but named after it) is mostly human and Hylian, with the other three races being minorities. In other cities, however, humans are the minority. The term "human," is now a catch-all term for humans, Hylians, Gerudo and Sheikah. There's been a lot of inter-breeding. So much so that almost no one is 100 percent anything. The exception is the Gerudo. A Gerudo is always a Gerudo, no such thing as being half. Because Gerudo always have female children, right? It doesn't matter who the father is, the child will always be a Gerudo. Genetics or some shit. I'm trying to justify things that don't make sense here, and I think I've done a mostly-decent job.

Chapter Notes:

Talk talk talk. This was another filler chapter. We've reached the beginning of the end. Only about...five or six more. And all part of the same day, except for the epilogue (that's not giving too much away, right?).

I tried not to talk about Dark's "love life," I really did! But it crept in there. At least I finally mentioned the pink shoes (inside joke!).

Mmmmm...bagels...


	20. Cavemen Invented Rock Music!

**Chapter 20. New Discovery Proves Cavemen Invented Rock Music!**

Prom. The very word resonates in the hearts of all high-schoolers, current and former. It is the alpha, the omega, the ultimate. It makes girls spend three hundred dollars on shoes, and twice that on a dress. It makes young men rent tuxedos and limos and hotel rooms. It is the climax of all teen movies, and the social event that most students have been waiting for their entire school careers.

It is almost always a let down.

Link took the day off on Saturday to prepare. Zelda offered to do everything, but Link had fallen victim to that affliction that so often takes over males, and insisted it was his job. So he spent the morning finishing up his costume, and the rest of the day running all over town to get flowers and a limo and a reservation for dinner.

He was rather proud of the costume. It had been easy enough to make, since he'd been sewing for years. It was one of those things you had to know how to do, if you didn't have anyone to do it for you. He'd found a pattern at Wal-Mart, for a Halloween costume, and added a few details to make it different.

One thing the costume didn't have was the intricately decorated and distinctly solid scabbard that Link slung across his back. There was a fairly decent copy of the Master Sword in the picture on the package, but the real thing was somehow more...real. Plastic is not metal, not matter how you look at it.

After that, things got blurry. He knew he _somehow _managed to arrange everything, but always felt like he was on the edge of panic. Jumping at shadows, hearing things. A few weeks ago he would have assumed he was being paranoid. Today, he brought the Master Sword wherever he went.

And then it was two in the afternoon, and he had nothing to do.

zzz

Dark woke up in a dumpster. This was not unusual, since he had been having Problems with his landlady (three years of Beat Poetry had given Dark the tendency to capitalize words he Thought were Important. It probably said a lot about his Personality that he did not Capitalize his own Name in his head, but did the word Darkness). What _was _unusual was that he could not remember how he got there.

Although the fact that his mouth tasted like feet and he smelled like things he really did _not _want to identify was probably a clue.

He stared at the little strip of sky he could see until it stopped spinning, then made his way Painfully Slowly out of the dumpster and onto the pavement beneath it. Then he stopped to let _that _spin for a while.

There was something in his mouth, pebbles or beads or something. He spat them onto his hand, and saw clear plastic-looking little pellets. Silica gel, the stuff they put in new shoes to keep them new.

He'd eaten something that came in a package that was clearly labeled DO NOT EAT.

Dark had learned several things while among the hippies, other then freeform poetry and how to make bitchin' flower crowns. Chief among them was that he Should Not Drink. Or take any kind of drugs, for that matter. It had to do with not normally having a body. A normal human has years and years for his body to adjust to all the minor toxins that he ingests on a daily basis. Dark had _no _resistance to _any _kind of mind-altering substance at _all_.

He still remembered waking up after his six-day acid trip in that tree, naked, with Forest and Ocean camping out beneath him. None of the hippies ever offered him acid again. And they'd never even _tried _to give him peyote.

Alcohol lowered inhibitions. Dark did not have any inhibitions to begin with. This was a dangerous combination, and led to stupid dares, kareoke, and nudity. Usually all three, sometimes all at once.

That explained the silica gel, and probably also why he was wearing strange pants and no underwear. At least none of his nether regions were sore. Dark was trying to stop the mindless sex; he'd been lied to about age and marital status _far _too often.

His head hurt, he was probably poisoned, and he was covered in what he hoped was just garbage juice.

And he didn't know why.

That was another reason Dark Should Not Drink. He could never _remember _what happened afterward. He knew there must have been a very good reason he drank something alcoholic in the first place, but he didn't know what that was. Was he depressed about his upcoming death? Unlikely, since Dark Strongly Disapproved of moping. There was nothing wrong with being sad, of course, but you didn't wallow in sadness. You mourned and moved on.

Apparently he'd mourned last night, so today it was time to move on.

Dark shoved himself as upright as he could get and stumbled off in the direction he hoped was home. He had Things to Do.

zzz

Evening finally rolled around. The sky was clear, so the sunset shaded peacefully from blue to purple to pink to gold without the interference of those pesky clouds that always turned bright orange and stole the glory.

The limo pulled up to Link's house exactly on time, but twenty minutes after he'd been ready. He had a quick nervous discussion with the driver, who laughed at him and assured him he'd seen it all. Then Link got in the back and tried not to fidget too much as they drove to Zelda's home.

They passed the college on the way, and Link couldn't help but stare. It looked so...normal. Peaceful. Not like the stomping grounds of a group of girls trying to end the world. There was construction going on, again. It seemed like they'd been adding buildings to the campus since before Link had moved to Ordon City. The latest, he remembered from one of Dark's sugar-fueled rants at work, was supposed to be a science building. Lots of windows, but lots of steel and concrete as well. Link knew it was supposed to be a specific architectural style, but it had always looked ugly to him.

There was flickering light in one of the lower windows.

Link turned his head and stared after it as they passed, but the strange feeling he'd gotten from it faded as soon as they turned a corner. Because they were getting close to the gated community now, and the nervousness was returning. Did he look all right? Should he have done something different with his hair? Would his outfit clash with Zelda's? Was it too shabby? Oh gods, it was too shabby wasn't it? Why did he ever think-

"We're here!" the driver called back cheerfully.

When had _that _happened?

Link was out of the limo and at the front door before he realized it. Thank the gods his body tended to move on instinct. His hands had even remembered to grab the corsage.

One of the guards standing by the door was the same one who had been there the day Link had his little breakdown. He gave Link an encouraging smile before speaking into the mike on his collar.

Long before Link was ready, the door opened.

Impa stared down at him, imposing as ever.

"Um, hi," Link said, then mentally slapped himself on the forehead.

"Hello," she nodded. "The princess is ready."

"Oh! Oh, sorry. I mean, I thought I was on time, I didn't-"

"Relax." She held out a hand. "The princess has been ready for an hour."

"Oh. Oh..." He laughed nervously. "All right then."

"Come on in," she stepped aside and gestured him toward the living room.

Zelda was standing in front of the couch, not quite pacing back and forth, but far from still. She froze in mid-step when she saw Link in the doorway, and a look of complete panic took over her face.

Oddly, knowing that Zelda had been nervous gave Link his confidence back. He smiled at her, and she returned it.

"You look great," he said. It was true. She had gone full-out fantasy princess for her costume. Gloves and layers and gold embroidery. Her bodice was a soft color somewhere in between pink and lavender, and her skirt and gloves creamy white. Her hair gleamed as gold as the tiara that held it out of her face.

"You too," she said, blushing prettily. "So...shall we?"

"Lets."

"Be good," Impa said simply as they passed her.

"We will," Zelda reassured her with a wave of her hand.

"Will we really?" Link murmured.

"Are we ever?"

They both tried not to laugh, an edge of hysteria creeping into their muffled giggles. The chauffeur chuckled as well, but gave a polite nod to the princess.

"So where are we going?" Zelda asked once they were on the way.

"Well...I remembered you said something about not liking fancy restaurants so... Denny's."

Zelda laughed. "Perfect!"

They weren't the only prom-goers there, that much was clear as soon as the limo got close. Three girls in matching tunics were gathered in the parking lot, giggling, and a girl with an apron and a guy in a floppy hat were at the door. The driver held the door open as Link and Zelda got out, then wandered off to talk with the two other drivers sitting in the grass.

The Denny's was brightly lit, but in such a way that everything outside it was made harder to see. So it wasn't until Link and Zelda were nearly on top of them that they recognized the couple near the door as Malon and Dark.

Dark was wearing a near-identical outfit to Link's, except it was all black. The hem of his tunic was a bit shorter, so it looked like a mini-skirt, and his boots had a few more buckles then were truly necessary. Malon, on the other hand, looked like the farm girl from the cover of a cheesy romance novel. A simple blouse and skirt, fitted to show off her curves, a patterned apron and a handkerchief around her neck. The only thing that didn't quite fit the image was the circlet of flowers perched on her head.

"See?" Dark exclaimed. "I told you I wasn't the only person who would think of coming here."

"All right, all right," Malon agreed. "But I still think you're just addicted to that blueberry syrup."

"There's no shame in that."

Link regained the ability to speak first. "What...are you _doing _here?"

"We were just getting some food before heading to the school," Malon shrugged. "I'm on the planning committee, so I've got to be there early to make sure everything got set up okay."

"And _I_ want to have words with the DJ," Dark grinned.

"You know," Link said cautiously. "When most people use the phrase 'have words,' they're talking about an argument."

"I said what I said."

"How are your hands?" he asked softly.

"Better!" He pulled off one black glove and showed him. "Still pink in places, but I can move 'em fine."

"That's good." Link glanced at Zelda. "Um, are _you _okay?"

"Malon!" she exclaimed.

"What?" Malon said, though it was clear she knew.

"Why- You- Dark! Why?"

Malon shrugged again. "I needed a date. And you know Dark would have wormed his way into prom somehow. At least this way he won't get kicked out...that soon."

Dark gave a thumbs up. "I am _so _outing your art teacher."

"I...I really don't want to know any more about that."

"You really don't," Dark agreed.

Link frowned, taking a good look at Dark's clothes for the first time. "Why are you dressed like me?"

"Why not?"

"It was my idea," Malon said. "I knew you were dressing as the hero, and since Dark really is your shadow-double, I thought it would be cool if he dressed the part too."

"And you?"

"I'm the innocent farm girl who gets seduced by the dark side."

"Ah, but of course."

"Where did you get that?" Zelda asked, pointing at Malon's head.

"Dark made it!" Malon grinned. "Who knew he actually had skills!"

"Hey, I have skills!" Dark exclaimed. "I am a damn good kisser."

"Eh," Link shrugged. "I've had better."

Everyone stared at him.

"I mean... Oops?"

Dark burst out laughing.

"I don't want to know," Zelda said firmly. She grabbed Link by the hand and pulled hiom toward the door.

"There were extenuating circumstances, I swear."

"Don't care! Don't want to know!"

Malon shook her head. "Do _I_ want to know?"

"There _were _extenuating circumstances..." Dark admitted.

"That's good enough then. Come on."

They walked down the streets, talkign about nothing and admiring the sunset. Both had backpacks that clanked as they walked, and they passed several other people in costumes on the way. A few blocks from the high school, as the last rays of the sun disappeared below the horizon, Dark swayed and Malon grabbed his arm.

"You okay?"

"Yeah..." he muttered. "I mean, I will be."

"Is it-" She glanced around and lowered her voice. "Him?"

Dark nodded. "Tonight's the night."

She inhaled sharply. "We should tell the others."

"No!" He straightened up and swayed again, collapsing into Malon's arms. "No..." he said, softer. "Not yet. The big stuff won't be happening until at least midnight. Just try to enjoy the night."

"How _can _I when I know the world may very well end in a few hours?"

"Hell, I've known _my _world's going to end for months, and that doesn't stop me from enjoying myself."

Malon stiffened. "You're not going to die, Dark. You can't."

"Don't tell me what I can and can't do." He straightened up again, and this time managed to stay that way.

"Dark..."

"I know, I know. I'm being defeatist." He grinned, the nervous little grin he always gave when something was wrong but he didn't want anyone to know how very wrong it was. "I'm going to fight. And I know you'll fight with me. But we have to accept the fact that...it might not be enough."

Malon stared at the sidewalk. "It's just...you know. I like you. And stuff."

Dark grabbed her and hugged her tight. "You're a wonderful person Malon. You're smart and beautiful and you deserve the very best. And don't you _dare _ever let anyone ever tell you different. Not even yourself."

Malon clung to him. "I won't. Not ever."

"All righty then!" He released her and grinned, a real one this time. "Now let's go prepare to party! I need a microphone and access to the song request list. I'ma make this prom my _bitch_."

zzz

Two Grand Slams later, Zelda and Link climbed back into the limo and rode the few blocks to the high school. The sky was violet and blue, without a single cloud to obscure the stars. Music was audible all the way out to the parking lot, and the broad stairs in front of the entrance were scattered with young people in archaic costumes. It was like a fairy tale come to life.

Well, except for the gym teacher standing by the door patting people down.

The prom had officially started a little while ago, so there was a huge crowd in the cafeteria. Malon's team of decorators had done a good job, obscuring the more obviously cafeteria-ish parts of the room with branches and camouflage nets. They looked like the types of things pot growers used to hide their crops. Link chose not to think too hard about where Malon had gotten them.

The DJ was set up on a platform in the corner, flanked by balloons and glitter. Link had absolutely no doubt that the man's original playlist had consisted of modern songs with a sprinkling of boy bands, but was now more along the lines of "Best Hits of the 80's." As if to prove his point, the song now pumping from the speakers was "Tainted Love."

They saw Kafei and Anju dancing at the other end of the room, then a waving arm drew them toward a corner. Ralph, Malon, and Dark had already claimed a table, and spread it with backpacks and coats to dissuade potential squatters.

"How's it going?" Link shouted over the music.

"I haven't been kicked out yet!" Dark replied with a grin.

"Good enough," Link laughed.

They shoved their bags under the table and sat down.

"You came alone?" Link asked Ralph.

"Meh," he shrugged. "I wanted to come. And I couldn't find a girl that wouldn't ask why I brought a backpack full of sports gear."

"Good point."

"Any decent snacks?" Zelda asked.

"Not really. Cookies and punch."

"Is the punch safe?" She shot a glance at Dark.

"Yes! Gods, what do you people think I am?"

"Crazy?"

"Okay, yes. But I wouldn't do that!"

The song ended and another started, this time from the Foreigner library.

"Let's boogie," Zelda said.

Link grinned. "Let's."

All five of them trooped out to the dance floor, and soon were bouncing and whirling to the music. Songs passed, and each one brought more people to dance alongside them. Dark had good taste.

The prom seemed to be a success, overall. Certainly Link and his friends enjoyed it. They danced, they talked, they ate cookies and drank punch. Before anyone realized it, more than an hour had passed.

The group had scattered during that time. Link, Zelda, Ralph, Anju, and Kafei were gathered near the refreshments when the first slow song in a long time came on. Zelda pulled Link away, and Anju did the same with Kafei. Ralph poked at the cookies.

Dark came up behind him and slung his arm around his friend's shoulders.

"'Sup, Red?"

"Hey Dark," Ralph said.

"Enjoying the view?" he nodded toward the happy couples.

"Kinda. I mean, I like seeing my friends happy, but…you know…"

"Yeah."

He glanced around. "Where's Malon?"

"Comforting a crying girl. She gives good busty mom hugs."

"I can imagine."

They stood there for a moment, watching the dancers, listening to the sappy music.

"This is boring," Dark announced. "Wanna go do it in the freshmen bathroom?"

Ralph thought about it for a few seconds. "Yeah, all right."

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

HAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!#gasppantwheeze#haHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

[/maniacal laughter

Okay, so I'm not going to talk about that last little exchange, but I feel I owe you an apology for the shortness. It's hard to write about dances! Ntohing _happens_, you just dance and hang out. Plus, they're kind of boring. I much prefer con dances. I am not ashamed to admit that I am a total con whore. I mean, I will bump and grind with _anybody_. Last year I got it on with a female Reno cosplayer, a Luffy, and one chick who put even MY rack to shame. She knew all the words to Tainted Love.

Speaking of which, I'm going to Kumori Con! It's in Vancouver this year (as opposed to Portland) so if any of you are anywhere near that, let me know. I'll give you a free sketch. I want attention, okay?

I'll try to have the next chapter up in a hurry, so don't freak out TOO much.


	21. Alien Assassins Created the Ninja!

**Chapter 21. Alien Assassins Created the Ninja!**

The prom was jumping. That was the best word for it, especially considering how many people's dance style consisted entirely of bouncing up and down.

But not everyone was having a good time. Malon had spent twenty minutes attempting to comfort her friend Cremia, before giving up and telling her to get over herself. Malon Strongly Disapproved of pining over boys. She had reasons.

She'd gone outside to get some air and escape the pounding music, and found the young man that the rest of the school had dubbed "emo boy" staying true to his name.

She didn't even try with him.

But she stood at the top of the stairs and looked at the sky. It was so pretty, so peaceful. Hard to believe she might never see it again. Dark seemed pretty certain that _he_ would never see it again. What he'd said before they got to the school...it sounded like a goodbye.

The man himself came strolling up the sidewalk, Ralph at his side. Ralph was walking sort of funny, and his hair was mussed under his ridiculous hat.

Malon laughed to herself. She wasn't the only one Dark had been saying goodbye to.

Inside, Zelda and Anju had joined a group of girls to shake what their respective mama's had given them. Link and Kafei, not having the boundless energy of their girlfriends, were sitting at the table and making a plastic cup castle.

"Impressive," a voice said. They turned and saw Ralph grinning at them. He pulled out a chair and sat down, wincing just a bit.

"Hey, where have you been?" Kafei asked. "I haven't seen you in, like, an hour."

"I was hanging out with Dark," he said. "We went and got slushies after he took my ass-virginity. Totally freaked out the clerk at the gas station with our outfits. It was cool. I would have brought you back something, but I remembered how they patted us down when we came in. No outside food or drinks. All that jazz. Do they think someone is going to spike the punch or something? Who would ever do that? It's not like anyone is drinking the punch anyway. And you guys didn't hear a _word_ I said after ass-virginity, did you?"

"You slept!" Kafei exclaimed, so shocked with the concept that he couldn't even make it one complete sentence. "With Dark!"

"Well I wouldn't really say I _slept_ with him, since there was no sleeping involved." He tucked a strand of hair behind his ear. "I kind of sank down on the floor afterward, and Dark sat down beside me, but only for a minute. The floor in there is all dirty, and it kind of hurts to sit down anyway. Not like _bad_-hurt, but sore."

Kafei was making a sound not unlike air escaping from a balloon.

"This _is_ kind of weird, Ralph," Link said. "I mean, you always talked about how much you liked girls."

"I did! I do! I'm not gay. If anything, this just proved that. I mean, it was good and all, no regrets, but on the whole I prefer women."

"But…you enjoyed it."

"Hey, sex is sex. When you start, you know, kissing and fondling and whatever, it doesn't matter what the other person looks like or what gender they are. Hell Link, you're _bi_, you ought to understand this better than anyone."

"But that's just the thing. I'm bi, so that means I _do_ like guys. You say you don't."

Ralph shrugged. "I don't know how to explain it. Just because I enjoyed sex with a guy doesn't mean I would want to date a guy, or ogle a guy, or anything like that. There's a difference."

"I guess…" Link ruffled his bangs. "I gotta admit; I'm just surprised you lost your ass-virginity before I did. _I'm_ the bisexual prettyboy."

Ralph laughed. "You got a point there. But you have a girlfriend, and I doubt she'd be too happy with you sneaking off to lose your ass-virginity behind her back."

"Oh, you know I'd never do that. But I expected you to _never_ lose your ass-virginity. Much like Kafei here." Link jerked his thumb toward his twitching friend.

"True. Kafei is going to die with his ass-virginity fully intact."

"Will you two stop saying 'ass-virginity!'" Kafei demanded.

Ralph and Link glanced at each other. They grinned.

"Say Link?"

"Yes Ralph?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"What's that?"

"Well, do you know if Dark copied every part of you _exactly_? Because, I mean, I've seen you in the locker room, but _damn_. You never appreciate how big something is until you've had it rammed up your-"

"Arrgh!" Kafei grabbed his mask and stormed off. "You're both bastards!"

His friends just laughed.

Malon and Dark were having a similar discussion outside, standing just far enough away from the door to hear each other without shouting.

"Are you mad?" Dark asked.

"Of course not."

"But...I came here with you."

"And thanks to your actions, I just won sixty rupees." She grinned.

Dark stared at her for a moment. "You had a bet going?"

"Yup."

He laughed. "Aw man, I wish you'd told me. I could have cleaned house."

She shrugged, still smiling. "It was more fun this way."

"See girl? This is why you're awesome."

"Yeah, yeah..."

"So hey," he jerked his head back at the school. "Your friend okay? The crying girl?"

"Cremia? She will be, as soon as she gets over herself already."

"What was wrong?"

"She has a thing for Kafei."

Dark blinked. "_Why_?"

"That's what I said!"

"I mean, Kafei's nice and all. You don't get much more loyal, and he _is _fun to hang out with if you don't challenge his view of the universe...but still. Geez."

"Well Cremia's liked him since we were freshmen...which is about how long he's liked Anju."

"I didn't know that."

"Neither does Anju. The thing is..." Malon scowled at the emo boy sitting on the steps nearby. "I hate love triangles. I really do. Hate them with a _fiery passion_. Relationships have enough problems as it is without throwing a third person into the mix. And the third person always pisses me off. If the person you like doesn't like you, get the hell over it and move on!"

Dark blinked again. "Vehement much? You sound like you have personal experience with this."

"No, not really. I mean...I've had my share of crushes." She smirked. "You can't tell him, but I had a bit of a thing for Link when her first moved here."

Dark gasped. "No!"

"I did!" She laughed. "I got over it pretty quick. He and I don't really fit together like that. Zelda's way better for him."

"Like Barbie and Ken!"

"Barbie and Ken broke up you know."

"I refuse to believe that and I don't care what you say." He folded his arms and _hmph_ed.

Malon laughed again.

"So what is your type?"

"Oh...I don't know. I've had some...bad experiences."

"You wanna talk about it?"

"Not really. Just..." She kicked a dead leaf into the grass. "There was a guy. We went out for a while. I...I believe that sex should be special. That you should only sleep with someone who you really care about. I really cared about this guy. It turned out he didn't really care about me. He... He told _everyone_."

Dark's eyes widened. "He _what_?"

"Told everyone. About...what we did. It- it was my first time and he..."

Dark growled. "Where is he? Is he here? I need to kill him."

"Dark..."

"You think I'm kidding but I'm not. Did you bring your mace?"

"Yes, but he's not here. He was a Senior. He graduated last year."

"Damn! Where is he going to school?"

"You can't kill him, Dark."

"Why not?

"Because you probably aren't going to live through the night."

"Oh yeah." He thought for a minute. "Okay, I know a guy. Where's the pay phone?"

"_No_ Dark."

"But I have a duty as your only friend with underground connections!"

"Look, it's over, okay? I'm over it."

"How _can _you be?"

"Well..." She stared at the ground. "See, he may have been my first, but he wasn't my only."

"Oooohh... Do tell."

"No." She was smiling.

"Not even a little?"

"Maybe a little." The smile widened. "It was the best night of my life."

Dark laughed. "That's my girl! Who's this second guy? I need to buy _him _a drink."

"You don't know him," she said quickly. "He doesn't go to this school. He was sort of a...friend of a friend of a friend. But we clicked. I know it sounds cliche, but it's true. Like...every little bit of our personalities just fit together _so perfectly_. Puzzle pieces."

"That must be nice..." Dark said softly.

"It was. But he's gone now. He's off trying to be a rock star. I wish him nothing but luck... and a part of me really wishes I had responded to all the messages he left me. But... I just don't think I'm ready to be in that kind of relationship."

"Aw man. I wanted to live vicariously through you."

"Why can't you live vicariously through Link?"

"Link's too high-strung."

"He's getting better!"

"Yeah, but this is my last night alive."

"Oh yeah..." They both stared up at the stars for a while.

"When I was a little girl," Malon said softly, "I wanted a prince on a white horse to ride up and sweep me away. My parents fought, my dad drank, and eventually my mom just ran off. I wanted to be rescued. That's why I liked Link at first, I think. Because he's so noble and whatever. But I've grown up since then. I've learned that...that there are no fairy tales. But there _are _happy ending, if you're willing to work for them. I got my dad on the wagon, I met the guy of my dreams...even if I've chosen not to pursue him quite yet. And I'm not going to let Ganondorf take all that away from me." She looked sideways at Dark. "That's what I believe. How about you?"

Dark smiled. "You already know." He jerked his head toward the boy on the steps. "Hey, who's that guy?"

"Oh, emo boy? I don't know his real name. Got the same problem at Cremia, but he's more vocal about it."

"He...likes Kafei?"

"Oh, no. Although that would be more interesting. He likes some chick whose name I also don't know."

"Ah, but she doesn't like him."

"Exactly."

"Is he really emo?"

"I think so."

Dark frowned. "I want to talk to him. I have some questions about that emo shit, and maybe he can-" He froze, ears twitching.

Inside, the music had changed. Familiar lyrics drifted out the door. Dark disappeared.

zzz

A few minutes earlier, at the cup-covered table, the rest of the group had gathered. Kafei's indignation had once again _not_ spread to anyone else, and the girls were mostly arguing over whether or not Malon had rigged the bet.

"She was the only one who knew Dark was coming to prom!" Zelda exclaimed.

"Anyone could have figured it out," Anju said in her soft voice. "And if Ralph already knew he was going to sleep with Dark eventually, prom night was probably the appropriate time to do it."

"See?" Ralph exclaimed. "_She_ gets it."

"I get it!" Zelda said. "Who says I don't get it?"

"Sorry," Anju said.

"Don't apologize," Zelda said automatically.

"Sor- I mean- Agh, that's hard!"

"So am I forgiven then?" Ralph said.

"There's nothing to forgive," Zelda said. "You didn't even know about the bet."

"That's not what I... No, but I wish I had. I could use the money." He shot a glance at Kafei. "Well?"

He sighed. "Yeah, okay, you're forgiven. I may not understand, but it was your choice and I have no right to be pissy about it."

Ralph pretended to sniffle. "Our little Kafei is growing up."

The music changed. Familiar lyrics drifted from the speakers.

"_Ah you gonna take me home tonight_?"

Link froze. "Oh no..."

"_Ah down beside that red fire light_?"

"What?" Zelda asked.

"_Ah you gonna let it all hang out_?"

"This song. It came on the radio at work once. Every time Dark hears it, he-"

They were interrupted by a black blur that cut a path through the crowd on the dance floor, moving almost too fast to be seen and leaping onto the DJ's stage just in time to sing along with the final line.

"_Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round_!"

It was Dark. He grabbed a microphone from on top of one of the speakers beside the stage, no doubt having placed it there himself earlier. He grinned at the crowd, and there were a few whoops and whistles. He wiggled his hips, and there were a lot more.

"_Hey I was just a skinny lad,_

_Never knew no good from bad,_

_But I knew life before I left my nursery. Huh._

_Left alone with big fat Fanny,_

_She was such a naughty nanny._

_Heap big woman you made a bad boy out of me!_

_Hey hey_!"

Link groaned and buried his face in his hands. "I am never gonna live this down! I'm gonna be 'the guy with the crazy cousin.'"

"You're already 'the princess's boytoy.' I think that takes precedence."

"We'll see."

"_I've been singing with my band,_

_Across the wire across the land,_

_I've seen every blue-eyed floozy on the way, hey._

_But their beauty and their style,_

_Wears kind of smooth after a while._

_Take me to them dirty ladies every time!_

_Come on!_

_Oh won't you take me home tonight!_

_Oh down beside your red fire light!_

_Oh and you give it all you got!_

_Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round!_

_Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking world go round_!"

Dark sang the entire song, word perfect, completely hamming it up. He danced, he bounced, he bobbed his head. And the crowd ate it up. By the end his voice was almost drowned out by cheers.

It wasn't that he was a good singer. He wasn't bad, certainly, but he wasn't getting a recording contract any time soon. It was the dancing, and the hip-wiggling, that made everyone scream.

At the end he tipped his head back and positively _howled _the last line, and the teeming masses howled with him.

"Thank you Ordon Central High!" he shouted. The crowd screamed. "My name is Dark, and I don't go to your school!"

"Hi Dark!" Ralph shouted back. He wasn't the only one.

"Everybody having fun?"

More screams.

"Give it up for DJ Tott, who was nice enough to let me browbeat him into changing the music!"

Again, the crowd screamed.

"And now I'd like to serenade you with my personal theme song..." He pointed at the DJ. "Tott, if you please?"

The music started, instantly recognizable. Link stood up and stared at the stage.

"_This ain't a song for the broken-hearted,_

_No silent prayer for the faith-departed._

_I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd,_

_You're gonna hear my voice,_

_When I shout it out loud_!"

Dark's friends watched this in complete silence. Even those who didn't know his expectations about his lifespan could tell this meant a lot.

"_It's my life,_

_It's now or never!_

_I ain't gonna live forever!_

_I just want to live while I'm alive!_

_It's my life,_

_My heart is like an open highway!_

_Like Frankie said,_

_I did it my way!_

_I just wanna live while I'm alive!_

_It's_..._my_..._life_...

"_This is for the ones who stood their ground._

_For Tommy and Gina who never backed down._

_Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake,_

_Luck ain't even lucky _

_Got to make your own breaks_..."

His voice was wavering, just a bit, hardly noticeable. The crowd still cheered and danced, and he was still grinning, but Link knew he'd never seen Dark this serious.

"_It's my life,_

_It's now or never!_

_I ain't gonna live forever!_

_I just want to live while I'm alive!_

_It's my life,_

_My heart is like an open highway!_

_Like Frankie said,_

_I did it my way!_

_I just wanna live while I'm alive!_

_It's_..._my_..._life_...

"_Better stand tall when they're calling you out!_

_Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down_!"

The audience was singing along, shouting the words. Link hadn't known so many people knew the song...but the chorus wasn't exactly hard to figure out. Dark conducted them, punching the air on hard beats.

The song ended with at least three-fourths of the room shouting in unison, up to and including all of the chaperones.

"'_Cause it's! My! Life_!"

The crowd cheered for nearly two full minutes, Link and the others loudest of all. Dark bowed and grinned and blew kisses, and only refrained from tossing some of his clothing into the audience because it all matched so well. He even convinced the DJ to take a bow.

Finally he picked up the microphone again and addressed the crowd. "I see a lot of familiar faces out here tonight," he said, scanning the room. "Wow, a lot of familiar faces. A whole lot. Okay, seriously, there is no way all of you are eighteen. That means at least some of you lied to me and that is Not Cool."

There was subtle movement on the edges of the room. Ralph, ever observant, began to gather up his things.

"Hey, you. Yes, I see you hiding behind the balloons! Are you a teacher? Man, that is just wrong. You should not be picking up guys young enough to be your students. Especially not in that bar. I mean, you know what kind of bar that is, right? What am I saying, how could you _not_?"

The subtle movement had grown more frantic, and everyone at Dark's table was shouldering backpacks and getting ready to move.

"And don't think I didn't see those pictures in your bathroom! There's nothing wrong with admiring an attractive person, but to lust over them and take pictures without their knowledge? Creepy and wrong dude, creepy and-"

Then three men, two dads and a gym teacher, rushed the stage and grabbed Dark by various appendages.

"Aw man, I got off topic huh?" he said to one of them. The man just glared. "You've been great!" Dark shouted into the microphone as it was ripped from his hand.

Dark was carried out of the commons area, to the boos and shouts of the students, and unceremoniously chucked out the front doors.

"Okay," Kafei said drily. "Who else saw that coming?"

As one, the rest of the group raised their hands.

Malon sighed. "I'm just glad I didn't really fill out a Guest form for him. Just snuck him in the side door."

"Prudent of you," Zelda agreed. "Let's get out of here."

But before they could get halfway to the door, the crowd converged.

"Link, I didn't know you had a brother!"

"What's his name again?"

"Is he really gay?"

"He's not gonna tell anyone about- Is he?"

"Holy crap, is it true about that teacher?"

"Princess, since when are you and Link going out?"

And on and on and on.

Link and the others pushed their way through the crowd, giving noncommital answers and trying to keep each other in sight. By the time they got to the door and shooed everyone else away, twenty minutes or more had passed.

Dark was sitting on the steps, talking to the emo boy. Arguing was perhaps more accurate.

"I just don't see the point of building a whole culture around _moping_!" Dark said.

"It's not moping," the emo boy huffed. "We accept that life is sad."

"Is not!" Dark exclaimed, sounding approximately four years old. "Life is full of happiness! Full!"

"You just haven't experienced true pain."

"And you have? Dude, everyone I've cared about that I met before the last few months is _dead_. Hell, I could probably be dead by the end of the night. And I'm still happy! Because I have friends, I got laid, and I found a quarter on the ground."

"That's all it takes to make you happy?" the emo boy huffed.

"Yup."

He shook his head. "You just don't understand."

"Yes!" Dark exclaimed, pointing at the boy triumphantly. "Yes, _exactly_! I don't understand!"

"Dark," Malon snapped, from the middle of the pack. "Leave emo boy alone."

"I have a name you know," emo boy muttered.

"I'm sure you do, but I don't know it."

"It's Kamo."

"I don't care."

The group trooped down the stairs, sweeping up Dark as they passed him.

"That was mean," Anju said as soon as they were out of earshot.

"I'm tired and he got on my nerves." Malon shrugged.

"Still. He's mopey enough as it is, you don't need to add fuel to the fire."

Malon snorted. "You don't like him either!"

"I don't even _know _him..."

"But?"

"No but!"

Kamo stared after them as they walked down the sidewalk. He kept staring until they disappeared around a building, then turned his gaze back up to the sky. It was a beautiful night. But Kamo had always sucked at poetry.

"At least I admit it," he muttered to himself.

The door squeaked open behind him, treating him to a blast of generic pop music. A girl with red hair and a simple sort of dress sat down on the steps, far enough away that they weren't really next to each other, but close enough that it was clear she wouldn't be adverse to talking.

"What?" Kamo snapped.

"Sorry," the girl said quickly. "I just... Sorry."

"No, it's okay." He sighed. "I shouldn't have... Hi."

"Hi."

"Did you...get tired of the music?"

"Something like that." She stared up at the stars. "Wow."

"Nice, huh?"

"Yeah..." They were both silent for a moment. "Do you ever feel like you've been a complete idiot, but you can't stop being an idiot or you'll just look like an even bigger idiot?"

"Yes," Kamo admitted reluctantly. "Is this because of the emo thing?"

"No. Well. Sort of." She stretched, and Kamo couldn't help noticing she had a very nice figure. "One of my friends gave me a bit of a talking-to a while ago, and it got me thinking. I guess I just wanted to talk to someone outside of my bubble."

Kamo snorted. "I'm outside of _everyone's _bubble."

"Well, I think I'd like to be too. For a while."

He looked at her. "Are...you serious?"

"Why not?"

He grinned. "Why not indeed? I'm Kamo."

"I know." She smiled. "Cremia."

Two blocks away, Dark was singing again. It was Link's fault, everyone agreed. He'd brought up music and asked why Dark didn't like the music of his last incarnation, the hippies. Dark said he did, poked Zelda in the arm, and broke into song.

"_Well I keep on thinkin' 'bout you,_

_Sister Golden Hair Surprise,_

_And I just can't live without you,_

_Can't you see it in my eyes_?

"_Now I been one poor correspondent,_

_I been too too hard to find_

_But that doesn't mean_

_You ain't been on my mind_.

"_Will you meet me in the middle?_

_Will you meet me in the air?_

_Will you love me just a little,_

_Just enough to show you care_?

"_Well I tried to fake it,_

_I don't mind sayin'_

_I just can't make it_..."

This was followed by a round of "mm-bop doo-bops" that no one else understood.

"Dark..." Link began. Dark held up one hand to stop him, then kept doo-bopping. "Dark!"

"Wha-at?" he whined.

"Stop it."

"I don't wanna."

"But you already did."

"I- Dammit!" He waved a finger under Link's nose. "You're good my friend, but one day I will be better."

"What ever helps you sleep at night."

"Bah."

"What _is_ with you and music tonight?" Zelda asked. "I mean, I know you like it, but it seems like you're trying to turn the evening into a musical."

Dark shrugged. "I hadn't really been thinking about it. I'm fascinated by music. Emotions are tricky things, and the fact that you people have figured out how to cram all that into three minutes of words and sound is _amazing _to me."

"I never thought of it that way..." Zelda admitted.

"I like 80's music especially. It's all about sex and fun and fighting for your right to party. I can get behind that. It's like I told my friend Colin, you basically can't go wrong basing your life on the teachings of _any _hair band."

"Who's Colin?" Link asked. Dark was very vocal about, well, everything, but he'd never said that name before.

"Little kid I met a couple weeks ago."

"Little kid?" Link repeated. "How little?"

"I dunno... About ten?"

"_Ten_?"

"I think so."

Link was too stunned to speak, so Zelda jumped in for him. "_Why _were you advising a_ ten-year-old _about life?"

"Um...he was there?"

"Dark!"

He held up his hands in a pacifying gesture. "I wasn't trying to _corrupt _the kid. His mom left him at Cold Stone for like three hours while she was doing errands. I just kept him company. And, well, you know how hard it is for me to keep my mouth shut..."

"I hate it when people do that," Malon said. "How can parents be so irresponsible?"

"Beats me," Dark said. "That's why I helped Colin get a little revenge on her."

Six pairs of eyes narrowed at once.

"What did you do?" Link asked seriously.

"Just...taught Colin a phrase."

"What phrase?"

"It's... It's not whoring if you do it for free."

Ralph burst out laughing immediately, and soon the others joined in. Dark grinned sheepishly.

"You are such a freak," Kafei said, still laughing.

"And a happy screw you to you too."

Kafei couldn't help but grin. "You're all right though."

"Awww. So are you."

"Um." Anju said.

Malon glanced at her. "What?"

"Where are we going?"

Everyone stopped walking.

"Umm..." Zelda looked around. "We seem to be somewhere near the college." Dark inhaled sharply behind her. "Why are we somewhere near the college? And," she glanced around. "Where are the monsters? It's almost midnight, we should all be dead by now."

"Dammit," Link said. "Dammit! They've pulled back. Why didn't I notice? I-"

At that moment Link, Zelda and Dark all cried out at once. Link went for his sword, Zelda clutched at her head, and Dark simply collapsed like a marionette with its strings cut. And they weren't the only ones who noticed something. The whole world seemed to shudder, or maybe it was just an inner ear thing.

"Are you all right?" Ralph asked of the group at large.

"Yeah," Link said. "Yeah. I just... What the hell? Zelda?"

She shook her head. "I- I think. I think Ganon's here."

"Yeah... I thought so too." He was silent for a moment, spat out a swearword, and loosened the Master Sword in its sheath. "So what _was _that? Was he trying to hurt us?"

"No." Dark was sitting on the ground with his head on his knees. "That wasn't him. It was for me, but not for you. You and Zelda are the chosen champions of the world, so when the fabric of the world was torn to let him through...the world let you know."

"By hurting us?"

"It's hurting too." Dark sniffed and sat more upright. "This is good though. If they summoned Ganon through a tear in the world, that means the tear is still there. You can banish him...if you know how."

"I do." Zelda said. "Would you look at that? We have a plan."

"Wow," Malon sighed. "_That_'s a weight off my shoulders."

"No kidding." Link looked in the direction of the college. "Now we just- Wait." He looked back at Dark. "You said...the world hurt us, but not you?"

For a brief second there was pain and fear in Dark's eyes, then he grinned it away. "Yeah, your world doesn't care about me. Ganon does."

"_Ganon _hurt you?"

"Yeeeeeeees... See, he's been trying to get control of me the whole time he was trapped between worlds. As soon as he stepped into this one, I felt the full brunt of his personality." He added, conversationally, "He's _really _pissed."

"Well of course!" Zelda snapped. "Why wouldn't he be? Dark, why didn't you tell us this before?"

"I didn't want you to worry..."

"So we get to worry now? Dark!"

"I-"

"Dark." It was Link this time. "Go away."

He blinked. "What?"

Link walked back through the group and offered Dark his hand. When Dark took it, Link yanked his to his feet and hugged him tight. "Go. Away." He said through clenched teeth. "Hide. Keep yourself safe. Don't...don't put yourself in danger when you don't have to."

"But I _do _have to." Dark leaned his head on Link's shoulder.

"No you _don't_. It'll be just like with Nabs. You go and lay low until it's all over and then..." He stepped back and held Dark at arms length. "You're the closest thing to family I've got. Please. For me."

Dark stared at him, his mouth slightly open, for a long moment. "I... You. Link." He closed his eyes. "Dammit. Yes. Okay. Yes. For you."

Link smiled and hugged him again, briefly.

"I wanna hug him too!" Ralph exclaimed.

Link laughed. There was a round of hugs, even Kafei got one, and then Dark passed out the various weapons and supplies he'd had in his bag.

"You all be careful," Dark said.

"You too!" Zelda said. "And don't' you dare come out of hiding for at least a week."

"I'll know if you've defeated Ganon as soon as it happens!"

"A week!"

"Yes, sister dear," he grinned sheepishly.

They all retrieved their respective weapons and waved a last goodbye to Dark.

"I love all of you!" he shouted after them. "I really do!"

They waved some more, and Ralph blew him a kiss. Dark waved both hands over his head until they turned a corner and disappeared into the night.

"How sweet," a voice said from behind Dark. It was a voice he'd heard before, but never outside of his own head. He turned around and saw pretty much what he'd been expecting to see.

It was shaped vaguely like a person, but twice the size of anyone Dark had ever seen. Unnaturally broad shoulders, enormous horns topping its head, and the whole thing appeared to be made out of swirls of shadows and purple light. It was carrying a sword as long as Dark was tall.

"Giving your friends false hope before the end," the voice finished. It was coming from the general area of the phantom's face, but no mouth was visible.

"They're coming to you willingly, Ganon," Dark said simply. "There's no reason for you to chase them."

"Oh, I know. I prefer it that way. I'm quite looking forward to watching them face off against my servants." The voice's tone became musing. "Have you ever noticed how easily it is to control women in groups? One woman on her own can fight forever, but for some reason when they get together they completely lose the ability to think logically. After all," it chuckled, "I'm hardly good for them."

Dark's eyes widened as he realized what the voice had implied. "Are you saying...you led those girls?"

"Of course. You didn't think they got the idea on their own, did you? It was easier since those twins were already predisposed for...what do they call it now?" The phantom's head tilted, and it gave the impression of smirking. "Ah yes, the dark side."

"You're catching up quickly," Dark noted.

"I always do. So tell me, shadow. Your friends are coming to me willingly. Are you?"

"Oh no." Dark grinned, with all the bravado of a thousand action movie stars. "I'm going to fight you tooth and nail every step of the way."

"Good." Something like a mouth split the phantom's face, and it smiled with teeth made of purple lightning. "I was hoping I'd have an excuse to hurt you."

Then it reached out with a hand that had grown to half the size of its body and wrapped thick fingers around Dark's torso. He had just enough time to remind himself not to scream so no one would hear, before purple sparks danced in front of his eyes and he knew no more.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

So who's mad at me? Everyone, right? I DID warn you all about this. It's not over for Dark yet of course, our boy's a fighter.

Speaking of, his songs this chapter were: "Fat-Bottomed Girls" by Queen. Had him sing that one on the advice of a freind, and also because it's funny. "It's My Life" by Bon Jovi, because it is his theme song. And "Sister Golden hair," by America, because I just like it.

The love life stuff? That's... Come on. Like 2/3rds of the fanfiction writers out there have this obsessive need to pair off characters. I am, sadly, one of them. I like Malon, so I want her to be happy, so I gave her a guy. See if you can guess who he is! Here's a clue, I like to break of triangles by pairing the odd member with the odd member of another triangle. That's why Cremia and emo boy (from Wind Waker) are now a couple. I declare it so!

Other notes, more on Dark. If you were to ask him, he would tell you that he doesn't have a "type." This is untrue. He actually likes redheads. And nerds. And he is about 60-40 in favor of guys. And I probably gave more away then I meant to there...

Just a word of warning, next few chapters will be solid action. Also, there's only about four left. Sad!

Final note! This is very important! This last week...was the last week of the Weekly World News. It's been cancelled. No more. I am not kidding. GO TO YOUR NEWSTANDS AND BUY THE LAST ISSUE!


	22. Vampires Demand Voting Rights!

**Chapter 22. Vampires Demand Voting Rights!**

The college was dark. Link had only been by it maybe a dozen times in the three years he'd lived in the city, and never at night, so he didn't know if it was always this dark. There was a lot of empty space, with sidewalks spaced evenly and trees and bushes strategically between them. Pretty, in daylight.

But now, under the starlight, it looked eerie. There were supposed to be streetlights, probably, but they weren't lit. Deep shadows and strange shapes populated the campus.

"So who else has decided _not _to apply here next year?" Ralph murmured. There was a mute raising of hands.

"Where are we going anyway?" Malon asked softly. Something about the place inspired hushed tones.

"The new science building," Link said automatically.

"How do you know?"

"Because..." he trailed off. "I'm not sure. I guess just because it feels all scary and evil over there."

"Feels?" Malon repeated.

"You don't feel that?" Zelda said.

"No... I mean, it's creepy here and all, but nighttime always is."

"I feel it," Ralph said. "It's like...wind. Only not."

"All right," Zelda rolled her eyes. "Show of hands if you feel it."

Only she, Link, and Ralph raised their hands.

"Weird..."

"Magic?" Ralph suggested.

"That'd do it."

"I feel all left out now," Malon pouted.

"You're better off," Link said. "It's not pleasant."

The night was getting darker, but unevenly. There were clear delineations between the regular starlit patches of darkness, and the deep sucking darkness that was creeping underneath the trees and along the walls of buildings. And those deeper patches seemed to be seething slightly, bubbling over with possibilities. Anything could be hiding in there.

The science building loomed up from the middle of the field of dirt that most construction sites became. There was a light, very dim and decidedly red, coming from somewhere within it. Hardly noticeable from a distance, but Link and the others were looking for it.

They were looking so hard, in fact, that they almost didn't notice something else much closer. There was a patch of that deep shadow on the edge of a stand of trees that was moving in a much more organic way then the others. As the group passed by it, a small noise escaped the darkness, a kind of wet wheeze.

Link froze, and the others stopped behind him. "Did you hear that?" Zelda hissed.

Link nodded mutely, and loosened the Master Sword in its sheath. Slowly, he approached the shadow.

"Hey..." a weak voice said. "I know you... You survived. Good for you."

Link let go of the sword and knelt beside the shadow. Up close, it wasn't just a patch of darkness, it was a person. A girl, with tight fashionable clothing and dyed red hair. But the clothes were rumpled and stained, and her hair tangled and matted with what was probably blood. She was lying on her side, curled slightly, and raising her head to look at him with apparent effort.

"You," Link said, shocked. "One of the girls from the park." It was the one who'd seemed most like she knew what she was doing. He couldn't remember what the other girls had called her.

"Your friend okay too?" she asked softly. There were dark rings under her eyes, and more blood drying at the corners of her mouth.

Link glanced back at Zelda. "Yeah... He's fine."

"Good." She lay her head back on the ground and smiled. Her teeth were pink. "Maybe I won't get _too _many years in purgatory."

"What happened to you?"

"Ganon," she winced as she said the name. "I never thought... he would reward us. But I didn't think he'd..." She raised her head again. "You should leave. All of you. I know who you are now, what you're going to do. It's too dangerous. If he did this to his followers, what do you think he'll do to his enemies?"

"I can't turn back," Link said. "I have to do this."

"Why?"

"Because _someone _has to."

"So let it be someone else."

Link shook his head. "I can't. I'm the one who was chosen for this. And even if I wasn't, I'm not the kind of person who can sit back and watch a madman hurt people."

The girl stared at him for a long time. She was looking worse by the second, her skin taking on a sick yellow shade, and the shadows on her face making her look like a corpse.

"I don't want to hurt you," her voice was barely audible. "I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"Then why?"

"It just... seemed like such a good idea at the time. We knew... it wasn't right... people would be hurt, and die... But... we thought it would work. Ganon would come... and take over. He was coming anyway... we... We just wanted... to be on the winning side..."

She closed her eyes, and Link leaned over quickly. "Hey, are you okay?"

She made that wet wheeze again, an attempt at a laugh. "You... Hero. Come here."

He put his face down close to hers, ignoring the smell of blood and dry rot wafting from her. "What is it?"

"Tell me... Do you know... where ReDeads come from?"

And then the light died in her eyes, her mouth opened unnaturally wide, and she went for his throat.

Link cried out and stumbled backward, prying at the cold arms that had wrapped around his shoulders. His friends went into action automatically, Kafei and Zelda grabbing the girl and throwing her to the ground. She rose to her feet slowly, jerkily, and turned her gaze toward them.

Link was rubbing at his throat and not paying attention, thankful for the high collar of his costume. Most of the others were fussing over him, asking if he was all right. Only Malon happened to facing in the right direction, when the girl focused in with her flat dead eyes, and shrieked.

Malon froze, every muscle in her body immobilized by the sound. The girl shuffled toward her, limbs unresponsive, reaching out with fingers curled into claws. Again, the others leapt to her defense; Zelda hit the girl on the back with her pipe, and Ralph grabbed her shirt tried to pull her

back, tearing it. It stalled her, just long enough for Malon to break free of whatever had been holding her in place, but the girl broke free too and grabbed hold of Malon's arm.

There was a sickening _crunch_.

Malon cried out and dropped her mace, sinking to her knees as the girl bit deep into her the flesh of her wrist. Kafei threw himself onto the girl's back, pulling her away, and a large chunk Malon's wrist with it. The girl twisted in his grip, shrieking again. The sounds shuddered through all of them, and Kafei was left frozen.

Anju screamed.

Link went for his sword.

Zelda said something unintelligible.

A flash of light came down from the sky and hit the girl, freezing her in place and making her look like a statue. Kafei stumbled away, the girl's stained mouth mere inches from his neck. Link swung automatically, and felt the sword connect and tear through flesh as insubstantial as paper.

The girl tried to rise, but Link swung again, and again, leaving bloodless wounds.

Finally, the girl collapsed. Her limbs were bent at awkward angles, her clothes unrecognizable. The group stared at her, breathing hard, gripping their various weapons so tight their hands hurt. But she didn't move. After a long moment, too long, her body slowly faded away into nothing, like she had never existed at all.

Malon was sitting on the ground, leaning back against Ralph who was holding her by the shoulders. "Are ReDeads like zombies?" she asked, a note of panic in her voice.

Everyone ignored her, but Anju pulled out her huge first aid kit and sat down beside her to examine her wrist.

"They were helping him," Link said, his voice low. "They were _helping _him, and he..." He rubbed his neck again.

"Are you all right?" Zelda asked.

"Fine. Turtleneck. The fabric must have stopped her long enough for..." He froze, a haunted look coming into his eyes. "She... I _killed _her."

"No!" Zelda exclaimed. "No, she was already dead."

"We don't know that. Just because they're called ReDeads... Maybe she was alive, but being controlled. Like Nabs. She- Oh gods!" He hunched over, shivering. Zelda grabbed hold of his hands and squeezed.

"You didn't kill her! Ganon did."

"But..."

"Are ReDeads like zombies?" Malon said again, louder, the panic no longer just a note.

"And even if she was just being controlled, there was nothing you could have done. She would have killed _all _of us if we hadn't fought back."

"It... It still hurts."

Zelda closed her eyes. "I know..."

"_Are ReDeads like zombies_!" Malon demanded, her voice up an octave.

Zelda couldn't help but laugh. "You're not going to turn into one. The Heroes from the stories got bit by them all the time, they always survived."

"The ones we _know _about," Malon muttered. Then winced, as Anju wrapped a bandage around her wrist.

"I think you're gonna be okay," she said. "Although you should see a doctor."

"Later." She tried to wave the injured hand, and winced again. "Zelda, trade me."

"What?"

"Weapons." She lifted the mace as best she could with one hand. "Your pipe is lighter. Trade me."

"Oh... Okay." Not bothering to hide her worry, Zelda handed over the pipe and swung the mace up over her shoulder. "Ow! Damn, this thing is heavy."

"Told ya." Using Ralph's shoulder for support, Malon got to her feet and swayed slightly. "All righty! Off we go! For king and country!"

"No." Link said.

"What?"

"I said _no_." He waved his hand at where the girl had been laying. "You all saw what just happened. One gi- ReDead just nearly took three of us out. I... I'm the hero. You guys aren't. I can't let you go."

"Can't _let _us?" Ralph repeated. "My friend, what makes you think you can _stop _us? We're just as much involved in this as you are. The Goddesses may not have given all of us a magic sword, but this is about all our futures, not just yours. I mean," he spread his arms and indicated the world at large. "_I_ don't want to live under the control of a centuries-old madman, do any of you?"

There was a chorus of no's.

"No! So we're going, and there's nothing you can do about it." He strode past Link, with the attitude of someone who was going to start hitting if he didn't get his way. "Come on, time's a-wasting."

Link shook his head, smiling. "Yes, sir."

They moved on. There was more movement in the shadows now. Purposeful movement. They didn't see any more ReDeads, but there were sounds. Groans and shrieks. All of them remembered at approximately the same time that there were people _living _on this campus.

After an eternity, they reached the building. It looked peaceful on the outside, deserted, but that feeling was still there. The feeling that this was a Bad Place, and that if they had any sense of self-preservation at all, they would run.

They paused at the door. "You can still turn back," Link said. "I would...like it, if you turned back."

There was a long silence.

"I- I want to help." It was Anju. Everyone turned to her in surprise. "I know I don't seem like the brave type... But if there's anything I can do here. Anything at all. I want to."

Kafei nodded, and took her hand. "I didn't sacrifice my van to turn back now."

"You already know why I'm going," Ralph said.

"Same reasons for me," Malon added.

Link sighed. "Zelda?"

"Not a chance, hon."

"Right. Nice knowing you all then."

"Ditto."

Link pushed the door open.

The hallway was unfinished. Half-painted, with plaster dust in the corners and scraps of blue tape still clinging to the walls. It was dimly illuminated with that strange red glow, which was coming from both ends of the hall.

"Which way?" Zelda whispered.

Link glanced back and forth. "Left," he decided.

"Completely arbitrary?"

"Of course."

The group trooped down the hallway, keeping closer then they should have. Nothing sprang out at them, nothing moved. Not even the red light flickered.

They turned a corner and saw more hallway, lined with doors, and an alcove that was probably intended to hold a drinking fountain. There was red light coming from each room, and the Bad Place feeling had kicked into overdrive.

"You go first," Ralph hissed.

Link rolled his eyes, but went ahead. The others followed after him, still too close to be safe, but too comforting to push back. The windows in the doors were frosted, and the red light glowed steadily, without a single flicker or fade. It only got brighter and more vibrant as they went on, like being inside a volcano...with doors.

There was a creak. Then another. One by one the doors started swinging open of their own accord. The red light spilled into the hallway, thick and bright, almost blinding. But deep within it, floating on the light, a tiny white dot, surrounded by a black shadow.

The doors all slammed at once, and the light disappeared. The white ones remained though, seven of them, forming a circle around Link and the others.

They spun in the air, and a manic giggle sounded in the darkness. Seven manic giggles, in fact. The white lights danced and twirled, and the group pressed in tight.

"What _is _it?" Kafei hissed.

"I don't know," Link said. "I've never seen anything like this."

"I vote we attack," Zelda said. "Shoot first, shoot lots, and let forensics answer the questions."

"I'm down with that," Malon said. "But that may just be the blood loss talking."

"Just...try not to hit each other, okay guys?" Link drew his sword carefully, and focused on one of the spinning lights. He heard assorted metallic sounds from the rest of the group. "Okay... GO!"

They went. Six people against seven lights, which, when they got closer, proved to be old-fashioned lanterns of some kind. Attacking the lanterns themselves didn't do any good, since they just whisked themselves out of reach and giggled.

It was difficult to see by the wan light of the lanterns, especially with the way they kept moving, but Link kept his eyes moving and his ears alert, and he managed to keep on his feet at least.

Then someone cried out in the darkness behind him.

And something split the air in front of him.

"They've got _scythes_!" he heard Kafei shout.

Link discovered that for himself less then a second later as he swung his sword up and felt it connect with something metal. The lantern revealed a thin curved blade attached to a pole. A scythe, but only because you couldn't call it a knife on a stick without sounding like an idiot.

Now it was a real battle. The lanterns, and their blades, moved even faster when they realized the humans were onto them. They didn't stop laughing though. One of them danced close to Link and he swung wildly, his sword swishing between the lantern and the scythe.

It snagged on something. Not a cut, just a disturbance in the smoothness of the stroke.

"Hey!" a high-pitched voice shouted.

There was something _carrying _those lanterns. Not something human, certainly, and from the way they were bobbing and twirling it was probably something that could fly. But it was a solid something, and that meant they could fight back.

Link turned to the closest light and repeated what he'd done before, aiming for the area between lantern and scythe, but this time it was just like swinging at the air. No resistance, just a giggle and a spin.

Someone cried out again, and it was a cry of pain this time. A solid body hit the floor, and someone swore.

"Hey!" that high voice said again.

Link moved toward the sound and bumped into someone in the dark. "Are you okay?" He heard Malon ask.

"Fine," Ralph replied, from about knee-level. "Although- wait- wetness. I'm bleeding."

"I've still got my kit!" Anju said, from somewhere. Then she too cried out in pain.

The lights were spinning faster now, and closing in. They winked out from time to time, and reappeared somewhere else. It was dizzying and confusing and probably all according to plan.

"Listen!" the high voice said, and Link felt something small and insubstantial bump into his shoulder. He glanced at it, turned away, then turned completely around and stared.

It was...a ball of blue light with wings. That was all it could be described as. No bigger across then Link's palm, with colorless little bug wings attached somewhere in the middle. Impossible...but there it was.

"What?" Link said vaguely.

"They're illusions," the high voice said. It had a strangely inhuman quality to it, as if that was what a bell's voice would sound like if it could talk. None of the little sounds that were associated with having a mouth, but perfectly understandable all the same. "Only one of them is real, the rest can't even touch you!"

"What?" Link said again.

"'Zat Navi?" Ralph's voice came from his shoulder this time, and Link turned to see him being supported by Kafei. "What's going on, Navi?"

"The Poes," the ball of blue light said. "All but one are illusions."

Finally, the words got through. "How do we know which one is real?" Link asked.

"It's the only one that's even solid! Just figure out which one can hurt you." Link got a serious expression on his face. "Not by making yourself a target!" the ball shouted, exasperated. "Gods, man, I appreciate the sentiment, but we need you fully functional!"

The tone of voice made it through now as well. "_Navi_?" Link said.

"Ding ding ding! The boy's a genius!" It was a new voice, though pitched at about the same level as Navi's. Another light, this one yellow, appeared behind Ralph, followed immediately by a purple one. Except for the color they were identical.

Link recognized that tone as well. "Tatl too?"

"Tell him what he's won, Tael!"

"You've won diddly squat!" the purple light said cheerfully. Its voice was as high as the others, but sounded like it was trying to sound deeper. "It's diddly! It's squat! It's diddly squat!"

"You're both idiots," Navi said. "And I'm docking your pay."

"Awwww," the two lights said in unison.

There was a crunch and a thud from across the room. All the lanterns flickered, then the white light from them suddenly streamed upward into the florescent lights in the ceiling. As one, the group of people and fairies (for what else could they be?) turned and looked at the source of the sound.

Zelda stood there, mace in both hands, glaring at what looked like a pile of rags. She glanced at the rest of them. "What? You were _talking_."

Link walked over to her and put his arms around her, grinning. "I love this woman."

The three fairies bobbed around the pile of cloth, the yellow one that appeared to be Tatl making ringing sounds.

"It's a Poe all right," Navi said. "But the poor thing's soul is missing. Ganon's never done that before. Damn. I hate it when the bad guys learn something."

Link used the lull to take stock of his friends. Zelda had a cut on her arm and part of the decoration of her dress was missing. Ralph had lost his ridiculous hat, and was bleeding quite a lot from his leg. Everyone's hair was mussed and Kafei was without his mask, although that could have happened any time.

Anju sat on the floor and snapped open her first aid kit with the attitude of a professional. Ralph sat beside her and rolled up the leg of his aqua-blue bellbottoms without even having to be asked.

"So," Link said, satisfied that there was nothing he could do. "You gonna tell me what the hell is going on?"

Navi sighed; quite a feat since she had no breath. "Short version? We're fairies and we've come to help."

"What's the long version?"

"It's longer."

"I'm listening."

She sighed again. "Well, for starters, I'm a lot older then I look. I'd say give or take a couple thousand years or so."

Link blinked.

"Fairies have an odd life cycle, compared to your own. We start off as the simple little things you read about in the legends. The ones that flit about in fountains and get captured in bottles and heal heroes. The thing is, we don't usually have memories at that stage, or any kind of cognitive reasoning skills. Like infants. Except that we can't reach adulthood unless we take time, and _don't_ use our powers. Saving up energy, you see? And once we do that for a while we begin to develop minds, personalities. Technically we can still heal people, but it will impair our thoughts and send us back to that first stage. Which is not something we want to do, as you can imagine. That was the stage I was in when Ganondorf tried to take over Hyrule. For the first time..."

Everyone was positively gawking at her now. Anju had even paused in the middle of unrolling the bandages for Ralph's leg.

"Technically, me Tatl and Tael are all Great Fairies now. We can change our form, appear human, and heal whenever we want. But because the three of us are so old, and because we've all had dealing with evil crazy people before, the rest of our kind deemed us the...er... official fairy sidekicks, of this little adventure."

"Little?" Ralph protested. "I just got hamstrung!"

"I'm on it," Tael said. He bobbed over to Ralph's side and hovered over his leg. "Keep in mind," he said, "fairy healing is basically a super-speeding-up of your natural healing process. Meaning this will scar all to hell."

"Do it anyway," Ralph said. "I need to be able to walk, and I don't have the type of calves that I should be showing off anyway."

"They just need a little work," Tael protested. "You could take up jogging."

"Maybe when I'm old."

"Your loss." He circled above Ralph's wound a few times, purple sparkles trailing after him. The cut glowed for just a second, then the skin closed over it in a wide pale slash.

Ralph wiped some of the blood off and poked at the muscle. "All right! Thanks."

"Anybody else?" Tael asked, floating back up to shoulder height.

"My arm," Zelda said. "And Malon got bit by a ReDead."

"Uh-oh..."

"What?" Malon said, that edge of panic returning. "Why?"

"It's just... ReDeads are... Well, they're dead. And they tend to be crawling with disease. ReDead bites get infected at the drop of a hat, and I assure you, you do not want your wound to heal _over _a bunch of bacteria or whatever."

Malon went pale.

"Stop scaring the girl!" Navi snapped. "Sweetie, you'll be fine if you just pour a bunch of hydrogen peroxide over it. Now can I finish my story?"

"Please do," Link said.

"Right. Well. Like I was saying, the other fairies sent us. The fact that we know you was probably a big part of it, along with our age."

"But I don't understand," Zelda interrupted. "No fairies have been seen since the Great Flood. It was assumed they all left or died out."

"Not left, adapted. We had to. Hell, everyone else did. Humans, Zoras, Rito, Gorons. They're all thriving in this world because they learned to change in order to fit their environment, instead of changing the environment to fit them. We fairies learned our lesson from the Deku. They were dying off even before the Great Flood, but what with them being forest creatures and all the forests being hundreds of feet underwater... Well, all that remains of them now is a common surname and some pictures in children's books. This isn't a world of magic any more. The people lost their faith in it when half of them drowned. And it's not that I don't _like _science. It works quite well, for scientific things. But some things are simply magic and nothing more. Like fairies. A world based on science isn't going to accept flying balls of light that easily, so we just...try to fit in. Live our lives the best we can. Like everybody else."

"And you have some kind of...secret cabal that helps out when magic is needed?" Link said, half-hoping she would say no.

"Pretty much," she said instead. "It's not just us though. The koroks like to throw a word in now and again."

"Koroks?"

"Forest children. Used to be called the kokiri. They adapted too. Almost indistinguishable from trees now, unless you know what you're looking for." A tone slipped into her voice that reminded Link of Dark's 'Wicked Grin.' "Haven't you ever wondered why logging isn't a lucrative business in Hyrule?"

"No."

"Well...they're why."

"Good for them."

"You're mad, aren't you?"

"Yes. Although...I guess I don't have a right to be..." He pulled off his hat and ran his fingers through his hair. "It just seems like everyone around me has secrets lately. It's... It bothers me, I guess. No matter how good your reasons are." He shrugged. "I like you, Navi. You're a good boss and a good person. I just wish you could have told me the truth, that you didn't have to hide it at all."

"I'd like that too, but I think people just aren't ready to know their neighbors are nigh-indestructible."

"Maybe."

"Nigh-indestructibility would be nice..." Ralph said wistfully.

"There aren't many downsides," Tatl agreed. "Everybody all scarred and ready to go?"

Everyone nodded.

"Done lecturing, Navi?"

"I don't know. Link, you satisfied?"

"I guess."

"Okay, let's be off then."

The hallway branched off in several places, to staircases and alcoves and lecture halls. All Link and the others could do was head in a mostly straight line and hope they weren't walking into a trap. That particular thought had crossed Link's mind several times, especially with what had just happened with the Poes.

The lights flickered, the way lights do, but it seemed that they were flickering more and more as they walked. Finally, they all realized they had completely explored the first floor.

"Well now what?" Tatl asked.

"Let's split up, gang!" Tael said cheerfully.

"Oh no, no way," Navi said. "I want to keep all of you where I can keep an eye on you. Besides..." she sighed yet again. "We all _know _Ganon's on the top floor."

"True," Tatl agreed, with a tone that sounded like a grimace. "Still, there's probably only one safe path up there."

"Hey," Link said. "Gonna let the rest of us in on it?"

The fairies all bobbed around so their front-ish sides were facing him.

"He's, uh, he's got a point," Tael said.

"I know, I know." Navi surveyed the group. "All right, we split up."

"Hey!" Link said again. It was contagious. "What if we don't want to split up?"

"It's the best way. You can all fight...more or less. But this way you won't just stumble around and hope you find the right way. One of the groups will _have _to find Ganon, and we'll all know it when it happens."

"We will?"

"We fairies will." She looked around again, making a kind of figure-eight in the air. "Link and Zelda, you'll go with me up the big staircase. Kafei and...Anju?"

"Yes," Anju said.

"Right. You go with Tael up those stairs in the back. Ralph and Malon, you're with Tatl-"

"And we take that little staff staircase, right?" Ralph said. "There were only three."

"Right. Let's go then."

The humans in the group exchanged glances. They all knew it was dangerous, they all knew this might be goodbye. They were all teenagers, and thus didn't want to say anything that might be used for teasing later.

"Take care," Zelda said.

"Don't die," Malon added.

"Let's go," Link said.

They split up, their respective fairies leading the way. The stairs Link and Zelda took were indeed quite big, and led up to an even bigger hallway that had been lined with floating purple lights, and some kind of deep purple carpeting on the floor.

"Noticing a theme?" Link murmured.

"Just a little," Zelda replied.

They walked on, weapons at the ready.

The part of the next floor Malon and Ralph found was completely different, in that it was exactly like the downstairs. Plaster dust, flickering lights, empty doorframes, and blue painter's tape. There was even an uninstalled window lying against one wall.

They followed Tatl down the hall, eyes darting nervously.

"How's your arm?" Ralph asked.

"Fine. How's your ass?"

"Still sore, thank you. And why do you care?"

"Jealousy."

"Ah. Of me or him?"

"Everyone who's gotten laid in the last year."

"Ah."

Tatl made a _huff _sound. "Humans."

"Lick me."

"That's Link's thing."

They came to a door. It was the only one they had seen so far, and there was a shadow moving behind the frosted glass.

"So hey," Ralph said. "Do we _want _this to be Ganondorf?"

"Are you kidding?"

"Right, what was I thinking?"

He pushed open the door.

Less then a hundred yards away, Kafei and Anju were doing the same thing. Minus the snappy dialogue.

A woman stood in the room. Maybe twenty years old, with classic Gerudo features and pigtails. She was dressed in a brown robe with a gold-colored border, and a cream shift underneath. She looked slightly sad.

"'Lo," she said.

"Hi?" Kafei replied, before he could stop himself.

"I'm afraid I have to kill you."

"You're _afraid_?"

She gave a wan smile. "No hard feelings, but it's you or me. And I _know _me."

"Oh, well, in that case." Kafei hefted his tire iron. "Bring it on, bitch."

"That's _Ms _Bitch to you, kiddo."

The temperature in the room dropped suddenly, by at least thirty degrees. The woman tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, which crystallized. Ice was forming on all the walls, and Kafei could see his breath.

"No hard feelings," she repeated. " I'm just evil, is all."

Malon and Ralph, meanwhile, were confronting an almost identical girl. She greeted them with a smile and a wave, and introduced herself as Koume.

"Oh, I remember you," Ralph said. "You dated Link for about a week."

"Oh yeah, you were one of his friends. Are you the really high-strung one?"

"No, that's Kafei. And he's getting better!"

"So you must be the dork then."

"Sure, why not?"

She raised one eyebrow. "Nice...outfit."

Ralph took in her robe-and-minidress combo. "Are _you_ insulting the way _I'm_ dressed?"

"This is _traditional_, thank you."

"For vestigial virgins?"

"No! And that's _vestal _virgins."

"I said what I said."

Koume glared at him. "You've got a mouth on you."

"Yes. Yes I do. So does my friend here."

"But I'm keeping it shut because he's doing such a good job," Malon smiled warmly.

"Right. You get to die now." Koume snapped her fingers and her hand burst into flame.

"Malon, you ready to die?" Ralph asked calmly.

"Hell no."

He grinned. "Let's see what we can do to prevent it then."

Link and Zelda, all the way on the other side of the building, were having a much more peaceful time. Relatively speaking. The purple lights were going out one by one as they passed, leaving the hall pitch black behind them. There was no way of knowing if they were being herded...or followed.

There was a door at the end of the hall. There had been other doors, but this was the only one with those same purple lights above it, little bolts of lighting shooting between them. Link was, naturally, reluctant to touch it, but the problem was solved by it swinging open as they drew close.

They walked through, not seeing any options, and were not surprised when it slammed shut behind them. However, the metal bars that flew up from the floor and barred it shut came as something of a shock.

The room would have been a lab, eventually. The walls were beige, the floor gray, the ceiling covered in wires. There was a hole at one side for some kind of machine, and several shelves had already been put up.

There was one door out, other then the one they'd come through, across the room and farther to the right. It was shut, but there was deep shadow around it, even deeper then there should have been, with the dim light. It wasn't purple in here, just dim.

Link and Zelda split up and started to circle the room. Navi bobbed behind Link at first, but vanished in a swirl of glitter about halfway across. Link assumed she just found the room boring. There was nothing strange about it, except for the barred door. The floor seemed to be some kind of rubber, but it was the same way in the Chemistry lab at their school. When they got close to the shadowed door, Link and Zelda cut across the room to avoid it and met in the middle.

"What do we do?" Zelda asked, her voice once again automatically slipping into a whisper.

"I don't know, you're the confident one."

"If you think I'm confident, Link, we need to have a serious talk about our relationship. Besides, _you're _the hero."

"Yeah, well-"

Something changed. The atmosphere of the room suddenly got darker, more oppressive. The light had actually gotten brighter, but that Bad Place feeling had grabbed Link and Zelda around the throats and banged their heads together.

As one, they turned and looked at the darkened door.

"Ah, you made it," the man standing there said. "I'm glad."

He was tall, more then six feet easily, and generally large. Muscles like a linebacker, piled onto a thick frame, he seemed to be bigger then anyone human ought to be. Like a bouncer from a movie, the guy you simply do _not _want to pick a fight with. His hair was red, and thinning on top, and he had pulled it back into a short trendy ponytail. His skin was a rich copper tone, that seemed to almost have a hint of green to it. His eyes were red, and glowed like the pits of Hell.

He was also dressed in an expensive looking designer suit, in a deep brown that actually looked quite good on him.

Ganondorf smiled at Link and Zelda, the picture of the urbane gentleman.

"It would have been a bit anti-climactic if you'd fallen to simple trap like the ones I laid out. I've always enjoyed these little confrontations with the heroes."

Link's mouth was moving before he could stop it. "Why? You always lose."

"Not always." Ganondorf's smile spread, like a shark. "The winners write the history books, am I correct? I've won before, I'll do it again."

Link felt a horrible sinking feeling in his chest.

"You've...won?"

"Surely your people haven't forgotten that flood so soon? Why do you think the Goddesses had to resort to drowning half their people?" He put on a wistful expression. "They never did like me very much."

"You're not going to win this time," Zelda snapped. "The world has changed. We've got guns, tanks, bombers. Even if you beat Link and me, you can't fight missiles."

"I disagree," Ganondorf said lightly. "I plan on destroying this world anyway. From what I hear of your military, I think all I have to do is stand back and let you kill each other. Not that I've ever liked hiding, but sometimes it is necessary. I'll compensate by, I don't know, poisoning your water. That's always good for a laugh."

Link realized he had drawn his sword. He didn't even remember doing it.

"And I see you've found the sword! Oh good, I'll have a chance to use mine. Hmm...shall I dual-wield, or break out the big one?" He grimaced slightly. "'Dual-wield.' I've been hanging out with teenagers too much."

"Let's just _do _this," Link growled.

"No, I think not. I've got some administrative things to handle, and I really don't have time for you just now." He pursed his lips thoughtfully. "But I don't want you getting in the way... Ah! I'll have one of your friends keep you busy."

He stepped away from the door a bit and waved his hand. The shadows around it coalesced into a round _something _in the air, and spat out a crumpled figure, dressed all in black.

"I believe you two know each other." Ganondorf gestured at the person. "Get up and say hello."

The person didn't move.

"Get up!" Ganondorf shouted, the red in his eyes flaring up.

The person gasped, as though in pain, and slowly climbed to his feet.

It was Dark.

He gave that weak little grin of his. The one that was supposed to be reassuring but failed miserably. "Hey Link," he said, his voice sounded raw. "I got captured."

"I noticed!" Link snapped.

"Now now, don't take it out on him," Ganondorf was smiling again. "He never stood a chance after all. He is my creature." He reached out and stroked the back of Dark's neck, who shuddered. "He belongs to me, he can never hide from me. And he knew that, didn't you shadow?" He increased his grip, making Dark gasp again and bite his lip. "Yet he still chose to betray me. Such a foolish little creature."

"Don't you touch him!" Link roared. He dashed forward, raising the sword. It was stupid, foolhardy, and going to hurt; but at the moment all he could think of was killing the bastard who had touched his brother.

Ganondorf casually rose a hand, and Link ran into what felt like an invisible wall of pain. He hit the ground, flat on his back, and lifted his head dizzily to see he'd been thrown at least a dozen yards.

"Don't be hasty, hero," Ganondorf said, biting off the words. "You and I will have plenty of time to settle our differences, once your friend here does his job." He ran his fingers through Dark's hair, then grabbed a handful and lifted him bodily off the floor. "I brought him to this world to kill you. I thought it might be good to get you out of the way early, before you even knew what you were. I should have known my powers would be weakened when I wasn't in the same world as the shadow. I should have known he would fight me. They have before. Not all of them, but a few. It's that damn free will. I can't imagine what something like a shadow would want with it, but there you are."

Zelda had helped Link to his feet, and they were both staring at Ganondorf. He wasn't smiling anymore. There was no expression at all on his face.

"He can make it up to me, of course, by killing you now. Oh, it won't get him off the hook for betraying me, but at least I'll make his death a bit more swift then it would have been otherwise. And if he doesn't kill you, then he had damn well better die trying." He pulled Dark up further and growled into his face. "Because if he fails me and doesn't die in the process, I will see to it that he lives for a very..._very_...long time."

He tossed Dark onto the ground like so much garbage, and turned back to Link and Zelda, that shark's smile on his face again. He surveyed them for a moment, Zelda still clinging to Link's shoulders. "Ah," he said vaguely, "history repeats itself. This may be problematic."

"What are you going to do?" Zelda asked, her voice low. Link recognized it as her dangerous tone.

"Just get you out of the way for a little while, princess." His smile was just for her now. "After all, this is between the hero and his shadow. It wouldn't be a fair fight if I allow you to help him."

"You think you can hurt me?"

"Yes. But I don't see the need at the moment. I'll do something else I've always found effective." He pointed his hand at her, and she flew up into the air.

She opened her mouth to say something, maybe swear, but blue light suddenly crystalized around her. Literally. Zelda was encased in a giant blue crystal. She banged her hands against it, her mouth working as though she was yelling, but no sound escaped.

"Zelda!" Link ran to the crystal but it moved up above his head and out of reach.

"No no no," Ganondorf said. "You can have her back when, and if, you defeat your shadow."

"Let her go." Dark pushed himself up and rose, swaying to his feet. "I'll fight him, you don't have to do this."

"I'm not doing it for you," Ganondorf said, a hint of annoyance in his voice. His eyes stayed firmly on the crystal. "Frankly, I'm surprised you even care about her. And you _will _fight him, willingly or no. I have my full powers again, I can make you do whatever I wish."

"I won't kill him."

"Perhaps. Perhaps not. You won't get to decide." He waved his hand again, and the crystal drifted up toward the ceiling and vanished.

Ganondorf turned his attention back to Link. "I'll leave you both to it. Should you win, come and find me on the top floor. I'm afraid I've always been a bit of a sucker for tradition."

He turned and started for the door, then paused. "Ah, yes, I should make sure the shadow does what he's told." He looked at Dark and smiled again. "Any last requests?"

"I'm gonna go with...lick my balls."

The slightest flicker of annoyance crossed Ganondorf's face. "Well. That is a new one. But I will have to decline. I'm afraid of what I might catch." He turned to Link. "And you?"

"I'll have what he's having."

"Ah. United in vulgarity. No, I'll have to decline you as well. The princess would be terribly upset. And now, the shadow." He flicked his hand, not even looking at Dark. But it worked, whatever he was doing. Dark stiffened suddenly, his mouth open in a silent cry. Red light streamed from his eyes, making his whole face seem darker.

No, it didn't just seem that way. Blackness was spreading across his body, smoothing out the little flaws in his complexion, even taking over his clothes. It was shadow, and it wasn't just covering him, it _was _him. The disguise he'd been wearing for so long was being dissolved away, and his true self was coming forth.

As the last of the shadow took over his body, it spread even further from his right hand. A long black blade, identical to the Master Sword, flowed into existence.

The shadow that had once been Dark gripped the sword in both hands and hunkered down in an amateurish fighting stance. Link realized it was the same as his own. Dark was now an exact mirror image of him, his shadow.

"No..." Link said softly.

"I'll leave you gentlemen to it." Ganondorf gave them one last smile, then disappeared out the door.

Link looked at the creature who had been his friend. "Dark," he said. "Please, fight it. You don't have to do this."

The creature didn't move.

"Please, Dark."

The shadow looked at him, red eyes steady. It shifted its stance slightly, and Link realized he'd done the same.

"Dark, I don't want to hurt you... And I know you don't want to hurt me... Please-"

The shadow charged, and this time Link knew he hadn't moved an inch.

He gritted his teeth and dodged, meeting the shadow's black sword with his own. "I don't want to hurt you, Dark. But I will if I have to."

For the briefest second, the shadow's red eyes seemed to look right at him.

It nodded.

And then it tried to stab him in the face.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday.

That is all.


	23. Boy Loses Shadow!

WARNING: Have a box of tissues handy. Seriously, trust me on this.

**Chapter 23. Boy Loses Shadow, Becomes a Photographer!**

Link wasn't doing well. The shadow that had been Dark only a few minutes before was... relentless. It was like playing tennis against a wall. No matter how good you were, the wall would never fail to return a serve. Never.

The shadow didn't copy Link's moves, like the stories said, it just matched them. Blow for blow, step for step. It attacked whenever Link dropped his guard (which was more often then he liked to admit), but didn't take the initiative. Was it hesitating, or was it just not smart enough to do anything but respond?

In other words; was it a puppet, or was it Dark?

Even if there had been a way to know, Link was too tired to figure it out. He was running on instinct; stumbling and swinging and just trying not to die. Because suddenly that was a very real possibility. In those few moments talking to Ganondorf, Link had realized that the man's reputation was more than deserved. He was cruel, he was evil, he was sadistic.

He wanted Link dead.

And that meant his puppet was going to do everything it could to accomplish that goal.

But if Ganondorf was willing to go to all that trouble to kill Link and hurt Dark (or vice versa), what was he going to do to Zelda? And the rest of Hyrule, if Link and Zelda couldn't stop him?

The shadow took advantage of his distraction and slashed for his head. Link ducked automatically and made a slash of his own, at the shadow's torso. And then it was back to trading blows and dodging and dancing back and forth.

"_Welcome, fresh meat!" _

Sweat was getting in Link's eyes.

"_Want to see how many of these little sample spoons I can fit up my nose?"_

He could hear his heart pounding in his ears.

"_I love you."_

He kept remembering…

"_I use a board with nails in it!"_

Every little thing…

"_Sing with me, Link!"_

Everything Dark had ever said to him.

"_What's mine is yours, brother."_

The shadow's black sword clanged against the Master Sword, then bounced back and took a chip out of the wall.

"_What would you do if I died?"_

Link shuffled around the shadow's back, avoiding those unseeing red eyes.

"_I love you."_

The shadow surprised him by turning the other way, catching yet another blow and returning it.

"_Why did I have to miss the 80's?"_

It attacked mercilessly, strike after strike, with all the grace of an automatic thresher.

"_You fucking moron!"_

Link managed to get out of range by the simple expedient of tripping over his own feet, then rolling out of the way.

"_When you love someone, you're supposed to want to make them happy."_

He leapt back up and into attack mode without hesitation.

"_I love you."_

Maybe the gods really had been right in choosing Link for this. When he had no other choice, he was pretty damn good at fighting.

"_Welcome to Hyrule motherfucker!"_

The shadow was showing no mercy, so Link couldn't either.

"_Burn, baby, burn."_

This was for Zelda.

"_I'm sorry man, but twins? I am so frickin' proud of you."_

This was for all his friends.

"_Could someone make a joke about my promiscuity?"_

This was for Hyrule.

"_I love you."_

And when this was over, he was going to rip Ganon's heart out and _eat_ it.

"_I love you."_

Except that…he couldn't. He couldn't. He _wanted_ to want to kill Ganondorf, but he wasn't Ganondorf. He wasn't like that.

The truth was, he just wanted Ganondorf to go away and leave them all alone.

The shadow and Link ran at each other from opposite sides of the room. Their swords clanged in midair, but didn't meet with flesh. Link whirled around as soon as his momentum would let him, and saw the shadow still with its back to him.

He charged, sword raised high, expecting to be blocked but taking the advantage while he could.

The shadow stood there for maybe a second longer the nit should have, then it too turned around.

It dropped its sword and spread its arms.

It was too late for Link to stop, and he wasn't sure he would have even if he had realized what was happening.

Later on, this moment would be a frequently reoccurring one in his nightmares.

The Master Sword sliced into the shadow's left bicep, splitting the black muscle as easily as fabric. Link could _feel_ the change as the sword continued its sweep through the shadow's body; feel the metal scrape along bone and tear open organs that hadn't been there a moment before. It was a neat cut, diagonally across the shadow's torso, except that by the time the sword exited its body, the shadow wasn't just a shadow any more.

"No," Link breathed.

This time, the color came from the wound. It started with red, blood bursting from the cut and pouring down the black that was just ordinary fabric now. The impenetrable shadow retreated away from, or perhaps back into, Dark's body so quickly that it almost seemed to happen all at once.

Dark opened his eyes, once again red-irised and cat-pupiled, and coughed. Flecks of red flew from his lips. He swayed, battling gravity, then collapsed. Gravity won.

Link had thrown the Master Sword aside. He couldn't remember doing it. He was on his knees beside Dark, grabbing his hand.

"No no no I'm so sorry Dark I'm so sorry no."

"It worked," Dark wheezed, his voice still surprisingly strong. "I thought I'd used up all my control on that nod, but I didn't. Go me."

"Dark, I-"

"Notcher fault, Link. All my doing." He tried to smile, and half-succeeded. "And hey, this is good! You won, _and_ I get to say good bye."

Link shook his head. "No, you can't. You can't."

"Little late to be forbidding things." He pulled his hand from Link's grasp and laid it on his cheek. "This is good, Link. This is the best possible outcome."

"No…"

"You're the hero. You've gotta save the world. Save Zelda too. Don't let," pain of a different sort flickered across his face, "don't let Ganon touch her."

"I can't leave you." Link realized he was crying. "Please, Dark, please. I… I can't do this without you. Please don't go."

"I don't want to, believe me. But you're stronger then you think. You can do…anything, really."

"But…but…" He put his hand on top of Dark's and pressed it hard against his face. "I love you."

Dark smiled for real this time. "That is good to hear. I love you too, Link. With all I've got. That's why I had to do this."

"No!"

"And now you've got to go, okay?

"No! No! Not okay! Dark we- we've got to get you some help or- Navi! Where the hell did Navi go?"

"I'm right here." She emerged from somewhere behind Link, brightening her light as she did so she was easier to see.

"Where were you?" Link snapped. "Why didn't you _help_?"

"Don't you think I wanted to? There was nothing I could do." She hovered down near Dark's shoulder. "If I had shown myself then Ganon would have known the fairies are involved, and that wouldn't be good for any of us."

"Well- well, you can heal Dark, right? It doesn't matter if he gets infected, just-"

"No!" Dark shouted. Then he grimaced and pulled his hand back, putting both arms across his chest in a futile gesture. "No…" he said again, his voice much quieter. "I have to die, don't you get it? I'm dead, so I'm free. If my body is healed enough to move, I'll just become that puppet again. I'll attack you. This is…the best way."

"That's bullshit!" Link shouted. "How can the best way involve you- you-" he choked.

"I don't want this either, but I just can't think of anything else."

"No…" He tried to say more, but all that came out was a sob. This wasn't happening. This _couldn't_ be happening.

"Link," Navi said. "Get a hold of yourself."

He just shook his head.

"Link! There's another way!"

He looked up, daring to hope.

"Dark's a shadow. Shadows don't have physical bodies. If he goes to his shadow form and copies your body again, he won't have any injuries except yours."

Link looked down at Dark, who was getting grayer by the second. There was a pool of blood around him now, soaking Link's knees. He hadn't even noticed.

"'S'true," Dark said. "But it's no good. If I do that Ganon can control me more than before. He'll-" He stopped, that strange look of pain on his face.

"But…" There was a light in the darkness. "But if I get rid of Ganondorf. If I banish him or- or kill him. Then you can go back to being a shadow and you'll be fine!" Link grinned manically. "You'll be fine!"

"Link…"

"I just have to be fast enough, that's all."

"Don't… You can't, Link. Don't blame yourself."

Link nodded, too quickly. "I know, but it's okay! It's going to be okay now!" He looked at Dark, that mad grin still on his face. Dark couldn't help but smile.

"Okay. Yeah. I'll just lay here and bleed, and as soon as I feel Ganon leave this world, by one way or another, I'll go back to my natural form."

"And it'll all be okay!"

"Yeah… It'll all be okay."

"I- I should go then. I should hurry. Save Zelda, save you, save the world." He pulled the Master Sword across the floor to him and looked at it for a moment. "I should go…"

"Link."

"I know." He took a deep breath, then pushed his bangs out of his face. "Okay. It's going to be okay." He stood up and looked down at Dark, one last time. "Okay?"

"Okay."

"Navi, will you…stay with him."

"Okay."

She shimmered, and a ghostly body began to form around her. The blue light of her body split into two, becoming the bright blue eyes Link knew from work.

"I'll stay right here, no matter what happens."

A haunted look let her know that Link wasn't quite as insane as he seemed at the moment, and that he knew very well what might happen. "Just…don't leave him alone."

"I won't."

He started for the small door Ganondorf had left through, his steps erratic as though he couldn't make up his mind how fast he wanted to go.

"Dark?" he said, his hand pausing above the handle.

"Yeah?" Dark said, barely loud enough to be heard across the room.

"Just…just hang on, okay? Please hang on?"

"Okay Link. I will."

"Okay." Link took another breath, then opened the door and stepped into a new hallway.

There was silence in the room for several moments after he left. Navi got down on her knees beside Dark, copying Link's earlier pose on the opposite side. And then nothing, just silence and waiting for the inevitable.

"I shouldn't have done that..." Dark said finally, unable to keep his mouth shut even now.

"Of course you should have," Navi said quickly.

"Just...giving him false hope. It's going to hurt even more now..."

"It's not false! It's a viable plan... It might work."

"Might." Dark showed his teeth in what was meant to be a smile. "Might not."

"Don't give up Dark. That's not like you."

"No, it's not. It's just... I didn't want to say it while he was here but…that _really_ hurt."

Navi smiled. "I can imagine."

"It doesn't hurt any more though. It doesn't feel good or anything, but it doesn't feel like pain." He frowned slightly, with effort. "I…I'm getting cold. And…my eyes can't focus. I- Navi?"

She grabbed his hand. "I'm right here."

"I don't… I don't want to die."

"I know."

His eyelids were starting, ever-so-slowly, to drift closed. "There's…so much I still wanna do…" He raised his free hand and made tired little gestures at the ceiling. "I want to learn how to

drive…and use a computer…and go to the beach…and the mountains… I've never left this city, you know? And…and…play the guitar… Maybe even try and…go to school… And…I don't know if it's even possible, but…I wanted…to fall in love…" He smiled, the corners of his mouth barely pulling up. "Is that silly?"

Navi shook her head, but his eyes were already closed. "No, it's not silly at all."

"Good. M'sorry Navi. For…way I treated you…and… Tell Link? M'sorry?"

"Of course."

"I…I don't…want…to…"

His hand went slack in her grasp, and the other one fell back on his stomach with a sick wet noise.

Navi raised his hand to her mouth and just held it there, eyes squeezed shut.

And waited.

zzz

Ralph was running out of puns. The trash-talking was doing its job, in that it was pissing Koume off, but he wasn't sure how long he could keep it up. Malon was helping, even more then he'd thought she would, but it wasn't enough.

If your enemy is of choleric temper, seek to irritate them.

"Ooh! Almost got me, sweetheart!" Ralph forced a laugh. "Another, oh, twenty yards and I might have gotten singed!"

"You little-"

"He's taller then you, dearest!" Malon shouted. Koume spun around and blasted another fireball from her hands, missing by a good three feet.

"Arrrgh!" She spun wildly, shooting at them both. Malon and Ralph spread out, dodging and diving, and doing their best to keep smiling.

Koume had no skills, which was good since Malon and Ralph didn't really have any either. Mostly they'd been dodging and teasing and giving each other worried looks. Now, circling around the room, they wound up close together.

"I'll distract," Ralph hissed.

"But I'm hurt!"

"So she won't see you as a threat."

Then they split apart as another fireball hit the wall between their heads.

Malon ran left, Ralph ran right, and stuck his tongue out to draw Koume's attention. Juvenile, but it worked.

"Sweetheart, if you expect to take over the world you're _really_ going to need to work on your aim. Does the Big G know you suck so badly?"

"I am going to kill you," Koume growled. "I am going to burn you from the feet up and you are going to die of _smoke inhalation_."

Ralph blinked. "That's your threat? Really?"

"_You_-"

Malon hit her on the back of the head with her pipe so hard it bent.

Koume's eyes rolled back in her head and she crumpled to the ground. Malon poked her with the pipe a couple times, then got down on her knees to check. "She's breathing. Not bleeding or anything. Should we tie her up?"

"Seems like a good idea. Why don't you tear your skirt?"

"Why don't _you_ tear your cape?"

zzz

Kafei slammed the door behind him and braced it as Kotake collided less than a second later. Anju grabbed his hand and pulled him down the hall lit by dim purple light.

There were no sounds of pursuit, but they didn't look back to check. Hand in hand they ran through the eerie passages, Tael bobbing after them, until they rounded a corner and almost crashed right into their friends.

"Kafei!" Ralph exclaimed.

"Malon!" Anju exclaimed.

"Tael!" Tatl exclaimed.

"Anju!" Malon exclaimed.

"Tatl!" Tael exclaimed.

"Ralph!" Kafei exclaimed.

Then all six of them started talking at once.

zzz

Something was wrong. That was all Zelda could figure out. Her mind was full of fog and she felt like she was more than half asleep…but that wasn't right either. All she was aware of was warmth, and the murmur of voices.

"Information is the first step. I've found that the best way to learn about anything, is to shake it and see what happens. The death of the princess and half a dozen of her classmates should accomplish that."

Make that _very_ wrong. Zelda struggled to open her eyes, thought '_Blue_,' then closed them again.

"I may need assistance. Not humans, of course, but I should be able to recruit some of the monsters that have already sprung up. Never had trouble with that. I might contact the Bulblin as well, although I doubt they want to hear from me after last time."

Blue? That wasn't right either. Zelda forced her eyes open once more and twisted around, trying to regain control of her body.

She was still inside that damn crystal, which luckily didn't seem to be airtight, floating in a corner of a large empty room. It looked like a lecture hall, decorated in dark imitation slate, but Ganondorf had made himself at home with a number of black pillars and purple draperies.

The man himself was pacing at the front of the room, where the professor would traditionally stand. He had his hands clasped behind his back and was talking, seemingly to the handful of girls crouched on the floor in front of him, but most likely more to himself.

"You all have been pretty useless since I got here," he said matter-of-factly. "So far the only good I can see of keeping you around is to confuse the hero. And your friends who tried to revolt have made decent ReDeads. I suppose it all depends on whether I can get better help."

"Please don't kill us!" one of the girls wailed.

"Please don't make it so appealing!" Ganondorf snapped back. "I don't believe in keeping anything that is not useful to me, I learned that lesson the hard way, so unless you can figure out some way to help I'm just going to turn all of you into hero fodder."

He glanced up at the crystal. Zelda was on her knees with her hands pressed against one facet, staring. He smiled.

"I'll get back to the rest of you in a moment." He brought the crystal down to eye-level with a gesture, then put his hands behind his back once more. "Have a nice nap, Princess? I thought it would be the best way to keep you quiet."

"You aren't going to get away with this," Zelda heard herself say. Her thoughts were still fuzzy, it all seemed like a dream.

"Perhaps," Ganondorf agreed with a shrug. "I'm an optimist, personally. Winners never quit and quitters never win, right?" He gave that shark's smile. "I like the sayings you people have. It seems like there's one for every possible occasion."

"There is."

"I'm sure. So tell me Princess, what is the cliché for the situation that you find yourself in now?"

"I… I already said it."

Ganondorf threw his head back and laughed, a deep rumble that filled the room and put Zelda in mind of thunder. Threatening.

"I like you!" he said. "All the spunk of your predecessors along with the empowered female mindset of modern girls. You're almost like a man."

"Thanks," she muttered. Ah, irony… "There's another though. Another thing that's said in this kind of situation."

"Oh?"

"Yeah." She gave him a dazzling smile. "Go fuck yourself."

Ganondorf just shook his head. "Always with the bravado. You young people are all the same. And even the not-so-young, like your friend the shadow. Of course," his eyes went distant, "he's currently bleeding to death, so we see how well that works."

Zelda suddenly felt very cold. "Wh…what?"

"The shadow. He's dying. Not quite dead yet, but close enough that he's of no use to me. I'm keeping a metaphorical eye on him, just in case he manages to get his hands on a miracle." He frowned, then turned his attention back to his prisoner. "I hate those, don't you? You can plan and plan and plan, but there's always one little thing you didn't consider. One little thing you didn't know about."

Zelda ignored him, clenching her fists and trying to remember her magic lessons. "If Dark dies…you will too. I don't know who will kill you, but I can think of a dozen people who would be willing to try."

Ganondorf smiled again. "So much concern for someone who's not even human? I'm touched."

"Just because he's not human doesn't mean he's not a _person_." She glared down at her trembling hands. "And he's one of the best people I know."

"That's sweet. If you live, you'll have to write that on his memorial."

"If I live…I will."

A door swung open on the near wall, and another of the interchangeable redheads burst through it. "Sir! Koume and Kotake are both unconscious! And that guy in green is coming! He-"

Ganondorf didn't even twitch, but the girl was suddenly engulfed in purple light. There was a short scream, and then the light and the girl were gone.

"Don't tell me things I already know," Ganondorf said simply. He clapped his hands and turned around. "The hero comes! You know what that means, ladies."

They cringed.

Black shadow began creeping in from the corners of the room. It centered in on Ganondorf and he seemed to swell, growing larger until he was no longer simply a tall man, but a dark giant. The girls as well were clothed now in darkness and purple light, and they climbed jerkily to their feet and stood before him in a row.

"I said you were useless," Ganondorf said in a voice like an earthquake. "Prove me wrong, and you live. Prove me right…and pray the hero kills you first."

He turned to Zelda, his face hidden in shadow except for red molten eyes. "Pay attention Princess. This is what you were born for."

And then the forces of evil turned and faced the door, waiting for the hero chosen by the gods to come and try to stop them.

Ganondorf smiled.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN

No flames please. Remember that the story isn't over yet. Don't assume you know anything until the last word of the last chapter. And even then, I plan on writing a sequel.

If you want to rant about what a bastard Ganondorf is, that's okay. He is one. I wrote him that way on purpose, so I'd consider that a compliment.

Oh, and sorry I didn't write more of the battles with Koume and Kotake. They were pretty boring probably. But they're not done yet either. No assuming!

Right, that's all I got.


	24. The King of Evil Returns!

**Chapter 24. The King of Evil Returns!**

"Is that your blood?" Kafei asked.

Ralph glanced down. "Some of it, yeah."

The four of them were sitting in a hallway, listening to the creaks and thumps coming from above, below, and around. They had decided, pragmatically, that there was no reason to run around any more. Not with what Tatl and Tael had just told them…

"You think Link will be all right?" Malon asked, carefully keeping her voice flat.

"'Course. He's Link! All right so he's got a few issues, but who _doesn't_ nowadays? Besides," Ralph pointed at the ceiling dramatically. "He's the hero, chosen by the gods. If he's not all right, we'll probably die right away anyway, so it won't even matter."

"Thanks," Malon muttered. She leaned against the wall. "Where did the fairies go?"

"Who cares?" Kafei snapped. "Not like they were any help anyway."

"Um, my leg?" Ralph stretched it out and poked Kafei with his shoe.

"Oh…right. Sorry."

"Meh."

They all leaned back against walls and stared at the ceiling.

"When this is all over," Kafei began softly. "I'm going to loosen the hell up. I can't control every little part of my life. I can't control _any_ of it, really. I've got to learn to deal with that."

"When this is all over," Malon said. "I'm getting in touch with Evan. I'm pretty sure I love the guy, I don't know what I'm waiting for. At least this way I'll know if we've got something."

"When this is all over," Anju said. "I'm going to stop caring so much what other people think of me. I can't cook, I forget things, and I'm a crybaby when it comes to movies. But that's who I am, and I don't care what anyone else thinks of it."

"When this is all over," Ralph said. "I'm gonna start telling people the truth. I know everything. All your secrets. And if I know, there are probably others who know too. I refuse to believe I'm the only one who notices things about people.

"Malon," he pointed at her. "Evan loves you too. He's a little bit worried about the whole race thing, but he worries too much anyway. You'll be good for each other. Kafei," he swung his finger over to the boy. "You're overcompensating for your own insecurities by trying to make life into a teen movie. You also hate your parents, which is understandable since they basically ignore you. But you need to forget about them and start living your own life for what it is, instead of what you think it should be. Also, you're a virgin."

Kafei squeaked.

"Anju, you're not."

She gasped and turned beet red.

"Other then that, you're not hiding anything. Good for you."

Malon promptly elbowed Ralph in the gut. "Ow! What?"

"That was _mean_."

"All right, fine then. Everybody," he spread his arms, as though about to make a proclamation. "I have a pierced nipple. That's right! I got it when I was fourteen. It was a bad idea, but I have never let the hole close for some reason. I guess I just feel like, hey, I_have_ it. Why let it go to waste?" He looked around. "We good?"

"I'm good," Kafei said. "You didn't say anything I didn't know anyway."

Anju bit her lip. "Even…"

"Yeah."

"And you don't…"

"'Course not."

"Okay." She leaned against him. "Now what?"

"Now we wait. And…pray."

zzzzz

Years later, when Link was finally over the trauma enough to think back to this night, he would wonder what exactly was going through his head as he ran through the halls of the half-finished building. He never would get it, but the answer was: Nothing. Absolutely nothing was in his head. Link was being propelled by sheer instinct, raw emotion.

He might have gone into a berserker rage, if Tatl hadn't found him.

She caught up with him on a staircase, ringing like a bell and muttering profanities.

"This is what he wants, you know! He wants you to go charging in blindly! He wants you to try to kill him!"

Link still had enough braincells working to growl, "We have the same goal then."

Tatl said nothing, but she moved forward to bob along beside Link's head.

It wasn't far. It seemed like it should have been farther, that there should have been some kind of gap between the battlefields. But it couldn't have been more then a few minutes before Link hopped the last step to the top floor.

It had been completely taken over. Orange flames burned in sconces on the walls, reflecting off the matte black floor. Curls of smokes drifted across the ceiling and down the walls, from no visible source.

"Oh man," Tatl muttered. "I mean, Navi told me about this guy, but…_oh man_."

If Link's brain had been functioning at all, he would have laughed at that.

But the double doors were rising up in front of him, once plastic woodgrain and "unbreakable" glass, now monstrous and black, Old Hylian symbols glowing purple along the edges.

"Can you read that?" Link whispered to Tatl.

"It just says 'Ganon,' over and over."

Link considered that. "He's…he's insane, isn't he?"

"What was your first clue?"

Link walked to the door, noting that this time it stayed firmly shut. Ganon wanted him to choose this time.

"Men weren't meant to live this long." Tatl said softly. "You aren't built for it. This man wasn't stable to begin with…and time has only made it worse. Or so I've heard."

"You haven't met him before?"

"Not him, no. Another crazy-ass evil dude. Kind of dude. Um. It was weird. I was young; I don't remember a lot of it." Her tone grew distant, sad. "I mostly followed the hero around and made fun of him…"

"You haven't changed much then."

She laughed. "Not much!"

Link narrowed his eyes at the doors. "Your hero…won?"

"Yes."

"All right then." He put his hand on the ominous black surface. It was cold. He wasn't surprised.

The doors slid open smoothly, half as heavy as they looked, dim light leaking between them. Link scanned the room, took in the dim light and the decorations, then focused on what he'd come for. Zelda, the blue crystal mounted on a thin art deco pillar done in matte black.

"Welcome, hero." That smug voice echoed throughout the room. "I assume you know what happens now."

"Yeah. I kick your ass."

Ganon's laugh bounced off the walls. "I was hoping you would say something like that! I _love_ this time period!"

Something flickered to the right and Link spun around. The floor in the leveled area where desks would have gone was covered in shadow. Why had Link not noticed that before? Had it been that way this whole time? And where was-

The shadow was moving.

Link wasn't surprised.

One by one, a dozen female shapes emerged from the black. Shadows solidified around them in that stereotypical woman warrior armor that completely failed to cover their weak areas.

Link drew his sword.

The women's faces were covered with huge helmets, so much so that Link wasn't even sure how they could see. But they were walking toward him without any trouble, not even stiff from the metal boots that went up to their thighs.

"I'm not controlling them, you know," Ganon's voice was conversational, as though sharing an interesting fact. "Not entirely. I took away their free will and most of their emotions. But I'm not actively telling them what to do."

The nearest knight girl reached over her shoulder and the black armor materialized a broadsword as long as her arm. It was thick and blunt, more like a paddle then an actual sword.

"Oh, except for that. I told them to do that."

It wasn't a pretty battle, despite the parts of the women that were visible. They fought viciously, but clumsily, trying to hit any part of Link they could reach with their heavy swords. And Link, once again, found himself limited to defense.

"Worried about hurting them, hero? You shouldn't be. They're better off dead by your hand."

The lady knights reacted to this, flinching in unison and redoubling their efforts. They'd either watched too many action movies or not enough, because they attacked one by one, lining up to be beaten.

They were _trying_ to lose.

"How troublesome…" Ganon's voice said thoughtfully. "But, as you people say, if you want a job done right you have to do it yourself."

The girls slowed down, and finally stopped. Link could see them struggling, muscles tightening to fight against whatever was holding them. Their black armor, spiked and decorated with meaningless swirls, slowly began to melt. Like wax running down a candle, until they were pulled down with it into the shadowy black mass on the floor.

The whole process took maybe five seconds.

"Premeditation," Ganon's voice said. Not from the walls this time, but directly behind Link.

He whirled around, nothing there.

"Manslaughter. Conspiracy to commit. So many words for the same thing. I've been in this world for less then seven hours, and I think I may have broken half your laws."

The black on the floor was rippling again, flowing into a vague animal shape, and leaving the sorority girls prone broken and bruised.

"But you've broken a law or two yourself. I've been watching. So it's not the law that separates the good and the bad. It's something else."

The black shape snapped into definition, a massive boar, covered in purple jagged edges. "I confess," the shape said through a mouthful of tusks, "I've never been able to tell the difference. Maybe that's it."

Link was distantly aware the he was backing up. The boar was easily twice as tall as he was, with eyes like a forest fire glaring at him from above a massive dripping snout and-

"Link," a small voice said. He twitched, then remembered Tatl.

"What," he hissed.

"Giant pig."

Link blinked. He looked back at Ganon. Spikes, tusks, otherworldy colors, but… Giant pig.

"Better?"

"Am I allowed to make bacon jokes?"

"Maybe after."

"Better."

The boar scratched at the floor with one hoof, roared so loud it shook the walls, and charged.

It was fast, faster then it looked, and Link had to throw himself to the ground, roll, and make a sort of stumbling run for the opposite wall. How was he supposed to fight a giant boar? It was a _giant boar_!

He hit the wall, bracing himself against it with his free hand, before taking off in another direction. He heard the boar skid on the linoleum floor, and a scrape as some spiked part of it brushed the wall.

There was an idea…

He ran back the way he'd came, dodging unconscious college girls and making a half-hearted arc to the black pillar. Link allowed himself just one glance up, and saw Zelda thrusting her shoulder against the blue crystal in an attempt to topple it over.

Well. He was going to give her a hand with that.

Link didn't look back. He'd been chased before, by monsters and bullies and even cops a time or two, and he knew that looking back just threw you off and slowed you down. The boar would follow. There was no question of that.

When he got to the pillar he threw himself against it, clutching at artificial carving and gasping for breath. And _then_ he looked back, just to make sure, just to time it right.

It was a sight, one of many, that would haunt his dreams later. A huge wild animal, red rage burning in its eyes, growling and _grinning_ as it barreled down on him with every intention to kill.

Link didn't have to fake the fear as he let the boar get closer and closer.

Then, when his fight or flight instinct was shouting at the top of its metaphorical lungs, he took off running once again.

Behind him, he heard a crack.

Followed by a crash.

Followed by a scream and a roar almost at the same moment.

"Light!" Zelda shouted. Link turned in time to see her, kneeling among the remains of the crystal, one hand held out toward the Ganon-boar. Golden light burst from her fingertips, spreading until Link had to cover his eyes with an arm to keep from being blinded. He didn't look up until he heard heels on linoleum running toward him.

Zelda threw herself into his arms, graced him with a brief killer death grip on his neck, then grabbed his arm and they both ran for it.

The boar was on its feet, shaking its head and stamping its hooves. The fiery eyes looked blearily at a wall for a moment, before focusing in on the fleeing teenagers.

It growled.

"Can you do that again?" Link panted, trying to ignore the pounding of hooves.

"Yes, but it won't be enough by myself. Can you help?"

"Just tell me what you need me to do."

The boar chased them back and forth across the room while Link and Zelda had a quick breathless conversation. The sorority girls were basically piled in one spot, so they were easy to avoid. The few that were moving seemed to have the sense to stay put. Still, it was probably a good idea to stay away from that part of the room.

A quick loop around the dangerously askew black pillar, a mad dash past tapestries that were fading into mist, and a final stand in the far corner of the room.

There was an electrical outlet on the wall that Ganon had missed or forgotten, and bits of plaster chipped off all around it.

How much of this room was illusion, and how much was crumbling around them?

The boar charged.

Link and Zelda stood side by side. Link drew the Master Sword, and together they raised it, the tip of the blade pointed directly between the boar's eyes.

"LIGHT!"

zzz

The campus was quiet. It was always quiet, lately. This was worse then two years ago when there were all those robberies. This didn't even have an explanation. Somehow, for some reason, everyone had simultaneously become afraid of the dark.

But not even the dark could keep college students in their beds when a building exploded.

zzz

"Holy fuck on a fuck stick!"

Ralph groaned as the high-pitched voice invaded his senses. His head was pounding, his ears were ringing, and-

Wait, what?

"That doesn't even make sense, sis."

"It's profanity. It doesn't HAVE to make sense."

Some subconscious part of Ralph's mind had him moving before he even opened his eyes. He appeared to be lying on his back, so he rolled over and pushed himself up on his elbows.

"What-" he started to say, then was overcome with a fit of coughing.

"Red's up!" on of the voices shouted. He finally forced his eyes open and saw a couple of fuzzy lights.

"Boy-Red or Girl-Red?" the yellow one asked. Oh right… That was Tatl. For a second he'd forgotten that-

Suddenly he was on his feet as a dozen memories assaulted him at once. "Holy shit! What happened? Where's Link? Where's-" He doubled over, coughing again.

"Woah, woah, take it easy." A warm arm wrapped around his shoulders. "You're _green_."

"I…" He looked down at his hand. "No 'm not." He looked further down. "Is that my blood?"

"Some of it, yeah."

Ralph swallowed hard, and made himself look up. "Oh, Navi."

"That's me." She gave him a reassuring smile that completely failed to be reassuring.

"You okay?"

"Yes."

"Th' others okay?"

"Yes."

"'M_I_ okay?"

"You will be." Her smile turned impressed. "I didn't even know you_knew_ Farore's Wind."

"Never tried it before…"

"It takes a lot out of you, as I'm sure you've noticed. Especially with so many people."

"Then… I got everyone out? Everyone's okay?"

"You… Yes. Everyone's okay." There it was again. That not-very-reassuring smile. Even half-dead, Ralph could pick up on those little clues that so many people missed.

"What happened?"

"Nothing!" Her answer was just a bit too fast. "Everything is fine! Look!" She gestured with her free arm.

Sure enough, Kafei, Anju, and Malon were sitting nearby. There was a concrete table with attached benches not a hundred yards away, but they had chosen to sit in a sort of huddle on the dew-damp grass. Typical. _They_ hadn't even been doing magic.

It took less then a second for Ralph to notice what was wrong with this scene. His friends were sporting more bloodstains, for one thing, and Anju's mascara was running down her cheeks. And the really disturbing thing was that he could make out these details without any trouble.

"Where's that light coming from?"

"Oh… Well…"

He spotted the yellow and purple balls of light hovering nearby. "And why is Tatl here? I thought she went with Link."

"She…she did, but-"

"In fact, I thought _you_ went with Link."

"I stayed behind…" Pain flickered in her softly glowing blue eyes. "With Dark."

Ralph straightened up and pushed her arm away. "What happened?" he asked again.

"It- it's sort of confusing. I don't know all the details. I-"

"What_happened_?"

Navi rubbed the bridge of her nose. "What do you remember?"

"The walls started glowing, with these crazy purple sygils, so we figured it'd be better to leave. We ran into these…skeleton things. And then the sygils turned red and the walls started cracking, so I just did the teleport thing. Farore's Wind."

"Yes. Well. Okay, from what we can tell, Ganon decided to set all of the monsters under his control on 'Attack' mode…while he was busy fighting Link. Then something happened, and his control sort of, shattered." She pointed over Ralph's shoulder. "Along with the building."

An unpleasant icy feeling spread through Ralph's stomach, and he turned around.

The science building was gone. Collapsed in on itself, as though it simply couldn't support its own weight. It wasn't like the building down town, which had been mostly evaporated, this was like a fallen house of cards made of steel and plaster. On fire.

"Where are the others?" Ralph asked. "Link and Zelda? Dark?"

When he was answered by nothing but silence, Ralph turned his head to look back at Navi.

"Where are my friends?"

She shook her head; that flicker of pain crossing her features once more. "I don't know."

zzz

"I'm not strong…" Zelda murmered. She had her face buried in Link's neck, normally something he enjoyed.

"What?"

"I'm not strong. I'm not strong. I'm paranoid and shy and I cry at night when the magazines say I'm anorexic or a tweaker or whatever new rumor they accept as fact." She looked up at Link, glitter eyeshadow smeared across her cheeks. "I act so confident and in control but I'm so _scared_ Link. I'm sorry… I'm just some weak little damsel who needs to be rescued. I'm so sorry…"

Link took hold of her chin. "What have I told you about apologizing?"

"Punch in the face?"

"Not tonight." He kissed her softly on the mouth. "You've always been strong for me when I needed you. It's only fair that I be strong for you too. Besides," he gestured at the endless black expanse they were standing in, "I'm pretty sure this is what I was born for."

If Link had ever bothered to think about what infinity would look like, this would have been it. Just flat nothingness, forever in all directions. No movement or sound. Not even a visible light source, although he wasn't having any trouble seeing. He didn't know how long they'd been standing there, him and Zelda, especially since she'd latched onto him as soon as she realized they weren't being chased anymore, and even in these tense situations she still had the ability to make time stop.

But it wasn't going to stay flat and boring forever, Link knew that. He'd done his research, and besides, he was starting to get an idea of how Ganon thought… Bringing them to this place for a final showdown. It was cliché, but then, the cliché had to come from somewhere.

No one was exactly surprised when purple letters began glowing in the air.

They looked like Olde Hylian, nothing Link could read although he thought he saw a word that might have been "he." Or maybe "I." Definitely a pronoun.

The letters spun around them, light blurring until it formed a wall. Ganon's deep rumbling laugh filled the endless space.

Again, no surprise.

The wall was still now, insubstantial but undoubtedly real, boxing Link and Zelda in. There was a brief shimmer at the other end of the enclosure and Ganon stepped forth. He was still wearing the brown suit, but his hair was hanging loose and his eyes were glowing brighter then ever.

"And thus, it ends. As it has so many times before."

Link drew the Master Sword and crouched down. He was aware of Zelda taking a battle stance beside him, but kept his eyes on the enemy. "I can't think of anything badass to say," he murmured.

"Be the strong silent type then. Chicks dig that."

Ganon spread his arms, the ground rumbled, and black armor flew from nowhere to cover him head to foot. He laughed again, a hint of wildness in the tone.

Red eyes blazed from a helmet shaped like a boar's head.

"Have at you, hero."

Link was running before the last word was out. Everything hurt, his head was pounding, but somehow he wasn't worried. Somehow…he knew what he was doing.

Ganon met his blow with a massive flat sword that had come from the same nowhere as his armor. Link could see a flash of white teeth behind the false boar's tusks.

Then Zelda was beside him, shouting words he could not understand and striking out with a lance of golden light. Ganon hissed at that, blocking it with a studded leather glove.

They traded blows back and forth, blades scraping off metal or barely missing flesh. Light in gold and blue and red and purple exploding in the air all around them. Every time Link got more a then a few feet away from Ganon the evil king would hurl a ball of purple lightning at him. And when Zelda did the same Ganon treated her to some kind of black singularity that sucked at the air and sent waves through the featureless ground. Not even aiming, just proving he could. And he kept _laughing_. It got more and more uncontrolled as time went on.

"I won't lose, hero. Not this time."

Link didn't respond, but Zelda took advantage of the distraction to finally make a direct hit. A bolt of sunshine struck Ganon's helmet, causing it to burst into what looked disturbingly like computer pixels.

"I won't _lose_!" Ganon roared.

He was wild now, switching between laughing and growling seemingly without outside stimuli. His strikes were more controlled, and faster. He aimed for Link's chest and head, killing blows, and blocked Links' counter attacks without effort.

Zelda's magic had better effect, but was counter by the fact that she had to say the name of whatever she was doing. Ganon blocked her as well, and whatever he couldn't block he dodged. One massive attack, hissed under her breath in an attempt to hide it, would most likely have finished the job if the man hadn't grabbed Link by his sword arm and swung him in front for a shield.

The gold light hit Link and he screamed as it flooded through him. He'd never felt so much _energy_ before, searing through his veins like liquid fire.

"Do you want to know something, hero?" Ganon growled in his ear. "You'll like it, it's _pointless_."

He shoved Link away, roughly, and it was all Link could do to keep on his feet. The light… It had been so much. Had the other heroes felt this? Had they felt the power of the goddesses flowing through their bodies? Had they felt like they could crush mountain with their bare hands? Stop the tide? Had they felt like they could-

"Your shadow is dead."

_KILL_.

The light inside Link burst into flame. He could feel nothing but the sword in his grip and the power coursing through him. He whirled on Ganon, swinging the Master Sword again and again and again, aiming for any piece of flesh he could find, no thought in his head but to HURT. He thought he might be screaming, screaming so hard his throat burned with it.

Ganon's laugh, that damn laugh, filled his ears. He didn't know if Ganon was laughing now or if it was just a memory, but he remembered more. He remembered Ganon's hand on Dark's neck… Thick fingers twined in his hair… The haunted look in his brother eyes…

Slowly, other sounds and sensations filtered in. Ganon was fighting back, he saw. Not laughing, but gritting his teeth and growling, his eyes pinpoints focused on Link's sword. Link was winning, he realized vaguely. All he needed to defeat the King of Evil was to go temporarily insane.

He heard Zelda screaming; anguished wails, the occasional curse word, and harsh declarations in Olde Hylian, punctuated by fire and light. Her voice made him realize he was shouting too, though there were no words in it. Not even any consonants. He screamed rage and pain and it felt _good_.

And suddenly, there was a moment, one single moment, where he hit that perfect balance between berserker and tactician…and he knew what to do.

Not the head, not the chest, but somewhere more vulnerable. He ducked down beneath Ganon's great sword and dodged behind him and sunk the side of his sword into the back of Ganon's knee.

The King of Evil cried out and collapsed, barely supporting himself on one leg. Zelda knew a chance when she saw it, and that familiar bolt of gold light lanced down from the air and pierced Ganon through the chest.

"Now Link!" she shouted, voice hoarse. "The Master Sword is the only thing that can finish this."

He didn't even hesitate. The faces of his friends, his classmates, even the sorority girls, flash in his mind and he raised his sword and drove the blade into the center of Ganon's ribs.

He'd taken Health class. He knew where the heart was.

The black armor drizzled away, not-pixels falling to the ground like motes of dust. Ganon seemed frozen, his flat sword already gone but his hands still raised. His face frozen in a look of shock and pain. A trickle of blood, ordinary red contrary to the legend, escaped from the corner of his mouth.

"It's finished," Link gasped. He was distantly aware that something was bleeding. "You lost."

"Yes," Ganon said softly. His lips quirked up in a smile. "I'm so glad."

Link stared in shock as Ganondorf, King of the Gerudo, the closest thing to a devil Hylians had, lurched to his feet. He touched his chest, looked at the blood, and chuckled just a little. He tilted his head to look at Zelda, off to one side, and favored her with a smile as well.

Then the wound on his chest burst forth with golden light and everything; Ganon, the purple walls, the black nothingness, was gone.

Link and Zelda were left standing among the smoldering ruins of yet another uninhabited building, sacrificed to megalomania.

They fell into each others arms, unable to speak, unable to think, just wanting to cling to the closest warm body and remind themselves that they were alive. Link thought he might have been crying, and there was a wet spot on his shoulder that meant either Zelda was crying too, or she was bleeding from her head.

And then there were lights, and voices, and Link looked up to see all his friends and coworkers and someone asking him, "What happened?"

"It's over," Link said, surprised at the harshness of his own voice. "It's over."

"Then we won?"

Link squeezed his eyes shut and clutched Zelda tighter. "Yes. We won."

And then someone asked the question he'd been dreading since the moment he saw his brother by Ganon's side.

"What happened to Dark?"

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

GIANT BOAR.

Sorry. I was just really excited about that. I have no idea why.

So yeah this chapter took me, like, two months? Three? I'm sorry! I really am. But I swore I would have another by Christmas and HERE IT IS. 'Sgot a giant boar in it. Entire climax in one chapter! Suck it!

Why yes, it is almost three in the morning. Why do you ask?

Also, Darkdams. That's what I've named the sorority girls in the dark armor. Like a Darknut is a knight, right? And the female equivalent of a knight is a dame so Darkdams. I should probably try to draw them one a' these days but I'm too busy being obsessed with_Making Money_ WHICH IS AWESOME GO BUY IT.

Only one chapter to go, then the epilogue which will be really short. I might try to finish it all by the end of the year, because that would be cool, but I doubt I'll manage. Stupid real life.

Start asking me things now! I want to make sure the next two chapters answer any questions you may have had about the story so ask while you can!

GIANT BOAR.


	25. Gas Masks Protect From Depression!

**Chapter 25: Gas Masks Protect Employees From Depression!**

Malon and Anju were crying. Zelda and Kafei were both glaring at the ground in an effort not to join them. Link was simply slumped against the nearest tree, bone-weary. And Ralph was pacing back and forth in front of them all, also glaring, but not trying to stop the tears running down his cheeks.

"What's the _point_!" he exploded. "What's the _godsdamned_ point if we can't save the ones we-" he stopped, choking on the last word, and went back to pacing.

Link and Zelda had told the others, in monosyllables and broken sentences, what they'd seen. Ganon, the girls, and Dark. The final battle. Purple. It seemed wrong somehow, that the story had only taken up a few minutes.

Now the fairies were off searching the smoking ruins for signs of, well, anything. And students and faculty of the college were showing up, here and there. Link and the others were far enough away from the remains of the building that no one had given them a second thought, taking them for Freshmen come to look at the carnage. It was dark, with the fire dying down, so no one even noticed their outfits.

There were voices and shouts all around. Half the crowd seemed to be on the phone. Already there were sirens going off in the distance. Someone near the building screamed a girl's name.

Link watched the circus for a few moments, then curled up and rested his head on his knees. It was over. It hadn't ended the way he wanted…but it was over. That was all he could seem to think. It was over. Everything, even the stuff that hadn't seemed connected, was over and done with. His life had changed so much in just a few months; it didn't even seem like his any more. He had a girlfriend. A job. He'd doubled his number of friends. He knew about his past and his family. He'd even saved the world. If it weren't for one little thing, just one tiny detail, everything would have been perfect.

And there was nothing he could _do_. He'd thought defeating Ganon would help, somehow, but it didn't change the fact that… that Dark…

"Hey!"

He raised his head enough to see Navi, in her human form, jogging toward them. She looked nearly as tired as he felt, and was carrying a piece of fabric in her hand.

"Well?" Ralph snapped. Link had seen him like this before. Whenever Ralph was upset he turned bossy. It got worse in proportion to how upset he was. Which meant the next few days… weeks… who knew how long, were going to involve taking a lot of orders.

"Looks like all the girls got out safely," Navi said. "But the campus police were already up and about by then, so I think they've all been rounded up."

"And the twins?"

"One of them is handcuffed to a bench. The other is unconscious. What did you guys _do_ to them?"

"Nothing as bad as they planned to do to us." His tone was ominous, nearly a growl.

"Well, that's all I found. Except for this," she extended the bit of fabric toward Ralph, and he stared at in surprise for a moment before taking it from her hand.

He held it between two fingers, looking at it like he didn't understand what it was. "My… my hat…" He sunk to the ground, staring at it. "My hat." Slowly he began to laugh. "Of all the things to survive! My godsdamned _hat_!" He pulled his arm back, as though preparing to throw it away, then stopped and let it drop from his fingers. "Dammit…"

"That's all?" Zelda asked. Her voice was still hoarse from all the shouting.

Navi paused before nodding. "Yes. There were no signs of…anyone who might have still been in the building. Alive or otherwise."

"What happened then? Where- Why did you…" she clenched her fists in the dirt, "leave him?"

Navi sat down beside Ralph, absent-mindedly rubbing his shoulder. "He was already gone. I'd been healing him, just a little bit at a time to keep him from bleeding out, but just before that big surge of magic, when Ganon decided to pull out the big guns, he just…faded away. His clothes, everything, gone. I don't know what happened. Maybe I left it too long, maybe Ganon killed him. I don't know."

"Faded?" Ralph repeated, distantly. "Like a shadow?"

"I really don't know. When monsters- er- things not of this world, die…they tend to fade away, or explode. They're not from here, they don't belong here. It's their life force that's holding them here, and when that fades…so do they."

They sat there in silence for a long while, listening to the chatter and the sirens.

"He said to tell you-"

"I don't care," Link interrupted, not even raising his head.

"But-"

"NO!"

Silence fell once again.

A car pulled up somewhere behind them, and a few more voices were added to the ones already around them. Including on familiar one.

"Ah-ha! I thought that was you." Impa, all six-foot-five of her, shoved aside a branch and glared at the group. "Who was shouting?"

Link raised a hand.

"Oh. Hell. What happened?"

"Anyone else getting sick of people asking that?" Ralph muttered.

"Ganon's gone," Zelda answered her. "And…so is Dark."

"Oh." Impa considered that for a moment. "Hell. He seemed like a nice kid."

"He…was." She stumbled over the past tense.

Impa took a few steps back and surveyed the group. "First things first… We need to minimize the interest in this-"

"A_building_ exploded," Ralph said dryly. Impa ignored him.

"And get all of you out of here without- Wait," she pointed at Navi, "aren't you the manager of that ice cream place? What are you doing here?"

"Helping," Navi said. "As best I can."

"All right, you're on crowd control with me. Everybody up!" Navi obeyed immediately, but the teenagers just stared at her.

"Did you puncture your eardrums? We are _moving_. You can mourn later. This isn't over yet."

Zelda was the first one to sigh and climb to her feet. Malon followed, then one by one the others did as well. Link didn't move until Impa silently offered him a hand and tugged him off the ground.

"And we're walking." Impa strode forward, trusting the others to follow her. "It's dark, and you aren't the only high school kids I've seen here, so you should be able to blend in. I want you all to go and mingle with the crowd while I run damage control." She reached into her suit jacket and pulled out a pair of sunglasses and an earpiece. Suddenly she looked like a G-man come to mindwipe the witnesses. The part of Link's brain that wasn't still screaming noted that this probably wouldn't quiet any rumors…but it would definitely change them, move them further from the truth.

Zelda noticed something else. "Hey Impa? How did you even know we'd be here? You're here before the police."

"Oh that," she shrugged, still not turning. "Toby called me."

"Toby?"

Link blinked. "Wasn't that our limo driver's name?"

"Impa!" Zelda exclaimed. "You told me you weren't going to assign someone to me tonight!"

"No, you _asked_ me not to. I never actually said I wouldn't."

"Impa!"

"And it's a good thing I did too." She paused. "You kids…haven't broken any laws, have you?"

"None that weren't in self-defense."

"Okay, in that case." She winced. "You'll have to tell the police the truth. All of it. They'll believe you too. With the things that have been happening these last few months, I'd be surprised if they didn't know it already."

They were near the former building now, the fires successfully put out my enterprising students. There were more people around then Link had expected, fully enough to fill a lecture hall, and that wasn't counting security. Impa had been right, there were a few other high school-age kids around, most of them still wearing period dress. No one Link was too familiar with, but there was no doubt they would recognize him. Last year he'd been the big basketball star, and now he was dating the princess. It was only a matter of time before he had Weekly Hyrule News articles about love children and alien probes.

Impa drew herself up to her full, impressive, height. "Blend," she ordered, and then marched off.

"Excuse me! Can I have your attention please, everyone? Is anyone hurt?"

There was a chorus of negative replies, and Impa smiled in a rather predatory manner. "All right, can I have everyone gather up here? Yes, that's right. Everyone please! You kids over there too!"

Impa turned her black-lensed gaze on Link and the others, and they obeyed meekly, merging with the sixty-or-so other young people effortlessly.

"Who here likes freedom of the press?" Impa asked, and then surveyed the group in front of her. "Wow, that's everyone. Now, here's a different question; who likes _not _getting hit in the head with a lead pipe? It's okay to think about it... Looks like it's everyone again. Now let's say you could only choose one..."

Zelda stepped up beside Link and took his hand, and they all stood there and listened as Impa matter-of-factly informed them all that they _would_ be going to bed and getting some sleep, and whether they did this with or without all their teeth was up to them.

Then they watched as the entire crowd broke up and fled to their respective dorms and apartments, leaving the campus security befuddled and afraid. Impa did her I-can-OWN-you walk over to their golf carts and began speaking. Giving orders, it looked like. The rent-a-cops were clearly not prepared for what had just happened, so they obeyed her with what looked like both fear and gratitude.

"Now what?" Link asked. Or tried to anyway. His vocal chords had shut themselves off in self-defense, and he was forced to cough and clear his throat a couple of times before he could from recognizable words.

"Oh hon," Navi rushed over. "Here, let me." She placed a cool hand on his neck, and for a second his vision went blue. Then, just like that, he felt fine. He tested a few of his joints, and there was no trouble anywhere. Not even a touch of stiffness.

"How?" he asked, not even bothering to finish the question.

"Great fairy, remember? A little unorthodox, maybe, but I can do everything those naked bints can."

"Oh…" He didn't say what else he was thinking. He didn't have to. Navi turned away with pain in her eyes, and gave Zelda the same treatment.

And then something twitched in Link's mind, that odd feeling he got when something dangerous was in the area. Not quite the Bad Place feeling from before, just an instinctual twinge that alerted him he might need to fight.

"Your highness," a voice came, "I was hoping not to find you here."

Link saw Zelda smile wryly, then the entire group turned and faced the man approaching them.

He was not exactly old, although clearly out of middle age. There was a fitness about him that made the term "old man" seem inappropriate. He had a broad frame under a well-worn trenchcoat, and Link recognized the bulge of a shoulder holster at the front.

"Detective," Zelda greeted him. "I've got to admit, I was hoping I _would_ find you."

"Well," he copied her wry smile, "you and I do have a good working relationship."

"Uh-huh. Every time I get stalked I run crying to you and you beat up the guy for me."

The detective chuckled. "Something like that. Please tell me this," he gestured at the ruined building, "is not related to that poor young man from the last time."

"No, not as far as I know." She pulled a face. "And I still don't understand how you can feel sorry for him."

"You will someday. It's not all that difficult. So what _did_ happen here?" He nodded at her entourage. "And who are you friends?"

Zelda quickly went down the list, giving everyone's names and how she knew them. There were other police officers arriving now, spreading out and brandishing yellow tape. The detective seemed somehow aware of them, but at the same time kept his focus on the princess. Link realized that _this_ was the man who'd set off his "danger senses." And he felt oddly comforted by that. This detective had the makings of a hero.

If Ganon had only arrived forty or fifty years earlier…

"Your highness!"

Impa made her appearance just as Zelda finished the introductions, adding, wryly, "And you know Impa, my chief of security."

"You don't have to talk to him, Princess," Impa said, shooting the older man a glare.

"Actually, I rather think she does," the detective smiled at her, genuine warmth in his eyes. "I being the law, and all."

"Stay out of this, Auru. It's more then you can handle."

"Really? Because it looks to me like the situation has been 'handled' already. This is just cleanup. And, of course, justice. Or do you _want_ the ones responsible for this to walk the streets by sunup?"

"The one _responsible_ for this is long gone."

"Then I want the ones who brought him here."

They glared at each other, eyes shooting daggers, for a long moment. Then the corner of Auru's mouth twitched up in a smile.

"You know, Impa, I can never get over how much you've grown. I never thought, back when I taught you how to hold a gun, you would turn into such a capable…and beautiful, woman."

And then, much to everyone's surprise, Impa's face flushed red. "You old…_man_! This is serious!"

"Oh I don't doubt it, but as you said, the one responsible for this is gone. I think we can take a little time to exchange pleasantries."

"I! You!" Her blush spread out all the way to the tips of her ears. "Just- just do your job!"

"I intend to." He nodded at Zelda. "Your highness, would you and your friends mind giving a statement to one of my officers? Just to confirm what I think we already know. There's no need to go into detail."

"Yeah…okay."

Auru gestured to a man in uniform, who took Zelda and the others to the nearest car, then left to get them a thermos of coffee.

"Zelda," Link said softly.

"Yes Link?"

"Am I completely insane, or is Miss Impa in love with that cop?"

"Oh she is. For years now. I can't get her to do anything about it though. Something about age difference or how important her career is or some shit."

"You…didn't tell Dark that."

"I-" She smiled wryly, once again. "I thought it would be funny to watch him try."

Link stared at the ground. "It…would have been."

Then the cop returned, everyone got scalding paper cups of cheap coffee, and the questioning began.

It took two hours, filling in the blanks. The police, despite their absence from the scene of every giant monster attack or exploding building in the last few months, had nonetheless discovered what was behind it and had been preparing to do something about it. No one questioned anything about Ganondorf, magic, college girls, or magic swords. A couple of the younger cops wanted to hold the Master Sword, but Auru chased them off and told them to get back to work.

One thing Link found out, was that three months ago there had been sixteen girls living in the Delta Delta Delta house. Now there were ten. Nabooru was in hiding, and at least one had been turned into a ReDead, but that left four unaccounted for.

The remaining ten had all been taken into custody, although most of them were going to have to make a stop at the hospital before receiving their traditional orange jumpsuits. Koume still hadn't regained consciousness, but it didn't seem to be serious. Ralph and Malon both sighed with relief at hearing that, and refused to explain why.

"You kids can go home," Auru said, finally, when he noticed that not even the surprisingly-strong coffee was doing the trick. "Get some rest. We won't need anything else from you until Monday."

Zelda nodded gratefully. "Thank you, Detective. I'm sorry we couldn't have helped before."

"I think you helped enough." He glanced at Link. "You know, you remind me of someone… Nice kid. Shame what happened to him."

Link blinked blearily at him. "What do you mean?"

"It was back when I worked in the capital. Must have been, oh, seventeen years now. His name was Woods. Not a relative?"

Link's eyes widened. "_What_ Woods?"

"Not sure. It was a long time ago, and I only knew him in passing. Luke, I think? No."

"Link?" he offered, voice dropping to whisper.

"That may have been-" he stopped, and gave Link a sharp look. "Isn't that _your_ name?"

Link nodded, helplessly. He could feel himself trembling.

"Link Woods… Yes, I think that was it. So he _was_ a relative then?"

Link nodded again, weariness overtaking him. "Yes. He was. Did you… Did you know if he had a girlfriend at the time? Someone from out of the country."

"There was a young lady who came asking a few weeks after he died. Very young, in fact. I remember thinking she looked ill… And I remember the name too, because it wasn't one I'd heard before."

"What was it?"

"Tetra."

Link felt his knees buckle, and he was on the ground laughing. Tears he didn't think he had falling from his eyes. "Tetra!" he exclaimed, voice shaking as much as the rest of him. "My mother's name was Tetra!"

He felt Zelda's arms wrap around his shoulders, and from the change in the light he thought his other friends might have formed a barrier around him.

"Can we go now?" he heard Ralph ask. "It's been a long night."

"Yes, of course. But listen, tell your friend if he comes down to the station I can get him Link Woods' complete file-"

"I will. But I think right now he needs to lie down before he passes out."

"Fair enough. Let me get a couple cars for you. Do you-"

"No," Zelda said, her mouth right beside Link's ear. "Tell him no. Impa will take us."

"Impa will take us," Ralph passed on.

"Fair enough."

There was some more discussion, then Link was herded into a car and pressed in on all sides by his friends. It could have been an hour, it could have been mere seconds, the rest of what was left of the night passing in a gray fog. At one point someone's hands went delving in his pockets and found his keys, and eventually he was dumped on a couch and once again surrounded by people.

It was then that he woke up. "What?" he asked vaguely.

"Mind of we crash here for a while?" Ralph grinned beside him.

"Um?"

"Because we are, either way."

"Oh… Okay." Link looked around. They were in his living room, late-night cartoons blaring on the TV, six people somehow managing to crowd onto one couch. Granted it was a big one, but…

"No one wanted to be alone," Zelda murmured from where she was curled on his other side.

"Oh…" he wrapped his arm around her.

And there, his friends and the woman he loved piled up like kittens around him, Link finally fell asleep.

zzz

Link didn't know what woke him. A change in the light perhaps. A sound from outside. But he went from the muddy dreamless world of exhausted sleep, to the gray-lit and numb-limbed world of waking.

It felt like a dream though, where he knew what he had to do without knowing how he knew it. He carefully moved Zelda's head from his shoulder and Ralph's from his lap (deciding that he would NOT inform his friend of what he had been using as a pillow) and tried to shake the circulation back into his limbs as he crossed the living room to the door.

Shadows flickered under it in the early morning light. He could hear cars off in the distance, birds and a dog barking. And something told him to open the door.

There was a shadow on the stoop. A long black one, amorphous and seemingly unconnected to anything in the yard. Link stared at it, already knowing the answer but unable to put it in terms his sleep-addled brain could comprehend.

As he stared, at a loss, his own dim gray shadow merged into inky black one and stretched out in a perfect sharp-edged profile. Then it stretched upward.

A matte black copy of himself, right down to the bedhead and torn costume, stood before him. It opened red glowing eyes, and detail snapped into focus. His own face, but with black hair, olive-hued skin, and what could only be described as fangs.

"Hey there brother," Dark grinned at him. "Mind if I crash here for a while?"

Link punched him in the face.

THE END

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

AN:

BWAhahahahahahaha!!!

Totally had you going there for a while, didn't I? Yeah, you know I couldn't really kill Dark. I love him too much.

WTF Auru? What are you doing in this fic? Your game hadn't even come out yet when I started this. And hooking up with Impa? You old DOG!

Yes, I am slightly obsessed with the minor characters in Twilight Princess. You will see more of this in the sequel. Yes there is a sequel. Did I announce this already? I think I did. It is...4:17 AM as I type this. I've been listening to Zelda remixes for the last two hours and been eating nothing but cherry cordials I got from work. Working at Target is pretty cool. I got this...big-ass box of cereal... I'm really tired.

So yeah. All that's left now is the epilogue. ASK QUESTIONS. I want to make sure no one has any lingering issues with the fic. There is one major plot point that I do not think anyone actually figured out, which is fine because I only really barely hinted at it, but it has to do with Dark and it is not happy and I'll go ahead and hint some more next chapter.

Oh yeah, Link's family. Still one last thing to learn about them too, and it's a fun revelation. Try and guess! The only reason I named Link's mom Tetra is because I absolutely CANNOT hook a Link up with anyone other then a Zelda, in any of my fics, ever, so I had to use the only other (female) name Zelda has ever had.

GIANT BOAR.

I need sleep.


	26. Epilogue

**Epilogue: Our Last Issue!**

The school bell cut through a rather pleasant daydream involving a desert island and the cast of _Pirates of the Caribbean_, leaving Link to grab his books and binder more-or-less on autopilot. Kafei and Ralph found him in the hallway, Ralph sporting khaki shorts and enjoying the stares the massive scar on his calf was drawing.

"So it's Friday, girls," he grinned. "You know what that means?"

"Ummm…weekend?" Kafei guessed.

"New videos on the Adult Swim website?" Link suggested.

"I'm out of time to return that Ikea bookshelf?"

"It's been nearly a week since you slept with Dark and you're not allowed to use gay slang anymore?"

"I will stop when someone punches me for it, and not a moment before." He stuck out his lower lip. "But no."

"What then?"

"Friday is when the new tabloids come out!" He pulled a rolled-up black-and-white magazine from the outside pocket of his backpack and shoved it at them. "Tah-daaaah!"

Link and Kafei stared at the magazine, sheer horror coloring their faces.

"No…" Kafei whispered. "It does _not_ say that."

"What- But- HOW? When? Why- What? _How_?"

"Shocking, innit?" Ralph turned it so he could read off the cover. "'The Final Issue of the Weekly Hyrule News.' End of an era, girls. And as sad as that may be…that's not even the most shocking thing."

"What could be more shocking then this?" Link snatched it from Ralph's hands and began flipping through the pages. "I didn't even know they were in trouble. I mean, I read this thing all the time. Granted I usually steal it from Kafei, but Kafei buys it. Kafei why didn't you buy it this week?"

"I usually get it on Monday when I pick up my weekly hair products." The other two stared at him. "I switch shampoos every week to keep the gloss up,_okay_?"

"I'm not using gay slang any more," Ralph said. "It's no fun when it's actually relevant."

"Lick me."

There was a pause.

"Link? I just used your thing. Link?" He leaned over Link's shoulder to see what had captivated his attention. "What- _Holy fucking crap_!"

Ralph laughed and joined them. "Told you!"

Together, the three of them made a fairly decent roadblock. The crowd was already thinning as students suffering from early pangs of "it's nearly summer" got the hell out of there, but it was enough of an impediment that the only ones that Link actually cared about were able to find him easily.

"Whatchoo guys lookin' at?" Zelda threw an arm around Link's shoulder and leaned over him.

She gasped.

"Somebody say something," Malon demanded. "There are too many shoulders to read over."

Wordlessly, Link turned the magazine around and displayed the article. It was a two-pager, right in the middle, divided only by staples and poorly-done photo edits. The title was displayed in white block letters against a black background.

_THE KING OF EVIL RETURNS!!!_

"Woah," Malon leaned in closer. "What are the odds of that?"

"Pretty good, I'd say," Ralph replied cheerfully. "Did any of you look at the byline?"

As one, his five friends looked at Ralph, then looked at the magazine.

_By Dark Woods_

"I'm going to kill him," Link said flatly. "I am actually going to kill him. I am going to put my hands around his scrawny neck and _choke_ the_life_ out of him!"

"Easy there, big boy," Ralph carefully began prying his magazine out of Link's clenched fists. "It's only been six days since Dark's last near-death experience. Don't you think you should give him some time to rest?"

"If he wanted to live he wouldn't have written this article. Or used my last name for that matter."

"But Woods _isn't_ your last name," Ralph pointed out. "Not yet."

"Well, no, I have to be eighteen before I can change it. But that's not the _point_! Wait," he stopped. "How did Dark even _know_ my last name is Woods? He was all recovering in the shadow plane or whatever when we found that out. And I don't think I told him. Did one of you?"

The others shook their heads.

"You're going to work today, aren't you?" Zelda asked. It was true. Link had missed that last three Saturdays, and Navi had decided to exert her influence as his boss and make him come in after school for the week. "You can yell at him then."

"I plan to."

The article was, word for word, _exactly_ what had happened late last Saturday night (or very very early last Sunday morning, whichever way you wanted to look at it). Some of the details were glossed over, and no names were mentioned, but there was no doubt that it was written by someone who had been there.

Except…Dark hadn't been there. Not for the running around and fighting parts. So how…

That was another question to yell at him.

"I can't believe you _cried_," Ralph laughed. They'd been having this conversation all week.

"I can't believe you _kissed_ him."

Ralph shrugged. "Someone had to. I got there first."

"I'm still confused by the whole thing," Kafei admitted. "I mean, I'm not complaining or anything, but why is Dark alive?"

"It was a gamble on his part," Link said. "He'd been lying there bleeding, right? With Navi healing him just a little bit at a time so he didn't die. But when he sensed Ganon pulling back all of his power to fight me and Zelda, he realized that he was probably too distracted to pay attention to Dark. So he turned into a shadow and hid somewhere for a while."

"So why did he let us think he was dead for four hours?"

"I don't think he thought we thought he was dead. Plus he had to, like…get his energy back? Or heal? Something. I don't understand shadow physiology."

"I don't think even Dark does," Zelda rolled her eyes.

"Well, he never had to explain it to anyone before. Except hippies."

"You think the hippies understood it perfectly, or just didn't bother to ask?"

"I suppose it depends on the hippie." He slipped his hand into hers. "What about you, Zel? How you doing?"

"Me? Fine. The fairies healed me up good, remember?"

"I meant about your parents visiting."

"Oh yeah." She wrinkled her nose. "It's…weird. I mean, I love them and all, but I never _see_ them. I suppose it's good to know that they will drop everything and rush to my side when this kind of stuff happens…but it feels weird somehow. Like, my parents should be there for more then just the bad times in my life." She held her hand up. "And don't you dare say, 'At least they're there.'"

"I wasn't going to."

"Oh… Sorry."

Link squeezed her hand. "Don't worry about it."

"Enough lovey-dovey!" Ralph bopped Link on the head with the magazine and led the way toward the doors. "You're making a scene."

Link rolled his eyes. "You know, Ralph, we're all still looking forward to the day when you make scenes just like it."

"Not gonna happen."

"And why not?"

"Well, for starters, because I'm _eighteen_. I've got years and years probably before I need to go looking for a soulmate."

"What if you just sort of stumble over yours?"

"How likely is that?"

"Given the way destiny has been meddling in all our lives lately? Very."

"Okay, I'll give you that." Ralph shrugged. "But I still don't think it's gonna happen. Not like it did with you two."

Link winced. "Hopefully it won't be _exactly_ the way it happened with me and Zelda…"

"I don't think that sort of thing happens twice in one lifetime," Zelda agreed.

"That reminds me," Malon said. "Did we ever see to getting you psychological help?"

"I'm no more messed up then any other teenage girl! Or at least I wasn't until the whole almost end of the world thing…"

"We've all got scars from that," Malon muttered. She was rubbing her wrist absent-mindedly, like she'd been doing all week. "Mental and physical. But… I think all we really need is time."

"And money," Kafei said. "My parents finally found out about the van."

"I could probably get you a job at-"

Kafei held up a hand, stopping Link mid-sentence. "Don't," he said. "Just…don't."

"Right." He laughed nervously. "Uh, anything else I need to yell at Dark for?"

"Not yelling," Malon said, "but tell him I refuse to go to the memorial service for his piece of wood. It was a piece of wood! And it's not even broken or anything, he just lost it."

"Oh!" Kafei smacked himself in the forehead. "I forgot. What was… Anju I told you to remind me."

"Argyle Fruit Roll-ups," she answered dutifully.

"Right, right, argyle Fruit Roll-ups."

"The hell?" Link said simply.

"I saw them in the store the other day. Like, you know how they make Fruit Roll-ups with patterns on them and stuff? They have these girly fashion ones and one of the designs is argyle."

"Like the socks?"

Zelda poked Link in the ribs. "Didn't you know? Argyle is big now. All the various subcultures have adopted it. I think Dark has socks that are argyle with skulls."

"Several socks," Malon said. "And a shirt."

"Oh yeah, I remember," Link said. "I thought that was just him being weird though."

"Nope. It's practically mainstream."

"Right," Kafei said. "I saw those and I thought that'd be the sort of thing he'd think was awesome."

"Random stuff at the supermarket is making you think of Dark now?" Link grinned. "I guess that means he's officially part of the group now."

"Link, he nearly _died_ for us. If I didn't accept him as part of the group after that, I would have given you permission to hit me with that stupid board of his."

"What's it like living with him?" Ralph asked, apprehensively, as though he almost didn't want to know.

"It's not bad. Had to lay down some ground rules, but it hasn't been an issue." He frowned. "I think Dark takes bumper stickers a little too seriously though."

"How so?"

"You don't want to know…"

"Is it the conserving water one?" Ralph grinned. "It's the conserving water one, isn't it?"

"None of your business."

Ralph laughed, and Link heard Anju ask what the conserving water one was. He didn't bother to listen to the reply.

Impa was waiting for Zelda in the parking lot, standing next to an inconspicuous dark sedan and glaring at the group of them as though to say, "Don't you _dare_ try to run off."

Zelda sighed.

"If it helps, we can all go over there and tease her about Auru," Link grinned.

"Maybe later. I teased her about it for nearly two solid hours last night and I think she might be in wall-punching territory."

"Well, I'll see you tomorrow, okay? If you come by Cold Stone some time after one I can take my lunch and we'll go hang out or something."

Zelda smiled. "Sounds nice." She let go of Link's hand in that sappy romantic-movie fashion and started toward the car, before Malon grabbed her by the collar and yanked her back.

"You can't go yet! I have to introduce you to that chick. The one who loaned me those comics?" She waved an arm over her head. "Yo! Nayru! Over here!"

The rest of the group followed Malon's gaze to a statuesque teenager about their own age, with blue hair so long she probably had to buy economy-sized bottles of shampoo just for herself. Her beauty, and she was beautiful, was an almost old-fashioned sort. Classical, like old statues and paintings in museums.

"Her parents named her after the goddess?" Zelda asked. "Wow, and I thought I had it bad."

"It fits," Ralph blurted out. His mouth closed with an audible snap.

Link cocked his head at his friend. There was a look on Ralph's face that a poet would have described as _transcendent_, and that Link was incredibly happy to see. He nudged Zelda with his shoulder and pointed at Ralph. She grinned.

Then Link felt a nudge from his other side, turned to see Malon. She glanced at him significantly, then spoke as though nothing was going on. "You'll like Nayru, guys. She's really nice. Smart too, although in a weird way. I only talked to her for like five minutes before she knew my parents were divorced and something bad had happened to me last weekend."

Ralph's head jerked around like it was on a dowel. "She _did_?" His voice was about an octave higher then it had been a moment ago.

"Oh yes." Malon put her finger on her cheek thoughtfully. "You know…I think she might be as good at reading people as…_you_ are."

Ralph swallowed hard.

All of his friends were grinning so wide their cheeks were hurting.

Nayru approached the group nervously, which was probably natural with the way they all were looking at her. "Um, hey Malon."

"Hey girl," Malon greeted her simply. She swung around and grabbed her arm, for a moment highlighting the difference in their builds. Nayru was a willow, Malon was a mighty oak, and she _knew_ it. "These are my friends. Princess Zelda though you already knew that, and that's Link he's got some issues but we like him. He and Zelda are dating and are probably going to have angelic blond babies although hopefully not any time soon. That Kafei he used to have a van but it died, and that's his girlfriend Anju, we're trying to help her grow a spine, and this…" She paused dramatically, a lifetime of meddling leading up to this moment. "Is Ralph."

"Um," Ralph said, panic clear in his voice.

Nayru's eyes, already naturally wide in the doe-eyed tradition of Renaissance painters everywhere, had expanded to nearly twice their size. "Um," she said.

"Hi," Link said helpfully.

"Hi," Ralph agreed gratefully.

"You know what Nayru would probably like to see?" Malon said.

Ralph shook his head, unable to take his eyes off the vision in front of him.

"The band room. She's a musician, see, and she just started here the other day. She'd probably like to look at what instruments are available."

"I would," Nayru agreed.

"And after that?" Link suggested. "Why not show her which restaurants are within walking distance of the school. That's always nice to know."

"Y- yeah," Ralph said. "It is… Um." He drew himself up to his full height. "Um? Would you?"

Nayru nodded, and without another word the two walked back into the school.

As soon as the glass door swung shut, Link and the others burst out laughing.

zzz

Cold Stone Creamery, site of a surprising number of world-shattering revelations in the last few weeks, was only half-lit as Link walked up to it. The after-school hours were a big time for business, which meant either something was wrong or Dark was slacking off. The previous weekend was still too close in Link's memory for him to keep the crack out of his voice as he unlocked the door and shouted into the gloom.

"Dark?"

"In the back!"

Link breathed again.

In typical teenage fashion, he chose to continue the conversation as he made his way across the restaurant. "Why is it all dark in here? And closed?"

"Tatl took off early, and I can't handle the after school rush by myself." Link rounded the doorway and Dark waved at him, upside down, draped across two folding chairs.

"_What_ are you doing?"

"Dunno. Felt like it."

"You are so…" Link waved his hands helplessly. "Arrgh!"

"Uh-oh," Dark rolled over onto his stomach. "What did I do now?"

"Dark Woods?"

"Oh."

"Dark _Woods_?"

"See, I can explain."

"Can you? Can you really?"

Dark tugged at his ear thoughtfully. "Well, no… That's just what you say in this sort of situation."

"Dark!"

"All right, all right." Long legs swung over the backs of the chairs, and Dark sprang to his feet, wobbled for a moment as he was assaulted by headrush, and then gave his double a lopsided grin. "I suppose you want me to talk about it."

"For starters."

"First of all, totally didn't mean to steal your last name. I didn't even know it was your last name. I've been using it for months, you can check Navi's records if you want."

Link shook his head. "I guess not. But it's kind of a weird coincidence isn't it?"

"You've got that right. But that's all it is, as near as I can figure. I was only using it because I thought it was a funny name, and 'cause it was the name of some of my old friends."

"The hippies?"

"Forest and Ocean. I have no idea what their real first names were, I just remember someone joking about Forest once and his legal last name and how he didn't have any imagination."

"Wait, so, the hippies you used to be friends with, the ones who were married, were named Woods?" Cold horror began to creep across Link's body. "You don't think… I mean, the ages are about right, and you said they had a son…"

Dark blinked, then his eyes widened. "I- I didn't even think of that…"

They stared at each other. After a long moment, Dark began to grin.

"Link…"

"Don't say it."

"I think-"

"Don't!"

"I think I slept with your grandparents."

"Arrgh!" Link buried his face in his hands. "No! No way! I refuse to believe it! Woods is- It's a pretty common name! No way in _hell_!"

"It seems pretty unlikely," Dark agreed. "But keep in mind how destiny keeps interfering. I mean, Ganon didn't have to choose me." His expression flickered for a moment, from the usual grin to something like pain. Link had seen it quite a few times over the last week, and was trying very hard not to ask any difficult questions. He knew Ganon had hurt Dark, hurt him badly, and it was Dark's business if he wanted Link to know the details or not. "But he did. Of all the hundreds of shadows in all the worlds, he chose me…" He shook his head. "I'm sorry, I was going somewhere with that but I lost it."

"It's okay." He debated himself for a moment. "Um, your hand."

"Huh?" Dark glanced down, cocked his head, and shook his right hand. It remained steadfastly clenched in a fist. "That's a new one. Yesterday I just kept making these little choking motions in the air."

"Dark, are you-" Another internal debate. "Are you okay?"

"Me? Yeah, sure." He poked at his hand.

"Dark."

"Yeah?"

"Are you okay?"

The fist sprung open, and Dark wiggled his fingers.

"Dark."

"No," he sighed. "Not even close. And I don't think I will be for a while…" He gave Link another lopsided smile. "But what do I know? Never been tortured before. Maybe it just takes time…" He went back to staring at his hand. "I went to the library, looked up some books. Says I can't let my fear rule me. Stick close to my friends. Keep in mind that it wasn't my fault. And, I mean, I_know_ it wasn't my fault. But…that doesn't stop it from hurting. I can't- I don't- I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, I- Dammit why can't I _control_ this?"

Instinct had Link moving across the small room before Dark was halfway through his speech, and his arms were around Dark's shoulders by the final sentence. Dark stiffened at first, startled, but let himself sink into it. Resting his forehead on Link's shoulder and holding his hands to his chest.

"I don't know what to do, Link. All the books said that it just takes time. That eventually I'll be able to sleep again and I won't jump at the sight of any guy over six feet. But I don't wanna feel like this any more. I just want it not to have happened."

"I don't know what I can do either…" Link admitted. "But I'm here for you, and everyone else is too. No matter what. And we always will be."

"But," a painful chuckle escaped Dark's throat. "You guys must be pretty messed up too. Bad stuff happened to all a' you too. Beaten up by monsters and thinking I was dead for a while. You didn't get tortured and- and stuff, but you guys must be having the crazy thoughts too."

"A little," Link admitted. "I've been having nightmares, and I'm sort of afraid of the dark, and jumpy and twitchy, and I've noticed the others are too…" He eased Dark back, tilted his head up with one hand to look him in the eyes. "But that's _normal_. We've been through some really messed-up shit. We wouldn't be human if we didn't feel like this. And it's the same for you. No one_expects_ you to be okay."

"I _want_ to be okay."

"And you will be, eventually. You're hurt Dark, in your head, and all injuries take time to heal."

Dark couldn't help but smile. "You been to the library too?"

"Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I did a report on it in Health class." He smiled too. "Never thought it would come in handy."

Dark stepped back and surveyed Link up and down. "You know what Link? I think you've gotten stronger since I met you."

"So do I."

"Can I have some?"

"All you need." Link threw his arm around his brother's shoulders. "But we're never discussing my grandparents again."

"Deal."

They set about getting the shop ready to re-open. Arranging chairs and refilling napkin dispensers. Dark hit the CD player, muttered something about Tatl being a sheep, and darted into the back to retrieve his own collection.

"I'm not singing with you!" Link shouted back.

"We'll see! I have a pity card now!"

"That's playing dirty! You do that, and I'll keep the news from you."

Dark popped out, a battered black CD case in his hands. "News? What news?"

"Aside from the fact that everyone in our little group is pissed at you for that article-"

"Hey! The public deserves to know the truth! Even if only the crazies believe it _is_ the truth."

"How did you know all of that anyway? You weren't _there_."

"Half guessing, half asked Ralph."

"Ah. But of course."

"Got five hundred bucks for it!"

"Really?"

"Yep."

"Okay, all forgiven."

"Yays!"

Link laughed, shaking his head. "You are so… What did I do before you?"

"Probably punched fewer pillows." He bounced on the balls of his feet eagerly. "What else is the news?"

"Oh, right. Ralph met a girl."

Dark blinked. "So?"

"I mean he _met_ a _girl_." Link raised an eyebrow suggestively. "Birds singing, golden sunlight, rain of flower petals."

"Oh." Dark fiddled with the knobs on the CD player. "I see…"

"Does that, uh, bother you?"

"No! No… Well…" He tilted his head back and forth. "I mean, 's'not like I'm_interested_ in Ralph, not like that. I'm a shadow, my brain isn't wired for long-term relationships. But… Six days?"

"There it is."

"_Six_ _days_! Come on! We didn't even- I mean, I thought it at least _meant_ something, even if it wasn't that it was _something_."

"Geez… Sorry, Dark. I didn't think… Didn't meant to upset you."

"You didn't. It's okay." He considered that. "Well, no it's not. But it's not your fault. And in the scheme of things, this is no big deal." He glanced over his shoulder and grinned. "Did Ralph forget his own name?"

"I think so, but Malon introduced him."

"And did he do the mouth-dropped-open-holy-experience expression?"

"_Oh_ yeah."

Dark laughed. "Classic. And we gonna tease him for weeks?"

"Months."

"Beautiful."

Link retrieved the much-abused Cold Stone aprons from behind the counter and tossed Dark's at him. "I'm going to open. We're missing out on middle-schoolers with money. You think you can keep it together?"

"Keep it together? 'Course. But I reserve the right to mock anyone wearing a crooked baseball cap or flip-flop jewelry."

"Fair enough. But I meant, are you tired or anything? You said you haven't been sleeping."

Dark snorted derisively. "Sure, sleep is nice and everything, but staying awake for two weeks at a time is kind of cool too! The hallucinations can be a real laugh."

"It's only been six days."

"Has it? Oh. Maybe I do need to rest then…"

"Maybe." Link hopped over the counter and headed for the door, flipping the rest of the lights on as he passed the switch.

"Oh Link, one last thing?"

"Hmm?"

"I got my nipples pierced, wanna see?"

"GAH!"

zzz

Nearly a hundred miles away, in the second-highest court in the country, two girls were on trial for treason.

It had been a rushed process, getting them to this point. No one wanted to drag out the proceedings, and the press was not even being allowed the details of what the girls were charged with. The using of banned magic. Destruction of public property. Murder, in several different ways, including conspiracy to commit. But no one was entirely sure how this all added up to treason.

No one but the girls, and their associates who had agreed to a one to testify against them. And even they weren't entire clear on the details.

Just outside the courtroom in question, Kotake stared at the scuffed marble floor and wondered if _she_ knew exactly what had happened. She wasn't passing the buck, she took full responsibility for her actions, but there were fuzzy bits, and ideas she shouldn't have had, things she couldn't have known. And things she would never have done…

In the end, five people had died. Elana, Sam, Lynna, Marie, and Bennie. They hadn't done anything but what they were told, and now they were dead. Kotake had known people were going to die, had looked forward to wiping out a few choice individuals, but not them. Not people who were on their_side_.

She hadn't really wanted to hurt Link's friends either, they were just kids. What could they do? Nothing, as it turned out. Once she'd regained consciousness, she'd seen them sitting in the hallway waiting for it to be over. The same thing she wound up doing next to her slightly-more-knocked-out sister. If Koume had been awake she would have blustered and insisted they helped the king, but Kotake was more practical. She knew when to give up.

They'd lost. They'd risked it all and lost. That was all there was to it, in Kotake's eyes. Koume was a bit more upset about it, but earlier she'd mentioned something about book deals and the Lifetime network, so Kotake wasn't worried.

As far as Koume and Kotake were concerned, the story was over.

The clanking of chains and the measured step of police officers walking in unison drew her head up. A kid, a guy probably around Link's age, with long pale purple hair that clashed with his orange jumpsuit, and eyes that were just a little too focused, was being led down the hall toward her. The three of them stopped beside her bench and one of the cops told the boy to sit down and not talk. The boy complied, but Kotake could see a hint of a smirk around his mouth.

She had to say, he knew his business. He waited, for example, until the half-dozen cops standing around were all caught up in conversation about the game they were missing and last night's episode of one of the interchangeable medical dramas before he spoke.

Barely moving his lips, keeping his eyes carefully forward, the boy whispered, "So you're the other one."

"Yes," Kotake murmured, using the skills she's learned in any number of boring lectures. "You must be the informant."

"That would be me. You failed pretty hardcore."

"We did," Kotake agreed. "We knew the risks. We're just lucky to be alive."

"If you call that luck." The tone in his voice made Kotake fight the urge to look at him. She almost didn't _want_ to see what was in his eyes.

"Vaati," One of the cops snapped.

"Yes," the boy said brightly.

"Come on, they're ready for you."

"Coming."

Now Kotake did turn her head. "You're testifying against us?"

"Oh of course," the boy smiled at her. "Did you think I wouldn't? As you'll recall, I didn't give your sister any information you could use anyway, and I _did_ inform the princess you were asking about her."

Kotake just shook her head. "I suppose they gave you a deal?"

"I'll be out in a month."

"I'm happy for you," she said wryly. "But, a piece of advice?"

"What's that?"

"Don't try again. Don't go for revenge."

"Revenge?" he sounded genuinely shocked. "I would never! What would be the point? The path of political alliance is closed to me forever now. I'll have to get what I want through other means."

"And what do you want?"

He smiled, his eyes far too serious for Kotake's liking. "Power. What else is there?"

The cop who had spoken before stared at Vaati for a moment, then shook his head. "Come on kid. Quit trying to out-evil the girl."

"Sorry officer," the smile Vaati turned on the cop was much more normal. "I just couldn't resist."

He was led through the bid wooden doors to the courtroom without another word, and it wasn't until they banged closed behind him that Kotake allowed herself a shiver. "And the princess _dated_ that guy…"

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AN:

And that's the real end. Few loose ends, few people going to need therapy. But come on, wouldn't you?

There's Nayru for ya too. I know at least one person has been waiting with baited breath for her appearance. That's for you! We'll get to know her better in the sequel.

Speaking of which, it's going to be called "Feel Good Hit of the Summer" and it should be appearing some time in the next month or so. Whee!

Before that, I'm going to do some cleaning. There's like three stories here on FFdotnet that I have abandoned and will probably never finish. I know some of you out there were fans of those stories...but I'm not. I don't know if I should just delete them or what. What do you think?

On the bright side, I have another AU story I'm working on. Basically a traditional fantasy epic, only with a decidedly Mature rating. Sex and cussing yay!

Oh, and remember last chapter when I mentioned how I liked Target? Don't anymore. Because they fired me. I've got about two weeks to find a new job before I'm back on the street (yes, BACK) but I have high hopes for the shoe store and Hot Dog On a Stick. Wish me luck. And don't expect regular updates. But I'll try. I really enjoy writing and getting feedback and all that. As long as I have electricity, I will continue to write.

So keep your eyes open for "Feel Good Hit of the Summer," and "The Legend of Zelda: The Breaker of Night."

Love you all!


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